Handcuffs
by loudestdork
Summary: "its always like that, but i'll handle it, we'll handle it. Before we know it, i'll be back here. It would be a dream come true babe, you should know..." She said, reassuring me like everything's gonna be ok.I doubted it. I didn't want it." REPOST *story by R*
1. Book1: Chapter 1: Cuffing and Committing

**AN: READ THIS GUYS!**

**I just want to say that this story was written by my good friend RAISONNEUSE. I'm just posting it again for reasons I can't tell yet. read and enjoy! :)**

* * *

Book One: Otherwise Cuffed To You

* * *

_Chapter 1: Cuffing and Committing_

* * *

I pressed my eyeglasses up the bridge of my nose as I sit back on my black, leather swivel chair. I was reading through a new case file that my secretary had brought to me early this morning with my coffee. Flipping through the pages, my eyes caught the shimmer of my white gold wedding band, and I set down the file to look at it more closely.

I pulled it off of my finger, held it up to my eye level between my index finger and my thumb, and just stared. I let my back fall fully on the chair and sighed; the ring brought a quote to my mind, that I'd read this morning. "Wedding rings are the smallest handcuffs."

* * *

-0-

_I stood at the left side of the gazeebo, fidgeting next to the makeshift altar; everything had been rearranged to resemble the traditional church setting. To my left was the judge who was smiling at me as she took in my nervousness. She'd probably seen it a million times before. Heavy breaths left my mouth every second I stood there waiting and I was startled out of my panic when I heard the instrumental music from the orchestra had started to play. A slow, regal melody sang out over the crowd, blending with the soft blows of the wind. I lifted my head my eyes fixed themselves on the tunnel at the end of the aisle covered in vines and flowers. The white chairs lining the walkway on both sides disappeared along with their occupants and all I could see was the archway._

* * *

_I gasped, once or twice, until a serene image slowly appeared at the entryway. The way the setting sun's rays gradually enveloped the sight was divine. I shut my eyes for a moment as i inhaled deeply and then exhaled. With Quinn's hand gently rubbing my back, I opened my eyes. The crowd of guests was now standing to see her entrance._

_Nothing could have ever prepared me for the image of my bride in her champagne wedding dress. The fading rays of the sun made her golden hair sparkle and her skin shimmer. Her face was beaming with happiness and excitement as she glided down the aisle towards me. I smiled at her as a tear ran down my cheek and I immediately wiped it away; I'd promised myself I wouldn't get too emotional. In what seemed like no time at all, she was standing before me. I shook her father's hand as he released his hold on her, squeezing her hand once more before he took his seat. I reached for her hand and laced our fingers together before turning to pull her into the gazeebo to begin the ceremony._

* * *

_The judge said her orchestrated speech and then asked. "Do you Santana Lopez take Brittany Susan Pierce to be your lawfully wedded wife?"_

" _I do! I do! " I looked at the crowd and said " Wait, did anyone hear me? I do!"_

_I grinned widely at Britt, she chuckled, the crowd burst into laughter. It was Brittany's turn. " Do you Brittany Susan Pierce take Santana Lopez to be your lawfully wedded wife?"_

_"I think she has said enough i do's for both of us, but i'll say it anyway I absolutely do". She took my hand to her lips and kissed it._

_The judge asked for the rings. Quinn handed to me Britt's ring. It was time to say my vows. I held the ring to her finger, both my hands holding hers._

" _This is it! no turning back " I looked straight into her eyes, I was shaking and tearing up, I can't help it. Britt wiped my tears with the back of her hand and let my cheek rest on her palm. "I've longed for this day and I've waited for it. In more ways than one, you're mine, and in all the ways you can possibly think of, I am yours. Today we make all these official. It will be sealed. And even if you try to run away you won't be able to, I'm slipping this ring on your finger as tightly and as quickly as possible, so you won't have time to change your mind." I slipped the ring on her finger. She giggled. I smiled at her, took her wedding band to my lips and kissed it. "sealed with a kiss even, I love you so much."_

_Rachel walked to Britt and handed her my ring. Britt squeezed my hand before loosely holding it by the palm. She positioned the ring to my finger._

"_I've done things i didn't mean. To make you not wait, to make you grow tired, to make you change your mind" mumbling and crying hard as she let those words out. "But you did wait and you didn't give up and we're here. Today, I make my promise to you, I am yours, more than what you can think of, perhaps even more than you are mine. I'll make up for every moment i hurt you, for every moment that i made you cry, and I'll spend my life making you happy. I'll hold your heart, not in my hands, but in my heart. So it won't get broken. And if it does, you'll know my heart's broken too." With that, everyone in the crowd was in tears. I wiped her tears. I felt her words. I thought to myself, no promise would ever match that. She continued to speak " So you're rest assured i won't let it happen. This is forever and I'm more than ready to spend it with you. I love you and I will love you more Santana." With that she slipped the ring on my finger. She cupped my cheeks and rested her forehead on mine._

* * *

_We stood like that for couple of minutes, oblivious to the people surrounding us. Like little girls awaiting to be commanded, we anxiously waited for the pronouncement by the judge. " I now pronounce you as married, you may kiss the brides". With that, i brought my lips to hers and we kissed deeply as if not wanting to let go. The crowd applauded us, after the judge declared us as Mrs Pierce-Lopez. We broke from the kiss and faced the crowd. I pulled her hand as we walked back down the aisle, grinning widely._

-0-

* * *

I was grinning widely, the reel of memories run through my head while I was twirling the ring on my index finger. I was broken from my thoughts, when I heard the glass door to my office open and the sound of heels tapping on the dark wooden floor. I slipped the ring back on immediately and lifted my head up.

Walking towards me, she smiled. Motioning closer to me, she positioned herself at the back of my chair. She rested her chin on the top of my head. I removed my eyeglasses and eyed her upward. I smiled back at her. She ran her hands down my arms, almost to an embrace. She then moved it to rub my shoulders and somehow massaged me. I felt relaxed.

Her brown hair brushed my cheeks. She finally enveloped me in her arms, locking her hands and resting it just right above my chest. I let out a deep breath and i smiled again. As she brought her face to my cheek, i inhaled and took in her scent. The smell of cold breeze, misty fresh, and calming to the nerves. She landed a sloppy kiss on my cheek, causing me to scrunched my face a bit, as if to annoy her. She lifted her lips and then she rubbed her cheek to mine. She then whispered "i missed you so much Santana". I leaned closer to her, lingering on the feel of her skin.

I uttered. " i missed you too Ash".


	2. Book1: Chapter 2: Present and Present

Book One: Otherwise Cuffed To You

_Chapter 2: Present and Present_

"I missed you too Ash."

"Yeah?" She whispered in my ear. Her breath tickles. It sent shivers down my spine.

"Yes.. so much, as a matter of fact" I said. My eyes were closed from the previous sensation i felt. I smiled goofily.

She released me from her embrace. She placed her hands on either side of the chair. She swirled the chair to a 180, so that I'm facing her. There, I saw her, in her full height towering over me while I remain seated.

She lifted her hands, again, she brushed it slowly from my shoulders down to my arms. She gripped my upper arms, leaned forward, her face so close to mine. I can feel her breath on my lips. Her eyes were lusty and demanding. She then told me "Show me". It came as a dare to me. Challenging me as always.

I don't mix business with pleasure, especially in my workplace. My office is sacred. I don't like to be talked about and be caught off guard. Considering that I'm surrounded with frosted glass walls, with no blinds or curtains, I try to be transparent with everything in here, so that people would know when I'm working and know when I'm not to be disturbed. But that was all before I met Ashley.

_-0-_

_We were called in to the conference room at noon. All senior partners, junior partners, and associates were required to attend. All meetings outside the office were cancelled. It was an unusual meeting. It was just like the one held when I was welcomed to the firmroughly 3 years ago. But none of which has happened in the past years I've been here. This is actually the first time i've encountered it. These new additions might just be too special._

_I entered the conference room and was greeted by my colleagues who were, as i was, eager to meet these budding new lawyers. I checked the folder set infront of me. Inside it, there were three portfolios. 2 of which are those of fairly decent looking men. I looked it over, and I thought, impressive profile. I held the last one, a lady, Ashley Hayes. It kinda did excite me to know that another lady would be part of the firm. Ever since, here there had only been 2 women here, my boss, Eleanor Bell, senior partner and wife of senior partner-founder Richard Bell of Bell & Ward. The second one was of course, myself. Santana Lopez , junior partner, leading junior partner._

_The thought of that, pads my ego a thousand fold. You don't get there that fast in a year and half being an associate. Well I'm an exception to that as Mrs. Bell would always quote. My credentials were so impressive they didn't have time to think twice._

_As i began flipping through the pages of Hayes' profile, i found out she's from NYU too. Damn! that's one against me.' Managing Editor of the Law School Publication', point for me, I was Editor. As I continue to scan her portfolio, I heard Richard Bell's voice. He entered the room, tailing him were three individuals. Paul Roberts, tall, blonde hair, looks quite aggressive and driven. Second, Martin Williams, looks like a ladies' man i thought, he might just be able to woo lady clients. Thirdly, Ashley Hayes. Fair skinned, brown hair, just a little above her chest and wavy. Thin lips and well-sculpted cheek bones. Her cheeks not too puffy, just right, and lil' surprising dimple on the left side of her mouth. Mr. Bell went around the conference table and introduced each one of them to the different partners. Then before i knew it, it was my turn._

_Mr. Bell tapped my shoulders, he said "Santana! Meet our new additions. Roberts, Williams, Hayes, this is Santana Lopez, second lady in this firm, top-notch, Junior Partner, Business Tax Consultations"_

_I can't blame the man he's smitten by my charm and wit. I looked at the two men, both extending their hands for me to shake. I didn't bother to stand, I shook 'em both, without smiling. Then I turned to Ashley. She was smiling and shyly extending her hand to me. The girl has quite a body which you could appreciate more if she's this close. I noticed she has perfect curves, when she occasionally turned sideways. Damn! I told myself. Looking at those curves now, I'm quite sure the view from a far didn't justify its proportion up close. I held my phone in my hand, I raised my eyebrow at her and tilted my head to the side. I then patted Mr. Bell on his upper arm, and told him i had to take an important call. I then exited the conference room._

With the blinds all closed, I smirked and smiled seductively at her. A soft breath escaped the side of my lips. I grabbbed both of her thighs and pulled her down to my lap. I moved my hands to her hips so she'd straddle me on the swivel chair. I pulled her closer, as our fully clothed bodies pressed tightly against each other. She positioned herself comfortably, my hands now freed from supporting her weight. I brushed my hands invitingly on her sides, up and down her hips to her thighs and back.

She let out a soft moan at my touch, as my movements got more agitated. She cupped my cheeks and crashed her lips into mine. So needy, begging me. I kissed back softly, teasing her, I licked her lips. But before my tongue can start parting her lips for entrance, her tongue caught mine. We kissed deeper, hungrier. I smiled into the kiss and thought she really did miss me. I guess.

As things got heated. I took my right hand away from her hips. I reached for the picture frame on the left side of my desk and pushed it facing down on the table. My lips left hers and i started kissing her on her chin and down to the right side of her neck, then to the left and then i started nibbling in the center of her neck , on her pulse point. I made sure i left a mark she won't be able to easily hide. She moaned louder. I felt her excitement rise. She tugged down my blazer, and started unbuttoning my shirt. I placed both my hands on her thighs again and I pulled up her tight skirt. She kissed me down to my neck hungrily, back and forth and nibbled on my ear.

We were interrupted by the beep of my intercom and the voice of my secretary who was right outside my office.

"Ma'am, the Lazy Blooms just called to confirm the delivery time for the flowers and the address of the studio and asked if the flower arranger and the band would still be necessary"

I moved my head away from Ashley's kisses. I held her tightly on her hips and put her down, away from my lap. I can see the annoyance on her face as she ran her fingers through her hair. I turned my chair and pressed the button to speak to Evelyn.

"Yeah, she'll be at the studio at 1:00 pm, so they better hurry up since its already 11:00 am. And do you have the song they're going to play? the one i gave you? It should just be an instrumental though. Don't forget okay?."

"Yes ma'am, and by the way happy anniversary!" Evelyn muttered, I'm pretty sure she did that on purpose.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I questioned her, somewhat whispering with annoyance knowing Ashley was standing right behind me.

"Just a greeting Santana. How about the reservations?" she elaborated.

"Let's just finish the flowers first, otherwise it won't come as a surprise." I smiled.

"Copy that" Evelyn beeped out.

I stood up, buttoned my shirt, and pulled my blazer back in place. I turned to face Ashley, who was running her fingers through her hair non-stop. She's such a lil baby. But who wouldn't be, after we were interrupted by Evelyn. I moved closer to her , I encircled her waist with my arms, and pressed her body tightly against mine. I leaned in to kiss her, but she looked away from me. I just smiled. I drew my face closer to her and rubbed my nose to her cheek, with that, she softened a bit.

She hissed and asked " So... when? I've been gone three weeks and you still haven't showed me how much you missed me."

I let out a laugh " I so did! What do you call what i did a while ago?" I scrunched my face at her. Letting her know i feel bad too since we were interrupted.

" That wasn't enough Santana, even for you and you know it, so when?" She said as she was still avoiding my gaze.

"Tomorrow? I'll be better prepared, promise. You surprised me today." As i embraced her tightly and placed a sloppy kiss on her cheek.

"Promise? Wait, was it a good surprise?" her head now turned facing me, she rested her forehead on mine, her eyes somewhat pleading for a positive response.

"I promise, and it was a very good suprise, coz i really missed you so much" as I kissed her softly on the lips. I released her from my embrace, and said further "now.. get to work beautiful lady" as i slowly pushed her away, i slapped her butt lightly with my palm.

She smiled sweetly and blew me a kiss as she exited the glass door.

I sat back on my chair, relaxed for a bit, and lifted the picture frame back to its place. I put on the pair of eyeglasses and continued reading the case files i had at hand. As i finish one of the files. I was startled by the sound of my phone. I reached for it, and looked at the screen, seeing the name i smiled. I opened the message.

**x-x**

**FROM: Mrs. Santana Pierce-Lopez**

**TO: Mrs. Brittany Pierce-Lopez**

**-Happy Anniversary Babe!:)-**

**I entered the studio and I was in awe. The flowers were amazing and the band played the sweetest song. Thank you!:)-**

**-I love you!:)-**

**I'll see you later at home for dinner. Be there at 8pm. No excuses.:) its my turn to surprise you.:)-**

**x-x**

After I read it, I typed a short and simple reply.

**x-x**

**FROM: Mrs. Brittany Pierce-Lopez**

**TO: Mrs. Santana Pierce-Lopez**

-**sure babe, see you, i love you too .:) and happy anniversary-**

**x-x**

I smiled when I sent it, thankful that i told Ashley that tomorrow would be our day instead. I beeped for Evelyn.

"Thanks Evelyn, couldn't have done that better without you, and cancel the reservations, we'll just stay home"

"Your welcome Santana, should you be home early? Should i cancel appointments?"

"Nah, its not until 8, but remind me again later about it. Thanks again. And another thing, call another flower shop not Lazy Blooms, you know what to buy and send it to you-should-know-who, you know her favorite flowers."

"Let me just say that, that was close! and to whom? To the one who left or...?"

"Yeah, yeah just her."


	3. book1: Chapter 3: Assistance From Up Abo

**AN:**

** From uploader: I'm sorry but I can't change anything. This is a beautifully written fic and if you assume that Santana is just a cheating whore all throughout, you have to stick around and read the whole story :) I admit, I hate this fic from the start, but curiosity on what will happen next made me stick around. :) also, I got the full permission from Raisonneuse in re-uploading this fic :)**

**From the author (Raisonneuse): [this is from her account] **Hey readers!:) it's **raisonneuse**. To all those who have previously subscribed to **HANDCUFFS**, I have officially handed the story to another author -**ADORKABLEDEVIL**.

The reposting of **Handcuffs** was done with my express permission and for the purpose that **ADORKABLEDEVIL** will be writing the SEQUEL to HANDCUFFS. Hence the need for it to be reposted. and I hope you all enjoy the sequels she will be making soon.:)

* * *

Book One: Otherwise Cuffed To You

* * *

_Chapter 3: Assistance From Up Above_

* * *

-0-

_Mr. Bell walked me from the conference room to my new office. Right outside my office stood a lady in her early forties. Her black hair was pulled in a bun. Her chocolate brown skin was wrapped up in a corporate striped button-up shirt tucked under her a-line skirt, her blazer draping over her left arm. I looked at her from head to foot, wondering who she was. Mr. Bell continued to walk towards the woman, i followed him. We stopped right infront of her. Mr. Bell then spoke._

"_Santana, I would like you to meet Evelyn Foster, she will be your new secretary"_

_I extended my hand to her "Santana Lopez, I'm looking forward to working with you"_

_She took my hand "Evelyn Foster ma'am and the pleasure is mine"._

_-0-_

From the first time I met Evelyn, I knew that we would have a very good working relationship. No file has gone unnoticed by her, each one labeled properly, categorically and neatly. No date for any hearing, meeting, events escapes her mind. Any of my request, command or demand is attended properly and promptly to perfection. She knows what to say, when to say it and who to say it to.

But more than being my secretary, attending to all things professional in my office, Evelyn, perhaps, in the short span of time I've known her, is my most trusted confidante. The keeper of my secrets. A guardian angel who has rescued me from the most critical times of this fucked up situation I am in.

If the woman were ever to blackmail me, she definitely can. With everything that she knew, she would have me eating in the palm of her hands. But that's the thing about her, in the long list of her admirable qualities, the first and definitely the best would be her loyalty.

-0-

_It was a Wednesday, who would've thought mid-week would be this busy. Meetings all morning and all afternoon. A case conference for three big corporations facing an impending charge of tax evasion, involving millions of dollars. Usually these case conferences would just be with me and two other associates, but today, its different. Here we are, with Mr. Bell, Mr. Ward, Mrs. Eleanor, Junior Partner Alex Ward, myself, and 4 other associates. The day was hectic. I had a schedule on Wednesdays, lunch with Julia. But that didn't happen, the bosses decided we should just have lunch while we continue to discuss these cases. I told Evelyn to let my lady love know I won't be able to do lunch today and knowing her feisty nature, to specifically tell her that we'll rain check til dinner after everybody in here would have called it a day. Before Evelyn could tell me her response, here she is calling me. I know what this call is for, she wanted to confirm whether there is any truth as to the reason why i had to cancel. With that I excused myself from the meeting._

"_Hey! Sweetie i can't talk long, I'm kinda in the middle of a meeting" I said to her._

"_I thought you were already on your way here, but then Evelyn called me to tell me you weren't coming for lunch" she said, no trace of her intended purpose for calling me, rather, it was in that voice i knew very well, not-listening-not-understanding voice._

"_Yeah... that's why, instead of lunch i'll pick you up at six for dinner later." I reasoned, reiterating the offer which I'm pretty sure Evelyn has already conveyed to her._

"_I'm just gonna remind you, this time of my day is what's yours Santana, right now you're leaving me hanging, any other time of my day you'll have to do better than that" she warned me in a very stern voice._

"_I know sweetie. Thank you for being so understanding. Just... just give me this one time okay? dinner is going to be so much better, I promise!" when that stern voice comes up, I always turn on that schmoozer in me, making her feel like she was so giving, and just how much i appreciate it._

"_kiss me, so i'll feel better" There it is, the needy voice. 'i got her!'._

_I made the sloppiest kissing sound to my phone's mouth piece. "better? I really need to go now sweetie, later 6pm... okay?" i really needed to go back in. 5 minutes had already been used up with this conversation_

"_okay, I'll miss you til then" she said in a voice which sounded like she was waiting for a response._

"_i'll miss you too, can't wait for later, bye." With that, i closed my phone. Glad that was over, i went back in._

_So the hours of the day went by fast. So fast, i didn't realize it was already 6:15 pm. The meeting ended 5:30 pm but me and Alex had to run through the files again and the stipulations we've come up with. So here I am, just as i was about to pull out my phone to call Julia, I felt it vibrate, I opened it immediately without really checking who it was. I heard Evelyn's voice._

"_Ma'am, priority number 2 is here." she said, somewhat warning me._

"_just now?" i asked her, i needed to know if she just got in since from that i can gauge how angry she was._

"_About 10 minutes ago, she banged her fists on my desk while i was fixing my things, since i was just about to go." 'Okay so she's really angry'. You don't pull the schmoozer on Julia and then break the promise, wrong combination._

"_Where is she? Can you stay? Offer her anything we have there in my office. Hide all the necessaries, you know the SOP. I didn't know it was going to take this long." I'm doomed. I knew it._

"_She's in your office, I already gave her coffee, I'm just not sure what she did to it. For how long do you need me to stay?" I can tell by Evelyn's voice she wanted to go home so badly especially with this at hand._

"_Just as soon as I'm done here, we're just wrapping up anyway." 'At least I think we were just wrapping up'. I knew Evelyn would heed to my request either way. I then closed my phone._

_A few minutes after and wrapping up became a lie. I'm still sitting here with Alex. I was a wreck, for every minute that had passed, I'm pretty sure Julia's temper was rising to her head. My phone vibrated again, i looked at who it was. It was a message from Evelyn. I wondered why she would text me when clearly she can just call me. I opened the message anyway._

_-0-_

_**x-x**_

_**FROM: B&W- Evelyn Foster**_

_**TO: B&W- Santana Pierce-Lopez**_

_**-URGENT-**_

_**-PRIORITY NUMBER 1 is in my office-**_

_**-as in RIGHT NOW-**_

_**- do not leave the conference room REPEAT do not leave the conference room-**_

_**x-x**_

_My eyes widened as i read the text. 'Priority number 1? Britt? In Evelyn's office?'. I was beyond confused and stressed. I read the text again. Britt, wasn't supposed to be home until the end of the month, i counted and there were still two weeks left. Why is she here? I didn't have time to ponder on the reason behind it, I've got to think of a solution. So i texted Evelyn._

_**x-x**_

_**TO: B&W- Evelyn Foster**_

_**FROM: B&W- Santana Pierce-Lopez**_

-_**It might be too much to ask, but can you accompany her home?-**_

_**-just tell her i've been here the whole time and I won't be coming out any sooner-**_

_**x-x**_

_Evelyn replied immediately._

_**x-x**_

_**FROM: B&W- Evelyn Foster**_

_**TO: B&W- Santana Pierce-Lopez**_

_**-she says she's going to wait in your office-**_

_**-i convinced her its locked and that she can wait in here instead-**_

_**-and ma'am priority number 2 is pacing furiously in your office, a little louder and priority number 1 would notice there's someone in there-**_

_**x-x**_

'_Great! Just what I need, long busy day, and two conflicting priorities'. This can't get any worse than it already is. I decided to text Britt instead._

_x-x_

_**TO: Mrs. Santana Pierce-Lopez**_

_**FROM: Mrs. Brittany Pierce-Lopez**_

_**-Hey babe! Spoiled your surprise? I'm sorry . I'm so glad you're home!-**_

_**-I just have to finish this, I'm just not quite sure how much longer it would take, I promise I'll be home asap-**_

_**-You must be tired, go home and take Evelyn with you so you'll have someone there until i get home-**_

_Thankfully Britt acceded to my request._

_x-x_

_**FROM: Mrs. Santana Pierce-Lopez**_

_**TO: Mrs. Brittany Pierce-Lopez**_

_**-Yeah, bad time to surprise, you caught me-**_

_**-I'll have to take Evelyn with me, at least to take her to dinner she's been here on overtime to wait for you and attend to me-**_

_**-i'll see you at home babe!;) My other surprise will be waiting, but i guess you know that-**_

_**-I love you-**_

_**x-x**_

_I let out a sigh of relief. 'Glad that worked'. Now I only had Julia to worry about. Then i typed a reply to seal that one problem solved._

_**x-x**_

_**TO: Mrs. Santana Pierce-Lopez**_

_**FROM: Mrs. Brittany Pierce-Lopez**_

_**-i love you too Babe.-**_

_**x-x**_

_Just as soon as Britt and Evelyn left the building, I looked at the clock it was 6:45 pm. I stormed out of the conference room to get to Julia who was waiting in my office. As soon as i open the door, i saw her standing by the window, she turned around when she heard me come in._

"_F*ck You!" she yelled at me. Pointing her finger hard at me._

_I walked to where she was "Come on sweetie, you know it's not my fault, i can't control the time at work"_

"_You promised, then made me wait here for god knows how long!" she said turning her head sideways and stopping herself from looking at me._

"_So here I am now, all yours, right? " i grabbed her waist and nuzzled on her cheek. Small touches calm the nerves, any nerve. Perhaps the passing of the minutes had calmed her down from her rage or maybe my looking-like-a-puppy-washed-down-by-the-rain, made her change her mind. I definitely looked tired and worn out._

_We drove to her apartment. We cuddled and kissed and got things heated up with perhaps all the energy i had left. I pleasured Julia to the core. Just as soon as i was sure she was sound asleep. I got dressed and left, knowing i had to get home to my waiting wife. I checked the clock it was already 10:00 pm._

_I drove faster, and before i knew it, I was home. '15 minutes... beat that' I thought to myself. I opened the door and entered. I saw Brittany and Evelyn seated on the couch, chatting and laughing. They waited up for me. Britt lifted her head up to greet me._

"_Babe, you're home..." with the sound of relief and pity._

_I went to her and kissed her forehead. Evelyn looked at me with a knowing look, relieved to see that I got out of the whole situation alive. Just before she can stand up and was about to say something, I cut her off._

"_Stay here tonight, you're tired too, we have enough room in this house" pointing a finger at her with a stern look telling her i wouldn't take no for an answer._

" _I have nothing to wear tonight to sleep in and tomorrow to go to work." She reasoned._

"_PJ's galore in here" Brittany butted in._

" _You don't need to work tomorrow, I won't be there, I'm taking the day off since my beautiful wife is home" i told her, looking from her then to Brittany._

"_Yay! I'm gonna fix you dinner San" Britt clapped her hands and then stood up and excused herself to go to the kitchen._

_And when it was clear that Britt was far back in the kitchen. Evelyn spoke._

"_okay i'll stay. How did it go?" whispering softly._

"_It went okay, well enough she's not mad anymore" i told her while looking to see if Brittany is listening or nearing us._

"_Good to hear that. Anyway, that one, is far better" she said while lowly pointing to Brittany's direction._

"_Are you kidding? Of Course, that's my wife." I said with an air of arrogance._

" _Exactly my point! I do hope you get that and soon" Evelyn said it with a sting._

_I looked at her, knowing that a pang of guilt just washed over me. She patted me on my shoulder. Until we were cut off by Brittany's bubbly and excited announcement_

"_Dinner's ready!"_

_-o-_

I was cut off from my thoughts by the beeping of the intercom. It was Evelyn's voice again.

"I got the flowers and had it delivered, I even saw the man walk by here on the way to Lady Justice's office" she said with enthusiasm at the new code for Ash.

"Good, Thanks!" i responded, while beaming.

"I'm gonna head out now, it's 5:00 pm, don't forget 8:00 pm later at your house with Wedding Bells, don't get too caught up with those files." 'Nice, A new code for Britt too'. She's getting good at this code thing.

"Yeah, I'm even gonna write it down now. Take care!" i said as i scribbled the time on the whole sheet of paper on my desk. Just when i Thought she has already abandoned me i heard her voice again.

" I sent her a text too and again, Happy Anniversary!" i smiled as she greeted me and Britt.


	4. Book1: Chapter 4: To Whom I Lie

Book One: Otherwise Cuffed To You

* * *

_Chapter 4: To Whom I Lie_

* * *

After Evelyn had left, I continued reading the cases piled up on my desk. I flipped the page and saw that it was the last of it, so I placed the folder back down. I looked at the clock, it was 7:15 pm. Still too early. I went over to my coffee table and reached for the wine which sat on top of it. Stress reliever, i thought to myself. I grabbed a wine glass then poured some into it. Just as i was finishing my glass of wine, someone appeared by the door.

It was Ashley.

"Ash, what are you doing here? I thought you left earlier." I said to her, somewhat inquiring.

"Well, i didn't and i dropped by to give you this." She handed me a box. It was heavy ."I forgot to give it to you this morning, i saw it and thought of you and... well... your wife" she said twitching her lips to the side. " right timing i guess, since... so... happy anniversary..?." She let it out with a hint of jealousy.

"You didn't have too, ha! But really?" I smirked at her sounding sarcastic.

"I did remember you two when i saw it while touring Venice, but i got it because i know you'll love it."

"Could i... open it?" She nodded. I opened the top of the box and reached inside it. Beneath the somehow onion skin paper, covering it , I felt a glassy texture, i grabbed it and pulled it out. When it was fully out of the box, i saw a figure of two hands atop each, with pinkies linked together. Examining it, i can see, it was made of genuine Venetian glass. Perfectly sculpted. I smiled, it was beautiful. I placed it back in.

" I told you, you'll love it. its bad enough it reminded me of your wife, but its a waste not to buy it, its a Venetian glass sculpture.. duh?" she said implying that what she just stated was kinda obvious.

"Yeah, thats true, and you, my lady, are brilliant." i pointed out to her, slowly putting the box down on the couch. "i absolutely love it! thank you. I'd tell her you bought it for us" I cupped her cheek and placed a kiss on her lips. But before i could pull back to get ready to go, she kissed back hard, putting her arms around my neck. She trailed down the length of my neck with kisses. I shivered. This is trouble. But she needs me, i can feel it.

She tugged down my blazer and pulled it off. She dropped her arms from my neck and started unbuttoning my shirt. I was exposed. She kissed the top of my chest and nibbled. There was no way i was going get out of this. Then, Think-fast-Move-fast it is! Before i knew it my hands were roaming, rubbing her sides. I brought my hands to a halt on her hips and pushed her back down to the couch. I pushed her skirt up and pulled the offending article down, removed it and tossed it behind me. i placed hungry kisses on her lips. Her fingers tangled up in my hair, pulling me deep into the kiss. I moved my lips and trailed her neck with kisses. I nibbled on her pulse point. As soon as i felt her breath getting heavier. I moved my hand to the intimate spot. My fingers feeling her. I decided-just move faster, i thought- I thrust immediately inside her. She jolted as I stirred into her, scanning ad feeling it. Her back arched. She whimpered. I then I went deeper in her. She moaned deeply and louder than before. Her breaths were fast and heavy. Her hips were responding well to the rhythm I had created. I cupped her cheek with my free hand and ran my thumb caressing her lips. Her lips parted, her teeth bit on my thumb, alternately sucking and biting it. I continued to move in her until i felt her clench around me, while she bit my thumb harder, it bled. Her chest rose high and fell back almost immediately. As soon as i felt her muscles relax i withdrew from her. I picked up the discarded article i threw earlier and wiped my hand with it.

I stood up, buttoned my shirt and put my blazer back on. I leaned on her and placed a kiss on her lips. She smiled while catching her breath. I grinned knowing i was able to satisfy her, her need for me. I looked at the clock. It was 8:00 pm. I hurriedly gathered my portfolio bag and scanned through my desk. Meanwhile, Ashley was fixing herself up. As soon as she finished, she walked to where i was and moved closer to me. She rubbed my upper arm and kissed me on the cheek and nuzzled. She headed for the glass door and before she closed it, she gave me a look and smirked. Then i knew, she planned this. Jealousy drives people mad. So mad to try to get me in trouble like this. I glanced at the clock. It was 8:15. i sprinted out of my office.

I drove into the driveway. As i gathered my things, i looked my watch, 8:45. Before i got out of the car, i searched for my hand sanitizer, and soaked my hands with it, hoping it will free my hands from the smell of Ashley's scent. Not being fully satisfied, i sprayed some more perfume all over my body. I sat there for a while, closed my eyes, thinking of a perfect excuse. 'Damn Lopez! Get it together' i thought to myself. I opened my eyes and glanced to the passenger seat, i saw the box Ashley gave me, perfect. Her kind gesture would just have to go out the window for now.

I approached the front door and immediately turned the knob. I entered the receiving area and saw Evelyn walk out of the common rest room.

"Evelyn, what are you doing here?" i asked. I was confused as to why she was at my house.

"Of all the times you would have to walk in on me why does it have to be now" she said, rubbing her forehead and continued "... but wait... you're late!" she pointed her finger at me.

"doesn't even matter" i gave her a disgusted look for questioning me instead of just answering my question. "and answer my question, why are you even here?" i asked her, in a somewhat demanding tone.

She walked towards me and grabbed me by the wrist. She walked me through the hallway, leading me to the garden area. We stepped out the door, my eyes wandered into the garden. There was soft music playing. Lights surrounded the swimming pool. A number of tables and chairs were scattered aesthetically through out. There were people seated and chatting and laughing. Evelyn then called out to Britt.

"Ms. Brittany your workaholic wife is finally here!" she yelled. She looked back at me and whispered to my ear. " i left early today, because she asked me to help her with this, she invited me to come" then glancing to Britt.

At the same time, I saw Britt turn around looking to where we were. She left the company of two she was talking to and walked towards us. When she was finally right in front of me. She took everything i was holding in my hands and placed it on the empty seat near the door. She took both of my hands to her lips and said.

"happy anniversary babe!" interwining both her hands in mine, She leaned closer and gave me a warm soft kiss on my lips. "Surprise?" she said with a look of uncertainty.

"Yeah, I am. Whats all this? I mean you didnt have to" I asked while i scan through the scene infront of me then looked back at her.

"Our anniversary party babe! I want to, its my surprise for you." She said, with such enthusiasm. She raised an eyebrow, pulled one hand from mine and placed it on her hip. " and why are you late Santana? I told you 8:00pm.. why just now?" There it was, the question, in the inquiring tone I don't usually get from her.

Thankfully i was prepared and quick. " That i can explain babe" holding out a finger, "i had a load of case files, i was reading through them, and before i knew it, it was 7:30, i was ready to go, but then i remembered i forgot something." I pulled away from her went to the empty seat and got the bag, inside it, the box. I picked it up, and presented it to her. Holding it with both my hands. "i forgot to get this from Hayes this morning so i had come by her house to get it" i said, grinning widely. Britt took it in her hands.

"Babe its heavy... what is it?" she said with an excited tone. 'Ha! Questioning over! Points for Lopez' thinking with my swollen ego.

" Open it" i said, smiling at her, in a voice putting suspense to the impending mystery right before her. She opened the box and pulled out the glass sculpture. Her eyes widened at the image. She was in awe. She then said.

" Oh my god! Where did you get this babe? its amazing." While she continued to eye my gift. 'Ha! Again. My Gift'

"I actually asked Hayes to buy it since she was in Venice, I saw it in the magazine a few weeks back, I knew it would be a perfect anniversary gift. So... do you like it?... i really hope you do." A pinch of nervousness, a drop of flattery and a cup of mumbling, makes it all believable.

"Are you kidding? I love it! Thank you babe!" she placed a kiss on my lips. This time warmer. She pulled back and continued " You just beat my surprise" she said in voice of defeat and surrender.

"Thats not true babe, what can be better than a party! Thank you Britt! I can't believe you went through all the trouble to put this together." I said, throwing my hands in the air. I cupped her cheek and kissed her softly. " I love you".

" I love you too. I'm glad you liked it." She held my hand and pulled me to the crowd of people.

Brittany's dance friends were there. Some of our glee club friends, quinn, rachel, mercedes, kurt and his boyfriend and puck. Some of the associates from the firm were also there, Alex and Mrs. Eleanor were there too. Even Roberts and Williams.

Britt sat beside me and leaned on my shoulder. Then she spoke.

"i invited Ashley, but she said she was still a bit jetlagged, so i let her off the hook. But if i knew how much help she has done to get my gift i wouldn't have let her not come here." She said to me in low voice.

"Yeah she is, when i dropped by she was almost asleep." there it is! Lies. More Lies. But it saves me, and she buys it, easy.

Britt stood up and went to some of her dance friends who were just leaving. Quinn went to me and tapped me on my shoulder.

"You have some gift Santana, Five years and still never fails to surprise each other." She said with a wide smile on her face.

I glanced at Quinn, squinted my eye a bit at her, and said " You know it!" I brought the wine glass to my lips and chugged the wine down my throat, hoping it will wash down all the lies in there.


	5. Book1: Chapter 5: Submit To Me

Book One: Otherwise Cuffed To You

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_Chapter 5: Submit To Me_

* * *

As I downed the wine to its last drop, i held out the glass and called out to Britt while i remain seated.

"Babe! can you get me some more wine?" She excused herself from Rachel and Mercedes and walked back to my direction.

She reached for my glass and held it. "Red or white?" She asked me as she smiled.

"Red. Thank you Babe." I told her.

"okay, i'll just walk Mercedes to the door, since she has to go, But i'll be back with it, it won't take long." She gave me a peck on the lips and walked back to Mercedes. 'there goes my ever submissive Brittany, catering to everything i need' i thought. I looked to her direction gave Mercedes a nod and waved at her goodbye. Quinn did the same, as occupied the seat beside me.

Quinn looked at me and blurted out "but really Santana, i admire you both, being both successful, not always together for most of the year, but still remains so in love."

I was taken aback by what Quinn just said. If only they knew how i cope with that. But it doesnt matter, what matters is that i am able to.

-0-

_We were lying next to each other. Her arms wrapped tightly around my waist, while mine envelopes her by her shoulder, my free hand soothes her by her arm. She nuzzled in the crook of my neck while i rest my chin on her hair. Our legs tangled to each other._

"_I've accepted it Babe.." She broke the silence._

"_What Britt?" i asked, surprised by her sudden avowal._

"_the offer to go on tour babe... it seemed like a great opportunity." She answered, sounding like she had her mind fixed on the idea._

"_How about the studio? You've been having fun there, you've been there like even before we got married." I offered her an option, more of trying to put her in a dilemma._

"_i know but i want to try something else, something new, other than teaching kids, i want to dance." her mind's all made up about this i can hear it in her voice. I can feel it._

" _you can dance here, and would you really like to abandon those little admirers of yours?" 'or more me perhaps' I tried, hoping that it would shake her mind to change._

_She pulled back a little and looked up to me "yeah, but babe... its different, i want to experience it, the tour. It intensifies the dancing. I couldn't miss it for the world, i was lucky enough they offered me to join them." That was stern. Her stand doesn't give way for reasoning why she shouldn't do it._

"_But you'll be away, you don't even know for how long Britt, that's uncertain..." I had to be clearer about this, so she'll know it could be a mistake._

"_its always like that, but i'll handle it, we'll handle it. Before we know it, i'll be back here. It would be a dream come true babe, you should know..." She said reassuring me like everythings gonna be ok.I doubted it. I didn't want it._

_I could only count how many times i have agreed to take a back seat to everything she wants. Yes, i could not complain, because Brittany makes big comebacks. I couldn't complain about anything she does for me, that much she can fulfill and i couldn't deprive her of anything she wants, more so, of eveything she needs._

"_yeah i know, and I don't want to hold you back from your dream, not while i'm here living mine." I told her with the most proper words i could come up with instead of saying what actually was on my mind..- 'why can't you just make your dreams come true here with me' –the thought of needing her to be here was shrinking my ego. I knew i had a say on this. I could tell her not to go and be selfish. Tell her that she has responsibilities now not just to herself but to me. Its easier if i just told her. But that's not what i want.I want her to want to stay here with me. I want her not to want to take that offer, not to want to leave for it, to know the consequences of this and not want it. I want her to not leave because she needs to be here._

_But this idea of her leaving for an uncertain period after we had just gotten married is too much to take. Sometimes she just wouldn't understand , it would upset her and i don't want that. This was like telling me she needed something else. The thought kills me._

_-0-_

Quinn snapped a finger in front of me as if to take me back to here and now. I finally spoke "Yeah, perhaps thats what love do to you, you suck it up"

"But its like its never hard for both you, that willingness you know, that compromise, mostly its the commitment, you do it like how the breeze just passes by." Quinn continued.

" Yeah, its kind of a give and take thing Q." I told her, somewhat under my breath. 'right! i just take and take since my wife is like damn bionic woman! doesn't give me any chance to reciprocate or better yet perhaps she doesn't need it, so i give it to someone else, and generously at that.' I thought internally.

At back of my mind it was true, i don't push it with Britt. What i want goes out the window on my own volition. I don't force her into anything, i just go with the flow. I learned to wait. I got tired of it. I learned to hope and im still hoping.

"You two are just...gr—" Quinn was just saying something and was cut off when my phone started ringing. I held up a hand to Quinn as if excusing myself.

I took it out of my pocket and pressed the answer button. I pressed it to my ear and to my surprise i heard a song playing..

_I'm not in love, so don't forget it  
It's just a silly phase I'm going through...  
And just because I call you up..  
Don't get me wrong, don't think you've got it made_

'hmmm' i just might know who this is. I checked the phone screen and i smiled to see who it was, 'ha' i was right!' I pressed it back to my ear stood up and started walking away from Quinn and back into the house. I continued listening to the song.

_I'm not in love, no, no, it's because...  
I like to see you, but then again  
That doesn't mean you mean that much to me  
So if I call you, don't make a fuss  
Don't tell your friends about the two of us_

Once inside the house, i immediately went in to my home office slash library. I sat on my desk sporting a wide grin as the song kept on playing.

_I keep your picture upon the wall  
It hides a nasty stain that's lying there  
So don't you ask me to give it back  
I know you know it doesn't mean that much to me  
I'm not in love, no, no, it's because...  
Ooh you'll wait a long time for me,_

I wonder what this song wants to make me feel or more so the one playing it.

_I'm not in love, so don't forget it  
It's just a silly phase I'm going through  
And just because I call you up  
Don't get me wrong, don't think you've got it made  
Ooh I'm not in love, I'm not in love..~_

'yeah me too. Not yet, at least' or perhaps i just wasn't sure yet. I remained silent and waited for the caller to speak, after a few seconds she did.

"i received a message from a blonde thanking me for getting her gift, favor for her wife? Yeah right, i think thats what she said.." she said with an air of bitterness.

" Perhaps, so you called to get a thank you via phone call?" I inquired to annoy her.

"Okay! Here it is.. thank you Hayes!" I told her to annoy her more. I didn't actually know that Britt texted her. I like irritating her though, she becomes sweeter after, especially when defeated.

"Santana...!" She scoffed, i can almost feel her fury just hearing her breathe which i actually secretly enjoyed. I like tormenting her, it drives her mad, especially when she's already upset.

"What? What do you want me to say..?" saying that in an act-puzzled-sound-confused-tell-me-what-to-do kind of way. Although... you exactly know the answer to your own question. You just want hear her say it, demand for it.

"In case you've forgotten, that was for YOU!, i bought it for YOU!" She pointed it out like she was talking to someone incapable of understanding.

"its bad enough she'll be sharing that gift, more so, that you made it all hers for the taking!".. She wants us to argue. I know it. But i don't want it, not right now, but i have to make her believe i'm ready for it, to let all this die down.

"Hey! Hey! This, is your fault, who told you to corner me? and in the brink of time that i needed to be here. And don't even bother reasoning it wasn't planned, you and i both know it was!" i told her, accusingly. She doesn't like it when she's caught red handed. When i don't give in to her caprices and act like her feelings don't matter.

"I don't want to fight with you.." She voices out softly. 'ahhh! The sound of defeat'

"its just that i really missed you, and i needed you so bad.." she continued somewhat pleading with despair. 'Wow, the voice of surrender... More! More!'

"i'm sorry.. okay? I'm just really upset... that... i couldn't be with you now, like we usually do when she's not home... i know you said tomorrow will be ours...but i know, and you do too...its not gonna happen like that, not while she's there..i had to take what i can get." 'There goes the white flag!'

She's right about that. It is so much harder to move around when Britt is home. The thought that she might just show up in places, while we do our thing, its too risky to say the least. But i have risked it with her, she had even met Britt and became like acquainted with her. Unlike the others before her, i let her in into my privacy in a deeper sense. Perhaps because it was easier with her, she's a colleague from work, my associate to be exact, we always talk, we always meet, we are friends, who would suspect.

The heat of the moment died down so i told her. "You don't have to do that, i make time for you, when she's not here, i'm all yours right? so we don't have to complicate things, risking it this way. And You know i didn't have a choice, i needed a way out, and i'm sorry if i hurt you, you know i didn't mean to."

Wooing her actually feels nice. You know she needs it and wants it, and it feels good that you are the one to satisfy that need.

"i know... and i want to say its okay, but i can't , i'm sorry to have snapped at you, im just so frustrated... because there's no way you're gonna choose me over her, not ever... and i wouldn't want you to..." I can hear she was crying, so much sadness in her voice.

i shouldn't be breaking with that thought, but I am. Its one of the consequences of this relationship, to hurt, one of them, actually both of them, the other is just oblivious to it, while the other knows everything and experiencing all sorts of pain, Ashley is the latter.

As the mid-man to all these, 'or mid-woman' I was prepared for this. I am the perpetrator of this crime, and to feel affected by either their emotions would mean one thing, i'm in trouble. I've got to control how i feel. If only Ashley were like all the others. It wouldn't be like this, that i was sure of.

"i really am sorry, you know where we stood from the start, you know what we would be..." my eyes were misty, i held up my gaze, not allowing the tear to fall, otherwise it would mean something.

As i wiped my face with one hand, trying to erase the thought of crying and guilt, i heard the door opened and in mere seconds heard Britt's voice.

"Babe ...? are you here...?" she called out to me.

"I'll talk to you later.. i have to go..." i whispered into the mouthpiece, hoping Ashley heard it. i ended the call, and ran my palm through my face once more. Hoping that whatever emotion i felt moments ago would pass along with my hand. I stood up and walked away from my desk to Britt's direction. I responded.

"Yeah, i'm here babe!"

"why are you here all alone? I've been looking for you, i got your wine.."

"Oh i was just looking for some book i just might use for this new case, it slipped my mind that i asked you to get me some, i'm sorry"

"Its okay, your bosses left already by the way, something about an early hearing tomorrow, i couldn't find you, they said to just tell you and you would understand... " she conveyed to me, sounding tired, but somewhat holding her gaze on me, searching for something.

" Totally, i'll just send them my thanks tomorrrow... don't worry about it.. you look tired babe.."

"A bit, but you know its all worth it, celebrating our anniversary together.. Finally! This is so much more fun than skype or 3G phone calls!" she rolled her eyes while she blurt it out. "I'm just happy to see all of our friends celebrate with us, I'm just happy to celebrate with you.." she declared, her eyes full of sincerity. I tore my gaze from her, and held her hand and looked at it.

"of course, I couldn't be happier!" i uttered while i regain composure to level my eyes again on her. She was grinning widely at me, and i took the opportunity to land a soft kiss on her lips while the words "thank you" escape my mouth.

"Lets join the others outside" she giggled and squeezed my hand.

A couple more drinks, and chatting and laughing. The guest slowly thinned down, until they had all gone home, leaving me and Britt alone. Britt has gone upstairs ahead of me, she must have been tired, preparing the party that was.

I climbed the stairs and made my way to our room. I reached our door, and was startled when my eyes were blocked by a thickly folded silk fabric. I felt it tightening at the back of my head. I felt breathing in my ear, then a whisper...

"Are you tired?" Brittany's voice seductive, and somewhat tantalizing me...

i did not respond. I waited for her to speak again.

"Hmmm... this night isn't over yet.. we're just getting started.".. Her voice even more seducing...

She pushed me slowly, nearing me to the door of our room. I heard her open it. She guided me in entering. When we were finally inside, she removed the blind fold. Our conventional room was lit by candles aesthetically placed on its different corners, petals scattered on our cream carpeted floor, white bed covers, pillows, tables and love seat cloaked with the redness of the rose petals. She then pulled me by the wrist and seated me on the edge of the bed.

She took a remote and pressed it. A song started playing, lulling me to seduction. I let my eyes scan through the room, then eyed Britt from her feet going up to her head. She started to strip the pieces of her clothing, removing each article with care characterized by slow, flirty moves.

Dancing slowly, she moved every inch of her body, each movement enticing me. When she finally tossed her skirt aside, She was wrapped in black lacy lingerie, contrasting the milky color of her skin. The light from the candles fell on her, making her skin shimmer, and showed the tiny droplets of sweat she gathered while dancing. Before i even felt it, my mouth has fell open, even before she finished dancing and started strutting towards me. 'We're so gonna be on tonight' i knew it, i need this. As i saw her approaching me, i started removing my blazer and threw it on the floor.

When i was about to unbutton my shirt, she was right in front of me, wiggling her finger to my eyes, as she said to me.

"No babe, i'll do that." In a somewhat whisper.

She knelt in front of me. Crashed her lips into mine with hunger, with longing, with passion. I can feel it, I've missed it. I felt myself kissing her back... intensely. We continued to kiss, my fingers tangled in her hair, pushing her deeper into me. I wanted to feel more of her. I bit her lip. I pulled back to ask if she's okay. She flashed me a wide smile. She then trailed kisses from my jaw line to my chin. She nibbled on my ear and run her tongue through its lobe to its base. I heard myself whimper at the touch of her tongue. She then trailed down my neck, peppering it with soft kisses. Her hands were now on my shirt undoing every button. She continued nibbling on my neck to my pulse point. I let her.

I suddenly felt her tugged down my shirt. Pulling it off me with urgency. I threw my arms back helping her remove it from my body. She threw it on the floor,not breaking from kissing me. She then went down kissing the top of my chest. She unclasped the barrier of clothing and eventually pulled it off. She nibbled on them, pampering both with kisses and equal attention. I remained unmoved, anticipating what she was going to do next. She pulled away from me, brought her hand to cup my cheek, she brushed her thumb against it. She looked into my eyes with longing. It shot me straight into the heart, one of the rare times I've felt this. She needs me. She longed for me. I kissed her forehead and then whispered to her "make love to me..." .

With renewed vigor, i leaned in into her touch, she ran her hand from my cheek, to my neck, down to my toned abdomen. She unclasped my skirt from behind, and pulled it down. She placed her hands on my hips, tugged on the waistband of my underwear and slid it down my leg. She then ran her hand rubbing my thighs. I felt my head fall back behind. This is teasing, arousing, tingles every nerve in my body. She parted my legs, i let her. I spread it even wider to receive her. 'i'm still so vulnerable to her. I can't help it, i can't resist her' i was surprised. She has crashed her lips on mine.' Before it was only hers, but now I'm not so sure' she placed soft kisses on it slowly, every inch of me. I moaned softly. As her kisses started to deepen, my grip on her neck tightened pushing her deeper into me, craving contact, her contact.

She blew soft breaths to a sensitive spot, teasingly darted it. I shivered, my thighs trembled, her grip on them tightened, receptive to my trembling, holding me in place. I then felt her take me in full. My back arched. My hips bucked up, pushing itself closer to her, letting her know i needed to be satisfied by her. I panted, i was almost begging her. I let the sound of pleasure escape from my lips. Between heavy breaths. I was caught by surprise when i felt her enter me and she continued with her previous ministrations. I can't hold back any longer, my back fell on the bed. She continued to pace in and out of me. As her stroke hit me, I felt myself tighten on her, until i felt the waves of satisfaction wash over inside me. She continued to trail my body with kisses upwards, until she reached my lips. She kissed me, our tongues massaged each other, dominating each other. When she felt me gasped for air, she slowly pulled out of me. She watched me on the bed all drawn out of energy.

As I laid on my back, i gazed at her, raised my finger and summoned her to come near me. She moved closer and leaned in to me. I grabbed her by the waist, turned her over, until her back was on the bed. I kissed her hungrily. I took her tongue in mine and massaged it, until we felt the need for air. I continued to place soft kisses on her cheeks, her neck until i reached her chest. Each lavished with my kisses. I nibbled on her toned abs. She moaned at every nibble. She shivered with my ever bite. Tangling her fingers in my hair. I positioned myself straddling her. I moved back up. I kissed her neck and nuzzled in it. I nibbled on her shoulder. I continued to kiss her, nibble her, and bite her.

I then ran my fingers through her, i felt her. I caressed her. Her hips were bucking, eager to get me in immediately. I continued to caress her, she whispered through shivers "Babe, make love to me please.." I slid in gently, she panted at my pace, she called for satisfaction through heavy breaths. Then I made an addition, as i felt both fully inside her, the pace became faster. She pushed her hips against me, wanting me to be deeper in her. I pushed into her, following her rhythm this time. I felt her body stiffen, she came undone. She sat up, threw her arms around my neck, and rested her cheek on my chest as she continued to rock us.

When she finally relaxed she laid back down. I followed her and laid down next to her. Both of us were breathing heavily. She pulled the sheets over us. She threw her arms around my waist and i enveloped her in my embrace through her shoulder. She nuzzled in the crook of my neck. I rested my chin on her hair and inhaled her scent.

"Best Anniversary ever!" she blurted out.

"Yeah..." i said, still taken aback by what just happened.

As i was about to close my eyes, feeling tired and ready to sleep.. i heard the words escaped her lips..

"Babe, we need to talk".


	6. Book1: Chapter 6: A Trip To Us

**Adorkabledevil's note: This is one of my fave chapters :) **

* * *

Book One: Otherwise Cuffed To You

* * *

_Chapter 6: A Trip To Us_

* * *

The sun is shining brightly. Heat scorching through the skin. I suppose everybody can feel it. But not me. Here we are, all packed while we unload our luggage from the trunk of the cab. Britt and I have been standing here for about ten minutes but it rather feels like an hour or so. With the weather like this, i should be cursing at the sun and all soaked in sweat and rebelling against the heat. Britt has been carefully checking on me while we wait, wiping my face of sweat which I don't even notice to be dripping at the side of my face. But i'm too..wait! trying to find the correct word... preoccupied? Agitated ? nah. Phrenetic. Yeah thats it. I don't care how this heat can even damage my smooth olive skin, I'd rather stay here.

I prefer to stay here and it doesn't even matter if the cab driver takes forever unloading those bags . To stall this trip was the idea. Moreover to forget the reason for it. Anything to prolong the wait to get on that plane would be better, anything that would stop us from taking this trip and going through its intended purpose, because the moment we get on that plane, it would be for real and for good. In a few hours or so we'll be in Lima.

This trip wasn't exactly planned. Being such, I had to drag myself down at the office monday morning at 6 am. I needed to draft my letters, motions, and notices, study my cases, make the pleadings necessary for each case I was handling. I had three cases at hand. Being the lead counsel for each, I was suppose to plan out and carefully scrutinize what's needed for each of them. That's how i do my job and that's why i'm good at it. As a lawyer I can't be too trusting on people. I can't be too dependent either.

Every trial can turn either in my favor or otherwise. I can't get myself to let my associates or our researchers to do the work for me. I need to know how my case flows and very well at that. I don't like being caught off guard. Thats why i need to know its very details like the back of my hand. I needed to do all that of course, before I file for a leave, 3 weeks to be exact. It sounds too long and too agonizing. For the first time in my adult life I couldn't put two and two together.

However, the i-am-always-prepared-quick-thinking attitude i've actually gotten good at, mastered at best had abandoned me the night of our anniversary party. I don't really know if it was the mind-blowing love making, or my sleepy self, or the fact that, that night i felt Britt needed me or maybe the longing that i actually want it, or wanted it.

She said it and i just nodded and smiled at her. I don't even know how that came about, but i did feel my lips stretched and then curved and it felt like the most natural reaction. Then i kissed her. With that kiss came my agreement to what she wanted, a consensus to make our home a real one, one with a family.

We decided to have baby.

-o-

_Brittany was in Japan, it was the tour's current stop. They were on an Asian tour at present, after they ventured Europe, the first round of the tour for which Brittany was invited. Almost two years, with a few home visits for breaks, 2 months each year, or she can divide it and take it separately depending on her choice or what the job actually demanded._

_I was right, in my mind, when i first tried to stop her from joining that tour. It was uncertain where she would be or when she would come home and unfortunately, the break didn't fall on this month. It's my birthday and she isn't here, she can't be here, but i let it go. She'll call of course, i know it. Thanks to technology i'll even see her._

_I didn't have any celebration planned. I'm content to just get the call from Britt and treat myself to a glass of wine. But Britt wouldn't allow it. So at 11:00 pm i heard my doorbell rang._

_I went to the door and opened it. At my doorstep was Q, Puck and Beth. Puck was holding a box of cake and Beth was holding three balloons._

"_Happy birthday!" Q greeted in a very bouncy and jolly tone of voice while spreading her arms and with the "spirit fingers" somewhat dancing to a tune only she can hear._

"_Thanks!" i said sounding surprised. I pursed my lips and continued with a confused look "but you guys are an hour early"._

"_Doesn't matter, we're gonna take you somewhere... it's your birthday" Q reasoned out pointing a finger for emphasis._

"_i'm waiting for Britt's call and i prefer staying here than celebrate elsewhere." I told her in a somewhat deadlock voice so they would know that i wasn't going to be persuaded._

"_She can call you on your cellphone, wherever we would be. Besides can't you see my daughter's up this late so she can actually be here and take you with us" She pointed to Beth who was now doing the cutest puppy dog eyes._

"_That's right Lopez! so you better drag your ass and come down with us. You wouldn't want to upset my princess and my queen right?" Puck added, narrowing his eyes and then winking at me. Reaching a high-5 to the now 9 year-old Beth._

_I looked at Beth and she still has those eyes, gazing at me. How can i possibly resist her. We, as friends, practically raised this kid, especially during those times when her parents were dysfunctional._

_I brushed my hand through Beth's hair and dropped on my knees to level my eyes on the kid._

"_This is for you Aunt Sanny, so you'll go with us.. " She smiled and handed me my balloons. I took it from her and rubbed my nose against hers before i gave her a hug._

_As hugged her I whispered "Thank you little Quinn! These are amazing.". Then i pulled away and flashed her my biggest smile._

_I can feel the odd couple's gaze at the sight of me and Beth. I rise to my feet and wiggled my finger at each of them. "i'll go, but because Beth asked me to. Let me grab my keys and my coat" the two smiled. Puck raised his hand again to Beth for a High-5 as he said "Good Job baby girl!" ._

_I went inside and grabbed my coat and keys. Puck told me i didn't need to bring my car and we should just take theirs. I climbed into the backseat, Beth was at my side with the box of cake in between the two of us. "this is gonna be fun Aunt Sanny even if Aunt Brit is away, we promise." She smiled raising her right hand to show her sincerity. I smiled half-heartedly. I was touched, but at same time reminded that I had great friends, but still my day wouldn't be complete._

_After driving for a good 15 minutes or so, we reached our destination. We were at the beach. We walked to the shore, Puck was holding Quinn's hand while Beth pulled me by the wrist and dragged me near the shore. As we reached it, I saw a bonfire surrounded by four people as i eye each of them i recognized it was Kurt, Blaine his boyfriend, Mercedes and Man-Hands oh.. Rachel. They turned their heads as Quinn called out to them. They all got on their feet and approached us. Each of them hugging me and greeting me. Afterwhich, they dragged me a bit to the side of the bonfire, and asked me to look down on the wide spread of sand, I did so and on the sand it was written, i read it out loud - UR HR CZ I WN HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABE!—My phone then rang. I looked at the time it was 12:00 am. I pressed the answer button and took it to my ear. I knew who it was. And I immediately said "Thanks Britt-britt"._

"_Happy Birthday Babe!" i heard her voice sounded tired, but i can sense she was smiling. "I love you, I hope you like it, i actually asked all of them, I didn't want you to be alone like last year."_

"_i love you too, thank you" i said again a little of my sadness had faded. I knew she'll do something like that. I wasn't exactly surprised, but i like it, but still it doesn't compare to her being here._

"_Did you blow your cake yet?" she inquired somewhat puzzled._

"_Not Yet" i told her._

" _Go Get the cake babe and make a wish, turn on the 3G so i can see." She sounded so eager and excited. I bet she would ask me later what my wish was. I called out to Puck who handed me the cake with the lighted candle. I held the camera infront of me so Britt would see. I closed my eyes and made my wish then blew the candle out._

_I opened my eyes and saw Brittany on the camera clapping happily and smiling at me. "what did you wish for San?" she asked._

"_Hmmmm" I said to her, teasing her like i wasn't going to tell her. At the same moment i saw Q and Puck with Beth between them holding her hands out to both her parents while they swing her, lifting her feet to the air._

"_C'mon tell me, anything you want Babe" she said while flashing me her biggest smile._

" _i want that" i said pointing my finger and turning my phone to the direction of the family of three as they happily tread the shore so Britt could see what i wished for. I turned the phone to face me again. As i did so, i saw Britt's wide smile drop from her face and fade. I looked at her intently, letting her know the sincerity and longing for that wish._

_She opened her mouth "Babe...i don't really know about that... We can't right now... I just signed for another year." She sighed after she said that. Her breath was heavy and i can see the regret on her face, somehow saying she can't make that dream come true just yet._

_Her demeanor however did not shake me neither did it upset me, i wasn't even shocked. I was angry, that was the first thing i felt. 'another year and she signed without telling me'. I so badly wanted to start a family, maybe that can make her stay and stop touring already, but my proposal of that tonight was turned down without avenue for consideration. She was stuck on that tour._

_Perhaps she noticed I got furious. She tried pacifying the situation as she spoke "San, we'll get there, just not right now, after this –" she was about to promise something again, but i cut her to it._

"_Forget about it, I gotta go". I spoke and that was the end of the conversation. I pressed the button to end the call and longer to turn it off. I ran back to my friends around the bonfire. I didn't tell them what happened with my phone call with Britt. We drunk the night away, laughing and chatting, trying to mask the already ruined night with fun and celebration.'Happy Birthday to me'_

_-o-_

So while in the office Monday morning, I thought while attending to the things that needed to be done. 3 weeks vacation means i would miss a lot of work. More importantly I would miss me a lot of Ashley. That, i wouldn't be able to do a lot of in the coming weeks. I had to tell her, or did i really have to. My mind juggled from telling her or not. Perhaps, I could just disappear and she could just ask me 3 weeks after, at least that would be less confrontational, and even if we argue it would be moot and academic since my absence would be over, i've returned by then. I was confused as to telling Ashley about the trip, but the reason behind... that she doesn't have to know. Not yet.

Besides Britt and I will just be trying, nothing so sure of just yet.

We're going there to see the person we probably most trust to give us the best donor and to take really good care of Britt in the process, my father. Being a doctor, Britt suggested that we go see him. Definitely, he would have the best suggestions as to how to go about this. He definitely knows a lot of people in their circle who would be of great assistance to us. My father certainly wouldn't allow his grandchild to be a spawn of some creepy donor whom we wouldn't be able to do a background check on. Although, they have the best doctors here, I prefer that my wife be handled by somebody we can actually trust. Britt called Papa last Sunday to tell him we were going to Lima next week to see him. The old man did not yet inquire why but nevertheless was delighted to hear the news.

As soon as i finished all the work that needed to be done that day. I went to Mrs. Eleanor's office and gave her my letter requesting for a three week leave from work together with all the files which was in my care and surrendered it to her. I explained that everything was in place and that i have prepared all that was needed for the upcoming trials in the weeks that i will not be around. My boss gladly accepted. She didn't even inquire on the reason why I was taking a leave. Even if she did, i'll lie.

I don't want that to be a news around the office and actually reach Ashley. Especially if i plan to just disappear with a few text messages. So after i dropped off everything. I was permitted to go home. I didn't bother finishing the day. Totally trying to avoid Ashley that day, to avoid further talks and arguments why i would be gone so long, or even give her the chance to stop me from going on the trip because for sure, I would be in big trouble if that happens. I would have to break someone's heart and Ashley wouldn't let that be hers. So i left the office and drove home to Britt who was already packing.

Now here we are, sitting comfortably in our seats. Britt was looking outside the window. She took the window seat and i took the one near the aisle. Excitement was showing all over her body. The way she giggles every second and the way she moves in her seat. 'We were going home'. It was our first flight back home together since we got married. Perhaps her exhilaration was rising every minute, she was rarely home with me here, even more or perhaps, never have been in Lima since we left the place we dreaded to leave back in high school. I guess she missed it.

I've been to Lima more frequent than her. I went there for certain occassions when i choose not to celebrate with someone else here or just when needed. Those mostly were short trips and for a particular intended purpose for one to visit my parents, during thanksgiving, glee club reunion, my birthday, especially since Britt wasn't around, i made those trips alone for the past years, that is, until now.

I don't really know how to feel about this trip. One minute i feel happy about it the other i didn't want to push through with it.

I wanted this baby... before... . I'm just not quite sure now.

It's a lot of responsibility. Especially now, knowing how messed up I was. But i still long the feeling that this will make Britt stay, we woud become a family , not just Britt and I anymore. It made me think that this might actually change who i have been for the last couple of years without Britt beside me.

This might just revive the person i was before. The one who only knew one love in her life. Fully trusted that person, and needed only that person. The one who didn't have the bitterness of someone being left behind everytime. The one who didn't believe she was in a one-sided marriage. The one who seek the attention of only one person. The one who didn't lie to her. The one whom she return to and was always there waiting.

But at the back of my mind those are mere hopes.

I'm not that person anymore.

When you're tainted with all the bitterness, hurt and disappointment and carried a baggage heavier than you could actually contain, you can't easily go back.

You can't deny the existence of things you already created.

I started thinking again. 'is it selfish to have this baby?'

'For it to be drawn into the cobwebs of lies that lie beneath my marriage to Britt?'

These are lies however that i cannot deny having made.

Then again, we're just trying, and if doesn't happen, I guess it would be for the best.


	7. Book1: Chapter 7: Who Is It?

Book One: Otherwise Cuffed To You

* * *

_Chapter 7: Who Is It?_

* * *

My eyes flickered open as i heard a voice call out announcing our arrival at Lima Allen County Airport. I turned my head to my right and saw Britt turned to my side, her head resting on my shoulder. Her golden hair flowing beautifully at side of her face, almost covering it.

The light from the plane's window shining through fell strikingly on her, making her glow even more. I examined her face, her demeanor a reflection of innocence, so soft and untouchable. 'god she's beautiful, how can i say no to her'. That moment the wheels of my mind has started turning again, bringing me back to the thoughts i had before we even boarded the plane. She was still sound asleep, as i heard another announcement. I decided to wake her up.

As i kissed her forehead softly as i whispered " Britt, we're here."

"Hmm.." she muttered as she slowly lifted her head from my shoulder and rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand.

Having shaken herself from the remnants of sleep, she looked at me and flashed a wide smile.

She raised her hand and cupped my cheek, rubbing my cheek bone softly with her thumb "we're home San.".

I smiled at at her and leaned on her palm i responded "yeah, finally".

We rise to our feet and fixed ourselves, we picked up our things and headed for the exit.

As we walked through the airport, Britt's head was turning profusely. She tiptoed to the crowd, while her neck elongates upward. With the crowd infront of us, even with a height such as hers, she cannot somehow see the people behind the metal railings. I joined her in her search while i was curious to ask who we were suppose to be eyeing.

"who are we looking for? Did you ask us to be fetched?" I asked while she continue to search for i still don't know who or didn't want to know.

"Yeah i did. I can't see them though." She said, maintaining the same stance while narrowing her eyes upward.

"who did you call? Besides, who else knows that we're gonna be here?" I continued to ask her trying to hide the nervousness in my voice. I dreaded for the answer, but at the back of my mind it was a lost cause, of course i knew what her answer would be. Britt hasn't been here since forever, she definitely would want to see them.

"Mom and Dad... silly... who else would it be? I asked them to pick us up." She blurted out, with a look of disbelief, somewhat telling me i should've known.

She was right, i knew that. But I couldn't possibly tell her that at some point when i was asking her, i hoped for a different answer. She did call Papa first, it was him we were going to see. I would have had no problem with that.

"Yeah, but i just thought-" i was just about to say what i thought when i was cut off when Britt started waving her hand and calling out to someone.

"We're here!" she called out to a person from a distance. She set her feet flat on the ground as she turned to me "C'mon San, they're here."

I let out a heavy sigh. I'm not sure how to go about this, i definitely will need more pleasantries. i lifted our bags and followed Britt as we traversed a crowd of people.

When were finally out in the wider space with less people, Britt's movements became faster her strides became longer. I walked slower than usual with my eyes directed downward to the ground. Not anticipating who we were going to meet. Britt noticed that i was lagging behind. She went near me and grabbed my wrist to drag me faster so we could reach the people waiting for us.

I finally heard a call from not so far a distance "How are my two lovely daughters?" in the soothing, motherly, calm voice. That voice which i have known almost all my life can only come from one person. Laura Pierce.

Laura is the epitome of motherhood. As i eyed her, i noticed the woman hasn't changed. The aura of serenity and content she exudes is admirable. She has always been the ideal mother. I absolutely adore mine, as the saying goes 'love your own' but i cannot deny the admiration for my mother-in-law.

Being part of the inner circle of the well-heeled women in Lima together with my mother and Judy Fabray, these women are known to be intellectually driven, career-oriented and had the option to stay at home and do nothing but does otherwise. None of them were satisfied to be housewives, my mother was a member of the Board of Trustees of a Non-Profit Institution, Judy Fabray was a well-known Realtor, and Laura was a Senior Accountant in Lima's Biggest accounting firm. It being a place where people practically knew each other such titles and the status that it entails is a big deal around town. But even with the status, Laura has kept it simple.

Although busy most of the time, she never once missed a moment in her children's life and when it required more than what she can allow, she'll definitely drop everything for Thomas, Britt and Amanda. At some point it might have caused it her career but she never had regrets.

Even when it was such a well spread knowledge that Britt wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, she would always talk about her with pride and focus on how talented she is. She would never be ashamed of Britt and the things she does and says.

Maybe thats why, besides having been friends wiith Britt for almost all my life, she has always been comfortable and trusting of me when it comes to Britt. For her, i was the perfect person for her daughter, even with the unconventional approach of our relationship, i have loved Britt, protected her and stood by her, perhaps the same way she does. As for me, i couldn't ask for a better mother-in-law.

I didn't even notice Britt disappear beside me as she approached to envelope her mother in a warm embrace. I looked at the endearing scene as I walked faster to greet my mother-in-law. As Britt pulled away, Laura gestured for me to fall into her embrace.

As she hugged me, then she whispered "I'm glad you're here, its been too long, the two of you."

I patted the woman's back before i pulled away, "Yeah, but we're here now." i then flashed her the warmest smile. I tried to push aside the pang of guilt that washed over me at that moment.

I cannot look at Laura longer than what is required. I love the woman, who has been like a real mother to me. Like Britt, she has this calming effect on me. I cannot understand how it feels, standing right in front of her knowing what i have done. She was one of those who have accepted our relationship from the time it has began and told us she had always known we'll end up together. This woman who have entrusted her daughter to me and have slept soundly at night believing that her daughter is safely cradled in my arms and my promise of forever. Pushing my thoughts away, I scanned the scene and began to ask.

"Thomas.. not with you?" I inquired curiously. I'm not looking forward to seeing the man. Noticing his absence soothes my nerves.

"Yeah mom... where's dad?" Britt asked further. Perhaps she was so excited to see Laura she forgot to ask about her old man.

"He has a business meeting in Columbus which he cannot possibly drop" Laura dismissively responded. The woman is not actually one who meddles or inquires into her husband's professional schedule or dealings as it always has been. She then asked us "So, are you both ready to go?"

I sat at the backseat of Laura's Range Rover. I looked out the window while we drive along Bellafontaine Ave. I've noticed the town hasn't change much from the last time i was here. Usually i remained confined to my area of town. I don't loiter as much, since usually my trips were short, a day or within a day then back to New York.

I was snapped back away from my thoughts when i heard Laura mention that Britt's room has been cleaned and prepared for our arrival. I had to cut in in their conversation.

"Babe, i thought we would be staying at the hotel?" I asked even if i didn't actually know what the plan was.

"San... of course not. I told mom we would be staying at the house, besides, we're not gonna spend our money on a hotel since we'll be staying here for quite a while" Britt told me in a very complacent voice.

"I just don't want us to be intruding..." I said in a low voice, somewhat shying away from the idea of it all.

"Nonsense Santana, you two are never an intrusion. Perhaps you feel that way because you haven't been visiting us when you are in town? We don't take offense, we know how busy you are..." Laura reasoned convincingly. Who wouldn't love this woman always fair and understanding.

"Yeah, i'm sorry, i'm glad you understand, mostly it's just short day trips." I said fueling what Laura has already concluded.

"Its settled then, you'll be staying with us. Besides, if we were able to withstand two promiscuous teenagers back then, we definitely can handle two married adults." My mother-in-law added jokingly and gave me wink from the rearview mirror wanting to remind us of how Britt and I used to always break the open-door policy in their home due to our raging hormones. I let out a breathy laugh in response. How she knows us so well, embarrassingly so. Britt reacted with disgust, rolling her eyes. She told her mother.

"Mom, we're embarrassed enough." Laura smirked at her before she continued

"Trust me honey, the feeling's mutual, i can't even count on my fingers how many times i've felt that way. "

-0-

_Britt and I were officially together. Although, i wouldn't say we have never done it before, today it would be different. A few more minutes and the Cheerios practice would be over. I can't wait for it to be over though, I kept looking at the clock wishing the time ran faster. After seeing Britt dance her heart out, full of energy and oozing with sexiness, i couldn't help but eye my long-legged girlfriend, how toned they are and her movements somehow seducing me and makes want to just grab those legs and thighs so i can seduce and tease her with my touch. I wanted to ravage her right then and there, but i guess it won't be long 'til i would be able to, so waiting wouldn't be at all bad._

_I was finally veered away from my thoughts when i heard Coach's voice through the megaphone telling us how senseless we are and that she doesn't want to waste anymore time so we can just hit the showers. After we did, I grabbed Brittany's hand and drag her to the parking lot to my car. When we were finally inside, I kissed her hungrily, after a few seconds she pulled away._

"_San let's wait 'til we get home" She said, while gasping for breath from the kiss._

"_My place or yours?" i asked her to clarify, anxious for her immediate answer._

"_Mine." She immediately responded._

_We drove to their house and i parked near the sidewalk. She got out and i immediately followed her. She unlocked the front door and as we entered the living room i grabbed her waist and pulled her close, crashing my lips on hers. She pulled away again and said "Room! Now." We hurriedly went upstairs and came stumbling into her room this time without breaking our kiss. When the time came to catch our breath, we pulled away. Britt closed the door and pressed to lock it. She started to undress before me, piece by piece she took off the Cheerios uniform. Before she can be fully naked, knowing i couldn't hold back anymore, I pulled her by the waist, i turned us near the bed and pushed her down on it. I unclasped her bra and threw it on the floor. When my hands landed on her hips just about to take off the last article of clothing on her body, she held my hand._

"_Sh*t! I forgot to shave" She muttered as she closed her eyes disappointed in herself._

"_It doesn't matter" i told her reassuringly as i placed a kiss on her forehead. I continued on slowly kissing my way down her body at the same time tugging down the offending garment off her. As i reached the side of her hip placing small kisses on it, i eyed her fully naked body beneath me. I continued kissing as i finally reach the spot that needed my utmost attention. I gently kissed it. I've noticed she actually hasn't shaved but it wasn't at all that bad. I really didn't mind. I was too turned on to mind, matter-of-factly. I continued to caress it with kisses. I can hear Britt breathe out small moans responding to my touch. Her breath became heavier as i started caressing her. I can feel her being aroused by every movement. It was becoming intense, since she was now grabbing the back of my head entangling her fingers in my hair. She was pulling me closer and deeper into her. Her pleasured moans were getting louder and louder as I continued to please her. I continued with my ministrations occasionally nibbling on her. We were too engrossed with our present activity that we didn't even hear people arrive in their house. That was until we heard someone knocking on Brittany's door._

"_Brittany Susan Pierce! What are you doing in there? Open this door." the voice outside inquired._

"_Sh*T! F*ck!" Brittany uttered, as we both pulled away and both rising to our feet. We collected the pieces of clothing Britt has discarded earlier as we try to put it on her as fast as we can._

"_Open this door now! Otherwise i'll have to open it with my key!" Again the voice of warning._

_As soon as we have fully put Britt in her uniform the voice spoke again "I'm gonna open this door now!" After we heard the last warning, Britt turned the knob and opened the door. I have positioned myself on the bed lying on my stomach and pretended to scan through a magazine I picked up from Britt's side table. Laura was right outside the door eyeing us with suspicion._

"_What are you two up to? SantanaC'mere." Laura summoned me to stand beside Britt._

"_Nothing mom we were just listening to music... we were watching some videos on my laptop... we didn't hear you knock" Britt reasoned to her. I thought that was a lame since we did reach third warning and her moans weren't exactly tamed._

_As i stood beside Britt, i didn't bother to think of any other reason since i have to support what she just had said. "Yeah, Mrs. Pierce, we were just so engrossed with a video and the volume is at max." 'Lamer'_

_Laura stuck her head between me and Britt, somehow inspecting the room. She then looked at us still suspicious. 'Sh*t the matching rings' I thought since when Laura looked down her eyes widened. Then it came._

"_I see, you're official" Laura said it. We didn't want it to be known just yet at least to our parents, knowing the implications of being official, we wanted to buy sometime to at least enjoy our freedom a bit while the parents still thought we were just best friends. Britt was just about to say something when Laura held up her hand to stop her. "Don't even try to fool me young lady, I know matching rings when i see them and i definitely know what it means."_

_Both our eyes cannot look at Laura and we stared downward. She continued to speak "and since that's the case... this door" she pointed to the door " remains open when she's here" then pointed at me._

_Just as Laura directed herself towards the stairs she turned her head back to face us and said "Santana... pull that curly blonde hair off your lips before dinner gets ready.. " she then looked at Britt "and honey... you can always borrow my shaver in case you lost yours." She lets out a mocking laugh as she treads the steps. I looked at Britt then she mouthed "i'm sorry"._

-0-

The Range Rover came to a stop. We were now at the Pierce's driveway. I went down the car as Britt herself got out. I took in the surroundings. Everything looks the same. Laura has maintained her garden of beautiful variety of flowers lining their lot. The walls outside were newly painted but its aesthetic was still the same. The two-storey house in which i have spent countless sleepovers with the girl i was head-over-heels in love with. I remember myself running through their now newly mowed lawn. The smell of fresh grass tingles in my nose. I can't help but notice that the swing set that sat near the large-caliper tree which has grown bigger now, was newly painted in all white, back then it was all colorful. It reminded me of childhood memories and of young love, pure and honest. I continued to retrieve our bags from the car and carried it as we entered the house.

As we reach the living room, the feeling was nostalgic. I could actually feel the whole house was like reminding me of the things i have forgotten. I used to be comfortable in this house. It was a haven for me back then especially when Britt and i were together. I cannot forget how this house had felt like a second home even before we got married I've always been welcomed by this humble abode and the people that lived here. But i cannot push away the nagging feeling that it was different now. I cannot shake off the feeling that i do not belong here and that i was like an intruder who entered the house from its backdoor betraying the people inside it. Someone whose presence wasn't expected and if they knew definitely they would not welcome me.

Britt went upstairs and i immediately followed her. Laura waved us off and reminded us that she would call us when dinner was ready, and most definitely that Thomas would have arrived by then. The feeling of discomfort again started to fill my body.

Britt's room was now filled with things belonging to us. Our pictures from different occasions hang on the walls. The bed was not Britt's old double bed but now a queen-sized one. The old study table was now replaced with a loveseat at one corner. The dresser was now bigger not like the one Britt used to have. The shelf just right above the wall now contained albums and books which were different from the story books it used to hold. But on the top of the shelf, sat the family of duck figurines, the exact same one Britt used to have. The mother leading her seven ducklings all lined up behind her. Britt and I decided to change into more comfortable clothes. After doing so we settled to lay on the bed and let ourselves fall into a nap for a while, just to wear off the exhaustion from the trip.

I was awakened by the knock on the door. It was dinner time and Laura as she has promised, called out to us to go downstairs and join them. Them. It only means one thing Thomas was home.

I shook Britt to wake her. I was easily awaken by Laura's knocking, not having fell for a deep slumber since i can still feel the uneasiness. Britt stirred and opened her eyes. Cracking her neck and stretching both her arms. I stood up and went to the bathroom to wash my face to at least look decent for dinner with my father-in-law. Britt followed me and did the same. After doing so, I followed Britt's lead to go downstairs and join her parents in the dining hall. As we pass through the wooden column entry to the area, before i even set my foot on its parquet floor, I saw the flash of short blonde hair which felt like it was blinding me. There he was, Thomas Pierce.

My father-in-law has always been a hardworking man. More often than not, even when we were kids he would always go on trips, across the country and sometimes even outside. He was a Member of the Board of Directors of a corporation, which has a wide array of businesses which required him to be on those trips taking care of business dealings and opening new business branches in different parts of the country and of the world. I've always admired the man. Eventhough he was a man of few words, he always did make me feel like i was part of his family. He wasn't showy of his feelings, but everytime that i or Britt hear him talking to his colleagues about us, he would always have good words, and proud words at that, in referring to us.

I used to think that he was a perfect equalizer to Laura who was bubbly and always giddy, while Thomas was a reflection of a reserved and calm nature. We had a good silent relationship and i couldn't be more thankful when he gave away his daughter to me the day of our wedding, signifying his trust and confidence in me.

-0-

_It was a hard but fun day at work. It was the day i got promoted toJunior Partner and i cannot contain how happy i was. I felt all giddy and elated. Even for the short span of time, having seen how hardworking I was, the Senior Partners decided to give me a significant spot. Together with Alex Ward. Yes, Alex was the son of Mr. Ward, nevertheless the handsome debonair was as brilliant as i was, it was definitely a fair game. He can be a little rough around the edges compared to me, but nevertheless he has a little something extra up his sleeves. He, like myself, was a good practitioner. He was a graduate of Yale, it took a him a little more time to graduate but still good enough to have the spot. Alex became an associate just a few months before i got invited to join the firm. Since then we had always been paired up in the same cases._

_Now, having been promoted at the same time, He invited me to celebrate together. I figured it wouldn't hurt since, i did not need to be home so early and i did want to celebrate this eventful day. Britt was still on tour and definitely even if i wanted to i cannot celebrate with her right now. I decided to call Natalie to join us and specifically told her to bring a friend as Alex's date._

_After we were done with work, so we decided to head on out to New York's newly opened night club. I texted Natalie and told her we will meet her there. Me and Alex were outside waiting for the girls and when they finally arrived, my current object of affection, Natalie grabbed me by the waist and pulled me into a deep hungry kiss. We entered the club and decided to go for a round of shots._

_After we were done with the third round, Alex, thankfully having fun with the date Natalie brought for him, went down to the dance floor with the girl. Natalie winked at me and whispered "Now, were finally alone." We eyed the VIP rooms at the second level and immediately walked our way up to go in one. Even before we reached one, Natalie was all over me, peppering me with hungry kisses on my lips and ears, jaw and neck. Perhaps she was so turned on and excited since that week it was the first we've seen of each other. She pushed us almost stumbling into one of the rooms. Once inside, we were both heavily breathing, but not breaking away, i was pushing her against the now closed door. She was uttering sweet nothings of imissyousomuch's in between breaths to which i responded. We were too caught up in the moment to even notice we were not alone in that room. As i was riding her skirt up, I heard a voice call out to me questioningly_

"_Santana?" the voice was deep, but i'm pretty sure i've heard it before. So i turned around to see who it was._

_To my horror, i saw the lock of short blonde hair. 'F*ck!'. It was Thomas Pierce. His shirt is fully opened, exposing his chest, with a woman in her thirties on top of him kissing him savagely on his neck down his torso. The woman's skirt was ridden up to her waist while Thomas hands rest upon her butt cheek._

_He glared at me and Natalie. I glared back at him and my eyes went from him and scanning his situation and the woman on top of him. His face fell, suddenly realizing his current state. My eyes fell to the ground realizing how awkward that moment was, how inappropriate to be caught like that by my own father-in-law and vice versa. He set aside the woman on top of him. They both stood up and fixed themselves. As he walked out he brushed his shoulder against mine in a brute manner before the woman wrapped her arms into that of Thomas. My face fell into the palm of my hands. Natalie hugged me from behind but i pulled away. I left Natalie and decided to go home. All ecstatic feeling i had the whole day, went down the drain. I felt it was the end of my marriage to Britt. I wanted to ran after Thomas to blackmail him because me too had something against him. I was so desperate thinking of retaliating against my father-in-law._

_After i got to the house and changed into my sleepwear, i couldn't bring myself to sleep. I was actually waiting for Britt's call to tell me that her father has told her of what he saw and that we were over. That call didn't come that night. I even called Britt the morning after and I told her about the promotion. She was so excited and happy but regretted she wasn't there to celebrate. I let the days pass, but still no angry-divorce call from Britt. I started to think that Thomas opted not to tell her because he was equally guilty of the same deed. Months passed and I've settled on the thought and peace that the incident would never surface, because even i opted not to let out what i know._

-0-

As the memory of that night plays in my mind, I cannot get myself to settle sitting so near the man whose secret I was keeping and who kept mine. I cannot rid myself of the guilty feeling of having this man choose me or what happened over his daughter because of the secret i refused to hold against him.

It was because we aren't the most loyal people.

We are people who had violated fidelity.

We are of the same kind.

If i was guilty, he most definitely is, because if he wasn't he would've acted otherwise.

I felt guilty but at the same time i felt relieved of the idea that there was something that held him back from ruining my otherwise perfect world as a perfect wife. Perhaps, it wasn't that, it can be simply that he knew Britt was happy and he did not want to be the one to take away that happiness.

He has left it to fate that whatever happens is my look out, like how i've settled on the idea that if his activities would be exposed it would most definitely not come from me.


	8. Book1: Chapter 8: Mine Or Yours?

Book One: Otherwise Cuffed To You

_Chapter 8: Mine Or Yours?_

As we step into the dining area, Thomas' head was bowed, looking onto his plate, his fingers tapping lightly on the glass topped dining table. Britt, perhaps wanting to surprise her father, let out a soft cough.

"Uh huhmmm!" Upon hearing Britt, Thomas lifted his head from its previous position. His eyes focused on Britt, he smiled widely.

"Princess!" He exclaimed. He immediately stood up from his seat and walked his way towards Britt. Upon seeing her father walking towards her, Britt open her arms widely to welcome him into an embrace.

Thomas engulfed Britt into his arms and pressed her tightly against him. As her chin fell on her father's shoulder their faces to the side of each, Britt whispered "i missed you Daddy."

I stood awkwardly watching the father and daughter savor each other's presence not having been able to see each other for a long five years. I can see Thomas' face from Britt's back. He was embracing her tightly, eyes shut and his entire face scrunched as if he was about to cry.

I felt like my blood was slowly being drained from my body. I felt like I was turning pale for every second that passed, seeing them right in front of me. Not quite sure if the tightness of Thomas' embrace against Britt or his compacted expression was an indication of how happy he was to see my wife, but my instinct was leaning towards that he was digging deeply into the core of his being, mustering all the strength he had not to divulged what he knew to Britt. Doling in the agony of why it was impossible for him to be able to. That whatever pain Britt would feel if she in fact did know, Thomas was absorbing for her right that very moment.

As i continue to stare at them, i saw Thomas' eyes opened. Before he decided to pull back, he glared at me. His stare cut deep within my chest. Then, I knew my instinct was right, a tear fell from his eye. I cannot look back at him, I dropped my gaze to the ground. I was guilty. He can probably see through me, that none of it was over, that something was still going on behind Britt's back. After all, he knew this game. He knows lying eyes because he has them. He knows the look of guilt because that's exactly how he felt. But unlike me, has not made a man lie to his own flesh and blood. He hasn't made a man betray his own daughter. The f*cked up person that I was has been generous enough to part with half of my guilt and share it with him. I cannot imagine a man who saw me grew up, who believed that part of what he has taught his daughter he has imparted to me, is seeing this person, who has not only betrayed his daughter, but his whole family. But still he had to welcome me with open arms because he too has betrayed them.

I was broken from my thoughts when the kitchen door opened and Laura appeared before us.

"Thomas, don't be so emotional and lead the girls to eat." Laura told him patting him on his shoulder.

Britt pulled away fully as her father took her by the elbows. She looked at her father's face and asked.

"Dad, why are you crying?" She was rubbing her father's arm as she spoke.

"Happy tears" Thomas uttered to dismiss Britt's worry. He continued to speak. "i'm just so happy you're here". He shook Britt a bit to feign excitement. He then removed his hands from Britt's elbows and placed one on her back, softly pushing Britt forward and one hand on mine, he gave me a stronger push as he said "C'mon Santana, Let's eat."

Thomas sat on the middle chair with Laura on his left and Britt on his right while i sat next to her. Britt was talking about the tour and how far along she was before being promoted as the head choreographer. Cutting in, Thomas inquired about the reason why we were in Lima. He was back to his normal self.

"What brought you two here then princess? Not that I'm complaining, you know mom and i have been wanting to see you." He squeezed Laura's hand and looked at her with a smile.

"Well Daddy, San and I..." She looked at me and put her hand on top of mine. I looked at her and smiled.

She then looked back at her father "We're going to start a family, we'll try to get pregnant for the three weeks that we'll be here". She then grinned widely, took her hand away from mine and clapped.

Laura's mouth went wide. She immediately stood up and went to our side sticking her head between us. She wrapped her arms around our shoulders and hugged us, squeezing us tightly. She kissed both of us alternately on our foreheads. I had to smile at Laura, the gesture was adorable. I'm still not sure how to feel about the baby thing, I still don't feel at ease. Laura went back to her seat. Thomas remained seated, his face reflected confusion and shock. Both his hands gripped tightly on the side of the table. He looked at Britt.

"Oh...that's good news." He said his voice stiff while nodding his head, 'trust me, he's not yet done, I can see it in his face'

"But don't you think it can get in the way of work? How about the upcoming promotion princess?" he said this time he looked at Britt curiously. 'the man did make sense, thank God for the pending promotion' I so wanted to bring that same thought to Britt but I felt I wasn't in the position to, since... well.

"Thomas! What an absurd consideration! How can you even think that way?..." Laura said with a hiss, letting Thomas know how disappointed she was that he did not have the same positive reaction to the news.

"I'm just looking out for them." He looked at Laura, somehow trying to convince her that he has a valid point. But I knew better why the man is reacting this way. He is again about to lie for me, or about to save Britt, either way he just have one goal, to stop this mistake from happening.

"They may not be prepared for this, their careers are still budding." He kept on explaining to his wife with a convincing tone in a manner which would render him feeling quite neutral to the situation.

"I just think it would be best that they enjoy the glory of success with themselves first, before they start to share it with a family." With that he ended his explanation. 'the man is absolutely right' I was thinking the exact same thing... or not, but a view like that could probably change Britt's mind.

"Daddy, San and I we're satisfied... with our positions." She looked at me smiling. 'might take longer than i thought but i would love to be senior partner'

She then looked back at Thomas "We're earning quite well, more than enough, actually." She said nodding her head in a persuading manner.

"We've been married five years, we'd definitely love a bundle of joy to shower with love and affection" She ended with a smile. 'i have showered my love and affection with many others'

She placed a peck on my cheek and asked me "Don't we?".

I'm gonna regret what I'm about to say... "Definitely Babe".

Laura smiled at me. Thomas, on the other hand, glared at me somewhat telling me i-was-trying-to-save-you-the-trouble-bitch. I just smiled back at both of them with a happy Brittany beside me.

Dinner was decent and I couldn't be more thankful. Britt and I were now laid on our bed. She's sleeping peacefully beside me. Her arms encircled my waist and her head nuzzled in the crook of my neck. But unlike her, sleep has not befallen upon me.

I decided to slowly pull away her arms from my waist. I gently turned her to her side of the bed. Sleeping soundly, the movements did not shake her from sleep. I dropped my leg to the edge of the bed and quietly stood up. I tiptoed my way out of the room. I decided that a sip of wine would probably put me to sleep.

I walked through the living room and entered the dining area. The lights were dimmed but enough to see throughout the house. I was headed towards the bar. As i approached the corner, I saw Thomas seated on one of the stools. My thoughts debated whether to return to our room or to get the wine. I chose the former. As I was about to walk away, I was held back when i heard him speak.

"Santana?" That tone of voice I could never forget. It was the same tone he had when he said my name during that night at the bar. I turned to face him, but stood firmly on the same spot without any attempt to move.

Looking at the floor I said in a very low voice. "Sir..?"

"Why are you here?" His voice was taut.

I guess i did have to respond. "I can't sleep Sir." Even if i wanted to drop the sir I felt like I can't.

"Because of guilt?" He sarcastically asked. I did not respond.

"Shame, perhaps?" This time he was insulting me. But I remain unmoved. No holding back was needed, for the simple reason, I did not want to answer any of his inquiries. I was not in the position to, or maybe I knew I couldn't because right in those questions he had his answers.

"I guess I need not ask" he said. This time he turned his head a little to face me.

"Because I know how it feels, but you know that too." He kept saying, now facing me with his back turned to the bar. He continued to speak.

"I still can't believe you're doing that to her." He shook his head in disbelief. This was interrogation. No matter how I try, I cannot lift my gaze to look him in the eye.

"Fate is hurting my princess because of what I did." With a shimmer of dim light on his face I can see his eyes full of regret. "This is my fault." he said with a heavy breath.

"I gave you my daughter Santana and you do this." He was now standing upright, pointing a finger to no one but I can't help but feel like he was poking right through my heart. I remained silent absorbing everything that's coming out of the man's mouth.

"You don't want to say anything?...F*ck you!" His words hit me like I was just gonna collapse right then and there, but I kept my emotions intact. I told myself I deserved this.

"You know what..? Just give her back to me". He was now moving to my direction. I was startled by what he just said and slowly lifted my gaze. I heard his voice again.

"Just give her back to me, Please..." as he said the last word, a tear dropped from his left eye. He was desperate. He was begging me. He looked tired, guilty and broken.

But that last thing he said, I definitely cannot ignore. I turned my back to him and as tears were attempting to fall, I said "I'm sorry Sir."

With that, I walked away from him and went back to our room. I left the man standing there in pain.

Sorry is a word I never say often. But this time, mustering all the strength that I had, I let it leave my lips.

I was sorry for everything that he accused me of.

I was sorry that it had to be this way.

But mostly I was sorry that I cannot just give Brittany back to him.

I knew I did not want to.


	9. Book1: Chapter 9: Who's Suppose To Be Be

Book One: Otherwise Cuffed To You

_Chapter 9: Who's Suppose To Be Beside You?_

The next day i woke up feeling heavy. The morning did feel like a relief that it was all over but what happened last night just wouldn't leave my thoughts. When i gained my consciousness from sleep, it again flashed through my mind. That voice kept ringing in my ears.'give her back to me...give her back to me'. I closed my eyes tightly to erase the thought, but it seems like the voice just became louder and the images of last night became clearer.

I shook my head furiously causing the comforter over my head to produce rumbling sounds. I heard the door to our room open, it made me stop my motions. Hearing footsteps coming towards me. I stilled, buried my head on the pillow and closed my eyes. I knew who it was who entered the room, and true enough i felt a hand grasp the comforter at the top of my head and peeled it from covering my body.

"Wake up sleepy head!" Britt told me as she saw me and flashed me a grin showing all those pearly whites.

I groaned and opened my eyes slowly. I felt the bright light penetrating my orbs. Perhaps due to lack of sleep, the light was blinding. I turned my head to the side to avoid the brightness from directly hitting my eyes. There i saw Britt, with that grin. Through half opened lids, with a hoarse morning voice i greeted her. "Good Mornin'"

She bent down and moved her face close to mine. She placed a soft kiss on the tip of my nose and greeted me with the same "Good Morning Babe!"

My wife's energy was contagious. In that instant, i felt the thoughts that bothered me slowly fade away leaving my mind blank. Britt dropped the comforter on the foot of the bed. She stretched her arm and reached for both my hands. "C'mon! Up you go!" I let myself be pulled up from the bed but not without a groan feigning resistance.

My feet were fully rooted on the floor however my head still lazily fell sideways. Britt looked at me adoringly, rubbing the sides of my arms. "I hate to wake you up looking so cute and all, but we do have to go see your dad early at the hospital." She was talking to me like she was talking to a child, carefully explaining why she needs to be punished or something. I lift my eyes to glare at her. She just gave me the toothy grin. "So go get ready now!" She moved me sideways, lightly slapped my butt, pushing me towards the bathroom.

The drive to the hospital was quiet. My eyes were focused on the road while Britt blissfully stared out the window. Even if i don't look at her, i can feel her smiling to the row of trees we passed along. Seeing the familiar places, i know she feels happy being here. But the reason for her bliss was not only the fact that we were home, but also the anticipation of what we have decided to do.

We arrived at the hospital walking hand in hand. After we got out of the car, Britt ran to my side and held my hand in hers, swinging our hands back and forth. I can feel her excitement but i can't feel it for myself. She doesn't have to know that, I did not want to break her heart. But i can't help but feel that if we had just done this earlier maybe i wouldn't feel this way, i wouldn't be this person.

After inquiring at the lobby where my father would be at this time, we were directed to his clinic instead. We walked through the hallways and passed by the nursery. Britt stopped walking. She turned to the glassed window and smiled while viewing the newborns, some were yawing, others were sleeping and a few others were crying. She gestured to one of the babies and scrunched her face, making faces at the little ones while i stood beside her. She turned to me and smiled.

"i'm so excited San, we're soon gonna have one of our own." She sighed. I smiled at her but said nothing. She held my hand and we started walking again.

We were sitting there for almost 15 minutes waiting for Papa. We were told that he was just doing his rounds and will be back soon. Britt was looking at these medical journals while i sat there staring at the door.

I've always been close to both my parents. Every opportunity i get to see them i grabbed it. Since college when i've gotten a taste of independent living and even during those times, embarrassingly so, i did miss them. Now i was afraid to see Papa. Right now, especially that this time, Britt was with me. My father has a very keen eye for changes. He is very sensitive to feelings. Although i am very good at hiding it, or masking it with a different one, because certainly i was expected to do that, I'm not quite sure if my skills would encompass that of my father's. Its true, its not like its the first time i'm gonna be seeing him in years. But it was easier to do it when it's just me, considering that it is the first time he's gonna see Britt in years. This time its me and Britt together. He most definitely will notice any uneasiness if i act it out whether consciously or unconsciously.

I have to figure out a way to avoid my father's inquiries just in case. I looked at Britt who was still busy scanning the pages of those journals. 'What to do... What to do'. I settled for doing just exactly what Britt was doing while we wait.

After a few minutes, someone came bursting inside the clinic. My Papa, Jorge Lopez. Director of Lima Memorial Hospital. I looked at him. I was alarmed by his sudden arrival. 'Pick up pick up before he notices your acting weird'

"Dios mio Papa! you scared me!" I exclaimed while holding and pressing my palm to my chest.

"Relax Mi Hija! You knew i was coming in here, its my office." He told me with a confused look. 'already Lopez, blowing cover, or was there even any?' "Just get up and give your old man a hug! ¡Rápidamente! "

His arms were spread awaiting my embrace. 'Papa is the coolest' I stood up and encircled him in a tight hug. The warmth of my father's embrace, my comfort zone. So much so thats the reason he can easily read through me.

My father pulled away and eyed Britt who was looking straight back at him with a smirk on her face. Papa's head was tilted to the side his smile unfading.

"Santana, Mi Hija, ¿Quién es esta mujer hermosa?" Papa asked feigning a confused look with Britt still looking at him holding back a laugh. I looked at her affectionately. My father knew that Britt, still after all these, has not learned the language.

"George! I missed you!" Britt stood up and walk towards Papa to give him a hug. Up to now she called him George, and spelled his name that way. I guess she will never get used to the fact that Papa's actual name is Jorge, pronounced as Jor^ge^. But i know she loves the language. She loves hearing it spoken to her.

"C'mere you beatiful lady!" Papa hugged her back tightly. Then he looked at me and said "Can we keep her? I promise I won't tell Brittany." I let out a small laugh, I had to. 'how can Papa actually joke about something like that'. Britt pulled away from the hug and faced Papa narrowing her eyes.

"You really like teasing me do you?" She said.

"Its because you get prettier everytime i see you." Papa responded lowering his head so he was eye level to Britt. "Makes me wonder why you settled for this one" He whispered while glancing to my side, pointing to me.

"Hey! Hey!" i retorted while raising my chin and squinting an eye.

Papa laughed and so did Britt. She glanced at me, pulled me by the waist and circled her arms around it, her hands locking atop my abdomen. She rested her chin on my shoulder and then looked back to Papa "I guess you Lopez-s are just hard to resist." With that she squeezed me, tightly this time.

After the chit-chatting was done. Papa invited us to his desk.

"So, on a serious note to what do i owe this pleasure of your visit.?" He moved a bit forward from where he was still seated and made his elbows rest on the desk. 'this is the opportunity i've been waiting for Papa not to notice i was hesitant about this'. But before i was able to speak, Britt spoke.

"Actually, we wanted to ask for your help" She moved a lil forward from her seat. 'i had no choice i mimicked her action to show my eagerness as well it was the least i could do to look like i was actually interested.

"Go ahead i'm listening." He uttered in an inviting voice.

"We " Britt looked at me. "We have decided to have a baby" There it was again. Everytime i hear it i suddenly become uneasy. Thankfully Papa has his eyes on Britt.

"Finally! It's about time, it been 5 long years you've been married. Who's gonna carry it?" Papa asked. This is my chance. Beating Britt to it i spoke immediately.

"Britt will. She will be the one to carry the baby" I told him. "We went to you to make sure, that it will go as safely and smoothly as possible" I continued. He looked at me and then to Britt.

"How long do you plan to stay here?" he asked.

"for this? Three weeks George. Would that be enough at least for the process?" Britt curiously asked.

"We should get you ready then." Papa told Britt. Then he looked at me. "and don't worry Mi Hija, I'll make sure the donors would be the finest ones." He added. Thankfully he thought of a different reason. But i know he always knows and always feels if something does bother me.

Papa took us to Dr. Carnegie, an OB-Gyne, and a woman and married. Those qualifications i specifically asked Papa to find, i don't want any man or woman to be taking advantage of Britt in the guise of professional duties. She oriented us of the different methods on how to conceive.

Among these, we chose the easiest and most convenient one, something that should have a result within the three weeks that we are to be here, we chose IUI. The procedure didn't seem as complicated as the others. Britt will be required to undergo examinations for the next couple of days, so they may know if the donors that would be available will be able to match her temperature and the acidity, and which ones her body wouldn't kill the instant it is injected into her. We were then scheduled to be back tomorrow to start with the tests.

The meeting was over. However we didn't realize how long it took until we were out of Dr. Carnegie's clinic and saw that it was almost sunset. We decided to drop by Papa's office to let him know we were done with the meeting and that we were heading home.

When we entered, we saw him scanning pages of paper works. His face was serious and his mustache was almost reaching the tip of his nose.

"Papa! We're done, I'll guess we'll just see you around for the next couple of weeks we'll be here". I called out to him from the door, with my thumb pointing to my back

He lifted his gaze and looked at me. "No, no, no, ¡espera!" Holding up his hand to us. "Please take a seat, this won't take long." Britt and I then walked near his desk and sat on the couch. If I didn't know any better, i would have had the same look as Britt does. She seems confused by Papa's change of demeanor. She couldn't speak like how she did earlier. She became tensed, holding unto my arm much tighter than before we were asked to sit.

"Papa!" I called his attention. He looked up at me.

"You're scaring Britt.." I added. He looked at Britt and gave her his warmest smile.

Pointing to the papers. "Just busy pretty lady." Then pointing to his head "gives me a headache".

Britt finally relaxed and smiled. While glancing to my side, I gave her a reassuring nod. Her reaction to him just now was like the first time she met him.

-0-

"_Come on Britt you can almost reach it." I told her anxiously. As i hold the stool in place where she was tiptoeing to reach the top shelf where Papa has placed the Vodka bottle._

"_I still can't seem to reach it, my middle finger can't barely touch it" She said with constraint perhaps due to her stressful stance._

"_Just flick your finger on its side, We can't go to Quinn's unless we have that" I reminded her. It was our first sleepover with Quinn and she specifically said that we should bring something since we're her guests and as some sort of courteous gesture we should bring her something._

"_Wait wait, here it is " She said. As she was about to tap the bottle closer to her hand the door of the den swung open._

_It was Papa. He glared at us and our present seeing who just entered, Britt's hand involuntarily tapped the bottle harder than it should have been tapped. The bottle fell and its contents spilled on the floor._

_I sent Papa a nervous toothy grin, while pulling Britt's other hand somehow telling her to step down the stool, but i felt her hand, it was cold. I looked up to see Britt looking like a deer in the headlights, staring straight back to Papa._

_She was oblivious to my actions. No matter how i tugged on her hand she wouldn't move. Until she heard Papa speak, asking her to go down and for us to come near him. I had to drag her to move. Just as Papa was about to ask what we were doing. Britt looped her arms to mine tightly and begun to sob small cries._

_-O-_

Papa rose from his seat and dropped the last of the paper he was holding.

"What do you say we head out to dinner?" he invitingly said with a grin.

We walked out of the hospital. Papa got into his car and so did Britt and I. The drive to dinner was quiet for me and Britt.

"It might be sad for him driving by himself" Britt uttered while looking at me sideways and it broke the silence.

"i'm not really sure, he's always been optimistic." I told her with my eyes focused in front staring at Papa's car.

"Yeah, but it's still different San, especially when you know somebody is supposed to be beside you. Like you and I" She shifted her gaze to Papa's car then back to me as she said the last words.

"Things happened Britt, we can't help it." I told her dismissively not wanting to continue with the topic of the conversation. Thankfully we have arrived at our destination. Breadstix.

We entered the restaurant and took a booth. I sat across Papa with Britt right beside me. She excused herself to go to the bathroom. A waiter approached us and took our orders. Britt hasn't returned, nevertheless I ordered her favorite spaghetti and meatballs, one of the things which will never leave my memory, ever. The waiter left us and told us our food will soon be served. Just in time Britt was now approaching us.

She slid next to me. I turned to her. "Babe I ordered your favorite, since you haven't returned." I said pointing to the waiter. "But we could still order something else if-"

She cut me off with a peck on my lips. "Couldn't have been better babe" then she smiled at me then to Papa.

"You two are just too sweet." He looked at us adoringly. "Makes me miss your Mama so bad". This time his smile turned bitter and he looked at me. I gave him a reassuring smile. I wanted to tell him everything's okay.

"Oh George I'm sorry... I really am for not being here." Britt apologized and then pouted at Papa with pity in her eyes.

"It's okay pretty lady. There was really nothing we could do, even I" Papa said tilting his head to the side.

"But I still wish I could have been here for you and San" Britt voiced out with regret. 'yeah why weren't you' These are things which I learned to push at the back of my mind. To prevent the hurt Britt brought me from surfacing.

"You are, you're family you'll always be with us present physically or not." Papa placed his hand on top of Britt's, reassuring her that he did not have ill feelings towards her absence during that time. But I remained silent. I did not share the same sentiment.

"Besides, that's what i like to think about, that she's just somewhere travelling, enjoying herself." Papa's eyes somehow drifted to his imagination. But there was peacefulness in his eyes.

"But how are you coping George?" Britt was now holding Papa's hand.

"Oh I've been better, its been a couple of years, but I still bring her things on occasions" Papa beamed while he thought of those things. His last birthday we went to mom and brought all her favorite foods and played her favorite songs and we just laid down on the grass beside her grave all afternoon talking to her 'til it got dark.

I cut in and held Papa's other hand "I've always told you, you're allowed to date, I wouldn't be mad" I reminded him.

"I know" he said pursing his lips.

"But you know Mija, I believe a person only has one great love. Perhaps you would love another after that person but it wouldn't be the same." He continued, shifting his gaze from me to Britt.

"She's the one I chose, long before, and that choice would always remain to be the best, its like, for me no other options exist anymore." He says it with conviction.

"Not just because she's gone she ceased to be that, I've given her my heart and it had remained that way. I'd rather not hurt a person by giving her the time of day but not my heart, since it's not mine to give." He continued.

He raised his hand and showed his ring. "It's tied to this, tightly, and I'm not complaining."

He twitched the tip of our noses alternately with his index finger. As he continued to tell us. "As to you two, I'm happy that you found that in each other, it's rare." He said nodding.

Whatever face i had right now, i must keep it. Whatever chills I'm feeling should be buried. A change of anything at this point would be noticeable to my father. I was surprised when i felt my right hand being pulled away to the side. Britt was moving it closer to her and placed a soft kiss on my knuckles. As her eyes closed with the kiss, I glanced at her. I leaned to her side and closed my eyes.

We just opened our eyes when we heard Papa say "The food's here!"


	10. Book1: Chapter 10: Special Two

Book One: Otherwise Cuffed To You

_Chapter 10: Special Two_

Days passed after our first meeting with Dr. Carnegie. Examinations were conducted on Britt's body condition in preparation for the upcoming procedure. Since we were set on getting this done in a shorter time than usual and due to our close ties with the people in the hospital almost all the essentials needed for the process were ready for the procedure on Sunday.

Papa called us on Thursday to let us know that he has the donors whom he has examined and from whom he would collect the specimen. Today he asked us to come see him at the hospital to consult us regarding the donors and the possibility of utilizing them all or settle for just one.

As soon as Papa hung up, I went upstairs to tell Britt that we needed to go to the hospital immediately.

I peeped through the door frame and saw her looking at herself in the mirror, her back facing me. She then squatted. She pulled the chair from the dresser and I tilted my head a bit to the side and saw a stuff duck's head hanging just below Britt's torso. I became curious, but i continued to watch her in silence, not wanting to let her know i was there. She sat on the chair and she held her hands in a fist as if gripping the steering wheel to drive. While at it, she launched herself forward to her grip then pulled away again. She then stood and slowly split her legs pushing herself down to the floor then she pulled herself up again. I waited, perhaps soon enough she'll turn to face me. She did. I saw her and finally realized what she was doing. She looked at me and smiled. It was moments like this that i remember why it was easy to be around Britt, it was moments like this which I actually miss. I let out a breathy laugh while shaking my head.

"B, what are you doing?" i asked her while I lightly scratch the back of my head and narrowing my eyes.

She lightly rub the top of her belly and proudly said "I'm just seeing what it would be like doing the things i usually do when it comes and how i would look like with it." and then she smiled turning around again in front of the mirror. The stuff duck still tucked under her top and head hanging just below almost as if it was about to fall. Then she came to a halt, turned her head and looked at me over her shoulder. "What did you just call me?"

I panicked, why was she asking me this. I looked at the ceiling and tried to remember. I actually can't remember. 'Did i just call her by another woman's name? Oh sh*t! No! NO!No! I certainly hope not.'

So i gave her the most probable answer. "Britt, i said Britt, didn't I ? or Babe?" I told her, it was more of a question than an answer. 'It had to be that I can't slip like that'

She pulled the stuffed duck out from under her top and dumped it on the bed. She walked towards me. Her face was expressionless. I really didn't know what to do so i continued to stare at the ceiling still feigning confusion. Mimicking someone who was thinking. 'What could i possibly say? Did i really slip? F*ck! I'll just deny it'.

When she was finally in front of me, she raised her hands. At that moment i thought she was gonna shove me. She didn't. Relief came when her hands cupped my cheeks, allowing my gaze to drop from the ceiling to level hers instead. I can feel her breath so close to my lips. She stared at me. Her ocean blue eyes staring back to my chocolate brown ones. I closed my eyes, blinking a couple of times to avoid her gaze.

I haven't looked into Britt's eyes directly like that and that close, in God knows how long. She might be able to see beyond what she's allowed too. I'm afraid she'll break those shields I've guarded it with. I felt as she pinched both my cheeks giggling and squinting her eyes. I allowed mine to open.

"Silly you! You called me B." She scrunched one side of her face a bit as she said it. "You haven't called me that since highschool" she added. As she let her left hand drop, she placed a soft peck on my right cheek. She continued to say "I actually missed it. The young you, young me, the young us.". I let my eyes open fully this time, as she rub my other cheek with her thumb.

I placed my left hand on top of hers that was still on my cheek. I gave her a half smile. I felt my eyes close again, letting the words escape my lips "Me too." Before i even realized the side of my face was slowly leaning to our hands atop each other . The feel of her hand was soothing. I mentally snapped back. I opened my eyes again and pulled my hand away. I held her wrist and took it from my cheek.

"We have to go Babe, Papa wants us at the hospital, it's urgent. I'll just wait for you downstairs." She nodded.

I didn't even wait until she said something. I hurriedly turned my back to her and went down the steps to the living room. Whatever just happened I wasn't sure. I was shaken by what just took place.

We made our way to the hospital. The drive was supposed to be short but it felt like its taking forever due to the overwhelming silence. I can feel Britt's eyes on me the whole time. I didn't know if it was just my paranoia or something else.

To ease what seemed to be a tensed atmosphere, I impulsively grabbed Britt's hand that was resting on her lap, interlaced my fingers with hers, letting it rest on her thigh. 'Damn does it still fit perfectly between those spaces'. I glanced at her briefly and smiled before I turned to focus on the road again.

Finally we arrived at the hospital. I pulled my hand from Britt and got out and she did the same. We met right in front of the car. My hand felt empty. The sensation of her fingers lingered on mine. I grabbed her hand again, this time before i can move my fingers, Britt's fingers snaked in filling the empty spaces between mine.

We walk slowly in comfortable silence. We didn't stop at the lobby since we knew where to go. We made our way to Papa's office. We passed by the hospital nursery again. We didn't stop though, we just continued walking. I glanced over to the wide glass window. My eyes landed on the cutest blonde baby. I didn't know if it was a boy or a girl. Just as we went pass by it, the baby yawned. The peaceful innocence made me smile. I felt my heart skipped a beat. 'why?' How I felt about this just might change, or has it, I wasn't sure. I felt my hand being squeezed, I turned my head to the side and saw Britt smile at me softly. It was not the usual energetic smile, it was...just...just serene, almost surreal. There was something in that smile and the gaze that came with it. I couldn't just pinpoint what it was, it was different.

We reached Papa's clinic and the chimes sounded as I swung the door open. Papa's face lit up as he saw us enter.

"Mi Hija! Pretty Lady! Take a seat." He gestured with his hand inviting us in and pointed to the seat in front of his desk.

"So i have here a good number of donors and all are with the specific qualifications you particularly asked for Pretty lady" Papa verbalized while tapping his fingers on his desk then looking at Britt.

"Yay! Thanks George" Britt pulled away her hand that was holding mine and clapped. 'does she really need to? Adorable nonetheless' then tilted her head and winked at Papa. I was confused what those specific qualifications were.

"And may I know what those are? I mean if you don't mind telling me." I sarcastically butted in. How come I didn't know about it?

"Ah Mi Hija, you're rest assured the baby would definitely be Pierce-Lopez" Papa nodded while he told me this. I was taken aback. I just hope it wasn't what i was thinking. I narrowed my eyes at Papa and shifted my gaze to Britt who is now sporting a grin.

"No! no! Mi Hija not me! If that's what you're thinking." Papa wiggled his hand in front of me. "I just got a little reunion with a few relatives." He was smiling.

"And it isn't any better... Can you be more awkward? What did you tell them?" I questioned with disbelief.

"It wouldn't be. They don't know anything. I'm not stupid Santana." Papa was now pointing a finger at me.

"I'm sorry Papa... Its just... its just that I didn't know anything about this, you didn't tell me." I said with regret that i snapped at Papa but still stern while i look at both of them. "Who is it then...?" I asked, at least that i guess i should know.

"You're not supposed to know that, besides you came to me, you can be sure these donors are all certifiably qualified and healthy." Papa added. Britt looked at me with pleading eyes. I avoided her gaze, but i did glance for a bit.

"Fine. I just wish you could have told me about your little plan." I drew small circles with my index finger while looking at both of them.

"and have you react like this? and i don't even know why you're so upset with the idea... would you rather have a stranger as your donor?" Papa looked at me questioningly.

"Yeah San, I just really wanted a part you and a part of me equally in that baby even if I'll be the one to carry it." Britt explained while rubbing her thumb against my cheek which her hand had cupped previously.

"Fine, but either way, relative or no relative, just so you both know, the baby would still be Pierce-Lopez" I rolled my eyes while facing them. "It's mine, ours. Papa just make sure they won't go after the it" I Looked at Britt half smiling and then to Papa with worry.

"Mi hija, ¡Escuchame!" Papa took me by the chin and directed my face to look at him. "They don't even know who's going to use their specimen." His eyes widened while telling me this.

We drove home immediately after the meeting with Papa. He said the specimen will be collected either today or tomorrow and will still have to undergo sperm washing. Hopefully the specimen will be amenable to be mixed so when it is injected to Britt we wouldn't really be able to identify which one was responsible for the conception.

We were driving in silence. Perhaps it was a bit too much for Britt and she decided to suddenly blurt out something.

"What would you like for dinner babe?" She turned her body to face me while I remain focused on the road.

Laura wasn't home. She left yesterday to attend a conference in Chicago for the next couple of days and will be back Wednesday. Thomas on the other hand, left the day after the night we had the "talk". He had a business trip with some Asian investors and will be gone for a week. I felt relieved that he wasn't gonna be around for the most part of our stay. How i wish it was longer than a week. So Britt and I had the Pierce's home all to ourselves. Much to our dismay though, Laura's amazing cooking won't be around too.

"Anything would be fine, we can just order in anyways." I told her while i shrugged. It wasn't a big deal, I'll be fine with whatever would be available. I don't even know why she would have to ask.

"I don't wanna order in, I wanna cook for you." Britt responded cocking her head to the side, smiling and feeling giddy and all.

"So you're domesticated now?" It slipped my mouth. I'm not sure what came upon me. I guess it was suppose to be a joke. But i felt that came out just wrong, because she was sweet and it would actually be a nice gesture, it didn't happen as often.

Britt's smile faded and her gaze fell. I felt i had to do something. Say something. Considering how weird i was acting all morning and this afternoon. 'C'mon Lopez you can't pick fights...not now'

I reached out for her hand and held it in mine. "Babe, truth is, i don't have an idea what i want so... surprise me?" I squinted my eyes a bit, gave her a wide expectant grin.

She let out a shy smile and slowly lift her gaze to me. I took her hand to my lips and kissed the back of it.

The next morning i woke up feeling light. I guess i slept peacefully and with a full stomach. To my surprise, the chicken caserole Britt prepared was actually good. My wife wasn't the best cook. I've had better meals. But last night's dinner was amazing.

I've always been a better cook than Britt. Too bad for the most part of our married life, i've had the chance to cook good food for one and one person only, myself, and be the one to eat it too, alone. When she's home, which is not often though, I cook for her, but most of the time we just order in. That's why i was surprised last night.

As i opened my eyes and slowly rose from bed. I scanned the room looking for Britt. Seeing that she was not in the room, I put on my robe and made my way downstairs. As i eye the surroundings still looking for her, I smelled the aroma of breakfast. Pancakes and bacon. I made my way to the kitchen found her by the stove.

It made me wonder, she might just be taking this domesticated wife role seriously. 'nah... suck it. not gonna happen' She was then flipping a pancake over the pan. I walked over to the side counter, placed my elbow on top of it and rest my chin on my palm as i watch her. I was quite sure she hasn't seen me walk towards her until she spoke.

"i didn't think you'll be up this early" then she turned to face me. "this will be ready in a bit" she smiled and turned to the stove again.

I furrowed my brows at her." You're really taking this to heart huh?"

"i do what i can" she said, her back still turned to me.

"dinner was great by the way." I added. She still hasn't faced me again.

"i'm glad you like it" she said in a humble yet joyous voice.

"i did. But don't overdo it." I retorted.

"why?" her voiced laced with concern.

"i might get use to it" With that, I walked away.

Halfway to the dining area, i heard her call out to me. "San...?"

I didn't turn back but I answered. "yeah?"

"You should." Her voice was reassuring. I couldn't help it, but a smile crept on to my face. 'I'm weak like that'

I went upstairs and took a shower. Immediately after, i went back down. The table was set and Britt was already seated awaiting my return. I sat myself beside her and grinned at her. She pushed a cup of freshly brewed coffee in front of me. I took a sip and gave her a nod of approval. She gave me a half smile and a cocky nod back. I had my eyes on the plate, concentrated on cutting the pancakes into small bites.

"San..." i heard her say.

I was about to shot her a look of annoyance to let her know she was unnecessarily causing an unwanted interruption since I'm trying to have a peaceful meal and was not in the mood for small talks. As i lift my eyes i saw her smiling sheepishly, holding out a piece of pancake on her fork right in front of me. I reached my hand out to take the fork from her but she pulled it back. I gave her a questioning look. She continued to give me that stare and wiggled the fork her fingers were holding. We continued to stare at each other as she occasionally push the fork towards my mouth teasingly, attempting to feed me. 'I'm liking this, I'll play hard to get'.

I bit my lips inwardly and shook my head sideways. She paused, letting the fork hung in the air while she loosely held it. Her smile faded and she dropped her gaze. 'i know what's gonna come after that'. Before she can give me the pout, I launched forward and engulfed the pancake with my mouth. She almost immediately lift her head and flashed me a sweet satisfied smile. Just as she was about to pull back the fork from my mouth, I bit it hard, not wanting to let it go and continue this flirtatious banters. Although the feel of the metal against my teeth was stinging, I was determined to win this tug of war. But my effort became futile as the pull of my teeth was getting intense, Britt let go of the fork, causing my head to be thrown backwards. Britt covered her mouth with her palm, but she instantly moved forward across the table and cupped both my cheeks, as she agitatedly said. "I'm sorry Babe" giving me an apologetic look.

I pulled myself to sit up straight again, took the fork from my mouth and placed it down on her plate.. "it's okay" I told her without looking. I went back to cutting the pancakes. Then we again sat in silence and ate our breakfast.

Here we are driving our way to the hospital for the procedure. I couldn't quite comprehend how i feel. 'I feel nervous yeah'. Eventhough its not actually me who'll undergo that. The miracle procedure. The sign i'm waiting for which is gonna turn this marriage around. If the baby happens I guess this will happen. Everything will be back in its place. It's true I cannot fix everything in an instant but it's a start. If and when the baby comes, my Britt-Britt will be here. Well she's here beside me now, but for good i hope. A few more minutes and will be in the hospital.

Papa said the needed specimen have been washed and prepared. All that have remained we're the healthy viable ones. Dr. Carnegie said that Britt's body is in perfect condition and that we have very good timing since she's ovulating and that there is more chance for her to conceive. It's a good thing that Papa's a doctor so at least i have the slightest idea of these medical terms they're using.

Laura even called this morning. She's pretty excited about it. Telling Britt this myths of IUI like she has to remain lying down after it at least for a couple of hours since the injected specimen might fall out. She even said that we have to abstain from having sex after it as to not impede the process. 'i would have to ask Dr. Carnegie about that.'

We sat in Dr. Carnegie's clinic for a couple minutes before they called Britt in. I was asked to wait here instead. Britt actually insisted that i come with her but our kind doctor reassured her that I'll be following in a few after they have her prepared and i can watch how it's done. I told her i would be there as soon as they tell me i could go in. With that, she gave me a sweet peck on the lips and went inside.

As i wait for myself to be told what to do. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I pulled it out. Seeing who it was, i cursed under my breath. 'F*ck! i forgot to text her, now i'll be bombarded with questions'. I contemplated whether to answer the call or not. I eventually decided to go with the former.

"Hey Ash..." I answered in my most mellowed tired sounding voice. It always does the job.

"Is she there?" She asked cautiously. You've got to hand it to Ashley to always know where she stands in this situation. Amidst the fights, demands, and hurt, she doesn't forget what we exactly are and that there is someone who has a better right over me. That's why she's different. That's why we lasted longer than any other before her.

"Yeah..." I have to lie so whatever this is about she'll be tamed down. "But when i saw it was you i moved away to take your call". Make her feel important, that it was compromising but you made a way for her. "So... what's up my lady?". Call her sweet names, she'll be nicer. Make her feel you're happy to hear her voice.

"Where are you...?" Her voice is not feisty, it sounded more of worry

"Back home..." I responded with a not so excited voice. Mask the excitement. This is going so well. You have to make her feel like you were compelled to be here, that you actually regret not calling her or texting her.

"Why are you there...? She still sounded like a baby.

"You know why..." Don't have to give details. There's no need for that.

"They said you'll be there for three weeks?" She added. You can hear her disappointment.

"Yeah, did you get my notes on the cases? Can you handle those while I'm here...? Revert the topic if you must, if it would be easier. Make her feel you're concerned about her.

"Yes I can, but can we not talk about that right now...?" It sounded like a plea to me to focus on us instead of things which are unnecessary. "Why didn't you tell me you were leaving...?". I didn't have an excuse for that. She's being too nice. I can't just tell her I forgot. 'got to think of something'. As I was figuring out what to say, the nurse came out and summoned me to go in. Perfect.

"hey...I've got to go, I'll call you as soon as I can okay?" I told her giving out an urgency in my voice.

"promise?" she asked.

"I promise. I miss you..." in my sweetest voice reassuring her of my promise.

"i miss you too." with her last remark I hung up and immediately went in.

I'm glad that was over. As soon as I hung up the phone, I Immediately went into Dr. Carnegie's clinic. I was ushered by the nurse to the room where the procedure is to be done. When I opened the door to the room, I was welcomed with the sight of Britt lying on a hospital bed reclining and with each leg on top of a metal holder parted. I went to her side.

"how are you feeling babe?" I asked her while as I gently stroked her hair.

"I'm nervous. What took you so long?" she cooed to me rubbing the side of her head against my hand which was stroking her hair.

"Ashley called". 'truth'. "She was asking about the cases that are due this coming week". 'lie'.

"Are you needed there? Can she handle it?" she asked her voice sounded concerned

"Yeah, I told her it was all there in the files and not to disturb me with work while I'm with you" 'Schmoozing is it? Nah. Lying'

"Good!" She said with a confident smirk. If I didn't know any better that smirk would have been bitchy but I guess Britt's just being happy that this would not be cut short because it can't be. I placed a soft kiss on her forehead. At about the same time Dr. Carnegie entered the room.

"Good! Wifey's here". the jolly doctor blurted out.

"Yup just got in doc, had to answer a business call". 'lie again' "So...What's up?" I continued to ask her.

"Did you do it last night?" she inquired.

I looked at Britt confused and she had the same look."What doc?". I asked

"Did you have sex...?" Now she blatantly asked, nodding her head.

"Not that we know of. But is that bad?" I can't help but ask, the blatant questioning was worrying me.

"I was just asking, because that would have helped to stimulate her for this." she stood up and pointed to nothing in particular. We let out a sigh of relief.

"So I'll give you a few minutes to do just that." she added and went on to walk towards the door.

"What?". I blurted out while my eyes widened in surprise.

"You heard me. Do it. It will help" After the doctor said it, she was out the door. A few seconds and she peeped through the door again "Just press the button when you're done" she grinned then she shut the door close. I looked at Britt confused. She was looking back at me smiling widely.

"Is she for real? Somebody might just burst in here" I told her. I was hesitant.

"Babe... stop worrying, i think this is the first time somebody actually told us to do it, besides ourselves, and our first time in a hospital." she told me with excitement. This is just odd.

"Don't get me wrong I wantz to getz my mack on, but, this just feels weird." I told Britt to which she let out a laugh.

"I love it when you talk like that, reminds me more of my Santana" Britt said through soft laughs. It puzzled me but I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything wrong, not right now. So I chose to ignore it. Perhaps it was just Britt being sweet. I had to focus on the task at hand.

"So babe how do I do this?" I asked her. " I mean what do you think would arouse you better...faster?" I clarified.

"Babe... you should know better" she told me in a confused voice, somehow like telling me I shouldn't be asking. So I decided to do what would best arouse her but wouldn't affect me so much as to having a great access to her body and something that would compromise her already well positioned body. I went down on her.

I approached the insides of Britt's thighs. Upon reaching the desired destination I stuck my tongue out and started caressing Britt with it. I slowly flick through her to make sure that she would be stimulated progressively. I was set not to get carried away so to prevent acting upon my own. But upon hearing Britt's voice I was distracted.

"San...you're so good.." she said through soft moans I can sense her breathing getting heavier. I pulled away from her and rise to stand upright. She growled at the lost of contact. I wiped my mouth and looked at her then spoke.

"Babe you're not making this easy... Please stop making those sounds!" I stubbornly told her.

She smiled and continued to say "I can't help it, but fine I'll try...Just finish it" commandingly she pointed to me and then to just below her I resumed to my previous position and went about my ministrations. As soon as I felt Britt tense and gasped I knew it was done. We pressed the button. Dr. Carnegie then went bursting in. "okay we're ready!" and put her hands together.

I took my place beside Britt. She looked upward to me, she extended her hand and reached for my lips and wiped the side of it. Then she smiled. I again ran my arms across my mouth to finally wipe it clean just in case. I then held her hand in mine. After a few minutes the nurse brought in the specimen and the device with a catheter was filled with it. It didn't take long before Dr. Carnegie bent down in front of Britt with the syringe like device. We can't actually see what was being done. But Britt gasped, that was perhaps when the catheter was being inserted through her cervix. I asked her if she was ok and she gave a positive response.

A few more minutes and Dr. Carnegie was up on her feet. She told us that Britt should go back if ever she feels any cramps or so. But nonetheless such things are normal and it shouldn't scare us. We asked her, actually I asked her, if we are supposed to avoid certain activities which might prejudice the conception. She said we can go about our usual day to day, eyed us and then stifled a laugh. She also said we would check if the procedure actually worked within two to three weeks.

That'll probably work, that's exactly the span of time we had allotted to stay here.

But again we're just trying nothing sure of just yet.

A week passed from the day the procedure was done. The days of the week was packed with well cooked dinners and breakfast especially prepared by my wife. That was until Laura arrived. And since then I slowly got used to waking up and sleeping with Britt beside me. I felt my apprehensions and fears slowly going away as we near the day we will know if we would actually be a family. I found myself day by day letting Britt in again. I felt myself adjusting to the upcoming new set up. Slowly forgetting how I've lived in the past five years she wasn't here. Changing everything from my guarded actions towards her to the feelings I've kept. I felt it slowly going away. This wasn't like any other time she came home. Perhaps, it's because we are surrounded by the things we had loved, we had known. These things which has cradled us and molded us into the people we were when we fell in love with each other.

I've taken Britt to my mother's grave as she has requested me. I let her mourn for the loss of a second mother she has lost without asking for an explanation why she didn't come home. I knew she wanted to be here and that the hurt I've felt for my mother's loss she has felt it too. A fact i've always ignored because I was too hurt to recognize.

We went to places in Lima both the familiar places and those secluded ones which we have never explored before or those which we didn't take the time to see. We took the walks we have taken before, McKinley, the parks where we used to feed the ducks she has adored very much. One afternoon I took her to the hilltop where I've spent my night one summer day before senior year. That day I decided to get away from Lima after I've felt that coming out in this town and being accepted for it was not of the greatest possibility and I wanted to spend my life with Britt away from the judging eyes of the people in Lima.

However she didn't go with me. It was rejection, I felt Britt, perhaps, contrary to her previous declarations was not ready to go against the world called this town with me. I was determined to leave the town but I can't do it without Britt. After she told me she wasn't going, I decided against my first plan and instead spent my night on that hilltop contemplating what i want or at least what i have to do. I went back to Britt's house the morning after and told her that I could accept just being her best friend just so long that I do not lose her.

It was a lazy Sunday and after I have finished the book I was reading, and since we didn't have anything planned, I did what I usually do. I went around the Pierce's home. Wandering around the house, I decided to go outside and play on the swing while Britt was still napping in our room. On my way outside the house I passed along the secluded room which I haven't entered into since we got here. Inside I found the old baby grand piano, I realized it was Britt's old dance room.

I remember the last time we were here. It was that day we became official. The day I returned from my one day retreat to the hilltop. I sang Britt a song which I thought would fit us perfectly whether we were together or not. The moment I heard it I knew it was for us. I was an emotional mess back then. I knew I loved Britt but can't actually face my fear of being hated, of being discriminated and Britt being confused as she was due to my uncertainty I made her afraid to invest into that relationship until I was sure.

Hence, she rejected my offer to go away. That day I was determined to keep Britt in any way possible even if her rejection of what I truly felt would break my heart. That day she told me how she really felt and that if we are gonna face this struggle we won't leave this town. We'll face it here together. That was the day we became official. Soon after that I came out to my parents and then Britt to hers. Everything happened exactly how Britt has told me it would. We fought it here and gained the acceptance.

As the memories of that day flashed through my mind I found myself seated by the baby grand with fingers treading it's keys. I heard the door to the dance room open. In all her simplicity, I saw Britt enter the room. She smiled at the sight of me by the baby grand and then she walked towards me and leaned against it.

"Do you remember it San? That day?". She asked me with a voice of content.

"I will never forget" I told her.

"Sing it to me again". She requested.

"I'm not quite sure if I still know how to play it." I hesitantly told her

"Please? I'm sure you'd find it within you". She told me confidently.

With that I started to tap the keys for the first notes of the song...

_I've hardly been outside my room in days  
'Cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays  
And darkness helped until the whiskey wore away  
And it was then I realized that conscience never fades._

I felt the words seeping through the veins of my body. This is exactly how it felt back then, only now it was for a different reason.

_When you're young you have this image of your life  
That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife  
And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross  
And if you happen to, you wake completely lost  
But I will fight for you, be sure that I will fight 'til we're the special two once again_

I felt untrue to the last words as it escaped my mouth. Some time before this, I stopped fighting.

_And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together  
Our hands will not be torn to hold another's  
'Cause we're the special two  
And we could only see each other, we'll breathe together  
These arms will not be torn to need another  
'Cause we're the special two_

I felt the guilt surge within me. I coped with her absence by learning to be with other people. I broke my promise because it was not only in her that i saw that need. I cannot deny it to myself. I betrayed her.  
_  
I remember someone old once said to me  
That lies will lock you up with truth the only key  
But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell  
And couldn't see this place could soon become my hell  
So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face?  
Well I guess the answer is, don't do it in the first place  
I know I'm not deserving of your trust from you right now,  
Ah, but if by chance you change your mind  
You know I will not let you down  
'Cause we were the special two, and we'll be again_

I knew it. It would take more than the past few days. I have placed the cracks surrounding it and even if i wanted to i cannot erase it. But i wanted to, so bad to erase it. I don't deserve her now. But I want all of it to just go away.

_And we will only need each other, we'll breathe together  
Our hands will not be torn to hold another's  
'Cause we're the special two  
And we can only see each other, we'll bleed together  
These arms will not be taught to need another's  
And we're the special two_

I have been torn too many times. The thoughts that I, once in my life has chosen someone else when i had a promise to keep to her were killing me.

_I step outside my mind's eyes for a minute  
And I look over me like a doctor looking for disease  
Something that could ease the pain  
But nothing cures the hurt you, you bring on by yourself  
Just remembering, just remembering how we were_

I felt dirty. I felt unworthy of this love. But I'm choosing this to make it all alright. To fix the mess that I am with her. To not hurt her and leave everything behind as a bad memory.

_When we would only need each other, we'd breathe together  
These hands would not be torn to hold another's  
We were the special two  
And we could only see each other we'd bleed together  
These arms would not be torn to need another's  
'Cause we're the special two  
_  
After I play the last notes it faded. I felt my tears running down my cheeks. As I looked up to Britt, I saw her tears fell from her eyes I stood up and scooped her into my arms. The tightest embrace I've ever given her since this happened. Silently, I cradled these feelings again. Somehow it relived the struggles we've been through, how we fell in love and got through the trials that came with it.

I never thought I'd forget it, that i would let the bitterness overshadow what we have. That moment, the broken pieces in me were glued back together. I did not question the tears that fell from Britt's eyes. It was not possible not to feel that we have drifted apart. We knew every bone in each other's body. We knew each other's heartbeat. But i couldn't help but think that the song more than it had meant to me before, it is driving me to make its promise anew. In my present situation, with a different reason, that song still conveys what i wanted to tell Britt. The tighter i held her, i wanted her to feel my guilt and my regret. I wanted to make her feel how sorry i was and how much i wanted us to just start all over again.

Today we'll know if the sign i have asked for would come. I would know if my go signal to fix everything would be given to me and if I would be given the chance to start anew.

After what had taken place these past few weeks, i was determined, now more than ever, to make this work. To set my eyes only upon those ocean blue orbs which it has set on the first time. I was determined to forget everything and believe that it was just bad dream and now that I have awakened I'm going to have this family, and keep my pledge of forever.

Britt laid on the hospital bed while I stood beside her. Early this morning, Britt and I went through the pregnancy test first but it came out negative. I told my wife that the test can be mistaken and that we will go to Dr. Carnegie to know of a better and more accurate result.

I watched intently as Dr. Carnegie tried to feel the insides of my wife's womb, feeling for any changes in temperature or contractions. I couldn't read the expression on her face as she does so. After a while, a nurse entered and handed her what appeared to be Britt's pregnancy test, like the one we used from home and she shook her head slightly. She then stopped and went over to set up the ultra sound machine to use it on Britt. It was an unusual move since it was too early for that, I guess i would just have to trust her. At that moment, I can feel my heart beating faster in anticipation. I had a bad feeling as to why there was a need to use the other means. As she did so, exposing Britt's lower abdomen, she spread the gel and went on running the device over it. Every time she looked at me she gave me a half smile which I returned.

After a while, she stopped. We didn't hear anything. No heartbeat, no movement. She went to her desk. I moved to help Britt get up from her position and fix herself. Dr. Carnegie had us seated near her desk.

"Usually..." she started. "it doesn't happen on the first try, those who are able too though are very lucky." She said. I can feel it. The sign is not coming.

"You're still young. So no need to worry" she continued to say. "We can always run the process again until you get that first born of yours." She gave us a weak smile. "We can try again whenever you're ready." She ended it there.

I can feel my countenance fell. When I looked at Britt she was calm. But more than that, I could see the disappointment in her eyes. After we left Dr. Carnegie's clinic we drove home in complete silence.

We arrived at the Pierces' home and saw Laura and Thomas cuddled peacefully on the living room couch. As we enter, they turned to look at us. Britt turned to me and spoke.

"Babe we better be packing." She told me. She turned to her parents and said " We'll take the first flight out tomorrow." Without another word, she went upstairs to our room.

I stood there, right in front of them stunned and unable to move. I looked at her parents. I shook my head.

"It didn't happen. we'll just have to try again." I felt the bitter words escaped my mouth.

Then i followed Britt upstairs.

As i open the door to our room. I saw her sitting mid-way on the bed. Her legs crossed while she held the stuff duck to her chest. I approached her. I didn't say a word. I took the space behind her and encircled my arms around her waist and locked my hands atop her belly. I wrapped her legs in mine and rest my chin on her shoulder. I then started to slowly rock us, as if i was cradling a baby in my embrace. I hummed in her ear our song as i started to take in her scent. That scent, that i was now determined to be the only scent i would know and want. She slowly turned her head to face me. I saw her face stained with tears.

Without thinking i brought my lips to hers and kissed her passionately. Before the need for air came, I let my lips trail kisses on her cheek, then to her jaw down to her neck. I placed those kisses as slowly and as deeply as possible. I felt her move, opening up the space between her neck and her shoulder giving me a better access to savor it. I tugged at the hem of her shirt. She then threw her arms upward letting me remove it. I did.

I then went back to place soft kisses on her shoulders. Moving my lips at the vast expanse of skin. I started to nibble at her nape and continued to place kisses down her spine. At the moment we felt the need to remove the remainder of the offending garments preventing our bare skin to touch. After we did, we resumed to our former stance. I pushed myself closer to her back, while she pressed her back closer against my torso. I continued to spread kisses on her neck, her shoulder, her spine, her nape while my hand remained to encircle her waist. I then dropped it to part her legs. I caressed her thighs with my hands and until i reached the part of her that needed my utmost attention. I caressed it slowly, running my fingers through it. I locked her legs with mine. I then decided to feel her. I did. While my free hands run through the length of her chest and torso caressing it. I felt my need and started to press myself harder against her back. There was friction as I felt myself collide against the cheek of her behind. I continued to feel her. The bucking of her hips were well controlled by the grip of my free hand on her waist and the trembling of her thighs were restrained by my legs locked with hers. With all my strength i continued to rock us close to the release.

Our motions, the touches that i allowed to linger on her were the most intimate I have given within the last five years whenever we made love. I wanted her to feel that i loved her even more now than before. That we were complete the two of us, and the baby would just be a special gift. The way our body fit so closely together is breathtaking, a manifestation of how perfect we are for each other as it always has been. As we reached the peak of our intimacy.

I softly whispered to her ear "I love you...so much." At that moment i knew i will not let her go, i will not let us go.

We stood waiting at Dayton International Airport for our flight numbers to be called. I fidgeted beside Britt. Not wanting to let go of the past three weeks. As i heard the flight to London be called, I froze.

I have never taken Britt to any of her departure for any of her tour, except the first time. It broke my heart that's why i took it upon myself to remember not to do it again. Every time she leaves, i never took her to the airport. I never went to see her go.

Today I was bound for New York and she was bound for London. After a while my flight was called. We looked at each other. Slowly we pulled our hands from each other and placed a one last soft kiss on each other's lips. We started to walk our way in different directions. As i reach the terminal i looked back and saw Britt slowly fade into the pool of strangers. I smiled and told myself 'She will be back and this time i will faithfully wait for her.'

As i heard the announcement the we were finally landing in New York my mind was filled with thoughts of stress, work and Ashley. 'how am I going to end it.'

I pushed the thought aside as i saw people heading to exit the plane. I walked through the lobby of JFK as i scanned through people around me. I was looking for Evelyn. I had called her earlier and asked her to pick me up from the airport because I wanted to head straight to the office after i have dropped my things.

I pass through the airport's exit.

When i was finally out, I then saw her standing in front of me, twirling the car keys on her finger.

It was Ashley.


	11. Book1:Chapter 11: I was, I am, I will

Book One: Otherwise Cuffed To You

_Chapter 11: I was, I am, I will (Part One: What I Decide)_

"Ash!" I can hear the shock in my own voice. I was surprised to see her there. Right this moment i felt like I was slowly losing my resolve. I have to keep it together. 'keep it together...keep it together'. I told myself like it was my new mantra.

This is actually why I didn't want to see her immediately and had asked Evelyn to pick me up instead. I didn't want to see her, not until I have completely planned out what I was going to say and when I was going to say it to her. This has caught me off guard. Even in my current state of panic, I did not take my gaze away from Ashley. If I did she would immediately know I'm up to something. I decided this is not the right time to tell her.

As I contemplated on how to react to her, a sexy grin she usually wears slowly crept onto her face. 'smile Lopez smile'. I felt my lips slowly curl up into a small curve. Ashley then immediately walked towards me and encircled me into her embrace.

"I missed you, you don't even know how much...". She whispered into my ear. Her warm breath tingling it's insides.

I felt her cheek touch mine, both surface rubbing against each other smoothly. I closed my eyes. I felt shivers run down my spine. I held my eyelids tightly trying my best not to melt with that touch, her touch. As I calmed down, I lift my hands and placed it on the small of her back. I started slowly palming in circles. I whispered back to her.

"Me too." as I breathed the words tiredly.

As she tighten her hold on me, I can feel it wash away the sadness I felt from what just happened yesterday. Her soothing touch made me feel safe. It was as if it was saying to me everything would be okay. It was comfortable and familiar. That's the feeling I've never felt with anyone before her.

I used to think that only Britt could have that effect on me. To make me feel like this, secured comforting. It's not the same, Britt-Britt's touch and the comfort it used to give me would be incomparable to anyone else. I know that kind of high when I feel it. It was far from it.

But this has surprised me, a couple of times actually, that Ashley has made her mark on me. Totally different, something I used to not allow myself to feel with anyone else. I used to think that any other's touch was just to fill a void. But I would be lying if I say that right now that's still how I feel. I believe the last three weeks had filled that emptiness. I'm complete now.

But I still find that it has this calming effect on me. I'm allowing myself to linger on it. I feel that this is mine and I can it take anytime I want. It's like I'm in a safe haven, it doesn't feel like home, that I'm sure of, but it's somewhere you would want to be, like the second best place in the world. The best place, however, I am certain, is on her way to London at this moment.

I always thought that in the realm of this complex situation I wouldn't find any of this. I was strong enough before, not to be affected in any kind of way. Everything is temporary that is a fact. But Ashley gave me that feeling of permanence. But nevertheless, I must be able to gather the courage to let it all go. I was pulled out of my trance when I heard her sigh a heavy breath and then she pulled away.

"let's get out of here." she told me. Sounding convinced with having said what was in her mind. I nodded.

I sat in her car while she drove. Having kept my composure, I knew I had to say something. I was not comfortable being silent around her, that's not how we are. We almost always engage ourselves in intelligent arguments or opinionated discussions about topics which interests us. Politics, legal developments, current events, fashion, and other commonsensical stuff. We talk about it non-stop anytime of the day. So for me to be all silent with her that would be unusual.

"So, how did the hearings go?" I asked her. 'Better to start off with work'

"What do you take me for?" She answered back annoyed.

"I know how you get all nervous in court, so how was it? Tell me, do I need to fix up some mess you made while I wasn't around." I told her. I knew she wouldn't take it personally.

"Baby, everything went well. That's all I'm going to say." She can be stubborn. But even when she was being so cute and defensive, her first word didn't escape my ears. I turned to face her.

"how many times do I have to tell you not to call me that.?" I said softly but with a stern voice.

When this all started, I was clear that any word close to mine and Britt's term of endearment was off-limits. First, because I felt that's reserved to her and her only. Second, because I didn't want to be caught by slipping on things like pet names.

"Fine. Sorry. Everything went well ma'am." She blurted it sarcastically. I figured it won't be long til' this is over so I have to let it go, otherwise, I wouldn't be able to end it sooner.

"I don't mean it that way, let's not make this a big deal okay? " I reached out to her and rubbed the side of her arm. "Now don't be scared...tell me what happened with my cases.?". I flashed her a sweet smile.

"Okay, but I'm still sorry. I forget sometimes." She said, calmer this time. "Rush of emotions due to longing." She took her gaze away from the road and looked at me seductively, before turning her head back as she continued. "I handled it well. But they're not up to settle things amicably. You know two things you can't avoid death and taxes."

"I know that, but didn't you invoke the good faith defense? They were not evading taxes. It was a legitimate avoidance scheme." I hate this, if i had been there it would have been easy, perhaps she didn't do it.

"I invoked that exact same thing. But they didn't consider." She said in her worry free voice. It annoyed me how she can actually relax. It's not a big case, but still i hate losing cases.

"What did they actually say?" I bet she can feel my anxiety over this.

"The court said... let me think." She tilted her head to the side, somehow trying to remember something. She's playing with me I knew it. "That perhaps Alex was a better lawyer than you are?" She let out a laugh. I had to laugh with her. She wouldn't have the nerve to appear alone, she's a newbie.

"I thought so. You're such a prude. So what did you actually do?" I thought she would be allowed to appear for me instead but I guess, Mrs. Eleanor figured it would be best to let Alex handle it.

"They asked if i wanted to appear for you, more like if I can, but I turned it down." She winked at me. "I felt I wasn't prepared and wasn't inspired enough." Then she narrowed her eyes. Times like these lets me know how Ashley exactly felt about me. It breaks my heart to actually break hers, but I have to.

"You know you can do it, you're a good lawyer Ash, you have to start early so you'll learn." I told her, I at least wanted to inspire her. "Not exactly better than I am, but enough to be good". I continued to tell her with cockiness. I wanted to at least make her laugh.

I looked out the window and saw that we weren't heading home back to my place. We were headed somewhere else, I actually didn't know where.

"Wait, where are you taking me?" I asked her.

"Out to lunch, I'm starving." She scrunched her face as she spoke.

We arrived at the restaurant and sat ourselves at the booth near the pastry shelf of the cafe section. It's a new place. I haven't been here before. Another topic to start with her, I have to at least stall the inevitable.

"When did you find out about this place?" I asked her with a glimmer of curiousity.

"Few weeks back, when I had to eat alone for lunch." She was definitely guilt tripping me. 'Don't be too defensive. Focus on veering away from the topic of the trip'.

"That never happens. You have clients." I told her. Its true it never happens in the office. We had a hectic schedule ahead of us right before i left so I knew even during lunch time they would be meeting with clients or they would just be at the office meeting for something.

"Actually a client introduced this place. Us, the newbies, were finally sent out alone for a client conference." She said confidently.

"well congratulations lady! So what's good he—" I was just about to ask her what would probably be best to order, when the waitress approached us to take our orders.

"let me" Ashley said after patting my arm, she turned to the waitress to place the orders. I watch her as she does so. While i read the menu following what Ashley was telling the waitress, I heard someone call my name.

"Santana...?" the voice said, more of in a question. I lift my head to see where the voice came from but didn't see anyone. So i went back into reading the menu.

"Santana! Its really you." This time the voice sounded closer and louder. I lift my head and looked up.

There I saw towering over me and standing right next to me. Olivia.

It was Olivia who turned my life around. If I would blame anyone besides myself for having things to turn out this way, it was her. But I couldn't, I have nothing but respect for the woman. What had started to be just friendship turned into something more than it should have. Olivia was there when I was at my weakest.

Life and career for me wasn't this successful. Right after i passed the bar, Britt and I immediately got married. And a little over two months, she left. It was true I had a head start of making my dreams come true, but you never really know that until you get out to the real world.

I was first an advocate for gender sensitivity and such did not do much for a good enough earning capacity. I was thankful, that even in my state of being married my parents played a big role to keep me afloat. I used to think that had Britt stayed here I would have been more eager and passionate in seeking success. But of course, as I have allowed it to happen, she was out there making her dreams come true too. A few months after that I became the budding lawyer who comes knocking on the doors of offices of assemblymen who might take me to join their team, it took a while before somebody actually took me in. Olivia made it happen.

I figured to be a staff in the congressional offices would be the next step as i was, previous to it, fighting for a cause. But it wasn't as easy as I thought. Money although there wasn't so much was not my problem, its more like my motivation was failing. It was tiring to always have to wait. I wanted to move forward but stubborn enough not to think of any other opportunity. I had to visit these offices everyday to take my chances. Everyday i wasn't successful.

More and more, my frustrations grew and came crashing to me. Britt hasn't come home. I had called her when the tragedy about mom happened, she told me she can't make it home for that year. it was the second year she was not here. After I came home from Lima to see Papa, after what happened to my mom, i took it upon myself to go drinking everyday to wash away my frustrations. I couldn't hold it in anymore. After i feel like i should be getting home, I stopped by a small cafe to get a cup of coffee to sober up. That's where I met Olivia.

I've been coming there for a month until she made herself known to me. She had always been watching me from the first day i went in the cafe.

-0-

_No one can actually tell me what i had been doing for the past month is wrong or bad for me. If only my mom was here to talk some sense into me maybe i would listen, or Britt for that matter. Perhaps if i can see myself in the mirror with what i have been doing, I myself wouldn't want to see me. So here I am getting what, in the pool of bad things happening and bad feelings, the one thing that remains to be good is a cup of coffee. I drag myself to the counter and order what i have considered as the best companion during a drunken night. The face that approaches me is the blur i usually see._

"_brruze coffee, blaaack!" My mind was coherent, but my tongue, i guess didn't get the same message._

"_Oookaayyy. That would be $10 ma'am, would you like anything else?" The soft voice asked me, but i can sense the awkwardness in that voice._

"_Nah" I flashed her a wide grin._

"_You better take your seat, i'll bring your coffee there" The girl said patting me on the shoulder._

_I nodded and went straight to a seat at the back. There weren't many people considering it was after midnight. I walked over to the back bumping against the tables and chairs along the way. When i was finally seated, i ran my palm over my face a few times to at least ward off the dizziness. I saw the waitress made her way to me. Still feeling a bit dizzy, i didn't even acknowledge her put my coffee on the table. I knew she would, no need to check with her or anything._

_But just when i was about to reach out for my cup, i noticed it was not sitting alone on the table. I rubbed my eyes to confirm the sight before me. Next to the cup of coffee was a s'mores cupcake decorated beautifully. On the saucer was a post-it sticking out. "As much as like you coming in here regularly, i don't want you scaring my staff. Sober up, you're cuter that way, compliments from the pastry chef, p.s. i'll even throw in a smoothie with that if you do it faster and stay longer". Having read it, i suddenly was stirred up from my drunken state. I drank my coffee and took a bite of the 'smores. It was good. I wasn't done but i stood up to approach the counter._

"_your pastry chef?" I asked this time my speech was without a slur._

"_Oh, for a while" The girl told me. I tapped my fingers on the glass shelf as I waited._

"_Yes?" I heard a voice from behind. I looked over my shoulder and smiled._

"_Santana Pierce-Lopez, and I would like that smoothie" I told her as I reach out my hand for her to shake. She did._

"_Olivia Scott, and i will get it." She smiled._

_-0-_

All i can feel for the woman was utter admiration. My drunken nights did not end soon enough. But it lessened slowly. I continued to visit the cafe even when i wasn't drunk. Olivia would always be there to chat me up every time she didn't have anything to do. I needed someone to talk to, a friend. A different one from what i already have. I can't go to Quinn or Puck or any of them even if they were in close proximity since what i would actually tell them i knew would reach Brittany. I did not want such news to reach her. Olivia provided that.

More so, it appears her cafe was frequented my certain members of congress, her pastry prowess being a hit among them. She gave way for me to be introduced to my first boss. Representative Clarence Adam. The man was a mentor even for the short time i was under his supervision. I was included in his team drafting certain tax bills and my contribution did not go unnoticed. I was then invited to join Bell & Ward a year after. I was hesitant to accept it at first, but Olivia said there's nothing to lose since I've experienced a dream come true. I eventually accepted their offer and definitely it was a good one.

The day I was welcomed to Bell & Ward, was a celebration. After it was over I went to treat Olivia out. We went to dinner and at the end of it she kissed me. One thing led to another, I lost control. I made it clear to her i was married and i thought she had dismissed that feeling but she didn't. I couldn't reject her, she has been so good to me. She said it was okay, that she wasn't gonna demand anything from me. She proved that through the months. And I brought myself to have a relationship, with friendship and a great amount of gratitude as my consideration. It was smooth sailing and fun. She was happy and i was happy, she loved me and but that was not the case for me.

Four months into Bell & Ward, Britt came home. I panicked and I wanted to end it immediately. At that time I was a rookie. I didn't know what to do. I didn't see Olivia for a good number of days, I bet she was worried. I didn't know how to break it up. Perhaps, it was the worst thing i did in my life. I brought Britt into the cafe. The moment the waitress saw me she ran back to the kitchen. After a while, I saw Olivia come out excitedly, just to be shocked by the sight of Britt and I. I didn't look at her directly, but i stole a glance. She turned back and slowly hid herself again in the kitchen. After Britt left, again, I tried to contact her, but I wasn't able to. I visited the cafe but she wasn't there anymore. She disappeared on me. I wanted so bad to make it right. If i had seen her after Britt left, or for the years following that she wasn't here, Olivia would have been the easiest choice.

"Ivi!" My mouth fell open. I was shocked to see her. I immediately stood up and hugged her. She hugged me back. I felt relief wash over me. I pulled back rather immediately, i wanted to look at her. "How are you?"

"I'm good, and this is mine." She blurted it out sounding a little cocky. She couldn't possibly be anyone else, she definitely is Olivia Scott.

"Cocky much?" I told her with laugh.

"You know it. So...what brings you here?" She asked, and then tilted her head to peek over my shoulder.

"I just arrived this morning from Lima. I had vacation with Britt." I told rather timidly.

"But that's not her...? as far as i can remember." She raised an eyebrow at the sight of Ashley.

"Oh she took a flight to London" i continued to tell her but her eyes continued to widen. I knew i had to elaborate. Ashley stood up and place a hand on my shoulder firmly. "How rude of me.." i moved myself to the side and introduced them. "This is Ashley Hayes, my associate." I said turning my head to face Ivi. I then turned to Ashley "Ash, Olivia Scott, a very good friend of mine." They shook hands but Ivi's eyebrows were still raised and Ashley's eyes were narrowing. A few seconds after, they pulled their hands apart.

"Well, Its really nice seeing you Tana." She gave me a knowing look and her sincerest smile.

"You too, really." I told her biting the side of my lip.

"If you need anything just let me know" She placed her hand to squeeze my arm.

"Of course " I told her. With that, she left.

She then disappeared behind the pastry shelf. Ash and I sat back down and waited for our food.

"Want to tell me who that was?" Ashley asked me with her gazing down at the table and not looking at me. 'She might have noticed the closeness between Ivi and I, but I'm not about to spill my history to her.

"Ivi. Owner of the restaurant" I answered.

"Really? The owner of the restaurant just called you Tana." this time her voice was stern.

"She's a very good friend way back." I told her while i shrugged my shoulders.

"Way way back?" she inquired, being all cute.

"Way way way way back." I smiled at her reassuringly.

"Okay". Finally content with my answer, she kissed me on the cheek. I scrunched my face and lowered my head a bit to at least conceal what was happening. You can never be too careful. The waiter surprised us when he came to bring our food.

I continued to ask Ash regarding the happenings at the office as we eat. I did not give her any opportunity to ask me about my trip. What i did there or what happened to me. When we finally finished eating I asked for the check and waited for it to be brought to me. A few minutes after, the waiter came back but instead of the check he balanced a tray on his hand with small desserts on it. I should have known better.

"Ma'am your desserts." The waiter said as he placed a s'mores in front of me and an oreo cupcake for Ash. "compliments from the pastry chef." I nodded and thanked him.

I turned the saucer and just as I thought, a post it. I read it "you're better than this, don't mess up" i took the post it immediately and slipped it into my pocket before Ashley sees it. I called to the waiter again for the check. I excused myself from Ash and told her i was going to the bathroom. I stood up and walked my way. I took a different turn, i made my way into the kitchen instead.

"Ivi... are you here?" i called out to her, immediately her head popped out of nowhere.

"Yeah right here". She waved at me and went around and walked towards me. She stood right infront of me. I took hold of her hand.

"its long overdue but, I'm sorry." I bowed my head.

"I knew that day it was over Tana," She squeezed my hand. "It was always the plan." sHe continued. "I just didn't know how to be friends with you after it" She gave me a half smile.

"I know, but i should have ended it properly." I admitted to her.

"It was better that way, I wouldn't have it any other way." She shook me and went on to ask. "So... the girl...the asso-Sh*T... is she?" I guess i had to answer that honestly.

"Need I say more?" i gave her back a question instead but i know she knew what i meant.

"It was supposed to be a onetime thing, you shouldn't have." She closed her eyes as she said it. "Make it right okay?" She was now eyeing me.

"I will". I looked at her and nodded. She gave me a hug and i patted her back. With that, I left the kitchen and went back to Ash.

The next morning I was back at the office. My plan to go to the office to at least show myself there yesterday failed. I knew i couldn't do anything more with the rest of the afternoon so instead i decided to have the rest of the day off to relax myself. Britt called and told me she has landed about 7 hours after I did. She had to report immediately because she was already a week behind for rehearsals due to the extended vacation.

After Ashley dropped me off, she had to leave because unlike me, she actually had to attend to some more work at Bell &Ward. I spent my time fixing things in the house. I put up more pictures of Britt and I on the walls. I cleaned the whole house. I rearranged the pieces of furniture to give it a cozier, homier feel. I organized our closet spaces. I put back the figurines. I hung up some additional paintings and decorations. I made the house exactly how Britt would fix it. How she and I would mix in one place, like how we love each other.

Yes, I am alone for most of the time here, being left by my wife to work all around the world and yes, I'm supposed to be the tougher one, but I also am the designated home maker, so if my wife comes home she'd love to be here feel exactly what she's been missing and who has been missing her badly. Too bad, it's only now that i felt that way but its not too late. I know it cannot be changed in a day or two but I'm starting it now and hopefully it will make a difference.

Perhaps it was a much needed trip to get me back to my senses that this is not a fight over who rules this marriage. I used to think before that i lost to Britt because she can stomach being away for so long so i decided to do things my way, as they say the one who cares less, controls the relationship and what she did made me care less. Now i don't mind, i don't care actually who cares less or more, fact is i care, still do so much. So if i don't control whatever it is, i'll let Britt have it, but i know in my heart she wasn't competing with me, because that was our promise, that was my promise and i'm keeping it.

After i arrived at the office, i immediately went to Mrs. Eleanor's office to report to her that i was back. I expected to have a bunch of files to work on due to my long vacation. To my surprise there was none. Mrs. Eleanor said Hayes took care of it, but it would be advisable for me to review them just to make sure. I then went to Ashley's office.

As i entered her office, i saw her, head bowed down face scrunched with her eyeglasses. I walked towards her desk.

"Hey granma!" I told her jokingly. I like teasing her. The eyeglasses made her look ridiculous, throws all her sex appeal out the window. It was a major turn-off. But I'm used to it.

"O my child! Come sit on my lap." She said then stuck her tongue out. I leaned forward to place a chaste kiss on her lips.

"Seriously, try contact lenses, these eyeglasses don't do you justice.". I told her while wiggling my finger in the air.

"As long as it doesnt bother you, i'm fine using them. Besides, i tend to be careless with contact lenses i forget to remove them." She sat back and raised her glasses to her head.

"Well, but couldn't you get hotter eyeglasses like mine." I told her with a smirk.

"Your eyeglasses are not hot, you're hot, you just rub off some on it." She smiled.

"Why can't you do the same? Oh! I know! you're not hot enough!" I retorted back while my eyes widen. This time Ashley stood up to walk towards me. I motioned to get away but she caught me by the waist and encircled her arms around me, hugging me from behind. I can't control my laughter while she peppered my neck with kisses.

When my breath finally evened out, I stood firmly and she did too. She rest her chin on my shoulder and let out a sigh. I fell silent and raised a hand to cup her cheek.

"Gotta work." I placed one chaste kiss on her cheek. She nodded and i pulled back from the embrace. When i was about to walk out the door she called out to me.

"Lunch later?" She asked flashing me an excited smile.

"Dinner, I'll have reservations made." I answered back. Tonight was the night. There's no easy way to do this, but i have to.

"Better!" after she said that she made her way back to her desk and i slowly closed the door.

I have to do it sooner or else I won't have the courage. I didn't want to hurt Ash, but more than that i wanted to make it right with Britt. I can't come clean with it, that would ruin us. I knew it, my best option is to just stop it and fast.

I immediately walked to my office. As soon as I saw Evelyn, I motioned for her to follow me inside. As soon as I entered, I sat on my chair and started scribbling my notes on a piece of paper so i can give it to Evelyn. I wanted to be particular with what I want for what I had planned. A few minutes after I heard the door open. Evelyn made her way to my desk and I motioned for her to a seat in front of it which she did.

"ma'am you better tell me what's going on, you're scaring me with your sudden need to summon me in here" as she spoke I continued to scribble notes and ignored her question.

"you were gone three weeks and now you're being weird the first time you see me, are we in trouble? Are we being fired?" she continued to ask and I continued to write while I tilted my head back and forth.

"Santana should I pack our things now?" this time her voice was the sound of panic. I had to say something or she just might faint.

"Calm your t*ts woman" in a soft low and calm voice. Without lifting my head or looking at her I continued to write what I had planned out last night.

Although my mind was preoccupied I can still feel Evelyn being nervous, sitting across from me. After scribbling one last detail I swooped my pen up and gazed at the paper.

"here!" I handed the paper to Evelyn "read it aloud so that I'll know if I missed anything" I wiggled my finger in front of her. With a questioning look in her eyes, she took and examined it.

"what's all this for?" she asked. I closed my eyes and let out a heavy breath.

"read it aloud first, who's the boss here anyway". I rolled my eyes at her. "just read it aloud" I told her again.

"okay okay if you say so" Evelyn took her eyeglasses which were hanging on a strap around her neck and place it above her eyes. "uhmm,_ LJ-Tiffany bezet bangle white gold, Lazy Blooms-7 dozens of tulips, make reservations at Daniel's at 60 E 65th. Petrus Pomerol. 7pm, Hire a limo. WB-Tiffany Filigree Heart Necklace, Louis Roederer Champagne Cristal, London Florist, 5 dozens luxury grand prix and 5 dozens virgin whites for delivery to 30 Kinnerton Street Knightsbridge, London, England._

"Why don't you make reservations at Petrus in London for three maybe four too." I added as Evelyn finished reading my list.

"I'll try to do everything that's here ma'am but may I ask why we are spending a fortune only for today" she looked at the list, then back to me. I looked away from her.

"I'm breaking up with Ashley" I told her almost under my breath.

"what was that?" she leaned her ear closer to me as if mocking me.

"I'm breaking up with Ashley" this time it was more audible

"what?" Evelyn said again this time she was actually mocking me.

"you heard me, don't be a bitch, woman!" I rolled my eyes at her. She laughed but immediately suppressed it by a palm she placed over her mouth.

"then why do you have to spend this much for that...? Can't you just tell her plain and simple, that's what you did to the other two at least those I've come across"

"I don't want her to hate me." I shyly admitted.

"and you think this will make her not hate you after you break her heart?" She was speaking the truth but somewhere in my heart I was hoping Ashley would rather appreciate it and still be friends.

"ahhhh let me rephrase that...So you think taking her out to dinner and giving her a $3000 bracelet would be a less hurtful break up?" she asked with disbelief.

"I just wanted to make it special" I retorted back.

"boss, if I may, there is no such thing as a special break up. Whether you do it with a text message, or upon seeing them by denying you actually know them, or just telling them after you do the deed, which, by the way, you all did, it would still hurt especially for the one who cared" another truth from her big mouth, but this was not for a special break up, this was me, merely doing something special for Ash.

"I just want to make our last date special" I smiled at her resting my chin on my palm.

"it sure is. And the necklace I assume is for wedding bells?" she inquired but I know she knows the answer to it.

"you know I never give anything to anyone else unless I give to Britt too or more than that" I blinked at her while smirking.

"so do you have a new one? You have to give me the 411 so I won't mess it up at least give me the time to familiarize myself with the new ways" she grinned at me while nodding her head. "And we've been on this one for too long I don't even know if I'd forget how to handle her." she continued to say to emphasize more how long it has been since I had anyone other than Britt and Ashley. I decided to play with her.

"yeah actually there is." I twitched my lips to the side and narrowed my eyes.

"what's this one?" she asked curiously

"black weaves, chocolate brown skin, a bit pudgy" I told her in a sing-song voice.

"what's she like? Is she nice?" she continued to ask still clueless.

"bitchy, a bit snotty" I told her still has no intention of revealing it to her.

"how long have you known her? Where did you meet her?" I could just laugh she's still has no idea.

"one and half years, just right outside my office" I told her with my wide eyes.

"you're playing with me! I was even so into knowing who the new girl is, you're a bitch boss such a bitch" she told me while shaking her head. I just laughed.

"it's because you're so gullible you almost bought it." I continued to laugh.

"but really is there someone new?" this time her tone was serious.

"yeah, blonde, the sexiest and most beautiful I've ever seen" I told her again this time I wasn't looking at her I was just staring into nothing.

"just like wedding bells?" she asked her face almost fell.

"yeah exactly like her, only I love this one better" I told her convincingly

"what's her name?" she continued to ask.

"exactly like hers too." I looked at her and nodded. She flashed me a bright smile of relief.

"finally!" placed her palm to her chest "so are you telling me you're done boss?" she raised her eyebrows.

"yeah, I'm done, definitely done" I told her confidently.


	12. Book1: Chapter 11: I was, I am, I will b

Book One: Otherwise Cuffed To You

_Chapter 11: I was, I am, I will be (Part Two: Beyond Confused)_

After my conversation with Evelyn I sent her out to get the files I ought to review from Ashley since I forgot to ask her about it when I was there earlier. I guess I was too distracted with my thoughts about what I had planned for tonight.

As I waited for the files, I had my mind wondering whether what I had planned was proper or what really was my purpose. I had these questions in my mind if I really wanted this to be less hurtful or would I actually be adding insult to the injury if I continued with my plan. By bringing her grandeur only to later dump her in the trash. As for myself I knew I always loved receiving gifts for whatever purpose that's why I'm generous enough to give them back.

But Ashley is different. She's a person who values attention, time and feelings. This is not the first time however that I have given her a gift and almost always she rejects the material offerings. If she would accept she always want a reason for it. Perhaps, this is the most special of them, but there is an aching in my chest that tells me this is gonna be the most hated gift of them all.

This is the grandest actually of my break- ups with the girls I've been involved with, however I'm reminded of the worst of them all and I laugh at the memory while it played in my head.

-0-

_After a full year of whirlwind, hodgepodge of emotions, amateurish experience and two illicit affairs, I thrilled myself by venturing of what one would consider as higher level of involvement. I figured that perhaps to enjoy this more it would be better to represent myself as single, hot and very available._

_After my break up with Natalie which she took as a grain of salt, I got used to embark in maintaining an active nightlife like how I used to with her. I figured it's a good use of my time seeing that I live alone for the majority of the year there's really no one to consider. I don't have anybody waiting for me. There's no one who would actually get worried why I didn't come home for the night or where I spent it. Every night I went to different bars and clubs sometimes with Alex sometimes I drag Evelyn along. I did mingle with people and that was when I met Veronica._

_The only girl I've been with who was like me, Hispanic. If I may say so, the girl was hot. Smooth tanned skin, sculpted curves accentuating her body, luscious pouting lips, and deep set eyes which somehow always seem to come up with the most lustful stare that ever lay upon me. The woman walks up to you and you can feel the heat radiating from her and you would just feel the impulse to grab her right thenand there. I even came to a point of thinking she just might be hotter than me, if that's even possible._

_With all the hotness that was her, came the naivety of a teenage girl. Perhaps, it was because she's young and foreign to the place, I thought at first since she's not actually from here. She was from Puerto Rico and was here vacationing staying with some relatives and at the same time she was taking acting it was more than that, she looks game and liberated, but on the contrary, the girl was a virgin, at least until she met me._

_I really started to like the girl and we started dating. I took it as a challenge to bed her. I've been a guy's first before, but not a girl, not even Britt. After a few weeks of dating Roni, she voiced out she wanted to know me better and that I should take her to my home and let her see it. I figured I was getting closer to my goal. However I wasn't prepared for such request. I mean we could just always meet in some hotel if the need for it arises, but boy! The girl was indeed idealistic and dreamy those little things mattered to her. I obviously cannot take her to the marital abode that somehow felt wrong._

_To maintain my front of being single, I asked Evelyn to find me a pad fitted for a bachelorette like what I was portraying myself to be. Evelyn persuaded me to just use her apartment and told me I can use the spare room and only leave her room be. She would even arrange all the other areas to fit my taste somewhat, something about not acquiring unnecessary additional expenses. I was hesitant at first, I felt like I was intruding, but the woman wouldn't let me off the hook. I told her I will pay her for it and that she would be staying at my house. It felt however like it fitted seeing that I totally trust Evelyn and that she can further cover for me in case there's a need for it. My alter ego now was fully equipped. No trace of marriage can now be attributed to me._

_Another two weeks and I took Roni home to Evelyn's apartment. She has decided she was ready. I waited for her to actually come around the idea, it's bad if something like that was forced and not consensual it's not as much fun. I didn't want to compel her into something she doesn't want to do and even if she was ready and was suggesting the same i knew i still had to ask nicely._

_We started off with dinner which I personally prepared. After dinner, I stood up and went to play some tunes. I went back to Roni who was still sat at the dining table. I took her hand and motioned for her to rise up to her feet. I placed a hand on her hip and swayed her to the rhythm of the song. I knew one of the best means to seduction is dance, dirty dance, where I learned that from, it was obvious._

_I drew the girl's body closer to me as i felt her shiver under my touch. I can feel her weakening. It was the best foreplay for her since this was her first time. I didn't want to shock the girl by jumping on her. I wanted to create feelings within her that would have her begging for it to happen than to deal with the nerves she might be feeling when I myself couldn't hold it any longer. I'm not one for reversing the process, set the mood first then let it all flow not skip the preliminaries and soon you'll be in the mood, that's just wrong for this. With our bodies pressed tightly. Her arms wrapped around my neck and mine encircled around her waist. I slowly rolled my hips into hers, placing soft kisses on her neck and as the song reached its third verse I knew it was the time to voice it out._

_~And if by chance, I should hold her,_

_Let me hold her for a time_

_But if I allowed just one possession_

_I would pick her from the garden, to be mine.~_

_I blew a breath to her ear before i continued to whisper "Be mine". With that, I felt her nod against my cheek. I placed a soft kiss on hers and guided her to Evelyn's spare room. I lead her to the bed and slowly rid of the articles of our clothing. I made my moves slow and intimate and passionate so that i don't startle her with quick hungry touches. As I explored her body, I can see it was worth the trouble i went through and the wait. I lavished her with kisses. With her positive responses to my ministrations she was definitely ready, to say the least the girl's body was heated with anticipation. I rested my forehead against hers and although i knew she was waiting for it to be happen, i had to ask her if she was okay and she gave me a nod while she bit her lower lip._

_Slowly, I ran my finger through her down to the center. As i softly caress her, she gasped. I did the same thing a couple more times to finally have her relax to the sensation. i kissed her deeply to distract her from the initial pain as i finally embark to slip into her. When i finally did, I felt her tightness, her body then arched into mine. With the initial shock, i look into her eyes, i saw a tear escape from one of it. I continued to kiss her as i pick up the pace and i can feel her nails digging into my shoulder, her hips bucking up involuntarily. I finally felt her constrict, she was writing beneath me, until her body rose and fell and her lips broke an upward curve. I pulled out from her, her body collapsed on the bed and i rolled off her and laid beside her. She cuddled closer to me, not long after, we drifted off to sleep._

_Another month passed and nothing i do with Roni was out of the ordinary. Our usual dates and tours of the city grew fewer through the weeks. I was busy and her classes became more demanding. Well not really. I made it appear like it was. But the girl was very submissive to the things I want. Our intimate rendezvous were not extraordinary. I always had to put so much effort to satisfy myself, but i did not let her know, i gave her the chance to improve on it since it can't happen that i always be the one to do the pleasing i have my needs too, no matter how I enjoyed how hot she was. I guess the challenge was gone now since i had her already where i wanted her in the first place. I needed her to step it up._

_During the draught was when i met Julia. I was in-charge then to put together the annual Bell and Ward Clients Call. Its a party where every one of our clients are invited to be orientated with each and every one of the members of the firm, the current composition and the latest promotions so they'll know who actually handles their cases. It is also where retainers are renewed. I asked Evelyn to get me a list of events organizers to pitch their plan to me. Julia was one of them. She was arrogant, very confident and self-assured._

_She was pretty, not like all the others but she had a great amount of sex-appeal and definitely straightforward. I can still remember how she outright told me that she hopes our relations would not be strictly business. She came across the Lopez charm and immediately wanted to grab the opportunity, i like the way she pulled that one on me. Well, i had to try, the woman wouldn't be that confident if she didn't have anything to offer. i found out weeks later, working with her for the event, that she actually was very intelligent, quick, sharp and professional. But more than that, she was absolutely talented in the most intimate place where it mattered. She was wild and she drove me mad with her skills. Incomparable to the amateurish moves Roni was trying hard to come up with._

_The time i spent with Roni grew fewer maybe twice a week, with Julia on the side, it was too much to handle. But i still attended to her, although i was really growing bored with her and i was having so much fun with Julia._

_After the Bell & Ward Clients Call event, i continued to see Julia. Our afternoon delights became more frequent. Those moments were short but most satisfying. But our meet-up's slowly became more than that. We went to dates, sometimes i accompanied her to her events._

_One of the events Julia had organized was a play for a charitable institution, and it was for a cause. I joined her there. While we were waiting for the play to start, and since Julia was an organizer we were staying backstage. Being promiscuous and all, we can't help our occasional kissing and flirting near the dressing rooms. Having our hands all over each other and not caring about the people around us. We were too busy to even notice them anyway. That was until we felt a hard push on our shoulder from the side. 'who would intrude like that' i then turned to my side and saw an infuriated Roni._

_Even before i turned i can hear strings of Spanish words being thrown at me . I looked at her and my eyes widened. 'How do I do this' i asked myself._

"_¡Que te den! Puta,mentirosa!_ _¿Quién es esta puta?" She pointed to Julia and i narrowed my eyes at her._

"_Por eso empezaste a evitarme. Has estado follándome cada noche, diciéndome cuanto me deseabasPensé que siempre íbamos a estar juntas" I definitely did not say anything about forever this girl is insane. I continued to glare at her. But still i did not speak, i didn't actually know what to do._

"_No puedo creer que me enamorase de lo dí todo y Me has roto el corazón. Soy tan estúpida por haberte creido. Sólo sé que ahora mismo te daba una hostia. Me has arruinado la vida. ᵢEres una puta!" Her tears were falling i can barely understand the words coming from her mouth. While Julia and I stood there. I really did not know what to say, but i figured i had to say something i had to choose between these two._

_I made my choice right then and there. I readied my bitch face and turned Julia to face me. The words i'm about say would definitely make this girl hate me. But i said it anyway. I had to._

"_Who's this ? " I told Julia pointing to Roni. I tried to appear as mad as possible, putting a show like i was being attacked by some psycho at her event. Julia mouthed a silent 'i don't know ' to me with an embarrassed face. How in the world can I be stupid enough not to figure out that perhaps Roni would be in this type of events being a drama student. Julia absolutely bought it, thankfully._

_Julia took a hold of Roni's arm and motioned for the security to take her out. As she was being dragged away from us, Julia tried to calm me down and apologized profusely. I can still hear Roni on the top of her voice cursing me._

"ᵢ_No puedo creer que me hayas usado! ᵢNo quiero volver a verte! ᵢEspero que ardas en el infierno!"_

_I closed my eyes as the last of the words faded from earshot. I had to do it. I'm enjoying this one so much better now, but she was fun while it lasted._

-0-

I gestured to Evelyn to enter the room when I glanced at her peeking thru it and observing me get lost in my thoughts. She then approached my desk with the files at hand.

"penny for your thoughts?" she asked me with her head tilted while sporting a smile.

"I just remembered my Latina" I answered honestly while I reach out for the files she was handing me.

"your Latina? I thought you didn't know any" she blatantly said while she laughed.

"hahaha hardy harhar, laugh away." I retorted sarcastically.

"boss... You know I'm just messing with you. Why the thoughts on her?" she asked sounding curious.

"I was thinking how so much better this is than what happened before." i continued to respond while I scan the files.

"it only got worst because you were experimenting and added a bunch of lies to an already complicated situation." this woman really has the biggest mouth there is.

"I know that now." i stuck my tongue out at her.

"and that's a good thing. But so you know this isn't any better than your other break ups." she wiggled her finger in the air for emphasis.

"we'll see" i gave her a half smile while my head careened to the side.

"well I better go back to my desk if you want this plan of yours to push through." she signaled to the direction of the door.

"go!" I told her as I gestured to shoo her out.

She was half way out the door when i called out to her again. She looked over her shoulder to look at me.

"thank you" I mouthed to her. She nodded and went on her way.

I went through each of the cases files set on top of my desk. Eyeing it I can't help but think that Ashley has indeed covered a lot for me. I scanned each of the files and started reading. It was a big pile and I knew i had to go about it faster than usually if I wanted to finish it up in time for our date. As i scan through the pages, I can see Ashley's notes on the different cases.

Reading them, I can tell that she has learned a lot and knowing that i easily get irritated with senseless argument, recommendation, conclusion and theories to cases, her notes are not ones to disappoint. I can tell she worked through them with effort, more than she was required to.

I was half way through the files when i heard Evelyn's voice through the intercom.

"Ma'am, I've ordered almost everything you have here in the list." Evelyn told me sounding like we and impending problem.

"and what?" I asked her calmly, it can't that big of a deal.

"I've ordered the one for Wedding bells from the Sloane Branch. Does she live alone in this address because if she does, are sure she's gonna be there when it arrives.?" I don't really know the details this having been so abrupt.

"Sh*t! right, i can't actually ask her since its a surprise. Let me think..." I took a few more minutes to run the plan through my mind.

"You have to figure it out, its good enough they have the item there at present and we won't have to wait for days, but you have to make up your mind since they are ahead of us by five hours and seeing that its 10 am already, its 3 pm there. And-" I cut Evelyn to it before she can actually lecture me. I changed the topic to the other details while I think.

"Yeah, yeah i know, but did you arrange the reservation at Petrus?" I bet she was done with the restaurant but i can't figure out yet what to do with the necklace.

"Yes, I'm done with that. Clock is ticking" As i thought so. She's being a pain right now but i knew she has a point so i figured i needed a third person in this who's actually there with Britt.

"I know, call Addie Britt's assistant and let her in on the plan. Did you get the champagne? its Britt's favorite." I knew Addie could actually be a great help and she's the only one i can trust to execute the plan.

"Focus! They have it at the restaurant ." Evelyn emphasized.

"Oh, how about the flowers?" i had to make sure of every detail so i asked about the littlest of it.

"Done. So is that it? What do I do with Addie?" Evelyn was confused maybe perhaps because of the many things i asked her.

"Tell everything, pick the thing up at Tiffany's, bring Britt to dinner at 9 or whenever they finish with rehearsals just make sure she checks with the restaurant, bring two other friends i don't care who. Just don't give the necklace until its over, tell her to let the flowers in to Britt's apartment. If its possible for her to set up Britt's place then do so, better to have the necklace sitting on her bed or something." I thought it through and gave her a more concrete answer.

"okay, i'll call her now." Now i can sense calmness in her voice.

"and tell her she will be rewarded generously, and don't spill. thanks! The plan is a bit all over the place, you know i've never done this before." I shyly admitted. Its true we hadn't done anything like it before. I haven't exerted this much effort in years. I was content to just have the gifts delivered.

"I know. We're done with mere gift deliveries we're now adding ghostly dates, thank God she's just in London, i wonder what we would do if she was China." I smiled at Evelyn's remarked. 'ghostly dates' I can't be there but it doesn't have to mean it should be less romantic. But I'm not about to go all soft on the thought although it made me smile thinking about how Britt will react.

"Shut up!, besides I'd like to start this well, we will figure China out too if we have to. Wait-" Now, even if Britt would be anywhere in the world i would spoil her, besides i have a lot of catching up to do i figured. Then i remembered the other thing i had planned.

"If you're going to ask, Daniel's is all set." As sharp as she was, of course Evelyn knew what i was going to say.

"How about the bangle? And were you able to request for them to close of a portion of the Bellecour?" I was trying to figure out whether to deliver the bangle to her or to keep it and give it personally instead i decided to go with the latter. I didn't know how Ash would react so as much as possible i wanted privacy.

"I haven't asked you where to have that delivered, and yes they acceded to close a portion since i don't want you being scandalized if ever she reacts violently, but i had to push them a bit with that." Me and my assistant are perfect together we have the same train of thought. Its so linked together, i won't even have to ask sometimes, she just knows.

"Just pick up the bangle and give it to me. I want to make this right, at least i can control when i should give it to her." It would be best to hold on to it. I don't want Ashley to mistake any other reason for this gift.

"how about the flowers? Where do we take those?" Those are Ashley's favorite but I'm not quite sure if she'd want to take those home, I settled for her to at least see them.

"Have it at the restaurant and some in the limo." I answered satisfied with my resolve.

"okay will do that boss, 7:00 pm right?" Hearing the time i had previously set, i knew i had to move faster with what i was doing and figure out anything that i hadn't settled in my mind at about the same time.

"yeah." Even with my nerves, I confirmed the time.

"I'm so proud of you right now by the way" Hearing Evelyn say that convinced me more that this is a good thing

"me too." I added. Deep within me i knew i may not have it all figured out but its definitely gonna happen. It has to.

So since everything was set all i have to do is finish the review for these files and i can go. But more importantly i have to prepare myself for this with the time i have in my hands. I get this giddy feeling about how things will turn out in London with what i had planned for Britt even without me there. It's ironic how sure i was about it, and how confused i was with the plan here which i had to execute personally.

My presence here is not an assurance of a smooth sailing break up perhaps that's why in the past i didn't want to personally do it. But i can't do that to Ash. I want her to feel the sincerity when i tell her how thankful i was for her and how our months together has been so great i might never forget. I would want her to know how deep within me i wanted us to still be friends and not hate each other. But most of all, i want her to believe that i wasn't in on this just to break her heart although we both know it was inevitable.

In my hand was the last of the files i had to review. I continued to read through it, getting anxious to finish up so i can finally prepare. As i flipped its last page, I saw a note, it was in Ashley's handwriting. I got it and read it.

_To my... I'm not sure what to call you (LOL)...boss... here and otherwise,_

_As you scan these files and perhaps now you're done reviewing them since you're reading my letter, you will find out that:_

_1. I've put extra extra effort in studying them and i've done quite a handful of research for this._

_2. I've carefully read and understood every single detail of these cases as evidenced by my notes on it._

_3. I've encountered sleepless nights working on them, obviously since they are difficult and novel, at least to me._

_4. I can fully handle a court hearing by myself if ever i'd be assign to one of these._

_5. I've learned a lot and actually have applied my knowledge to each._

_6. I've missed you so much in the past three weeks and i gave these cases my full attention as you would have_

_7. i did this labor of love for the simple reason that..._

_I love you Santana._

_It's our 7thmonth and i can't wait to have you all to myself. See you at SEVEN.:)_

_-signed-_

_**Your Ashley**_

The three big words preceding my name gave me an eyesore. I paused for a while after i read the letter. I didn't remember what it was today. More so i was startled by what she has declared. I can't say i was oblivious to the fact that she might feel that way. But for her to actually say it, she must have mustered her courage to put her heart on the line.

I think it through again, but i was sure that i wasn't confused of what i had to do. At same time i wasn't so sure if i could handle the hurt that I would be bringing to Ashley since she's been good to me. I should have remembered the proper timing. This might just hurt more than what I did breaking up with those other girls.

I know I will be doing the right thing. But right now it's the only thing I'm sure of and all the other things surrounding it goes against it. I'm not even sure if i can handle seeing Ash crumble and more than that if my heart isn't going to break when that time comes. My mind was plagued with questions the moment i started thinking it through again..

'but i can't just change my plans... or can I?' I thought deep and hard.


	13. Book1:Chapter 11: I was, I am, I will be

Book One: Otherwise Cuffed To You

_Chapter 11: I was, I am, I will be (Part Three: Lift it Off My Shoulders)_

I pushed away the thoughts lingering in my mind regarding what I had to do later tonight. What I had planned seemed like a celebration anyway so I go on with it, that's for sure, as to it's, purpose that I'll have to deal with later.

Earlier, Addie contacted Evelyn and told her that she already picked up the necklace from Sloane, has confirmed with Petrus, and so with the flowers. Doubtful as always, I asked Addie to take a picture of the necklace and to send it to me, just to make sure that it was the right necklace and that it was truly with her, to which request she obliged. She supplied further that she will have it all set up in Britt's apartment and that I wouldn't have to worry about anything. Somehow knowing that what I had planned for my wife will go smoothly and without a hitch appeased me. It's funny that midst the confusion or bad situation it is still with my wife that I find peace and that it was her who can make me think straight midst the discombobulated events. All this is my fault, that's true, she might have been the reason for this and that she drove me to do this, but these women should have been the means of lifting off that weight upon my shoulders. I never thought that the time would come that they would be the one to bother me or cause me problems, something akin to what is happening now. Maybe, its just the consequence of all my previous actions. It's firing back at me and I'd have to dodged the bullets.

I told Evelyn to confirm with Ashley our date later tonight. After a while I heard my phone beep.

**x-x**

**From: B&W Ashley Hayes  
To: SPL**

**-I got your message.;*-  
-What would you have me wear?;*-  
-In and out, you're the boss of me, especially tonight.-**

**x-x**

I smiled and thought I could answer her safely without being too obvious as to my indifference.

**x-x**

**From: Santana Pierce-Lopez (JP BandW)  
To: Hayes**

**-Mmmm... I want you to wear your eyeglasses four-eyes.:p –  
-that's definitely a plus, we'll get discounts for your seniority.;p jk!:) LOL.-**

**x-x**

**From: B&W Ashley Hayes  
To: SPL**

**-Very funny.;p go ahead laugh your a** off.-  
-I'll make your jaw drop later.;)-  
-Can't wait to be with you.;*-**

**x-x**

**From: Santana Pierce-Lopez (JP BandW)  
To: Hayes**

**-Feisty.;) just be stunning.;) if we can't get discounts at least they'll turn their heads.;)-  
-I'll see you later.;)-  
-Go back to work.;)-**

**x-x  
**  
After my last text, Ashley did not reply she knows I'm serious when it's about work. I can't help but think she's gone hardy of letting her feelings known perhaps because this is part of pouring her heart out. She marked the threshold by saying those three words. She has let her guard down.

Moments like this when Ashley submits to me like this, this small moments is when I can't help thinking how good she has been to me. And how bad a person I might be to hurt her like that. Before she was defensive and very careful she knew this was just a game. We should just be having fun and not result to this drama. I can't even recall at what point it all changed.

At that time this all started she was cool. She found me attractive and vice versa and we just wanted to try it out with each other.

-0-  
_It was Mr. Ward's birthday and the party was packed with variety of people from different sectors of society. Everyone was invited, friends from the government, those which are off close association to our main man. Some of these men and women were his former classmates from law school, some his upper classmen, some well not necessarily friends but linkages made through the years of practice. Some former clients while some present clients. All of our major clients were invited those who had retained Bell and Ward to represent them of course. All of the members of the firm were invited. Associates, Junior Partners and non-lawyer employees of the firm were invited too. These events are perfect opportunity to mingle with prospective clients although without the pressure of closing the deal. Unlike the Client Call, you are expected to contribute to the firm's clientele. Either by renewal of retainer or a new client, yes we are not suppose to advertiseour services it's not that actually, we do not sell our services like pancakes. But we also have to open up our services to certain clients which cannot possibly reach us. It's also a means by which service maybe introduced via a newly welcomed member of the firm with a certain specialization. We have to evolve together with our clients. This is not advertising but rather, socialization if our service do make it across then that's just incidental._

_Married members like myself usually were invited as a couple. So my invitation extends to Britt and she was not here again. If these events didn't involve me in my professional capacity I wouldn't attend. If this was some reunion or birthday party of a common friend I wouldn't attend because for the past years I wouldn't have someone to actually be with me. The fact that i was married would haunt me all night with questions like 'where's your wife?' we haven't seen her, what does she do? I would really love to meet your wife one of these days' Those questions and comments which would remind me of how dysfunctional my marriage was. It's like i have this ghost of a wife which only I could see, but everyone in my circle knows i have one, its just that sometimes I just have to prove it. I couldn't bring the girls in these events, even as my date, for obvious reasons of course._

_Lucky for the three newbies a month into the firm, this being one of the firm's major events and the first event they had to attend. No pressure just socialize identify yourself with the firm. But really they're lucky my first event was the Client Call..Pressure enough that i had to build rapport and bank clients and impress them because it was the event's main thrust. But this tonight, just enjoy and they don't have to try too hard, like its practice._

_While i was at the bar taking a break from rubbing elbows and chit chatting with different clients and guests whom I've come to familiarize myself with years into Bell & Ward, I sipped my champagne whilst eyeing the crowd from a distance. This alone time wouldn't be happening had my wife been here. Such fact didn't go unnoticed by the nosey newbie Ashley Hayes._

"_Alone are we?" I heard a mocking voice from the left. There she was smoothly slid to my side._

"_Who? Are you? No date?" I retorted back with sarcasm. I tend to be defensive I don't wanna be asked these questions. It took me years to do away with the questioning but here is Hayes wanting to intrude my peace._

"_I didn't feel the need to bring one" She shot back defensively. "besides, I can go alone, nobody here expects me to bring someone, I'm not married or anything like that" 'Ouch! That's below the belt.' Did she really have to rub it in._

"_Well yeah that's true by the looks of it not so much can be expected from you" 'Right back at you b*tch' if there's one thing to irate someone as confident as her, that's telling her she doesn't have it all bluntly._

"_Aww, being all defensive" She was playfully vexing me. "Touchy subject, is it?" She continued to ask, narrowing an eye. I wondered how this woman can easily sense how i was feeling about this topic or did i really become too defensive. I had to say something._

"_What are you doing here anyway? Go mingle this is your chance. You may not have many." I told her attempting to veer away from the topic of my marriage._

_"I've done that, it's easy especially most of the guests are men." What she just said tends to be true, it's easier for us women to talk with the male clients since, they have fun talking to us and listening to what we have to say, I must say it's the charm and flirting. "I'm done for the night as to furthering professional matters. So right now, I'm attending to personal matters" I had to face her and give her a questioning look._

"_Personal matters?" I asked her. 'Personal matters I didn't quite get it'_

"_You don't really like me? do you Ma'am?" She was looking right back at me while she asked. I didn't quite know what to tell her, because i don't hate her, but i can't say i like her just yet, I just think she's full of herself._

"_Drop the ma'am Hayes were not working." I thought I'd even it out the girl clearly had issues with working with me if that's how she feels. "and for the record I do not not like you."_

"_That's good to know, but somehow that's how it appeared the first time we got introduced." I remember that time when i just walked out on her when she offered me her hand to shake the first time Mr. Bell introduced her to me._

"_Oh about that, it's just that i had an important call, it was urgent for me to take it." i told her. I didn't want her to feel that way but i think its good that she felt some nerves working with me._

"_I got a bit nervous when they told me i'll be under you" She admitted to me. "I felt a great amount of pressure to impress." She gave me a half smile and cocked her head a bit to the side. She's being all cute like a kid. "So i thought I'll approach you tonight in this relax atmosphere to clear the air."_

"_And you did that by telling me I'm alone and I should have my wife here?" I told her referring to the start of this conversation wherein she practically annoyed me. "Wise move to relieve the tension or build it, did you even think about it?" Sarcasm again laced my question. With such approach i could have gone all Lima Height on her._

"_But i did get your attention, and now you're still talking to me so i guess it's a success." She just smiled at me, a victorious one really._

"_well yeah, but really why didn't you bring your boyfriend or anyone for that matter?" I asked her, since our conversation is beginning to be comfortable._

"_I don't have one, i just broke up with my girlfriend." She emphasized the last word. I wasn't surprised though i felt that somehow._

"_so you like girls?" But i still did have to ask._

"_not strictly, i like both, it really depends on the person." She told me. Just as Britt used to say._

"_my wife used to tell me that too. She used to be bisexual." I told her._

"_used to be?" She asked._

"_yeah, since she married me then she's bound to me" i told her confidently. Of course Britt as of now is not bisexual._

"_Figures, but where is she? Can't be with you?" It wasn't prying just innocent asking._

" _She's still somewhere in Asia. Touring." I answered with emphasis on touring._

"_for how long? What does she do anyway?" She asked further._

"_Since we got married. She's a dancer for several prominent artists" I didn't want her to think that Britt was a so-so dancer. My wife's job was a prestigious one that's why it entails this sacrifice._

"_must be lonely..." she gave me a half smile.I don't know what had gotten into me but this girl can surely get me to talk._

"_you can't even imagine." I said in a barely whisper._

"_If i was her, i wouldn't entrust you to New York all alone." She stated with a smirk._

"_and why is that?" I asked scrunching my face a bit._

"_Most of the time its cold here, i bet it wouldn't hesitate to tap all the hotness that you are."_

_This time she gulped her wine to finish. She gazed at me and I can feel the heat in my cheeks._

_Suddenly are roles are reversed. How it happened I don't know. Before it was me who was scrutinizing her now it was me who was definitely intimidated. I can tell the girl was gaining confidence by the minute. The more we talk she gets more comfortable.  
I looked at her oddly not wanting to let out how I am melting under her gaze. She moved closer to me and whispered something into my ear._

_"Right now, I'm very cold and I'm not hesitating." I felt shivers down my spine._

-0-

Somewhere along the way it became different. But i remained guarded, although it did made me think at one point. She just has that effect on me, making me feel a lot of different emotions all at the same time. Like that first time, and that feeling never went away. It's like you're too confused about how you feel but you eventually give in ready for it to go either way, because you know whichever it is it will feel good in the end. It did feel good until now.

As soon as the clock struck four I left the office. I had to prepare. Not that i just wanted to look good, because i do, all the time, but i needed to prepare myself the whole of me. The impending hurt, either I cause it, or it'll hit me. I can definitely handle the latter more than the former, but I didn't want either, more so both. 'Am I ready for it?' I'm not sure.

I paced back and forth in my bedroom, still thinking of how tonight will go. 'should I go with the flow? Or should I tell her the first chance I get or after dinner or after the date' all the thoughts about tonight came pouring into my mind the moment I got into my car and started driving home.

Much as I want I cannot get myself to relax and it was already 5:30 although with my not cooperative nerves came my involuntary instinct to move and at least put together a good look.

I stood in front of my vanity mirror and eyed myself from head to foot. 'yup, at least I look good' I had a structured bandage monochrome, sleeveless, above the knee stretch dress. The bandage strips wrapped around accentuated the curves of my body. It was sexy but not revealing, decent, not aiming for seduction at all. This dress at least gives an option, would make the person think twice whether to tap this or not. I don't wanna give Ashley the impression that I was luring her because definitely that is not my purpose for tonight. Less inappropriate acts less guilt, i figured, at least for me.

I started pacing around again somewhat my mind's telling me that there's something I just have to pick up besides the shoes i'm currently slipping my newly pedicured feet into. After fully slipping it on I stood still for a minute trying to burrow further into my thoughts what I might be forgetting. Rather quickly before I can even grasp the thought my body somehow, moving on its own, I opened my drawer pulled it out and separated it from the set. I placed it in a spare box and threw it in my purse. I glanced at the clock it was 6:30 'already? Really?' with one last look in the mirror tossing my hair to the side brushing some of it away from my face and one last touch of red on my lips, I hurriedly left my house.

I arrived at the restaurant ahead of Ash. By now my nerves wouldn't leave me in peace. I don't know what was better is it that I arrived ahead of because I still had time to dwell of my confusion and or would I have rather arrived later then I would have no time to think about this. I guess it's of no use now since I already did arrive first and I'm here waiting.

I immediately went inside and asked the hostess for my reservation. She gladly escorted me to Bellecour. The room was perfect. Filled with the blue tulips i specifically asked to be placed therein. I asked for a rather cozy table. I didn't want us to be so far yet from each other while i set the mood for something not so pleasant. The table was set and candle lit. while a few more lights lit the room. The dim light from the chandelier and wall lamps surround us with a golden glow of warm light. Blue and canary yellow just like an impressionist painting. It's a good thing i was a regular that all my request were granted by the place and its good that Evelyn knows me well, I'm pretty sure I couldn't have done better myself without her unrelenting assistance.

Then again I asked myself 'is this too much for a break up?' For now i won't focus on the purpose. I'll enjoy the rest of the night til' i feel like it was the right moment. 'Go with the flow' Yes, that's what i should do with the specific goal of not letting this night pass not having done anything about this, because i knew if I let this pass, it's gonna take a long time before I will be able to have the opportunity to plan... to do this again.

A few more minutes and i hear footsteps walking towards the Bellecour. I stood myself up and i noticed that i still had my coat on. I waited for the door to open and expected Ashley to enter any second now.

When the door finally swung open, there she was, my lady. I eyed her from the bottom in her pointed stilettos that complimented her bony feet, but lift her legs making it longer than it usually is. She was a bit taller than i was but tonight it was useless that i had few inches on me since she too has them, she was still taller. My eyes lingered on her perfect tan, making her skin appear creamier, with a shimmer that can't be missed in the right spots where the light hits her skin. She was in white backless cut out dress, with a plunge v- front and jewel embellished panel on the waist. It wowed me, she looks divine definitely fitting right into the impressionistic scene surrounding us.

When i finally looked at her face she was staring back at me but doesn't move. I tilted my head to the side and narrowed my eyes at her. Wondering why she still hasn't moved. Handing her coat to the server holding out the door for her, she pulled something out of her coat. She gave me a funny look but i can't quite understand what it was for. She raised her eyebrow and held out a black thing on her hand from her coat. Her free hand reached for the thing and opened it. There it was, as I requested. I saw her hands rise to her eyes. She now wore her granny eyeglasses. The black frame thick rimmed glasses as i requested. I shook my head a little at her humor and stifled a laugh. She flashed me a toothy grin. Contrary to the previous times i've seen her wore those glasses, the amazing look she has on tonight and the humor that came with it made her more adorable in my eyes. I forgot the confusion and the thoughts that had bothered me a few hours back. I figured we can enjoy the night let it pass without thinking of the things i had to do. To savor the moments we still had while it last. Right now is not the time. 'Could i possibly hurt that adorable geeky looking hottie in front of me?, right now is not the time to do that.'

I took the steps towards her without saying a word, I just looked at her with complete adoration. As i stood closer in front of her, she seemed to wait for me to speak but I just smiled.

"What?" she asked me while she move her face nearer to mine while she furrowed her brows and her grin not leaving her face. I shook my head and eyed her upward. I'm trying to contain the laughter that should have escaped my mouth moments ago. Instead i smiled again bigger this time.

"I don't believe i've found you more adorable with those glasses than you are right now." I told her. I took her hands into mine and lifted my head to place a chaste kiss on her full red lips which she gladly welcome opening hers a bit to press her into mine. "Happy 7th month" I whispered to her lips. After we part I pressed my lips together tasting the remnants of the sweetness of hers. I freed her left hand and stepped to the side of her and gestured to the scene now in front of us "Welcome my lady!" she squeezed my hand and placed another kiss on my cheek. To which i scrunched my face a bit knowing that a red mark was now on my cheek, which she immediately wiped off with her cold thumb.

I led her to the four sided table in the middle of the room. As we tread the way to that, Ash gazed at the blue tulips lining our way. Seeing as it is, she loved them, being that, it is her favorite flower. I picked one from the bunch like how I would pick the same from a garden and held it in my hand. We approached the table and near her seat, I let go of her hand and pulled it out for her as she wait. When I had fully done so, she tilted her head to the side looking at me sheepishly and softly said.

"thank you!" she took her seat and I pushed it a bit forward to let her settle in her position. She eyed me as I went around the table to take my own, still holding the single tulip in my hand. When I was finally sitting across from her, facing her, I held the flower infront of her and handed it to her. She smiled as she reached for it. Holding it between her fingers she held it near her nose to smell it. I decided to chime in with a joke.

"you do know tulips are not the sweet smelling type of flowers that you have to actually smell right?" I smirked. It was true these flowers are not like roses they just smell fresh. I don't know even know why she went for that move. Maybe it was instinctive or she was just so focused on eye-f*cking with me being that we have been staring at each other since our eyes landed upon the other, and she got lost in her thoughts.

"you just totally ruined the moment. I just thought it was sweet that you handed me this" emphasizing her point by dangling the flower in the air. 'god she's adorable' I just love pissing her off knowing that it won't last long. "and besides I like the freshness I'm able to take in from it." she retorted defensively that earned a healthy soft laugh from me.

"I'm just stating a fact and besides you're cute when you're defensive."

"I don't know what I should say to that but thanks." she said while she stuck her tongue out a bit at me. Silence fell upon us but we continued to look at each other.

"shall we start? Are you hungry?" I asked her curiously wanting to start dinner.

"starving" she smiled again which I returned. I motioned for the host assigned to us exclusively to come towards me. I whispered for him to have the wine brought in, the one I had specifically ordered being it's Ashley's favorite which he kindly did ask for the waiter to serve. When Ashley saw this, she furrowed her brows.

"I'm impressed, wait no I'm very impressed" knowing it wasn't easy to find the same, I'm more than thankful to my favorite restaurant that they have it for tonight. But I just have to brag about it.

"I do what I can." I winked at her while I cocked my head to the side.

As we ate our meal we got to talk about work matters. I discussed the case files which I have reviewed earlier that Ashley has carefully studied. As I continued our chatter, I noticed her smiling while she devoured the the wild lambsquarter with chorizo which followed her appetizer of tai snapper ceviche with cucumber vinaigrette.

"why do you like chorizo? I never liked that thing ever." I told her. I wanted to order something else for her but I knew she loved it.

"it plays with my taste buds bringing attention to each" she told me her smiled not leaving her face. I pouted at her, not really convinced. Her smiled turned into a half smile. She cut another chorizo. I lowered my face as I continue to cut into my Alaskan salmon.

"here try it" I heard her say. I lift my head and saw that she was dangling the chorizo near my mouth. At first I refused to take it.

"please... just one" after she said it I obliged and took it in my mouth. Surprisingly so, the chorizo tasted differently from my previous experience of it. Upon tasting that it was actually good, I can't help the smile that crept on to my face as I chew on it and realized that what she said was true it actually was playing with my taste buds. My smile didn't go unnoticed by Ash.

"i'm right huh?" she asked feeling victorious. I nodded. She was again cutting another piece and fed it to me.

We continued with our previous conversations on work but I was from time to time interrupted by the constant feeding that Ashley was doing as I speak and continued to speak eventually even with a mouth full of chorizo. Not very ethical but I guess it was sweet. She's such a kid but I become one too while I'm around her.

As we finished our dessert, Ashley fed me the last of the scoop of citrus marinated strawberry gelee. I then gestured for the waiter to serve us both with water to wash down the sweetness of the dessert and even out our palettes to neutrality.

The dessert being the last of the dinner this date is almost over and I knew i had to deal with what all this was really for. This is it, I had to bring out the things i brought with me to give to her to have a start at it. I contemplated what of the two things i was holding was better to hand to her as I start this. This was worse than ruining the moment about smelling the tulip. I pulled the box and the bangle case and eyed both on my lap. I chose the box.

"Ash" I called out to her to get her attention since she was still eyeing the room and listening to the violinist playing a slow lulling tune which the host had brought in, having he had suggested it to me earlier seeing that some music will complete the ambiance. Upon hearing my voice, she turned her head to face me.

"yes?" she asked me beaming.

"ah I-" I was about to start my introduction for the thing i wanted to give her when I heard my phone buzzing.

Ashley was waiting for me to continue but seeing that my phone has interrupted me, she told me that I should check and look at the phone. I looked at my phone it was a message from Addie.

**x-x**

**From Addie Benton  
To: SPL**

**-mrs. I've brought your wife home-  
-Sorry it's a bit late-  
-we went out for some drinks-  
- she enjoyed dinner-  
-everything is set in her apartment-**

**x-x**

After reading the message I didn't care to reply it was enough that I know that everything went smoothly and that Britt enjoyed it. I closed my phone and faced Ashley again.

"who was that?" Ashley asked.

"Evelyn" I told her. I lied. I don't like her to inquire why Addie was texting me.

"what about? Problem?" she asked this time she narrowed her eyes.

"not important. She's just asked about a meeting tomorrow" I told her with a bit of details so she won't inquirer further. And I was right, that seemed to have appeased her however, she continued to speak.

"you were saying?" she urged me to continue from when I was interrupted.

"as I was saying I wa-" I was cut again by a buzzing from my phone. I held my hand to Ash gesturing for her to wait. To which she nodded. I held my phone and opened it to see who it was this time. It was a message and it was from Britt. I opened it.

**x-x**

**From: Mrs. Santana Pierce-Lopez  
To: Mrs. Brittany Pierce-Lopez**

**-you're so sneaky -  
-you should be punished. ;)-  
-kiss.;*-**

**x-x**

I smiled as I read the text. To this text I had to reply. My thoughts of tonight's purpose now was clearer

**x-x**

**From: Mrs. Brittany Pierce-Lopez  
To: Mrs. Santana Pierce-Lopez**

**- hi babe!;*-  
-did you like it?-**

**x-x**

This time I turned my phone to silent mode. I knew another reply would come from Britt but I didn't want the phone buzzing loudly it would make Ashley more curious. I looked at Ashley and she gave me a questioning look.

"Evelyn again?" she asked

"yeah" I lied again.

"Are you done now? She asked in a very patient tone. This time i felt the phone vibrate again.

"almost" I held a finger up gesturing again for her to wait.

**x-x**

**From: Mrs. Santana Pierce-Lopez  
To: Mrs. Brittany Pierce-Lopez**

**-are you kidding?;p-  
-I loved it-  
-I'm trying it on right now-**

**x-x**

I couldn't help feeling proud that she loved the necklace and I personally chose it this time. I pressed in another reply but I had to end the conversation.  
**  
x-x**

**From: Mrs. Brittany Pierce-Lopez  
To: Mrs. Santana Pierce-Lopez**

**-I'm glad you loved it babe-  
-Addie told me you went out for drinks after dinner-  
-you must be tired, you should rest-  
-I love you-kiss;*-**

**x-x**

I knew Britt was tired and I wanted her to rest and finish this thing with Ashley, so much as I still want to talk to her, I'd do that tomorrow besides what I'm doing now is for her. I closed my phone and placed it on the table.

"so where were we?" I asked Ashley.

"You were about to say something" she told me with brows raised.

"oh right! So as I was saying-" my phone vibrated again. I chose not to check it might be Britt saying goodnight. I really have to finish this speech for Ashley. This time I reached for her hand across the table and held it in mine.

"I .. I wanted to -" this time my phone vibrated again and it was continuous. I sighed and let go of her hand. I gave her a half smile and took the phone. She again turned her attention back to the violinist.

I opened my phone and it was from Britt. There were five messages and one phone call.

**x-x**

**From: Mrs. Santana Pierce-Lopez  
To: Mrs. Brittany Pierce-Lopez**

**-I don't want to sleep-  
-I missed you-**

**x-x**

I beamed as I read the text. I missed her too. But I decided to read all the text before I replied. I went and scan all the other messages.

**x-x**

**From: Mrs. Santana Pierce-Lopez  
To: Mrs. Brittany Pierce-Lopez**

**-San.. I'm wearing the necklace right now -;D**

**x-x**

It's Britt wanting attention. She's usually is not like this perhaps she had too much to drink.

**x-x**

**From: Mrs. Santana Pierce-Lopez  
To: Mrs. Brittany Pierce-Lopez**

**-it's the only thing I'm wearing-  
- I Want you .;D-**

**x-x**

My eyes widened as j read the text. Now I know she is drunk. All needy and eager. Not to mention sexting. We've never done sexting. Perhaps this is the first time Britt has done this. I can feel droplets of sweat forming on my forehead and heat building up within me just thinking of my wife naked on her bed. Nevertheless I continued to scan the next message.

**x-x**

**From: Mrs. Santana Pierce-Lopez  
To: Mrs. Brittany Pierce-Lopez**

**-San...I want to feel you-  
-I feel so hot right now babe..-**

**x-x**

Reading the text I instinctively swallowed an invisible lump in my throat. 'this can't be happening right now' how can I possibly properly go through this with Ashley when here is my wife sexting me and making me feel all sorts of aroused. Had I been home and not out tonight I would have had myself in the same position as her succumbing to her requests. But this is important and it's for her. I scanned through the last message.

**x-x**

**From: Mrs. Santana Pierce-Lopez  
To: Mrs. Brittany Pierce-Lopez**

**-ANSWER THE PHONE-**

**x-x**

With that last text I knew I had to do more than replying. Britt does not do all upper case. This means something, something serious. I stood up and placed the box and the bangle case on my chair. I tapped Ashley on the shoulder to which she immediately turned.

"I have to make this call, it's my dad" I had to lie again. I can't tell her it's Britt it's gonna hurt her. I don't want an added source of guilt.

"Okay." she just smiled and turned to face the violinist again.

I hurriedly went to the powder room. I dialed Britt's number and almost immediately she picked up. I called out to her.

"Babe..?" I spoke through the mouthpiece. There was no response. I asked again.

"Babe... Are you there?" I clarified.

"ahhhh... San you feel so good..." There she was in a sultry seductive sexy voice. I was startled she has actually started and luring me into participation.

"Britt you're killing me here I'm in a meeting babe" I told her in a voice of defeat.

"Where are you'?" She asked. I guess she snapped back to reality and out of her sex daze after hearing that I'm in a meeting.

"I'm in a restaurant" I stifled a bit of a laugh. She was taken aback by the fact that I was in a public place.

"oh? Even as you are talking to me right now?" my wife is too cute for words just moments ago she was on a high of arousal and now here she was talking in a straight forward manner perhaps she was even taken out from her drunken state.

"nope, i went to the powder room, it was too loud in there." I told her in a giddy tone. I actually felt relieved in here talking to Britt and not being under Ash's scrutiny.

"So, is that for one or for many at a time type of powder room?" Her voice was laced with naughtiness. I'm wishing she's not actually thinking what i think she wants me to do. But it wasn't a totally bad idea I'm alone now in here, i guess i don't want to disappoint my wife. But our first time on the phone, in a somewhat public restroom, that's definitely new.

"It's for one, and we were just summing up when you called." I told her with excitement. I can even hear her laugh. A wild grin spread on my face.

"So tell me, what you're wearing? Because I definitely don't have anything to describe anymore." I can feel her getting excited on the other line of what I was to say, and heat was rising in the rather small powder room. If it was possible at that moment, I'd put up a don't disturb sign on the knob right outside the door.

I hung up after making sure Britt was tired and fast approaching slumber. I freshened up and looked at my watch. It took a good 20 minutes. It was fun. It didn't take too long perhaps Britt was too turned on already by the new experience. Me, I did just enough to keep up with her.

After i had fixed myself completely, I immediately made my way back to Ashley. There she was still listening intently and watching the violinist. This time she was requesting some songs from him. She might have felt i was back because right then when i got settled in my seat she turned to face me.

"Finally. So is everything okay?" She asked with worry again.

"Yeah, you know, Papa can be much of a talker sometimes." I told her with the reasoning she wouldn't know how to question.

"I'm glad, you did take too long, a few more minutes and i would think you left me." She rolled her eyes at her own comment. The last string of words that escaped her lips rung over and over in my head 'til i thought of a coherent thought to say back to her.

"So as I was saying and I haven't forgotten this time.." This time I held on to the bangle case. The box can wait. I can't do it now, the timing was off since i left her hanging for the calls and the texts. "I held her hand in mine and raise my hand that was holding the bangle case. "I wanted to give you this." I handed her the bangle case.

She reached for the casing and raised one eyebrow at me. "what's this?" She asked.

"Just open it." I told her while grinning.

"Hmm" She made a sound as she opened the casing. When it was fully opened I chimed in.

"Happy 7th month my lady!" What i just said, i figured i might lead her on but at this moment i just had to say it.

"Aww Santana you didn't have to." She took the bangle out. "This might have cost you a lot." She added as she held the bangle up. "You know i'm not one for material gifts." She placed it back on the case and closed it. "This dinner is too much, I can't accept this bangle." She handed it back to me.

"No, its not too much" I took the casing and opened it immediately. "It's a gift." I pulled out the bangle. I went around and went to her side with the bangle in my hand. "You deserve it." I pulled her by the wrist and slipped the bangle on it. I moved back to my seat. I held her hand with the bangle and squeezed it softly. "Thank you... for everything." I rubbed my thumb over her hand for emphasis. I hope she gets a hint at least with my last words of what is about to happen. But she smiled at me while squeezing my hand back. I guess not.

After we downed the last drop of our wine, I paid for everything and we agreed it was time to go home. After i stood up from my seat i grabbed the small box from my lap and slipped it into my coat's pocket. It was my last resort to do this. The purpose of this night will be determined by this small box I'm carrying in my pocket. I knew it any opportunity before this night ends, i had to take it, otherwise i lose the chance, I'll keep leading her on and I'll keep betraying Britt.

I lead Ashley to my car and opened the door for her. She smiled again before sliding in. I went to my side and let myself in. This night is almost over.

The drive to Ashley's apartment was longer than usual. I drove slowly perhaps wanting to stretch the time I had left. There was silence all throughout the drive. I can feel Ash felt happy and peaceful. I can sense it while she sat beside me wrapped around my free arm , her hand intertwined in mine while she rest her head on my shoulder. Perhaps for Ash the night was almost perfect. I can feel it in her breathing while she placed soft kisses on the base of my earlobe. I was feeling the total opposite, my nerves were getting the best of me, knowing that what i had to do was fast approaching as we get nearer to our destination. I just hope my nerves do not translate to her. Thankfully seeing that she remained unmoved and was even pressing closer to me, i guess it isn't.

I put the car to a halt. I parked the car right in front of Ashley's apartment. 'car or door, car or door' was the thought that I was internally struggling with in my mind. But I was coherent enough to tell Ashley to wait while I open her door to which she blushed making her place a soft kiss on my cheek. I exit the car to get Ashley's door for her. I stopped midway near the trunk and pulled the little box that I have secured in my pocket. 'Door, just before she enters.' That was my final resolve, perhaps do it before she invites me in. I stared at the box for a couple more seconds before i continue to walk to the passenger side.

-0-

_We arrived at Ashley's apartment after a day's work. We were tired. For the past weeks, I've been staying the night for more than three or so days. I've been hanging out here far more than my quiet lonely empty house. This time it wasn't for a show like with Roni. Due to the cases we've been working on together, Ashley being under my supervision this affords us more time to work on the hard cases and some play time. Previous to this and also by reason of the former, I've gotten used to picking Ashley up on the way to work and so I had to take her home that eventually ends up with me sleeping over. So by this time I was used to this. I dropped my portfolio bag on the couch and kicked my shoes by the door. As Ashley does the same, she then puts her hair in a bun, head to the kitchen and puts on her apron as a head start to preparing dinner for us. I followed her. With her back faced to me. I wrapped my arms around her waist and spoke into her ear._

"_I'll just change into something more comfy, then I'll set the table okay?" I told her. She turned her head to face me and pecked me on the lips and I rested my chin on her shoulder._

"_I'll do that, you just rest, I know how tired you are." She told me. "I'll just call you when dinner's ready." She added. I then placed a soft kiss on her cheek, nodded and pulled away. I made my way to her room. I entered the room and went straight to the drawers to pull out some sweat shorts and an oversized t-shirt to change into. After i did, I made my way to the bed and laid on my stomach. I was really too tired._

_I woke up to the scrambling sounds in the room. I didn't even realize I fell asleep. I slowly opened my eyes and turned my head to the side. I saw Ash stripping herself off of her work clothes and slipping into some sweats and spaghetti strapped top. She might have felt i was awakened_

"_Oh did I wake you?" She asked me worried that she has disturbed me from my slumber._

"_Nah" I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. "Have you eaten?" I asked her, I might have been asleep too long and missed dinner._

"_I was just about to tell you its ready, I just thought I change first." She answered pointing to her change of clothes._

"_Let's eat?" I asked. I dragged myself out of the bed, swinging my feet to its side._

"_Before it gets cold" She reiterated and held me by the wrist and pulled me up and out of the room._

_After dinner, we decided to get to work, to finish it as soon as possible, so that tomorrow when we get to work it would be all set._

_We were sitting on her bed with papers scattered all over it. A file in both our hands, to each her own. Reading through it and with a pen on our other hand, marking the important things we needed to remember. Ashley dropped her pen and file and skipped out of the bed. I didn't mind maybe she was just gonna get something. She went to the closet and scanned through it. She pulled out some clothes and hung it on the closet door. She again scanned through the closet and then called out to me._

"_White or gray?" I heard her ask. I lift my head to see that she was holding out two of my work suits. I furrowed my brows._

"_White" I replied pointing to the white suit on the left with my pen. I dropped my gaze back to the file I was reading. I can hear her go through the drawers and a juggling of keys. I then felt a dip on the bed as Ashley sat herself back. She then slipped her hand between my eyes and the file i was reading. In her hand was a key. I titled my head to the side and looked at her._

_"What's that?" I curiously asked her._

"_Your key. I forgot to give it to you last time. But i had it made a few days back it was finished two days ago but forgot to give it." She told me without looking at me or moving from her position._

"_for what?" I continued to ask._

"_To the apartment, so you can let yourself in, in case I'm not with you." She remained focus on her reading._

"_Ash.." I scowled. I guess it didn't feel right. It's not like I'm moving in or something._

"_Santana... mi casa su casa." She finally looked at me and kissed my cheek. I scrunched my face and then looked around the room._

_It was our picture on her bedside table. My perfume sat next to hers on her dresser. Some of my work suits hang in her now open closet. This clothes I'm wearing just came from that lower drawer._

_So I guess I can accept the key._

_That night I guess everything did change._

-0-

I pulled the passenger door open, letting Ashley out of the car. I offered my hand to her and closed it when she was finally out. She dragged me to the steps leading to the door. She inserted the key into the keyhole and it clicked. She turned the knob and was about to open the door when I suddenly muttered something under my breath that got her attention.

"What?" She lowered her head while she asked.

"I said wait." I told her but my gaze was fixed on the floor.

"Why?" She asked again.

"I wanted to give you something" Still my gaze was directed downwards but this time it landed on my pocket.

"Santana, that's enough gifts for one night. Besides you can just give it to me upstairs." After she said that she faced the door again her heels turning to finally walk into the door with my hand still in hers.

"No, it can't wait." I squeezed her hand a little tighter. "I wanted to give you this" Pulling the box out of my pocket. I handed it to her.

"What is it this time?" She narrowed her eyes at me and then she gazed on the box while she opened it. When she sees it, she paused. "What's this?"

"It's your key " I said almost under my breath again. Knowing that is not actually what she meant, but I did not want to explain.

"I can see that" She said. Her words were rather breathy somewhat with sarcasm. "And If i should clarify, why are you giving it back?" She added. But before i can even reply she continued "Did you have it duplicated?" her voiced was laced with nervousness and it was obvious she was trying to hide it in the innocent last statement she made.

"Ash..." I blurted in a tired voice. I knew she had the idea in her mind but she just wanted to press me to say it out loud.

"Tell me what it means Santana" It sounded like a request, her voice was somehow trembling.

"We can't do this anymore." I didn't know what to say, but somehow, the words just escaped my lips.

"What? What can't we do anymore?" She asked again. This time she squeezed my hand which she was holding in hers tighter. It was then i realized we haven't let go of each other in the midst of this.

"Everything" I replied. Somehow i didn't want to elaborate but that one word, I guess, would sum it all up.

"I can't believe this... the night was perfect...and now... this is happening." She said it in a voice engulfed in disbelief and was tremulous. She was looking up, perhaps not wanting the tears to fall. I lifted my head up as I realized I needed to look at her, hoping she would see my sincerity in this and how i felt about her. Eventually she dropped her gaze and stared at me. We were staring back at each other. Her eyes were lined with tears threatening to fall and I can feel mine getting misty. She looked at me straight in the eyes and continued to ask "Was it the trip?". I did not speak. I did not respond. I didn't look away. I just squeezed her hand tightly in mine. A tear fell from her eye and made its way, flowing down her cheek.

I didn't say a thing, I guess, it was instinct, I didn't want a tear to fall from those almond eyes. I reached for her cheek and wiped it away.

I took a step upwards and let my hand fall to her neck. I pulled her into my embrace. I dropped her hand that I was holding and let my hand fall on her back. I hugged her tightly and whispered to her ear.

"You deserve better than this. Don't cry those tears for me."

I heard her sob. I held her tighter. But her sobs became louder.

"I don't think I can Santana" I heard her say to my ear as her sobs became softer and her breathing evened out. She pulled away, held my cheeks in her hands and looked me in the eye.

"But I'm gonna try... really hard" she closed her eyes as she let the words escape her lips. She forced a smile through her sobs and tears. She lift her lips to my forehead and placed a soft kiss on it. Then it moved to my lips. She let her lips press into mine, this time for much longer. Both of our eyes were closed. Her lips had no movements just its mere touch against mine as she whispered into my lips "I love you".

Immediately after, she let go of my cheeks and let her hands fall to her sides. She turned her back to me and entered the door to her building. I opened my eyes as i felt the winds created by her swift movements.

At that moment, as the door closes slowly, I saw Ash walk away from me.

I whispered into thin air.

"i loved you too".


	14. Book1: Chapter 12: A Piece of Her

Book One: Otherwise Cuffed To You

_Chapter 12: A Piece of Her_

-0-

_There's no easy way to break somebody's heart. Always._

_Tonight I realized that. I prepared for it and very well if I may add. I even doled out a healthy sum to make it special. I thought that if I made the night special it would ease and smooth the way to what I wanted to do. It did, no doubt it did. I picked the simplest words to say to express what I feel and what I wanted to happen and made my actions minimal and not overly dramatic as to strip the moment of sincerity. To top it all up the intention behind all of it was to make things right, to correct mistakes to stop the betrayal and to give another the opportunity to actually be happy._

_That's the irony of things. Even with me doing all that, it did not prevent me from hurting Ashley. It wasn't able to stop the tears from falling from those transparent windows to her soul._

_Everything I did tonight translates to one fact and one fact alone, I made a choice and I chose to hurt her._

_I walked away from the apartment door I've bumped into and have opened too many times in the past 7 months. I watched it shut to my face I did not see just another person simply shrugging her shoulders and moving on from what we had. Neither did I see just a fling ending as the door close nor a gullible person crying away and cursing as having been victimized by my ministrations and false promises. Instead what I saw was a heart full of love and hope but was bleeding profusely._

_If I had to choose on how Ashley would have taken what happened tonight, I would have chosen that she shoved me, slapped me back and forth non-stop because she was mad and I made her so. I'd rather have her curse me and hate me and tell me I'm the worst person she has ever met and that she hopes I'd just fall in front of her and die._

_I'd even take it better if she had me choose and gave me an ultimatum. To threaten to out me and ruin my marriage. To give me no options and blackmail me and rally for what she wanted._

_But she did none of those things. Like the first of many times we've been together when this affair started she kept her promise to keep this going on 'til the time I say I don't need it anymore or that it's over. Tonight when I gave the word she obliged. She granted me my wish. She didn't give me a hard time explaining. There was no need to come up with alibis to make up reasons because she didn't ask._

_How I wish so much that I could hate her. That tonight she should have shown another side of her that I never knew. I wanted to be surprised that she just pretended to be someone else around me all this time. I would have preferred that she is a different person from what I've come to know and cared about and hate her and make me think I did the right thing because she is an awful person._

_But she wasn't. She remained to be the person that I took the time to know and how she became better with the passing of time. The one who was able to make me care. The person who took the time to understand me and to know me beyond the physical satisfaction and fun we were providing each other. Most importantly, through all that, she waited and worked her way to make me care. With that, she was successful. I cannot particularly point a finger on how every girl is different or similar from the other, I can only say Ashley was different._

_I felt everything she had to give and was not afraid to give it. Somehow, that fact alone made me not afraid to reciprocate. We gambled and she was all in but I folded. When time came and the roles were reversed she could have won she had a winning hand but she folded and let me win. She gambled with no intention of winning. I gambled with all these girls and circumstances knowing full well I would always win because I have no real bets. But with Ashley, although she didn't really know, for the first time, if only I had not decided to do what's right and not to take my heart from Britt, I was willing to bet on her even if the stakes were high._

_Tonight, I didn't drive immediately home. I drove endlessly wanting to drown a feeling which I cannot understand. Its not that i refused to understand or absorb. I felt like I just lost something, I know where to find it, but I cannot just go there to claim it back. More like I've exchanged it. Sometimes you want to have your cake and eat it too right. But reality is, you can't. Its either you have it or you eat it. Can't be too greedy. The feeling of being both selfish and selfless at the same time is something I think I will never understand. But I'm sure about one thing I knew the right thing to do. And tonight that's what I chose. I'm happy I made that choice it just sucks that it comes with consequences I did not want to face._

_Just when my foot stepped on the brake, I looked out to see, now I was back home.  
_  
-0-

Two days after the night I dreaded. Fate was probably saving me from a lot more guilt- ridden moments. I made my way through the office prepared with the unexpected awkwardness of seeing Ash. Thankfully I haven't had that encounter. Perhaps my lucky stars were being extra nice. I didn't make any adjustments to my daily routine. I came to the office as usually as I did at least for the past two days. But I didn't see her, at least not face to face just yet.

Even before I made this decision I figured how it will be after it actually happened. How my office life is gonna change, is something I have pictured. And definitely its gonna be hard. But here I am jotting down notes and reading. Taking a few calls from clients. Peacefully sitting at my desk as normally as I would. Well without the trips to the quaint little office a few doors away as part of my day. But I'm happy with this normal so far. On second thought, perhaps its not my lucky stars, perhaps its that person from that quaint little office who is making things easy for me, and normal for herself. 'thank you' an internal grateful phrase popped out from my head.

Communications though were unavoidable. Ashley, being first and foremost under my supervision, I needed to talk about things with her. Not personally at least. Thank god for assistants. Mine was the most dependable of all. I did not need any personal encounters and not even need to exit my office. This has been a sanctuary. Evelyn would never let me leave. Even my lunch came to my office. The past two days has not been days for client meetings which was convenient.

More than being an assistant, Evelyn was definitely a good bodyguard if ever i needed one. I had been startled by her voice through the intercom, these past two days asking me if I'll be leaving in a few minutes after the clock strikes 5:30 pm or earlier around 4:30. And when I exit my office i find her right outside. There would just be the two of us left in the grandeur office space of Bell and Ward. I knew what she was up to. Everybody left at around 4:30 to 5:00 pm. The bosses at 4:30 and well the associates at 5:00 by that she means, Ashley would be out just about that same time. She didn't want to say it to me directly and i wouldn't tell her i knew what she was doing, i'm just thankful she was considerate enough and even more to wait for me.

She is such a savior, but not a very subtle one. Just a while ago, I was just coming back to my office after I was summoned by Mr. Bell to talk about a case he was handling asking me for my opinion on it and to help him research on it. I strutted my way to my office fully relaxed. Seeing that there was no impending danger of an awkward encounter, the halls were empty of people anyways.

But i was surprised when Evelyn met me halfway. Turned me back to the other direction almost pushing me to the glass door, she specifically told me she thinks that i needed to relax and that i should sit back on my desk and that she will be right back with my favorite cup of coffee. I was puzzled since i was pretty sure that there was no threat at all when i stepped outside Mr. Bell's office. But as I turn my head to the glass door, there she was. A flash of brunette hair and ivory skin fully cloth in the ensemble of office attire I've seen her in too many times, passing by my office. I blinked my eyes close and when i opened them again, she was gone. I pictured her turning left and eyeing me from outside the office and soon after entering that door but she didn't. I let out a breath and sighed. Until Evelyn entered with a cup of coffee as she has promised. I let my back fall to rest on the chair, playing with my pen with both my hands just mere inches away from my lips.

Evelyn placed the cup safely on my desk and stood firmly after doing so. I didn't dismiss her just yet. I placed the pen on top of my desk and put my hands together.

"Did you know she was in the hallway when you approached me?" I asked her while still looking straight to the glass door.

"I saw her go to Mrs. Eleanor's office. And when i heard two doors swung open i figured you might have been out right at the same time." She answered, her gaze still on the floor.

"Good save..." I told her smirking and smiling with my gaze still on the glass door.

"I do what i can boss, i feel you" she retorted back with a smile creeping onto her face. Her last remark made me let out a somewhat sad laugh.

"You do huh?.. so how do you think she's been these days?" I knew for a fact she feels for me. We're buddies like that. She adjusts to my mood and like an older sister or a mother she knows how i feel.

"Of course, been in the job long enough, first rule is to know the boss, and i can read you like the back of my hand. She's been odd. I think somewhat she's been avoiding me too." She told me with certainty in her voice.

"Why do you think so? I mean...like how?" I asked her my voice softened i wondered how Ashley acted around Evelyn, since in the past she had definitely become comfortable around her, like they're friends, because she knows Evelyn knew, and she helped them, helped us.

"Well the other day when you told me to tell her to look over the files I went over to her office to convey your message" She looked at me waiting for a reaction but I just nodded urging her to continue.

"After she told me I could come in, I brought the files over to her desk, she told me that she would do as I've instructed, without even a glance at me, she just kept her head down. She looked really busy and then I left her office." she told me cautiously.

"anything more?" I asked her eager to know if Ashley showed anymore signs of awkwardness towards her.

"When we shared the elevator for lunch. She still wouldn't talk to me, she just stared forward and when I tried to get her attention she just glanced at me and her lips curled a bit, but she hurriedly walked out." she recounted in a less reserved narration.

Perhaps as she relayed bits of it she can feel I needed to know and that I can handle the small details until I get the big picture. The thing about Ashley is that she was never shy. She may be scared but never shy. Hence, I cannot mistake her actuations towards Evelyn for shyness. Ashley would try her best to ease an awkward moment and keep everything normal, but the Ashley being conveyed to me by Evelyn definitely was not the Ashley I know. She was always transparent, but that Ashley seems like someone who is hiding. Someone who doesn't want Evelyn to be able to read her.

I couldn't blame her really, perhaps she was masking what she feels. I don't want to gauge how deeply hurt she was I just know how it felt for me, and considering that and how much she has given me, I could just imagine perhaps it's ten times worst. I do not condemn her actions towards my assistant whom she have grown accustomed to. I don't have the right to question her. But I couldn't help wondering how it would be like if it would be me. I guess I don't want to know at least not yet.

After a moment of silence I was snapped out of my daze when Evelyn coughed out a low growl getting my attention.

"I should get back to work now ma'am" she told me reluctantly. I nodded and smiled at her. I went back to reading again.

I was scanning my shelf for a compilation of jurisprudence which I needed to read and include in the pleading I needed to prepare when the intercom buzzed revealing Evelyn's voice.

"Ma'am are you there? Are you decent?" she called out to me. I furrowed my brows surprised by the question. I walked over to my desk and pressed the button on the device to speak.

"when was I ever not decent?" I asked sarcastically. I cannot recall a time when I wasn't decent ever.

"that's not what I meant ma'am are you not busy? Are you not resting?" she replied more elaborate this time.

"oh... I was just reading. why?" understanding her better I wanted to know why she asked me in the first place.

"may I enter?" she asked again. This time she sounded reluctant.

"Sure. just come in" I told her nonchalantly. However, I wondered why did she need the long speech before asking me.

" that's the other thing, can you open the door for me? I'm afraid I won't be able to push it open..." what she just said really puzzled me, considering how easy it was to open a glass door.

I scoffed and gave her my agreement. I marched to the door and pulled it open. When it was fully opened, there I saw Evelyn cradling three boxes in her arms, grasping strings of about eight shoe pouches and on the other hand a bunch of clothing on hangers. She immediately walked past me and dropped the things carefully on my office couch. She separated each from the other as previously classified and laid down the things neatly. I placed a hand on my hip and narrowed my eyes on her. I proceeded to question her.

"what are these?" I pointed to the things and raised an eyebrow as I asked

"hmmm... that's why I was asking if you were decent or rather calm... Those.." Evelyn eyed the things while she spoke "those are your things." she completely said and ended it there. I looked at the things again.

"mine?" I stated confused as to where she got those. She merely nodded.

I walked over to the couch and examined each of the things. Indeed, these were my clothes. I opened one of the shoe pouches and still they were mine. At this point I knew where these things came from, to confirm my hunch, I opened one of the boxes. There it was my perfume, my make-up. A box inside contained some pieces of jewelry. Again, there were my jewelry. In a dark colored pouch are my undergarments those which I know were a certain person's favorite ones. I moved the first box aside and opened the one previously beneath it. There were pictures of me taken on our different trips. My books and journals were there. My pens and other writing paraphernalia were there too. My other pair of eye glasses included. I continued to scan more through the pile of things. I'm thankful Ashley and I were civil enough for her not to return my gifts, not to include things we actually shared and pictures of her and I. Evelyn moved closer to me and handed me a piece of paper.

"I got all those via this request" She told me while I reached for the paper. I opened it.

_Ms. Foster,_

_I would like to kindly request you to get some things for me at the back of my car. It is an urgent matter which I cannot possibly handle personally and hoping that you would gladly heed as such. I would very much appreciate you doing this for me. Drop by the office to get the keys._

_Thank you._

_Ashley W. Hayes._

After reading the letter, i folded it again and handed it back to Evelyn

"That formal huh?" I uttered. She just nodded.

"Atop all those was this." She pulled out another letter from her pocket and handed it to me.

_Like the time it will run_

_Like water it will flow_

_Like the breeze it will pass_

_A love that was._

_For our memories._

_Thank you._

Short and simple, but i felt the truth and the sincerity. Ashley was hurting but for sure she knew how I felt and she was thankful. I am too.

Without me realizing it, I was alone. I didn't feel Evelyn move. I heard none of her steps. But perhaps silence fell upon me when i read the note. She might have taken it upon herself to leave me in peace.

Suddenly i was startled by the sound of my phone ringing. I placed the note into my pocket and walked over to my desk. When i saw the name flashing on the screen, I smiled. It was Britt. Our phone calls were becoming regular. It comes in the morning when I wake up, at night before I sleep and this occasional midday calls. Not only had it become more interesting, but i like that its been a normal part of my day. I love it. A little more effort we can definitely get through this until the leaving is over, I hope.

-0-

_My head was spinning, perhaps it was the wine from last night. But i figured perhaps it was the lack of sleep and the tons of thinking i made because of what i had actually done the night before. Yes, i did hurt somebody, but i also cannot deny the weight that has been lifted off my shoulders. More than the guilt i was feeling for Ashley, I felt the relief that washed over me having a clean slate with Britt. I continued to bury my head into the pillow, craving to allow myself to extend my sleep which my alarm wouldn't allow me to do. I was used to that sound and it couldn't somehow take away my want of ignoring it. But another sound startled me, my phone. I took it from the night stand and checked who it was that was calling, it was Britt. A smiled crept into my face. I outstretched the fingers on my left hand and stared lovingly at the white gold band shining on my ring finger as the light of the morning sun hits its surface. I pressed the button and answered the phone._

"_Good morning Babe" I spoke almost immediately in voice happy but at the same time sounded a bit sleepy._

"_Did my baby just woke up?" Britt asked me in her childlike voice. It made me smile wider._

"_Yup... what time is it there?" I asked her curiously. She sounded alive and energetic._

"_Around 1." She told me._

"_Have you eaten lunch?" I asked her wanting to know if she was missing it since it was somehow past lunch time._

"_Yeah, I-" Britt's answer was cut by a rumbling sound. Perhaps the line became choppy. I heard a gagging sound and then Britt spoke through broken lines._

"_I—call—lat..rr" I heard her say through broken voice. I scrunched my face confused._

"_Okay, I love you" i told her until i heard the beep signaling the call had ended._

-0-

I pressed the button to answer Britt's call.

"Hey You! Done with rehearsals?" I asked her knowing what time it was perhaps rehearsals were almost over.

"No, I'm just taking five... still in the office?" She asked me curiously, her voice a bit low.

"Yes, are you okay?" I answered and noticed she sounded a bit sad so i went ahead and asked.

"I'm fine just feeling a bit tired and down." She answered still in her low voice. It made me wonder if something happened at work.

"Did something happen at work? Why are you upset? I asked her eager to know.

"Nope, nothing happened. Its just how I am feeling since this morning." She answered tiredly. Perhaps she just wasn't feeling all energetic today. I figured, If something bad did happen, I guess Britt would tell me.

"Just try to rest as mu—" When I was about to complete what i wanted to tell her I heard the rumbling sound again threatening me to lose the call. I paced around my room calling out to Britt. Then, perhaps due to the urgency I was feeling of not wanting to lose the signal for this call, I stepped out of my office continuously calling out to Britt.

"Baby! " I didn't realized i was turned to my right. The direction I have most definitely avoided looking to. As i call out to Britt again, my voice was a bit louder than it usually is. "Baby are you the-" as i lift my head, my eyes widen at the sight in front of me. There she was, Ashley, looking straight back at me. Before I can even turn back, she withdrew from the stare and walked away hurriedly. Startled as I was, I heard the choking sounds from the other line.

"Are You okay Baby?" I asked again. This time i was getting more worried. The line was breaking again. Through broken lines i heard Britt speak.

"I..wi—ca—ll..you—ba—"


	15. Book 2: 1

Book Two: Committed To You Otherwise

_Chapter 1: Dreaming Big_

B=B=B=B=B=B=B=B=B=B=B=B

My eyes fluttered open as I heard my phone going off to wake me up. I know what time it is. Simply because I am the one who set that thing. It's one of the rare times that I'm actually pissed that I was awakened by that device. I don't use the regular alarm clock, its irritating to hear. I've used that thing all throughout high school and instead of being happy when you wake up it tends to ruin the day first thing in the morning. I don't like cursing at something which cannot answer back. I just think it's unfair.' Oh but isn't it that it was the one who started it since it woke you up?' But then again it's just trying to help but you can't blame it for not doing it in a more subtle means. It's just how it is. That's why I use my phone instead, modified to my liking.

I growled at it the second time I heard it. I never growl to that sound, but it just might be the strongest defense I have against it. It's a rarity that I don't succumb to it. I just feel so tired these last couple of days. I've never felt so violated by my alarm so much so than these past days which started last week after I had a drink with Addie and the girls over the dinner and clubbing financed by San. It was a good night. I think the Roederer got me, it's been a long time since I've had it. Then the few other shots we had after that I guess pushed me to the edge. For the first time, the morning after, I think I was hung over. That never happens, as in never before. That's why back then for Alcohol Awareness Week, I was good enough to lead the Glee Club to sing and dance to Ke$ha since I was pretty strong with the alcohol, I maybe a stripper drunk but never a lightweight.

Somehow after the third alarm, somewhat on autopilot, I swung my legs to the edge of the bed and lift myself to rise. Before standing up I cracked my neck to either side, and then steady myself right after I stood on my feet. I sluggishly walked to the bathroom with eyes still closed. I'm pretty sure that if Artie were to see me just about now, he would mistake me for a robot. I faced the vanity mirror atop the sink without actually looking at myself. I lift the back of my hand to rub my eyes of off sleep. Finally seeing myself I smiled. I picked my toothbrush up and put a decent amount of toothpaste on it. The minty taste of toothpaste somehow makes me feel giddy. It's like it wakes up the cavities in your mouth and frees the spaces in between your teeth to make way for the cool air to enter it. As I continue to brush away, I was startled by the sound of my alarm again.

_~Wake Up B..._

_It's time for Sweet Lady Kisses_

_Babe...Wake Up~_

I forgot to turn it off. That's my modified alarm tone. Santana's voice, luring me with sweet lady kisses. Who wouldn't wake up to that every morning, right? I never growl at that voice. Really, how can you growl at that sweet, sultry, husky tone of voice. It's just that these days really have been tiring. 'that reminds me...how can I forget' I brushed my teeth faster. Spit the bubbles out-rinse-spit out again.

I walked out of the bathroom and went to my side table I picked up the frame on top of it.

"Good morning Babe! You woke me up again today when you yourself are still asleep, sorry for growling..." I said talking to the person in picture holding the frame in front of me. I crashed my lips onto to those tanned cheeks covered by the glass topping the frame. "and the late morning kiss"

I picked my phone up and shut the alarm off. I typed in a text message to San. I walk into the bathroom again and continued to get ready. My morning just got started.

I got to the studio on time. On-time for me actually is a bit earlier than the others. It's a good thing San gets to wake me up just the way I like it. I wake up happy and energetic and just about ready to move.

Rehearsals really doesn't start this early but i like to be here just to stretch a little and ready the moves we have to perform and polish the same, for when I convey it to them, I wouldn't lose track of my own steps. Mastery and creativity goes hand in hand in choreography. I have to devise ways of moving around with a certain step to be able to come up with the easiest ways to learn it. When a performance is set, sometimes you have very little time to spend making a single dancer absorb and learn it. More so with performances in the tours, it being live, there's very little room for mistake. You have to adjust to the venue and to the crowd. Then you have the costumes and other dancers to think about. More so, you have the artist to consider. If the artist is having a hard time learning the steps, you have to be able to provide an alternative way for it to be learned.

Years of experience taught me that. I could not have learned those if I had not been on the tour which i have joined in. I love touring, even if I may not be the star of it. Dancing is my dream and always has been.

-0-

_I rose to the stage, my nerves almost getting the best of me. I then heard the song slowly resounding to my ear. Its sound started making me sway to its rhythm. The lento while guiding my body to move was slowly dragging any nerve which tends to restrain from making my body move. Whenever I hear music somehow I feel like Dumbo while he flew into the air. Not because of his big ears but music just translates to my body and it gives me the power to move. I continue to move owning the stage and filling it with unpredictable movements which my body is able to produce, the music driving me to do so. It feels somehow like I cannot stop it. It surges out of me like extra energy. I pranced to the front of the stage and suddenly I felt my body dragging back slowly curving my midsection. My body on the ground focused on the mixture of my body's natural rhythm and the music entangled together, I moved gracefully upwards again stretching to the right then to the left._

_I lift my arms and rolled it downwards again. My feet never ceasing in its glides. My legs were moving cooperatively. I lifted myself up from the floor and threw my hip to each side alternately. I moved my head in circular motions supported fully by my hands on each side of my head. The music drowned me in the energy it was somehow exposing me to. As my last move I engulfed the air in a big hug with my hands landing on my abdomen. I bowed my head. I was waiting patiently for the fat lady to arrive and start singing since it was said that when that happens then it's over. Breathing heavily and rapidly, the excess energy was still flowing through my entire body. I was pretty sure my dance was over since that's what all i had to show. The curtains closed and lights were turned off then immediately I heard a roaring of applause. Upon hearing the loud cheers and clapping i peeped through the now closed curtain. The people were standing continuously cheering for all of us for me. With that sight and those sounds in mind, I knew and felt, I would always want to see and hear those, and for a seven year old I was pretty sure I can get use to that._

_-0-_

I guess the confidence built in me by my first dance recital never left my mind. From that day on I knew there's nothing else i would want to be than to be a dancer and to hear those sounds of adoration again coming from a crowd of people for my dancing. Touring gave me that satisfaction. Even if I am not the star, I knew it was the way for when I will see that sight and hear those sounds again. More so, together with all those, you just love to see people dancing their hearts out to the beat while they mimic your moves.

It's challenging to dance. Since these are feelings with actions. As they say, action speaks louder than words. When you sing you say those words to a certain melody. However with dance, you act those words and instill movements to those beats. You show how those words make you feel. So when people get to join in your little movement it can almost make you think if you feel the same way just right about that moment when you danced. That's why it's liberating because you use the whole of you when you do dance.

I have never been a book smart person. I have even been known to be the exact opposite of that. But when I dance its different. It's like I'm a totally different person. In dancing, i don't need try to remember different formulas or write certain words to make something up. I just to listen and let my body be taken over by the rhythm. It satisfies me in a way that dancing has given me a chance to believe in myself. Believe that I can be great at something and actually be proud of it. I don't need to try to hard or force myself. It keeps me intact and at the same time liberates me. I just know that people might not understand me oftentimes when I speak but they will never misinterpret me when I dance.

That's why it's a dream come true to be here. Eyeing the whole studio, I believe I've made it to where i want to be. The achiever that I am translates very well in this profession I have chosen, especially now that I'm the one creating the steps. But I never forget that no matter what stage or rank I am in, it would always go back to dance. Through the years, I've put great efforts to improve my craft . I have never missed a step, a turn or any other movement. I have never fallen closely so as to injure myself. I had to work hard to get to where I am now, and now that I am here I just continued to work harder.

It's mid morning and the studio's getting full with dancers getting ready for rehearsals. It's a good thing that I always got here first I've done enough stretching as not to pull my hamstrings or other muscles, preconditioning the same for a day of non-stop rehearsals since the actual performance is set at the end of the week. There really is not much time to waste. Devising the steps, polishing them, coordinating them, teaching them and then learning them for the others, then mastering them and then rehearsing them, pretty much takes the time.

It's almost always is a tiring day, That's why my sluggish and heavy feeling and tiredness is definitely not helping. Especially that I'm the one in-charge now. I need to do this as perfectly as possible. I drank the last contents of the bottle of water Addie has brought in for me and pulled myself up from my seated position. I went to the center of the room and called upon the group of dancers. They gathered around me to intently watch and observe the dance I was about to perform.

I signaled for the music to be played and waited for the entrance of the initial beat. As I heard the music starting to play, I started to sway my body back and forth and swirled my upper body in big movements. As i was picking up the rhythm and started to feel energized by the music. I felt myself throwing my arms into different directions. I went about the routine, repeating some steps in the identical parts of the song. However, I felt tired and heavy again, but I continued. I moved swiftly and then fast. I felt a bit dizzy. Then came the slow parts, I was able to catch a bit of breath since I made interpretative movements and then swayed again. I almost felt exhausted lifting my feet alternately from the ground. As the last beats of the song played out, getting faster and faster, I prepared to make a complete turn and to repeat the same a couple more times. I made the first turn and instantly felt dizzy. I can't however stop now, it was almost done. As I made my move for the second turn, I threw my body to the left to complete it. Halfway through, I felt an extreme dizziness and felt my weight shifting unevenly to one side of my body. I felt myself slowly falling backwards unable to balance myself.

I heard a loud thud. Then everything went black.


	16. Book 2: 2 part1

Book Two: Committed To You Otherwise

_Chapter 2: Hints, Signs & Feelings (Part 1: What I Knew)_

I can feel a dull aching in my head. It's like one moment I'm spinning then suddenly I'll feel the inside of my head being dragged down to a dark space behind it. I can feel that my body is flat on my back which makes me almost certain i was lying down and with the softness I feel beneath it makes me even more sure that I'm not on the studio floor which from what I can remember i had hit my back on pretty hard.

There it goes again the stinging pain and as i feel it, involuntarily my eyes squeezes shut in the hopes of making the pain disappear, but it doesn't. Instead i tried to open it but simultaneously i heard a voice call out to me. It was Addie.

"Britt are you okay? How do you feel?" She asked, her voice was with so much concern. I wanted to tease her and mess with her worried state, but i felt too weak to do so. So i settled to just tell her I am fine.

"I'm fine, i just feel a little like Aurora" I told her, i guess this is exactly how Aurora would feel like after all those years. But Addie just narrowed her eyes with her face frowning at me.

"Who's Aurora?" Asking me like she was totally clueless, which I can't quite understand it's almost impossible that she doesn't know Aurora. We've been to Epcot a couple of times she should at least have like an idea.

"Sleeping Beauty silly." I answered back nonchalantly. I told her just the same, since I also know sometimes people do have a hard time understanding the way I think, actually most of the time. Only one person is capable of understanding how i am, the way I think and what is on my mind. Santana would always know, at least in the past she always would.

"Oww.." Addie said while she nodded. Her eyes widened as she realized how obvious it was and how slow it might have taken her to process the thought. I just smiled at her. Keeping myself from rubbing it into her how she should have figured out sooner or better how she should have understood it on the get go. She tilted her head to the side "how? Like you've been kissed by a prince? Im sorry Britt, but i thought you know...you fancied women more... since you're married to one" her voice was trailing off as she said the last part. I think its funny how she became cautious asking me this, she seems like still totally clueless.

I rolled my eyes at her "Not that silly... but for the record I used to fancy both... but love is different... anyway, i feel like there air in my head like its hollow or something... exactly like how Aurora would feel after a very long sleep." I explained to her convincingly there's no reason now for her not to understand me.

"Why didn't you just say so? that could've taken you less effort explaining." She pointed out. But i did tell her in the most convenient and easiest way, although it was actually her who didn't get it as fast as she should have.

"I totally did" that's all i'm gonna say since i don't want to tell her it was really slow of her not to have figured it out the moment i told her how i felt. Like how Tina asked me during the National's whether I was singing about a cup even if it was the most obvious thing, but then again i just told her right off the bat that i did just sing about a cup not wanting to wait for her and even them to figure it out. I guess since San instantly found it funny, I didn't need to explain it to her. That's how well she knows me at least back then.

"Yeah I guess you did. But are you feeling better?" Addie said perhaps finally realizing I was right. Finally.

"Yeah I mean, right now while i'm talking to you. I barely feel the stinging pain i felt in my head just moments ago." Then I smiled at her to genuinely mirror that i was feeling better.

"Does your back hurt?" She asked looking like she was anticipating a negative answer but hoping for a positive one.

"I'm not quite sure" I turned my head from side to side eyeing myself down my lower body. "since i'm lying down, and this cot feels comfortable cradling my back" I turned to look at Addie again. Then the stinging pain hit my head again. I let my hand reach for the side of my head hoping to ease myself of the sting. WIth one eye closed i continued to ask Addie "What actually happened?".

"Are you okay?" She asked me since i guess my pained look is in no way subtle. But I nodded to let her know I was okay. Then she continued to speak. " Anyway, you were showing the steps to the group and then after spinning for a bit, you suddenly fell on your back, then you passed out." She narrated. then continued to say "Should I call your wife?" She asked then I shook my head "if you hadn't awaken that moment you actually did I would've called your wife already." She told me sternly and I believe she would have because that's how she worries. But there's no need to tell San what happened since I'm perfectly okay maybe I was just tired and falling off while dancing is but a natural consequence of such activity. There really is no need to bother her with that.

"There really is no need to call her and tell her this, because I'm perfectly fine. If I hadn't wake up at all than that would be the time to tell her." I told Addie while I emphasize my point with a finger in the air and small smile on my lips.

"What, like if your comatose or something? I'm pretty sure Mrs. would not appreciate that call if such happened since I should've called from the moment that thing that caused it happened." She scrunched her face while she voiced out her little comment. "But of course this is far from that since you didn't hit your head when you fell." she smiled at her last remark, seemingly happy that such a thing really didn't happen. I smiled back but at the back of my mind I was thankful I didn't actually hit my head since it might cause me to get even more confused with things more than i already am.

"I just don't want to worry her with trivial things you know, She's always busy she has enough things to worry about. Plus, I don't want her to think i can't handle myself." i elaborated.

It was true. San has one heck of a job which requires a lot of thinking. She's always at the office 'til late at night. Especially when she got promoted to Junior Partner, she would arrive home only wanting to sleep. She gets easily tired these past few years, although i'm quite certain its not all work. Even when I am home, we barely spent time together, because she's always working, always preoccupied. That's why I keep myself busy too when I am there with workshops and more training. Is it the money? I'm not really sure, because right now we practically have enough and we're just making more of it. That's why its the best time to have the baby. Too bad it didn't happen. But even with that not happening, that time we spent in Lima was one of the best moments we have had in this marriage. I knew that going home for the anniversary and the baby plans it was perfect. I had to turn down the promotion if that was my plan, which I did, but Lily didn't let me, at least not yet.

-0-

_"Are you sure about this Britty?" Lily asked me with disbelief in her voice._

_"Yeah I am, I need this, We need this." I answered back with determination in my voice._

_"You're not even sure if you're gonna conceive plus there's nobody else who deserves this better than you do." She told me in all honesty._

_"We have a lot of great dancers, especially now. They would make for good choreographers." I told her smiling._

_"I don't know about that. But please do reconsider please don't turn it down now Britty. Just go home first do what you have to do. if what you want happens then its up to you." She pleaded. i smiled._

_"You know very well it would be more than that when it happens right?" I told her while subtly laying out the possible consequence of my plan._

_"Well yeah, but wouldn't you miss this?" She told me wanting to change my mind._

_"I've missed a lot more than this because of this and you know that. I don't want that anymore Lil" I told her my voice laced with sadness._

_"You must love her, she must be so lucky." hearing this i just smiled at Lily._

_-0-_

Lima may not have been the ultimate destination for a vacation but it was for me. The baby thing would've been great but that time we spent there was not solely for the baby to happen but in my mind it was for us. I knew going back to our roots, to the place where we fell in love would do a lot for us.

I was lost in my thoughts while Addie read a magazine and was sitting right beside me. When the door to the clinic opened the doctor came in.

"So how are we feeling Mrs. Pierce?" The doctor asked. Somehow I felt the need to correct him. It sounded more like mom than me.

"It's Pierce-Lopez doctor, and I feel a stinging pain in my head." I told him. because that's practically the most basic thing I was feeling.

"Oh I'm sorry... anyway, did you hit your head" The doctor continued to inquire while holding the metal folder. But before I could even speak Addie cut in.

"No doctor she did not." Then she turned to me and smiled.

"This past few days how do you constantly feel?" He continued to ask.

"i feel like i'm on the heavier side like really sluggish, I'm always tired, and sleepy. Sometimes I feel nauseous which causes me to often take a trip to the comfort room and just barf." I told him everything I've been feeling because I have to any. Doctors can be annoying when they ask too many questions the secret is to give them all the answers all at once.

"Have you checked with an ob-" The doctor was cut by the sudden ringing of a phone. Addie checked hers and then my phone and handed it to me. Someone was calling. I held my hands up to the doctor signaling for him to give me a moment. i looked at the screen and saw who was calling

The first thing that came to mind 'why was she calling me' Then the idea popped into my mind and weaved itself to recent events. I smiled just thinking about it. I thought to myself.

'I guess we're lucky'


	17. Book 2: 2 part2

Book Two: Committed To You Otherwise

_Chapter 2: Hints, Signs & Feelings (Part 2: What I Did)_

I pressed the button to answer the phone.

"Hello?" I asked with the sound of amazement and confusion in my voice. I had to clear my mind of expectations, i didn't want to be disappointed. Worst, it can be something else. A part of me started to feel a bit scared.

"Brittany?" the voice from the other line asked. I don't know why people would have to ask that clearly people should know who they are calling, but i guess i would have to make it clear.

"Yeah". Short response for what should be obvious.

"hmmm... It's Belinda Carnegie, your OB" Another obvious matter but maybe it was proper that she introduced herself again. Just to make sure I know her.

"yeah, doc kinda got that all figured out, i have your number on my phone, what's up?" I blurted it out, i don't want the nice doctor feeling awkward thinking i didn't remember her. I wouldn't forget her, she broke our hearts, oh, maybe just mine, by telling I'm not pregnant. But it's not her fault.

"Oh...I'm not really sure how to start... uhmm... " She's confusing me the longer she is prolonging what she has to say. I knew I had to break the long pause she is putting up.

"go ahead... what's it about?" I asked. A little encouragement wouldn't hurt.

"I'm just gonna get straight to it." My words i guess did give her a push which kinda made me a little scared. I suddenly felt the urgency to anticipate and ask.

"Is there anything wrong doc?" It was the most appropriate question to asked I guess. Right now, I'm thinking it's a good thing i cleared all expectations because she's acting all weird.

"oh, don't worry it's not something bad, it's just about the test we ran on you." She sounded nervous. I was hanging on the edge of my seat and I wasn't even seated, I was lying down.

"What is it?" I asked her again, but i couldn't contain my nerves and spoke again "You're killing me here..." I blurted out faster than i could think about it.

"I'm sorry. The test, there was a mistake regarding the results... " 'I so hope it's a good mistake' I thought to myself. This was really killing me and i can feel she was as nervous telling me as I was listening to her. Then there was her voice again "It was very careless of us and unprofessional and I apologize for it" She said it fast and in a very apologetic manner. But i still can't quite understand yet, she haven't actually completed what she was saying to me.

"Doc you haven't exactly told me what's wrong..." I told her, wanting her to elaborate more and give me details.

"Oh right. The blood test we ran on you previous to our final consultation, it got switched with the results of another patient..." She narrated but feeling the rush of things i can't seem to hold myself from interrupting.

"And?" I asked again. I just really felt the need to speak.

"So when we met for the check up what i had was another patient's blood test results which were negative, and then your pregnancy urine test came out negative too, so I was persuaded to think that it was negative altogether." She was saying too many words and I'm getting more confused.

"Doc just cut to the chase, you're confusing me." I told her in all honesty of what I was feeling about this conversation. George will always be my favorite doctor.

"That's the mistake, because your actual blood test results read it's positive" She did cut to the chase, but since I was so confused at that moment I had to clarify again.

"So what exactly are you telling me?" i asked her and this conversation is starting to make me feel nauseous again.

"You're pregnant Brittany" The way her voice sounded, i felt like she was smiling through the phone. She definitely sounded like the bringer of good news. I don't know how to feel just yet. But there's a force inside me pushing a smile to make it to my face. Just one more question to push it out.

"are you sure?" I told her questioning since what happened made want to doubt again. Although what's been happening recently gave me at least an idea to better understand how I've been feeling these past few days.

She let out a small chuckle. "This time, absolutely yes!" She told me in a way not giving any room for doubts. I closed my eyes and internally whispered a 'thank you' up above. The smile that was threatening to come out just moments ago has grown into a full wide grin. Then, before i got lost in bliss, she spoke again. "I'm really sorry for the mistake, I'm gonna have to call your wife too and I feel nervous. Jorge has told me a couple of things about her and i definitely don't want to be on her bad side." She sounded happy and nervous about calling San. But I had better things in mind.

"Don't call her just yet." I told the kind doctor. I still needed her help though. "I need your help, I'll call you again when it's time, but don't tell her just yet. Can you do that for me?" I asked her, hopeful that she would agree, I'm her actual patient anyway. The more important thing is that I know.

"Sure. Just let me know. Just cover me up from your wife. It's a good thing I called you first." I almost laughed at what she said. She might have been really nervous about that mistake, not because of me, but because of San.

"Yeah it is. I'm the pregnant one anyway. This means a lot. Thank you Doc!" I told her with much sincerity. She has brought to me some good today. Something really good.

"You're welcome and I'm sorry again. By the way, have yourself checked again to know the status of Baby Pierce-Lopez in there" She advised me with genuine concern. I thought i really should with all that I've been doing carelessly these past days. Drinking and dancing non-stop. I should really have this baby checked.

"I will. I'll talk to you again soon. Thank you again." I told her, i really couldn't thank her enough.

"No problem. Bye" with that I heard the phone beep signaling that the doctor had hung up the phone. I then realized the doctor has been waiting up on me and Addie was looking up at me. I just smiled.

After the doctor gave me his reminders and advising me to see an ob-gyne, Addie and I left the clinic and went home. I was allowed to go home earlier than usual because of what happened.

I decided I would see the OB-Gyne today and confirm the status of the baby. I was really excited. I decided to ring her instead, knowing that it was past the time of my morning calls she might think something's wrong. Since our trip to Lima, I made my calls regular. I knew that trip did wonders. I got her like what I wanted and now with the baby i can finally fix everything. So I dialed the number. A few rings into the cal and she picked up.

"Rise and shine babe!" I immediately said. I heard my voice and knew for a fact it extraordinarily sounded happy.

"Hi babe, I'm already up, getting ready for work" She retorted back. My call really was a few hours later than usual.

"Yeah, I just had my break now sorry I wasn't able to call to wake you up" I told her sounding regretful. I had to lie. I didn't want to tell her I fell hard on the floor and hurt my back.

"it's okay I had my alarm to do that, it wasn't like your voice but it'll do. Its pretty late for lunch there, have you eaten?" She asked me somewhat imposing. She didn't like it when I'm tired and hungry. It was sweet to hear it again that she loved the sound of my voice. That she loved it to have me wake her up.

-0-

_"Babe, come out now, I'm done recording on your phone" She yelled out to me from outside my bathroom._

_I decided to go into the bathroom while i record my voice on San's phone so she won't know what I had recorded on it as her alarm tone. More so, i wanted to be surprised by what she had recorded on mine. She has been calling me to come out for the last five minutes even before I started. Her constant nagging is causing my concentration to falter making me record it over and over again. I pressed the record button again and tried to ignore Santana's pleas this time so I can completely record it._

_When I was finally done I opened the bathroom door and eyed her._

_"if only you were patient i could have recorded much faster." I told her while making my way and sitting myself beside her on her bed._

_I was still settling myself comfortably when she suddenly spoke._

_"Let me hear it." Santana cowered on my side and attempted to grab her phone from my hand. I pulled my hand away from her and moved it upwards holding tightly to the phone._

_"Nuh-uh" I told her letting my hand move upward, then to the side. I waved it away in whatever direction away from San._

_"Please B, i just want to hear what you recorded and set it as the alarm." She responded but never ceasing in her attempt to grab the phone. I dodged her movements even more._

_"No" i held my finger in the air. "We agreed that we'd both get awakened by it in the morning" She pouted and but nevertheless tried to open her mouth again I cut her off. "and that's exactly what we're gonna do, so don't be sneaky, I already set it so you just have to wait.." I narrowed my eyes telling her that. She settled herself on her seat and stopped moving._

_"Fine" she muttered under her breath. Rebelling against the rules as always. I scooted closer to her._

_"Babe, don't be stubborn, I promise you, you'd be so amazed at how wonderfully my recorded alarm tone will work on you" I flashed her a wide grin and she gave me a confused look._

_I had to make myself clear, so I did "You're gonna be so tired tonight you'll fall deeply asleep like nothing can wake you up for Cheerios practice tomorrow, but the alarm tone definitely will." I finished the last statement with a seductive smirk. Her eyes gazed at me, lustful and with so much desire._

_The night was engulfed with love, passion, sweat and bliss. We didn't push it though since we did have cheering practice in the morning. We were beyond exhausted and fell asleep tangled in each other's embrace. We placed each of our phones on the table to our sides._

_I was used to getting up early. I looked at the clock and it was only 6:30 am. We had set the alarm at 7:00 am but I woke up earlier so I guess I could listen to the recording San has made on my phone since I was already awake. I got my phone and looked for the file. I pressed the button to play it._

_**~Wake Up B...**_

_**It's time for Sweet Lady Kisses**_

_**Babe...Wake Up~**_

_I smiled as I listened to it. It was Santana's stripper voice she has used to record this. 'I could listen to this everyday of my life' I thought to myself. I played it a couple more times but not too loud as to wake her up since she was right beside me. After a couple of minutes, I made my way to the bathroom to prepare myself. I could just wait up on S anyway when she wakes up._

_-0-_

_I was sitting on the bed in my towel when I heard my voice ringing in my ear._

_**~San...~**_

_Santana growled at the sound. I smiled I knew it was right to have recorded it this way._

_**~San...~**_

_I can feel her shift on the bed this time. My method was perfect since she was responding to it._

_**~Wake up Babe..~**_

_She growled again. 'that's just right' i told myself as I continue to brush my hair._

_**~Babe... 'Come on... wake up...~**_

_"Early" I heard Santana mumbled in her sleep. My voice was more persuasive somehow getting frustrated._

_**~Please...~**_

_"so early" San responded more stubborn than before. My voice was starting to sound louder and more persuasive. I smiled even more knowing what was coming after please. Wait for it. It will do the trick. I turned to look at Santana. Her head still buried on the pillow. This is it._

_**~Wake up now or I Won't Go down on you?~**_

_This time my voice in the recording was louder and stern and commanding. I saw how Santana transformed from practically dead to startled awake._

_Her eyes were still closed while she muttered. "I'm up, I'm up!" I stifled a laugh. I eyed my girlfriend still half asleep but sat up, rubbing her half opened eyes perhaps trying to rub the sleep off it. I smiled at her and pecked her right on the pillow mark on her cheek and greeted her._

_"good morning baby!" I stood up and made my way to the dresser. I looked at her through the mirror. "I told you my alarm would work" I winked at her through the mirror and smirked._

_-0-_

I smiled at the memory of that tone and its power to wake Santana up. But I know she stopped using it. I never stopped using mine. I always wake up to her voice. It's good to know that now she would like to wake up to my voice again. Because I'll always want to wake up to hers. I was brought out of my trance when she spoke again.

"Babe are you still there? Are you okay?" She asked.

"Yeah, yeah." I answered. Shaking my head to keep myself from getting lost in my thoughts

"Have you eaten? You sound happy." She asked again. Perhaps my voice is revealing how I actually feel, i can't help it.

"I'm just a bit hyper today and yes I've eaten, you?" I told her, i just can't tell her yet about the news. I had bigger plans. I had to ask if she has eaten too since sometimes she tends to be so busy sometimes she forgets to eat breakfast.

"Its good to know you've been better, unlike the past couple of days. And no I haven't, but I will." She answered convincingly. It's good she didn't think something was up.

"Not just coffee?" I asked to make sure. I heard her laugh.

"Not just coffee" She blurted to relieve me of my doubts.

"Promise?" I had to really make sure. Plus, its our moment. I bet she can feel i was pouting on the other line. Plus, flirting with my wife won't hurt.

"I promise Babe." The way she said it made me think she knew I had my pout. Her voice was laced with fancy and amusement but it sure sounded like a promise.

"Good, I gotta go. call me later?" I told her. I needed to prepare to see the OB-Gyne the doctor from the clinic has recommended with whom I told Addie to make an appointment.

"I will. I love you." She promised and said it first. She has been saying that first a lot which confirms my secured feeling. I can't help but feel excited and happy that all the things i've planned and done are falling into place.

"I love you too. Later okay?" I responded. Feeling giddy about everything and the surprising news. I just can't tell just yet. But soon I will.

"okay. Bye babe!" I heard her say from the other line and then the call ended. I smiled I'm excited. I just hope she's gonna be thrilled too. At first I thought it was a long shot, until we got home from Lima. Now, i can hope she'll be thrilled too.

With that, i went on to prepare for the doctor, after that i still had to see someone.

I entered the Ob's clinic which read Dr. Anne Paton OB-Gyne.

I'm glad the OB which was recommended to me by Dr. Brown is a woman. San wouldn't be happy to know if it was otherwise. Sitting at the doctor's office, waiting for her to come out to meet her. As I was nervously rocking back and forth on where I'm seated, the door opened to reveal a woman somehow the same age as me. She was definitely younger, younger than Dr. Carnegie.

"So..." She eyes the file she was holding containing the form I had filled out from earlier. "Mrs. Pierce-Lopez, your urine test came out positive this time, but we would want to know the status of the baby right?" She asked. I nodded. "Shall we?" She asked while gesturing to the door where she came from earlier. I followed her into the more secluded space. She asked me to change into a hospital gown. After I did, I went out and she told me to lie down on the cot.

"Since we have to check how far along you are i have to see the situation in there." She told me pointing to that area and I nodded. "Okay spread your legs please." I obliged to what she told me.

"So is your wife with you?" She asked while she scan the best of me.

"No, she's in New York" I answered as I feel her thoroughly examining me.

"Does she know the good news?" She asked me again. I shifted a bit feeling vulnerable.

"Not Yet. I wanted to make sure first." I coughed a little while i continued to stare at the ceiling. I then felt she moved a way. I looked down to where she was. She lifted her head up and smiled.

"You can tell her now. We're sure" She continued to say as she moved away removing her gloves and then getting her pen to jot down notes on my file. "You can change now, you sure you don't want to have an ultra-sound?" She asked me again.

"Nope, I want to have that done when she's with me so we'll both see at the same time." I told her and gave her a smile.

"Okay. You're on it about 5-6 weeks. That's why the nauseous feeling, fatigue has been bothering you, even the occasionally morning sickness" She stated while she points the pen to the air. "And i say you get off the extreme dance training and the drinking and rest a lot, so those feelings won't be aggravated." She added and smiled. I thanked her and made my way to change into my previous clothes. After i changed she issued me a certificate of my results and I thanked her again.

After I left Dr. Paton's clinic, I was happy. I finally had a reason. I made my way to the studio building again. I didn't stop at the studio instead I rode the elevator and went two floors up to where I know he is going to be. I reached his door.

I knocked on his door and almost immediately I heard somebody yell out "come in".

I turned the knob and pushed open the dark wood door. I went inside and immediately went to where he was. He wasn't looking up and i slipped the certificate under his eyes on to the table.

He looked up at me finally. I knew i needed to tell him. There was a reason for him to finally let me go.

"This is it."


	18. Book 2: 2 part3

Book Two: Committed To You Otherwise

_Chapter 2: Hints, Signs & Feelings (Part 3: What I Felt)_

-0-

_I didn't look back neither did i look over my shoulder. I didn't need to. I knew her gaze bore at the back of my head until the time she can hold it and could no longer see me._

_For the second time in our 5-year marriage, Santana watched me go on my way leaving her on the other side of the airport. It has never happened except for the first time I decided to leave for the tour. Feeling her eyes fall upon me as i walk to the entrance to board my plane to London and leaving Lima, I knew at that moment what dream I have to keep coming true._

_All throughout the flight i had one resolve. My plan did work and I'm taking this second chance to make my biggest dream come true._

_I rode the cab and instead of going directly back to my apartment I had it bring me to the studio building._

_When I finally arrived at the studio, i got my luggage and pulled it inside as i entered. I rode the elevator two floors up the building hoping he would be there where i need to find him. I knew my mind was made up, and i came back here to tell him that. I knocked on the dark wood door and waited until he said "come in"_

_I entered the room and rushed to his desk. Before he can even look at me I spoke._

_"I'm quitting." I told him. He lifted his head, quirked his eyebrows and threw a questioning look at me._

_"wait,.. quitting on? Her?" He asked me._

_"this." I looked away. "i'm quitting the tour" i told him and immediately bowed my head._

_"wait...wait... " he blurted while he does this hand gestures like a mime, i'm not sure if he was cutting off what i'm saying or just asking me to stop talking. I decided to just listen to him first and remain silent. "let me get this straight..." he blurted again, now i got what he was doing, he wanted me to clarify. But since he is again was about to open his mouth i will remain as I am, silent still. "You go on a break... and ask for a month's extension and come back here to tell me you're quitting?" he stated it, bit by bit, in his voice, laced with what sounded to me like more of irritation, matched with widened eyes asking me to confirm what he just said._

_I just nodded. I guess that's enough confirmation for him because he said too many words speaking what i actually wanted to say...in short...how do you say that... he has put words into my mouth, just not literally._

_"Did she make you do this?" He asked me. His shoulders fell as he let the words out. With that question i knew i needed to speak._

_"of course not." I lifted my gaze and looked at him like he was saying something really horrible. "she never would." It's true San never would ask me to give up something I really want._

_"so, then why are you quitting...?" he asked with disbelief. But he was not finished and he opened his mouth again. "Are you pregnant?" his own question took him aback._

_"No, i'm not. Unfortunately it didn't happen" I told him sadly._

_"So then why?" He asked again._

_"Because I want to." I answered back with certainty. "Because I need to. I've gotten her back Louie, if i don't do this now I might lose her for good." I answered back with certainty._

_-0-_

Louie eyed me from head to foot, questioning me with his stare.

He took the certificate and held it up to me. "and this is what?" He asked while he raised an eyebrow at me.

"Read it silly!" I told him excitedly while i sport a wide grin across my face. I waited for his reaction.

"Why don't you settle yourself and sit first. Go! Right there." He commanded me pointing to the chair right in front of his desk.

"Fine!" i rolled my eyes at him and holding my hands up in the air.

"Positive, Positive, Fetus, 5-6 weeks..." He read it aloud which made me smile and roll my eyes again. He was just about to read another thing on the paper, I decided to cut him to it.

"Stop" I told him, I stood up again and took the paper from his perfectly manicured hands.

"What?" He said widening his eyes. "You told me to read it." He added tapping his now free fingers on his wooden desk.

"not out loud." I told him while i tilt my head and narrow my eyes at him.

"Why does it matter, its only just the two of us here anyway" he stated the obvious. But i felt like he was mocking my pregnancy by reading it out loud.

"It's annoying the way you're reading it aloud" I told him. "feels like you're mocking me or something." I added with my pout this time.

"Aww Britty don't pout." He said standing up and walking towards me. "Congratulations my dear" He said and this time its sincere. "So she finally knocked you up sending you home huh?" it was rhetorical the way he said the last part. But I didn't like the way he said it.

"Its better to say we're finally gonna be a family and which was long overdue." I told him with a half smile on my face.

"So, I guess you won't be able to keep your promise of a last artist tour to me..." he tilted his head sideways and returned my half smile.

He knows this hasn't been the greatest life. He recruited me to this. He knows its consequences. He was my boss, and sometimes i can't help but think if he is all just business or really just concerned for me since he did help me to be where i am right now. Although it may not be the peak of success but definitely it was a long way from where he found me first before he invited me and lily to join him.

-0-

_The last class of the day was almost coming to an end. As i took the last twirl I made a halt on my heel and faced the class. Clapping my hands i told the little kids It's time to go home and I'll see them tomorrow._

_As i was fixing my things and placing each item in the bag, i heard footsteps from behind me. I stopped in my movements and turned my head to look sideways over my shoulder. There I saw a man standing next to Lily, my co-instructor, walking towards me while clapping his hands. His body was slender and toned. If i must say he looked like a dancer himself._

_I stood up straight from my bending position and looked at Lily with a confused face. When they were finally in front of me, Lily spoke up._

_"Britt, thank God you're finally done. I would like you to meet someone." She told me and she seems excited._

_I looked at her again and then to the man. Then he opened his mouth._

_"Hi, I'm Louie Benett." He extended his hand to me with a smile._

_"I'm Brittany Pierce" I told him while taking his hand to shake._

_"He's been here the whole day, going around and observing how we teach" Lily butted in, she looked at me quirking an eyebrow. "and how we dance." She trailed off stating the last part. From there, i got a hint but I'm still not quite where she was going with this._

_"yeah, I've been looking around in different studios, I'm part of a group, group of dancers, to be in different shows, on tour actually" He narrated alternately looking at me then to Lily. "and seeing the two of you out of all the instructors here, I wanted to invite you to join my group" he said without hesitation. The thought made me smile. I narrowed my eyes a bit and thought to myself 'maybe this is my big break'_

_-0-_

"yeah i guess i would have to break that promise." I told him with a sad smile. "this little one would want me to be home with its mom" I added while pointing to my lower abdomen.

"you know what, i should hate her really" He said looking sideways. "First she impedes you from making your dream come true then now she's cutting in between it and you." He said it with disgust. Then he smiles and says "You must love her huh?" It wasn't really a question. He pretty much know I do.

"I do, and besides this is my dream, to be with her, more than anything." I told him it was.

-0-

_I didn't know that it would turn out like this. It has been a month and we haven't spoken to each other. It's not that I didn't want to marry her, I just wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do at this time especially when the offer to go on tour came about. I thought it might be an opportunity to fulfill my lifelong dream. I just wanted to go on the tour first to enjoy it like how she has been making her dreams come true. But before I can even explain what I wanted to, she cut me to it and assumed again, a thing, which have not even crossed my mind. She thought I wanted to be free from her while I was on tour. It's not that, and definitely I didn't want for us to break up. I just wasn't sure when she asked about marriage if I was ready for it._

_Dancing has always been my dream and dancing on tour and eventually be a professional dancer would be a dream come true. But after contemplating on it, and since we haven't talked and I haven't seen her and it's killing me and I'm pretty sure I had a pretty bigger dream than dancing._

_So here I am at the door of her apartment. Lucky enough a kind lady was just going out and I was able to enter the building. I'm not even sure if she's gonna open up. But I'm gonna try._

_I knocked on her door. There was no answer. I knocked again. Still there nothing. I can't even hear anything. 'maybe she's not here' i thought but almost immediately brushed that thought aside. Quinn said she's here. They were just talking when i was on my way. Or maybe I should ask Quinn again to confirm._

_I turned with my back to the door. I pulled my phone out to text Quinn. Then before i was even finish typing out my message. I wonder why I didn't even hear the door open. I heard a voice behind me._

_"and now you don't even have the patience to wait for me to open this door." When her voice is like that I knew for a fact she was still mad but there is this lingering feeling that she wants to be wooed. I knew it and I know this is my fault too. I tried to think really hard if i should turn around now. Internally i thought of ways of how to answer back to that i didn't have a clue. 'should it be...I'm not leaving i was just going to text Quinn... seems wrong and defensive... or should I start with babe... Baby?' Fine. I pulled the ring from my pocket and opened it before i turned around. I did and as I was facing her holding the ring on my palm, the word came out._

_"Baby..I-" before i could even finish the statement, she cut me to it._

_"That's it? Go home. And don't baby me Brittany... i'm not your baby, we're broken up" she turned around and walked inside the apartment leaving the door open. I didn't know if I should be sad, that she specifically said that we're broken up or be happy with the fact that she left the door open meaning she actually wanted to be wooed. I didn't think anymore it seems like the more I think about what to do the more I get in trouble. So I just followed her inside and spoke again._

_"Is that what you want us to be?" I asked her. At this point, i needed to use all the possible powers I had against her so I pouted._

_"Don't even give me that pout, you're the one who wanted this." She turned around eyes closed crossing her arms across her chest. This should be serious but I can't help but let out a bit of a laugh because of what she's doing and feeling a bit frustrated that she was again assuming facts. As I was admitting to myself, that my powers aren't even gonna work tonight, thinking of what i could say to her after that, she spoke again._

_"and you think this is funny.?" She asked with eyes still closed. Her voice was quivering and i felt like she was on the verge of crying. The impulse in me kicked in. I moved towards her and spontaneously I hugged her. Gripping tightly around her small frame, to the point that she can't move, I inched my lips close to her ear and the words came out._

_"I don't and I'm sorry babe, I really am." I shut my eyes tightly as a tear fell from my eye._

_"And you're apologizing now because its true isn't it? you really don't want to marry me." She said with a mix of anger and frustration. I breathed out while still holding her. "I'm such a loser for thinking we'd be together forever, when you clearly don't want it." She kept talking while she was struggling in my embrace. "I don't need your pity, Let go of me Britt!" She keeps on struggling wanting to push me away, but I'm not releasing her from my hold, instead i held her tighter. She might need air at some point but I'm not just about to let go yet. I needed to say something, something to reassure her i will not make the same mistake letting her not listen to me like that time when she first told me she loved me and she thought I was bluntly choosing Artie. I will not let this pass, like that time I told her I'm not going to New York to study like her ,since this chance is now or never. This is make or break. I understand those terms and I sure as hell don't want never and break, it has to be now and I have to make it happen._

_"No! I'm not letting go, not until you give me a chance to explain and listen to me." Then her struggling stopped. I loosen my hold on her. I moved my hand to grasp both of her upper arms. I pulled away wanting to look at her. Her head was bowed but I can see that her face was stained with tears. I lowered my head a bit trying to make her look at me._

_"Now..." I trailed off. "can we talk?" She nodded and sniffed. I brought a hand to her face to wipe her not so visible tears. "I want you to listen to every word I would say okay?" She nodded again and i can see with her puppy dog eyes she means it that she will. "I don't want us to break up... so for me we're not broken up..." She sniffed. "And I guess I'm a loser too since I'm thinking we'd be together forever and worse, I never doubted it." She sniffed brought her hand up and rubbed her eyes with it. "And I would never say I don't want to when it comes to marrying you, because I don't know that and I will never learn that, I'm not aware that, that even exists. It never crossed my mind and it never will because the only thing i know and want, is to marry you Santana." She smiled, but this time she avoided looking at me. She turned her head to the side. I caught her chin with my fingertips and turned her head to face me again. "I'm holding on to dear life here, hoping that you still want to marry me because I so want to marry you San." I smiled at her. I rest my forehead against hers. "I'm asking you now" I took out the velvet case "Do You" My gaze shifts from her to the ring I'm trying to pull out. When I finally got it, i said "still want to marry me?" I bit my lips awaiting her answer my face shifting from half smiling to nervous._

_"always" She said. My half smile turned into a grin and she was now fully smiling handing her hand out to me. I held it and placed the ring on her finger. She pulled me by the neck and crashed her lips to mine. I kissed her back passionately. She murmured in between kisses._

_"I'll get your ring." She pulled back and went into her room._

_As I was waiting for her to be back, i thought to myself. 'This is a dream come true after all, maybe even bigger.' My dream to dance would just have to wait. Right now, what I know is being with her and thinking that I'd be spending the rest of my life with her fulfills me._

-0-

Thinking about it, I was so afraid to lose Santana then and even more I was afraid to lose her now. I thought then that everything would be easy after we get married. I thought that either way its win-win since both of those things make me happy. That i didn't really have to choose since one thing would just have to wait. I thought getting married would secure everything and then I can go and chase my dreams. But I was wrong and it was selfish. I was pulled out from my thoughts.

When I heard Louie speak again. "So last show on Sunday?" He smiled at me with so much hope I would stay 'til Sunday.

"Last show on Sunday" I told him. Emphasizing that i will be there and for the last time. I stood up while Louie handed me back my certificate. I held my hand out to him to shake his hand but instead of just taking it, he pulled me into a hug. While he crushed me into his toned arms, I whispered to him "thank you" he gave me a friendly peck on the cheek and pulled away. I flashed him a wide grin. Then, I left his office and went on my way.

I hailed a cab and went back to my apartment. Tomorrow would be rehearsals. Perhaps on Sunday I can do at least 1-2 numbers but I guess I still have to ask Louie about that. I still do have to say goodbye to everyone, it's gonna be sad I know, since this has been my life for the last five years. The last five years which should have been a life with Santana instead became a life living my dream with Santana in the background. It was fun dancing and hearing the loud cheering and seeing the crowd dance with you. But more to than that I was sure, nothing would compare to have Santana clapping for me and cheering for me, I'm pretty sure she, having her as my audience, would equal the biggest crowd and the loudest cheer because in a pool of people watching me dance she would be the only one that matter.

I entered my apartment and headed straight into my room. If I'm gonna start getting my life back, my married life, that is, I would have to begin where I started to realize I was losing it and made me realize I actually wanted it back.

-0-

_It has been four years since I've been on tour. I've gone home only 4 months within the last three years. But soon its gonna be 6 since I'm bound to go home for my break in two weeks._

_Everytime that my vacation is nearing i start feeling giddy and happy and excited. Barely seeing my wife within a year is not the ideal marriage, but mine definitely understands why I'm doing this and she would want nothing but for me but to be happy. Dancing, she knows is my dream and she knows it makes me happy. We just love each other like that._

_It was late in the afternoon and I was having my late lunch. Louie wanted the steps to be completed before he let us out because so that later would be used for mastering and rehearsing the steps. The show is in three days so he didn't want to waste anytime. As i was about to take a spoonful of mashed potato, I heard my phone ring. I took it out and looked as to who it can possibly be. When i looked at the screen the name Daddy flashed on the screen. I immediately answered it._

_"Hey Daddy!" I was surprised. But i'm glad he called he doesn't usually call. It was usually mom who would and if he's there he'll just have to take the phone away from her and talk to me._

_"Hey princess! Your in London now? That's what mom said." he asked. He had always called me princess and Mandy my sister would simple be Mandy, maybe because I was born first. Besides that he's always protective of me, he still talks to me like I'm a baby and everytime he does i somehow turn into one._

_"Yup, why do you ask?" a simple inquiry since it was an unusual call and obviously he knows the answer because as he said mom told him._

_"I'm here in London, in the city." He told me. I felt excited. Its been a long time since I've seen my father after I got married and went on tour I haven't been to Lima even during my short breaks I can't as much as possible I want to spend it with San and she couldn't just take a break._

_"Business?" I was sure he's here on business. Ever since I was a kid, i grew up not seeing my Dad not as usual as other kids. It's either he's out of town or out of the country or spending his time at the office. He's that much of a workaholic. But when he does spend time it's definitely quality time._

_"Yes, but i really want to see you. Is it possible for you to meet me?" He asked. Of course he knew i was busy. But since he was just here too I guess I can get some hours off, this is a rare opportunity that he's here and considering I haven't seen him i guess it is a must that i do._

_"Of course. I'll be there. Breakfast tomorrow?" I told him because I still had to finish the day today. Louie would be pissed if i snuck out in the middle of the day._

_"I was hoping for dinner, but breakfast is fine. I'll see you then." Daddy's cute. He could hold what it is on his mind when it comes to me and he's request but he would always give in._

_"Okay just i'll just call you tomorrow for the details when I'm actually there in the city. See you Daddy." With that I ended the call. I can't wait to see my dad._

_I entered the Cinnamon Kitchen since Daddy said he'll be there around ten. Walking through the restaurant. I saw a flash of handsome blonde hair whom I knew belong to only one person. With his back turned to me. I tapped him on the shoulder. He immediately looked up and stood up and engulfed me in his embrace almost lifting me from the ground._

_"I'm so glad to see you princess" He said as he embraced me tightly._

_"me too Daddy... but i need some air..." i told him since i almost can't breathe._

_"i'm sorry. I just missed you" he said while he slowly put me back down._

_"I missed you too Dad" I told him placing a soft kiss on his lips. He gestured for me to sit as he pulled out a chair beside him. For which i thanked him. He gestured for the waiter and we made gave him our orders. As he sipped the coffee he had previously ordered before my arrival. He started by asking about work._

_"How's work?" of course that's the first question he would ask. I smiled._

_"it's fine a bit tiring, but i enjoy it. how are you? Mom? And mandy" I asked about everybody since I haven't seen for god knows how long._

_"They're fine, Mandy's in California on a vacation with her friends, Mom is you know still the same, although since she is alone she spends her time in office more when I'm not there. How's Santana?" he asked. Its nice to see how well San has jived into our family and me to hers. Perhaps maybe because we've been friends a long time and our families aren't exactly strangers to each other. But before I can answer that Daddy asked again. "have you talked to her.?" I wonder why he was inquiring. But i guess it was but a natural question. What puzzled me more was the way he avoided my gaze_

_"She is fine and of course we always talk Daddy, that would be crazy if we didn't right?" I stated what should be obvious I mean it's not like there is a problem with communication or something for us not to be able to talk but I need to ask him just in case. "Why do you ask?"_

_"Uh... nothing, I just wanted to know how you two are." I can accept that answer of course he wanted know how we are. "So when does this touring of yours actually end?" Now, that's rare. 'end?' It made me think._

_"Nothing definite yet, why do you ask?" I asked me simply because i wanted to know why he wants to know but before he can answer I asked him again. "Why are you talking to me about this? Is there a problem Daddy?" I asked him placing my hand on his arm._

_"No, no problem at all. I'm just asking" Now he was trying to dismiss the topic he initiated._

_"Don't you like me touring? Did Santana tell you anything about this?" I wanted to know if he had any problem._

_"I just think that a young couple like you should be together most of the time." He said still not meeting my eyes. He's simply placed his hand over mine. "Distance might pull you apart. Where is our order by the way. I think it's taking too long."_

_"Daddy you're not telling me something." I'm so confused as to why he would tell or ask me about something like that. "Tell me, is San alright?" I asked him again. My voice was quivering and I can feel tears in my eyes if it was because of confusion or because of something else i'm not sure and if there's one thing my Daddy can't stand that is to see me cry._

_"I saw her a couple of months ago, with some girl" He said sternly with his gaze on the table and head bowed. He placed his hand on my arm perhaps to calm me. Almost immediately i pulled it away from him. I can't believe what he just more importantly i can't believe he's saying something like that about San._

_"You're lying" i told him. " Did you just come here to tell me this?" He just shook his head. "i don't know why you're doing this? You love Santana Daddy, why are you doing this?" I told him as the tears continue to fall. He wanted to wipe it with his hand but I pushed it away._

_"I just don't want you to be hurt" He told me. "I don't like you to think there's nothing wrong because there is" he continued to say." I don't want you losing in the end princess and even if it makes you mad I would protect you no matter what, even from Santana" he said trying to calm me down. But i can't because as much as i can feel the truth in his words, i don't want to believe him._

_"I'll prove to you you're wrong. Santana would never do that to me not ever" I told him my voice stronger and firm as each word came out._

_"I don't want you to be disappointed, and now that you know, at least you have a choice to think if you still want to be with her" He said it as if there is no way that he would be wrong and I hated it._

_" I would never leave her Daddy, even if it is true, I never would, unless she asks me to." At this moment I was ready to stand and leave him. " i don't even know why i came here. I totally regret this, I'm leaving." I stood up and left my dad sitting by the table by himself._

_On my way back to Knightsbridge, i still can't believe what daddy told me. As much as i wanted not to believe it, I can't seem to shake the feeling that he was telling the truth. I called Addie and asked her to book me a flight to New York. I needed to prove Daddy was wrong, because i badly wanted to do so. I'm sure its just some girl who flirted with her. She would never do that, but then again the way Daddy told me about it even without the details, he wouldn't say something like that. He knows the difference of big things from petty ones. But one thing i'm sure of I hoped desperately that Daddy would be wrong._

_After some hours of flight, I arrived in New York. I directly went to Santana's office to make it appear like my arrival was a surprise._

_When I got there, her assistant, Evelyn, whom I've never met before, was kind enough to welcome me and accompany me while we wait for San in her office since in she said San's office was closed. I looked around Evelyn's office it was nothing out of the ordinary, but what caught my eyes was a box in the corner holding a bunch of picture frames which I think were mine and Santana's. I ignored it, perhaps San just her to organize them. After a while San told me to go home that Evelyn would accompany me since she will be staying late in the office. I complied._

_I entered my house and suddenly i felt like it was empty. I've been home but within less than a year it changed so much from what I last saw of it. I was even more suprised that Evelyn knew a lot of things in this house than I can probably pinpoint by myself._

_Time flew by, since after dinner, I engaged Evelyn into chit-chatting with me. I asked her about San's work and she asked me a couple of things about the tour. I easily got comfortable with her. She was a nice lady, plus I'm pretty sure she wasn't that woman perhaps Daddy was talking about. 'It's not true' i thought internally. I didn't want to think I was here just to spy on my wife. I wanted to talk to her about it properly. We were cut off from our chat when San burst into the room._

_She immediately went to my side and placed a kiss on my forehead. As near as she was to me, I took in her scent. It was different, it wasn't like how she would usually smell. I always knew her smell it was distinct. But this time it was different. As we continue to convince Evelyn to stay, she placed her hand on my shoulder. I noticed something and my feelings intensified. Her wedding band wasn't there where it was supposed to be. I so wanted Daddy to be wrong but as I inched closer and closer to the details I'm seeing, it gives clarity to everything he has told me._

_After San had dinner and after we lead Evelyn to her room giving her the necessities she needed. San and I went to ours. As we entered, I grabbed her by the waist and lead her to the bed. I missed my wife and we haven't been very active in that area because she was always busy and most of the time I wasn't here. But then again, the purpose of this was to prove Daddy was wrong. As soon as I was on top of her, I started to peel off her clothes. The alien smell lingered but I ignored it. As soon as I can possibly remove the first article of clothing I intended to discard. San stopped me._

_"Babe as much as I want this, I really need to take a shower, I'm really tired" she said giving me a half smile. " tomorrow?" She asked._

_"Sure. You should rest." I told her and then rolled off of her. I grabbed a book from the shelf and settled myself on the bed. After a few minutes of reading, San appeared from the bathroom. She was in her lingerie, making me squirm trying to hold back what I was feeling of wanting to devour her. But i must stay calm, she then pulled away the covers and got under it. Before she finally settled to lay properly she smiled at me and asked._

_"Still reading?" I nodded. "You should sleep too, you're tired" she added._

_"I will, in a while" I told her. Then she spoke again._

_"Just don't stay up too late..." She reminded. Then continued " Good night babe, im so glad you're home." then she gave me a peck on the lips._

_"Good night" I said back dropping a kiss to her forehead as she pulled the covers up to her body._

_A few minutes and I felt San's breathing even out. I'm pretty sure she's deeply asleep. I looked at her hand draped over the covers, to my disappointment the ring still wasn't there._

_I went into the bathroom and searched the laundry shoot for her previously discarded pieces of clothing. I searched the pockets of her pants but it wasn't there. I held Her blazer up and rummaged to its pocket. On its left pocket i felt something cold. I hope that it was the band and I pulled it out, thankfully it was. Holding on to it, I went back into the room._

_I had to control my feelings. I can't be mad. It's nothing, it's just a bump on the road i repeated to myself. I seated myself on my side of the bed. I took Santana's hand, positoned it and slipped the ring on her finger. At that very moment, the feeling kicked in. A tear fell from my eye. The fact that I was doing this, proved Daddy was right. I didn't want to believe it but he was._

_I felt like I couldn't control the next flow of tears which were threatening to fall. I ran into the bathroom as quietly as I can. The tears flowed, almost as if I can't stop it. I can't go back in there until i calmed down, but I can't, at the back of my mind I was hoping its nothing. I hoped to high heavens it was a one time thing because I wasn't here. Then It would be my fault and I can accept that. As soon as I felt like I could handle to be out there, I looked at my ring and suddenly I felt myself slipping it off my finger. At that instance, i felt like somehow it relieved me of the pain. I went back into the room. I walked towards the bed and settled myself under the covers. I wrapped an arm around her and waited for sleep to fall upon me, like i knew nothing, like i did nothing and like i felt nothing._

_-0-_

I opened my drawer and immediately saw the velvet case where I kept it. I took the case and opened it. I saw my wedding band sparkled as the light from the setting sun hit it. I pulled it out and eyed it for a while. It was time.

I will get it back and this is that start to chasing the bigger dream.

I slipped it back on and moved it to my lips.

Sealing it with a kiss.


	19. Book 2: 3

Book Two: Committed To You Otherwise

_Chapter 3: For Good_

-0-

_I went back to London immediately after my 2 month vacation. I packed my bags like i usually did everytime i left home for another shot at my big dream. But the feelings i had we're different. I felt heavier, every step i took, away from what was supposed to be my home, seemed to hit the ground like a boulder. I felt like the bags i brought with me doubled in weight and now carrying them and pulling my luggage, I felt exhausted. But even with that i felt like something was pushing me away from that place. Easing my way out of there._

_Santana's rejection on the first night I was back did not only speak of that moment. It spoke to me everyday. Everyday I was there, i felt it. When i woke up, she wasn't there. I would call her and it would feel like i was still in London and that i wasn't there. I did not bother to rearrange anything in that house. I didn't feel like it was my place to do so. Besides, San would not want to be confused by repositioning these things. I would try my best to prepare her things but almost always I was wrong. So i preferred to wait for her to ask me for something or to make me do soemthing. At least with that, knowing that what I am doing is what she really wants. I noticed she avoided eye contact. I can't actually say she looked at me differently or not the same way she looked at me before because she almost always doesn't look at me. I tried to dismiss everything in my mind. Everything I felt like I should feel knowing what i know. I tried to think i didn't know what I knew, what i learned._

_Suddenly, with pushing away everything that was confusing me, I wasn't as carefree or as innocent or as trusting as I used to be. I had to guard myself from myself. I can't trust myself not to lose it any moment, any moment i felt like i was going to explode and all my frustrations would just burstout of my heart. Now, i know what it feels like to be insecure. I felt like my self-esteem just hit rock bottom. 'So that's what it feels like' i told myself oftentimes. And the saddest part was admitting to myself that I can't do anything about it. I just felt like I can't. Since I know I caused it but it's hurting me. It felt so bad, so much worse than being called stupid, than being hidden or denied. It was all those feelings altogether because this screams and slaps me on the face, stupid. Santana never called me stupid. But right now she made me feel like one. People always told me I was, but I never faltered. What hurts more is that even myself would call me stupid right now. Yes it is my fault and I was so stupid not being able to predict this can happen and know that this is happening._

_I felt like I had to save myself from that. I caused this. But somehow I don't want to fight for it. It is easier to leave now, to be away from all of these, because i felt like I wasn't leaving anything. The things i'm carrying right now was heavier, because but it easier to leave because for the first time in this back and forthing I wasn't leaving my heart behind. I'm not quite sure what I wanted. I just knew I'm locking her down to something she may not anymore want. But i had to keep it for now since I wasn't sure if I was ready to let it all go since this marriage is my security blanket. Maybe letting my ring slip off would at least liberate her in some ways. But right now I must contemplate on what I should do. There is no need to tell her I just need to figure it out within myself. I never believed in that saying that the less you care the more power you have because right now I know I care more and I have the power whether to keep this going or not. That's the power marriage gives you._

_I arrived at the airport and Addie was there to welcome me back. Upon seeing her i made my way towards her._

_"How was the vacation?" She asked me cheerfully. She might be thinking I was on some peaceful retreat but i wasn't, it was a turmoil._

_"It was fine." I lied. But then it wouldn't go unnnoticed._

_"You don't seem rested." Addie raised her hand to rub my arms. I don't want to break down here._

_"I'm just tired from the trip." I told her wanting to dismiss the small talk. Its not that i didn't trust Addie, I just wanted to ponder on things by myself. Definitely talking about it will not help._

_I settled for a silent trip back to my apartment. I just can't wait to go back to work. Working will take my mind off of things. Hopefully, off Santana._

_I didn't count of how much time I actually had to think about things. But I haven't made a decision. I haven't told anyone either. Every day, I go to work to dance. Every night I went home to my sanctuary. Every night I touched myself to convince myself to feel like i have her. Every night I saw Santana making love to me, like before, but then it would take me to a thought I'd rather not see. Thinking that other people touched my wife and she did the same, made want to be unusually rough against myself somehow waiting for the vision of Santana topping me, making love to me, to come into my mind again, but it never returned once that thought of her doing such things with another person entered my mind. Feeling the warmth, the sensual tension but without actual release or satisfaction made me feel tired, restless and that would lull me to sleep, allowing me to go off dreamland to let this feeling of confusion vanish away. But then, morning would come and the first thing that would come to my mind was it. The thoughts of her kept bothering even at times when it shouldn't because i wanted to get over it, or over her. I'd take anything i can to do away with either but neither happened and I can feel the thoughts, the confusion affected my job and the way i performed everyday._

_The ditzy blonde that I am couldn't perfect a f*cking dance step._

_Earlier that day. Louie kept repeating and starting over and over again as he saw me trip and lose count. For the gazillion time, I could get that turn. I slumped myself on the floor. Louie decided to let the others take a break. However Lily decided to stay. From my back Lily approached me from the front Louie did. They surrounded me and looked at me like they felt pity for me without understanding why. I brought myself up, before they even corner me and then i spoke so they wouldn't ask._

_"Let's stay behind and help me get this" I told them. Louie and Lily started to spread again. Lily set the music and as soon as the beat started we started to move._

_"F*ck" The curse word escaped my mouth. There it was, that turn again, and I didn't get it again. Louie gestured to Lily to stop the music._

_They again approached me i turned my back to both of them._

_"Turn it on, let's do it again" I told them. I walked over to my water and as i was opening the bottle. I felt a hand on my shoulder._

_"That's enough for the day" Lily said in very soft spoken voice. Louie followed suit. They were just staring at me._

_I turned to face them. "No." I told them looking upwards and shaking my head. "I will get it. Just give me another try." I told them acting nonchalant to their inquiring gaze._

_"No, Britty, that is enough. You've been practicing this these couple of days but I guess that step really is a hard one for you." Louie told me calmly. But instead of feeling like he was being considerate it ticked a nerve in my brain._

_"Are you telling me I'm not good enough for this? You know very well I can do this. I'm your F*cking best dancer! I can do this dance! I may not have been able to keep a f*cking marriage together but I can dance Louie!" I was deaf to the tone of my voice. I was incoherent to even realize what words coming out of my mouth. Talking to my boss that way will probably cause me the one thing I was holding on to. Lily came closer to me and took my hand. She stared at it for a little while and then the words that would break me came after._

_"Britt what happened.?" As if not content with just holding my hand, Lily engulfed me in a hug. And as soon as I felt her close to me. The stream of tears started to flow. I felt Lily's head shift as soon as it stopped, I saw Louie talking to his assistant by the door. He went over to us as soon as he was finished._

_"Get dressed. We're going." He uttered with his voice which was strong and trying to be calm._

_Everything was a blur, minutes of crying made me numbed and oblivious to where were going and why i was with them. Lily was still holding on to me like I was a baby. I felt safe. Safe enough that i can talk about it._

_We stopped at a store and waited for Louie to come back. Making his way inside a car, he throws the bag he was carrying and it was full with liquor and other stuff._

_"We're talking about this over a good drink and forgetting it over a bad hang over." He stated as he started the car again. Making our way to my apartment._

_We entered my apartment, Lily carefully sat me on the couch. It's even a mystery to me how i was able to move my feet to get here. I guess I was too numb to even notice, that but not too numb to forget why I was feeling this way at all. Lily immediately went with Louie to the kitchen and started setting up things for our little chatter session. Fine, its not chatter for me. This is agonizing reliving the things I tried to forget months ago. But i know my friends wouldn't back down now._

_"Okay all set up" Louie said without sounding to cheerful but just right._

_They placed the drinks on the coffee table and took their seats facing me. I just stared at them blankly. Louie started to pour a shot of tequila and then handed me a beer. The shot glass was choking on its neck. I widened my eyes at him. But he just smiled._

_"First shot's yours." He simply said. Pointing to the shot with his hand. I rolled my eyes, but took it nonetheles. After sucking on the lemon I swig the beer bottle and drank away. The two of them just stared at me. I didn't know how to start. So I said the best thing that would allow this conversation to flow. There's no escaping it anyway._

_"She's cheating on me." I bluntly stated my face was void of emotion as the words escaped my mouth. I just stared blankly at the wall between their heads. Lily's eyes widened, while Louie took a shot and gulped his beer loudly._

_"Is that why you're not wearing the ring?" Lily couldn't help but ask while taking her shot._

_"That's why I took it off" I told her. Realizing my beer bottle was empty I took the Jack Daniel's adjacent to it and gulped an amount which i think i shouldn't have._

_"Is that why you're distracted?" Louie added raising his eyebrows at me. He continued to fill the shot glass and went on gulping his beer._

_I shifted my gaze to the floor. "I don't know what I should do. It just f*cking hurts. I couldn't even explain how much. It's like its stomping on my heart" I can feel the effects of the liquid which inundated my throat but I didn't care I filled myself again with it._

_"You should end it. Divorce her. Cheating is cheating. No matter how often, how bad or how petty. It's broken. She broke it. You may be able to fix it... but you would always see the crack." Louie stated firmly. Him and his analogies, but it made sense. Lily rolled her eyes at what Louie said, she didn't even budge in trying to speak her mind._

_"Britt, don't listen to him. You have to think about it really well okay sweetie? You've been together a long time. I was a witness to that." Lily told me calmly rubbing smooth circles on my knee. I couldn't stop my tears when they started to fall._

_"I don't know what to think anymore. I just feel like she's closing up on me. She's cold. She's not like what she was before. She's rejecting me. I know this is my fault. Being away all the time, but she has always told me to make my dreams come true, for her, for us. I don't want to think I made a mistake or even just that I misread her words because she's doing this." I told them in between sobs._

_"Exactly, she should be supporting you through this. It's not like you stopped her from being a lawyer. She should understand that its not as easy as she thinks it is for you. She's selfish Britt and she's not worth your tears." I can feel Louie getting emotional and the effeminate side of him showing meaning he was drunk. But i hear him i get what he is saying and right now all i can feel is somebody is on my side as against what San has done._

_"Don't let him confuse you Britt. Don't let him cloud your judgment. Maybe she's just having a hard time coping with this. You know she loves you Britt. Because if she doesn't she would have had made a move by now. It's just a little bump on the road as they say. You have a beautiful wife and since you're not there, temptations are there. I'm not saying what she's doing is right, but we also have our flaws." What Lily just said hit me._

_She was right. I can't let this break us just like that. We make it work like how i promised her. Like how i told Daddy I would never leave San. This is just a different problem. San has always been weak. No matter how scared other people might be of her. I know better. She would never say it out loud either. She would just make you feel it and hope for the best that you would. We've had bigger problems than this. I shouldn't let this come in between us. Maybe that's her way of telling me that she doesn't want this set up. I would have to let her know i hate it too but we're gonna get through it together._

-0-

Here we are now, the three of us with Addie, in my apartment. Saturday night. We just finished rehearsals for tomorrow's show. My last show. I smiled happily considering how hurt i was before this. But ever since i decided to make things right and after the trip to Lima I knew and I was sure our love was intact. It has not been shaken. And even with the physical factors that might have came between us. I knew that love remained untouched.

As i was just finishing putting the dishes away and preparing desserts for everyone, when I saw Lily make her way to the kitchen. She looked at my hand and stared at it.

"I see you're wearing it again huh?" She gave me a sweet smile which i gladly returned.

"Yeah, i'm so glad i listened to you and decided not to be oscar the grouch." I turned my focus back to placing the desserts on the platter and then Lily stifled a laugh. I'm pretty sure she understood what i meant.

"I'm glad you did decide to fight for it Britt and not listen to Louie the pessimist." She said as she rolled her eyes. It was my turn to laugh. I was really drunk that night we talked about it and had Lily not been there i would have divorced San the morning after because Louie the pessismist was a good talker.

"Yeah, I'm glad i didn't too. But I was on edge a little more and he could have had me convinced he was right. But nah, i love only her and she loves only me and I know it and now I'm more than sure she knows it and that's all that matters. Nothing could ever come between us." I told her convinced and satisfied with the declarations I just made.

"Oh how about this little fellow inside there? He... or she must count for something." Lily cooed touching my belly almost as if she was talking to the baby.

I rubbed my belly for a bit unrushed "of course, you're making things right for Mommy are you?" I said talking to my belly. I then looked at Lily "I feel so right about this. But I will definitely miss you guys" I told her and gave her a half smile.

She smiled back sensing that this is all at the same time tending to be a sad and happy moment for me. "You did well Britt, you made your dreams come true, and now its time for you to make your dreams come true together." She placed a hand on my shoulder. Then turned to help me fix more of the desserts. "So you're leaving Monday huh?" she asked.

"Yup, I really want to surprise her. I'll be there just in time when she gets home from work. She'll totally freak out" I told her. San and I had been talking but I haven't mentioned anything to her. She hates surprises, but I'm pretty sure this is one surprise she's not gonna hate.

"Oh, no matter what time you arrive it will still surprise her, because you are back, and this time its for good." Lily said as she placed a fork on the last plate.

"Yeah definitely it will be for good." I muttered almost inaudible but Lily heard it nonetheless. She flashed me a wide grin. We carried the plates with desserts and made our way to the living room to the other two waiting for us to return.


	20. Book 2: 4

Book Two: Committed To You Otherwise

_Chapter 4: I'm Home Really._

As I slowly opened my eyes, looking out the window, I saw that we were literally flying above the clouds I can't help but think that I feel exactly the same way. I'm happy. It feels like everything is right and will soon fall into place. I've just woken up and I didn't even realize I fell asleep. I felt peaceful, energized, giddy, and nervous all at the same time. Like it was the first time I was coming home. Unlike any other trips to home I've taken before, I've got more things with me now. It took me a longer time packing all my things but I wasn't tired. With Lily, Louie and Addie's help, it was easy.

But more than that, knowing what packing all those things entails made it fun to be doing so. Even knowing that i'll be leaving what has been the biggest of my achievements behind me, it didn't feel heavy. Every trip I made home before was like leaving half of my heart behind and the same feeling engulfed me leaving my home for it. But this time it was different. I'm not actually saying that it's easy leaving that dream behind, I guess it never will be easy, but having a reason to do so and making my choice it made that move easier. After all that happened, this choice is what makes me happy and the reason behind it, I knew, was more important than anything else.

I guess seeing the supportive happy faces of my friends have also helped somehow. Besides the continuous murmurs of how they're gonna miss me, Lily's constant reminder of the excitement of starting a family would bring to me and San and Louie's snarky remarks and options of me trying the D-word and getting back on tour instead and even taking the kid with me if I'd want to and how he would gladly have me back and Addie's recollection of how she has been used as conspirator by San in all the gift deliveries and surprises. It makes me think I've made something out of myself even though I might not have reached the peak, as they actually call it. But is there really that stop, that one goal, I thought about it and I guess there's none. I guess this is my peak, I'm happy about this. This is what I wanted and I got it. But i have another choice and now I made it. Replaying my last performance and all other memories in my head of the adventures I had while I was there, remind me that I've got a lot to treasure and to be thankful for and carrying all those with me I guess I'm satisfied, its now time to make other memories of a different aspect of life.

A sudden announcement of voice broke me from my thoughts. We were now landing on JFK. My excitement just heightened to a different level. I can't seem to contain myself and what coming home will bring, first off open my phone after i get off the plane.

When i finally reached the airport lobby. I instantly took my phone out and turned it on. As I expected, there immediately came in a text from Addie. As per my last instruction and task to her as her boss, I asked her to check with Evelyn as to what time San would be home today.

**x-x**

**From: Addie Benton**

**To: Brittany Pierce-Lopez**

**-Ms. Foster said Mrs. would be home at 5-**

**-She even asked why but I didn't spill-**

**-have a safe trip-**

**x-x**

I didn't reply, I don't need to, I guess. I looked at my watch and saw that it was only 4 pm. I went on to call Evelyn to make sure I'll beat San home and be there first. I thought it would be better if I did. So, I dialed her number. It didn't take too long for her to pick up.

"Hello Ma'am." Evelyn immediately asked. I've conspired with her in too many things for her not be familiar with me. Calling her is but a normal thing.

"Yes, Evelyn... i just wanted to know what time San would be leaving the office." I asked her sounding nonchalant. As much as possible I don't want to spill anything yet even to Evelyn.

"I think she's just about done. But she's still here, the earliest time that she would be able to leave is 430. Addie asked me the same thing by the way." She told me with not much precision but I wanted to be sure.

"Yeah I actually asked her to. I kinda want to know the exact time she's leaving to get home." I told her, I knew if i wanted to be sure I'd just have to let her into the plan.

"Were you not able to contact her? I can get her for you." The middle aged woman offered. I guess I just really have to tell her now.

"No, no, please don't tell her I was asking. I just need to know when she's going to leave the office and coming from there won't she have any meeting or something?" I asked again, but still did not let her on it at least not yet.

"Okay, well, her afternoon schedule is clear. She doesn't have any meetings anymore. You know, you can ask her that, but if you need my help, You just need to ask..." Evelyn insinuated. Hinting like she felt I was up to something.

I thought it over and figured that it wasn't much, it's not like I'm gonna tell her I'm preggo, I'm just gonna tell her I'm back.

"okay I guess there's no escaping your intuition. I kinda need your help to make sure that San doesn't leave the office, neither too late nor too early. I just want to beat her home and I'm at JFK right now so it won't take so long before I get there." I told her in details so she wouldn't miss it and there won't be anymore questions, so as to be able to tell her more things than what is necessary like the pregnancy.

As excited as I am right now, it takes a lot of effort not to tell everybody I get to meet about the baby. I even told the old woman who sat beside me on the plane. But Evelyn is different, she's San's assistant. As close as they are, even if she promises, I'm pretty sure she won't be able to hold her excitement long enough not tell my wife what is of course nothing but an exciting news. Especially I want to be the one to actually tell her.

"That's all?" She asked to confirm. I really like this woman she's as cooperative as she can be.

"Yup that's all." I confirmed. I smiled she's been helping me a lot these days.

"Oh I'm gonna have her there at whatever time you like. What time approximately would you want her to be there?" Evelyn asked I guess to be sure. No wonder San loves her assistant. I must say she's really good. Not that Addie is bad at it, I guess Evelyn just happen to have more experience.

"5, I guess. Can you do that?" I asked her again. I'm starting to think I'm being a little too insistent.

"Of course, she will be there ma'am" She assured me. I smiled widely while I continue to stuck my hand out hailing a cab.

"Thank you Evelyn." Was my short response to a good deed and great help.

"No problem." I can even feel her smile while saying it. She sounded happy to be of help to me, which by the way she always is. I ended the call just in time when a cab stopped in front of me. Now, I'm well on my way to home.

Just before I exited the cab and had the driver put my luggage down I remembered to send a message to one more person which would make this whole thing a total surprise.

I walked across our garden on my way to the door. I took my keys from my carry on and pick the one to open it. I looked at the clock. 4:30. I was right on time.

I turned the knob and push the door open making way for my bags and suitcases into the house. I didn't realize it until I allowed my eyes to scan the surroundings. The receiving area has changed. I tilted my head to the side trying to figure out what particularly changed within the household I've left more than a month ago.

First thing i noticed was that, the formerly clean plain white walls were now cream and adorned with wooden paneling. The windows accentuated with earth colored curtains but alive than the gray colored drapes that used to hang on its sides. The carpeted floor was in the darker shade of its previous color. I walked in to the kitchen and saw that it was now painted canary yellow. Surrounded by wooden cabinets in its lighter shade and even the color of the counter tops was now warmer. I walked into the dining area and warm yellow lights from the chandelier shimmered through the walls, making visible the new wallpaper that spread through the wide space. I walked through the living area and saw the newly acquired pieces of furniture which seemed fluffier and cozier, complimented by the earth colored pillow cases. However it was not the new face of the whole house which actually made my heart skip a bit. It was the things that I saw in there which I never saw before which made me gasp for air and have tears in my eyes. In the living room I saw a portrait of me and San laughing face to face with each other without a care in the world. Topping the shelf were pictures of us from different occasions and events of our lives. Cheerios. Graduation. Nationals. There were also some pictures of us with some of our group of friends. I felt a tugging in my heart. This place, the colors that surrounded me, the things that i see around it, this is home.

During the last couple of years, I must admit it didn't feel like it. It seemed more like no one's home. It looked like a place where you go to sleep but leave it. It was no less beautiful than this. It was modern it had class, but for me it wasn't home. Here, now, it was different. I didn't arrange these things here but I feel like it has me in its every corner. The things in the kitchen perfectly arranged like how San and I would always use them. Which now, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get lost in like the last few years I've been here.

I treaded my way upstairs, dragging along my things with me. I was surprised to see that our bedroom door was now well in a light wood color, and so is every other door in this house. I stepped inside and not much has changed here. Except, the colorful sheets, that used to be as clean and white as its walls. But letting my eyes land on our free wall, there I saw, in black and white, a picture of San reading a book and a picture of me dancing and between the two not so small frames was a central piece of the picture of our pinkies interlocked together. Another smile made its way to my face. Letting my eyes scan the room again. I saw a picture of me cuddling Lord Tubbington in my arms (may he rest in peace) on the bedside table on San's side of the bed. I can't help it but involuntarily my hands were on top of my chest holding my heart. High on the feeling of being welcomed into this house, i almost missed the sound of the front door opening. I looked at the clock and saw that it was already 5, and if I'm right as Evelyn had promised that would be Santana. I immediately pushed my things into my side of the closet and hurriedly went into the bathroom as I heard foots steps treading the stairs. And then I heard Santana's voice loud and clear. Actually very loud would be more proper.

"So, what you're telling me is that you messed up our chances of having a baby?" hearing her say that i was definitely sure she was talking to the person I last asked to be part of the big surprise. Dr. Carnegie. Maybe later I should apologize to the woman.

"No, no there's no excuse for your negligence" She kept saying in a voice which I was quite sure wasn't necessary. I bet the kind doctor was explaining and my wife, being as feisty as she was, well I have no other word for how she is behaving. I kept listening to her part of the conversation, holding myself from laughing, but even as a kid the feel of playing hide and seek always thrilled me.

"Oh no! you're definitely not stopping me from taking an action. I will definitely charge you for what you've done to us. You're toying with our emotions and giving us false hopes were entitled to damages due to what you're doing." She was really mad. But I doubt if she even listened to anything the doctor said. Its always keywords for Santana, if she hears a word which would irritate her, she would shut down and only actually hear the things she wants which if there are none, then she definitely will not be paying attention. I think its time for me to go out and tame Nala there.

"Yes, I don't care about a thing you're saying, what do you think this is, a joke?" I walked out slowly and quietly tiptoeing my way behind her while she was standing by the doorway, facing the door and halfway to taking off her blazer. I can't help but stifle a laugh, but I made sure she wouldn't hear me considering how loud her voice was.

"I'm gonna have your license revoked, you're incompetent and now you're telling me these lies that we're actually having a ba-" before she can even finish her last word, I placed a quick, soft peck on her puffy right cheek and then immediately pulled away, which made her pause and turn her head to the side. I stood there timidly, trying to look innocent, throwing my gaze upward feigning looking at the ceiling. My lips were pressed together in a thin line. Her eyes were wide open while her mouth agape. She blinked once. I think she remembered she was still on the phone. She turned her body and faced me and held a finger up without tearing her gaze away from me. I narrowed my eyes at her and took her phone away to save the doctor from the torture of her vicious, vicious words. I pressed it to my ear and spoke to Dr. Carnegie.

"Doc, hey... Yeah I'm here" Now it was her turn to narrow her eyes at me. "I'll take care of telling her the rest of the details." San's eyebrows then raised. But I continued talking to the Doctor, not minding her. "I'm sorry for all the trouble and for the things she said. Trust me she wouldn't do those things" I told Dr. Carnegie, to at least ease the doctor from worrying about San's threats, while I widened my eyes at Santana. "Thanks again, so much, yeah, Bye" After I let the last of my words leave my lips. I threw the phone on the bed and continued my staring contest with San. Her eyes were getting smaller, her brows were knitted together and furrowed. I know that look, that mischievous look. So i thought I'd act nonchalant.

"What?" I asked, mocking her. To my surprise a devilish grin appeared on her face. She immediately hurled at me, pushing me down on the bed and then straddled my lap. She raised her two index fingers.

"You're sneaky and got me all mad. errrrr. Payback!" She said with the devilish grin not leaving her face and her index fingers flexing like they were moving on their own. She took her fingers downwards and started poking my sides with it alternately and rapidly, tickling me with no mercy. I tried dodging her attacks but to no avail, i struggled and squirmed beneath her. I started breathing heavily. I was gasping for air. The mixture of excitement, fear, and tickles were too much to take. I put my best effort to free my hands from underneath her legs but i failed. I started to turn my head side to side restlessly, scrunching my face to one side while breathing out the words of surrender.

"I give up! I give up! I give up!" I told her repetitively. Then the tickling stopped. I slowly tried to open my eyes. Little by little, I was able to see Santana's face, the light of the setting afternoon sun shining upon it. She sported a wide grin and a peaceful look. She looked like she got tired of tickling me too. We were both breathing heavily, easing ourselves of the tension and slowly evening out our breaths until she finally spoke through deep breaths while she continued to stay in her place on my lap, and looked down upon me.

"So, tell me, is it true?" Her eyes where shining, and I can see she was hoping for a positive response which surprised me, knowing how she felt before. But i pushed the thoughts way focused on the happy face I getting from her. I needed no words to answer her question. I simply flashed her a small even through my thin tightly shut lips and I nodded.

She then started kissing me all over my face. My neck, my jaw, my nose, and my cheeks were peppered with kisses. I felt like i was getting suffocated with the less air that pass through me due to her rapid movements, so I had to stop her.

"Babe..." I let it out with a whiny sigh. She then pulled back and looked at me adoringly.

"Really?" she asked again. I nodded again. "as in really? Really? For real?" She asked again and again and again. I looked back at her adoringly and in a stern voice i told her.

"Really, for real, we're gonna be a family" i told her with all sincerity. A tear fell from her right eye, with the glimmer of light, I saw it fall. Before it even fell halfway down her cheek. I caught it with my thumb and wiped it away. We stared at each other for a while and then i felt her lunge forward, with her lips about to crash into mine. Not anymore tightly restrained by her legs, i pulled my arms back a little and I propped myself up with my elbows and raised my head to meet her halfway. Her lips caught my lower lip and mine caught her upper lip. Our kiss started out slow and sweet. After a while, I felt her hands cupped both my cheeks and our kiss deepened and became passionate. I slowly laid my back onto the bed again and I stretched my arms out and placed one behind her neck and the other tangled in her hair, before we both realized she was on top of me. We continued kissing until we felt the need for air. She pulled back a little and i allowed my head to rest on the bed. The she squinted her one eye and asked.

"Would you want to make it twins?" She smiled and I smiled back at her. I did miss her, I did miss us, I really did miss home. I pulled her back down to let her lips find mine again.


	21. Book 2: 5

Book Two: Committed To You Otherwise

_Chapter 5: Look At Me_

We indulged ourselves in a fit of giggles and silent laughter with no words being spoken. Just the sound of our breaths mixed together as our faces inched closer to each other. Our faces touching, with no other words to describe it but lovingly. I savored the moment, the fun we were having just hearing our breaths filled with excitement. My hands were moving aimlessly on her. I caressed her freely and lightly. Oftenly rubbing her arms to calm her assault, as her hands continue to place soft caresses on my cheeks, neck, my waist and my hips. It was a sweet struggle, which was hardly a struggle really, to prevent her hands from engaging in poking the sides of my body once more while her soft breath continue to tickle the side of my face and the back of my ear. No words, just mere breaths and air kisses which to me were enough to sent tingles throughout my whole body.

The sounds of soft breaths being released slowly faded as we both heard the last of our giggles and laughter as she slowly pulled her face away from mine. She placed one wet kiss on my cheek and looked at me with affection. She was pulling herself backwards, lifting her body away from mine from her previous position on top of me. She supported her weight with her the palm of her hand flat on the bed and her arms stretched levering her to maintain the distance of our bodies. Easily, with her arms on either side of my torso, it moved away grazing my side with fading touches as she crawled backwards with her knees and palms treading the length of our bed. Never tearing her eyes from me, a sweet smile graced her face as she continued to move.

-0-

_I felt the rush of lust run through her body as she rubbed herself against me._

_She hovered over my body as she continued to slam her body against mine._

_Her urgency is reflected by her fast movements._

_I feel her rubbing her soft skin against mine, eager to create fiction and get to business._

_I crave the feel of her skin, but even before I can linger on the feel of that contact, She pulls away to attend to the urgency which were more than those touches._

-0-

My blue eyes continued to bore into her brown ones. For a while, I just looked at her as she moved her body. I observed how slowly she moved away from me. I didn't know what to do next. I felt like i needed to do something. My body somehow with a mind of its own, with the dictates of the tingles it previously felt and the want that was somehow surging within it. It was like being directed by Santana's movements. I found myself being gravitated to move from my comfortable position just lying flat on the bed, my eyes not wanting to disconnect from her gaze. I followed her movements in a direction opposite to hers. My body, as slow as San's movement were, reacted to it. I lifted my head from its previous position, with a small distance of its back from the smooth waves of the bed spread. My hands in reflex, flattened my palm on the bed. My arms bent to lift my upper body a bit. My back rubbed against the soft sheet of fabric. My behind bumped against the surface of the bed, urging my legs to bend to push myself further backwards. I then saw San kneeling at the foot of our bed, her legs retracting backwards. One leg moved, only to have her foot land flatly on our carpeted floor and then her other leg followed suit. After she did she stopped moving and just stood there eyeing me waiting for me to settle. To which I obliged. I stopped in my motions when the back of my head reached the headboard. I settled myself fully relaxed in a reclining position. My rested against the headboard and pillow cradled my back. I placed my hands on top of my belly and I let one of my legs stretch again while the other remained at the knee. I continued to look at her, both of us frozen to our places at the moment. Then she smiled and I smile back at her. The slow movements were suppose to be agonizing but surprisingly it's not how I felt, I felt it was right, allowing us to savor this moments.

-0-

_After hovering over me while my back was against the wall, she slams me back onto the bed and almost immediately she jumps me._

_As she notices that our bodies our fully clothe, she discards the pieces of the offending garments_

_She move to me again and as anxious as she was she ripped my shirt open almost discarding the buttons making it fly out in different directions._

_Tugging at my undergarment and almost ripping it in half._

_-0-_

I felt my eyes blink and for a moment I missed the figure of San from my place on the bed. I realized she was moving again. Her hands were both on her midsection, both of it holding the two folded edges of her blazer. She pulled the edges apart and allowed one side to slide off from her shoulder and the other followed until it was fully off her body and then she allowed it to fall on the floor. Then her hands moved to the last button of her shirt. She undid the first button without removing her eyes from me, when she reached the third button she bit the side of her lips. I knew she felt vulnerable when she did that especially at our present state as I carefully watch her do her thing. She freed the top button but I was surprised when she did not pull it off like what she did with the blazer. However the with all the buttons undone the space created by the separated hemline of her shirt revealed part of her toned abs, the top of her well endowed chest and white lingerie guarding and holding it and pushing it together giving her the most enticing cleavage. Her hands then moved to the button of her trousers undoing it too and eventually the zipper ran to down opening the top of her pants allowing a peek of her white lacy undergarment in sync with the one on top. She shimmied out of her pants letting it bump her hips alternately to lose it's grip on her body and eventually sliding it off her leg, when it reached her ankle she stepped out of it and moved it aside with her foot.

I always admired the contrast of white lingerie against Santana's skin. It makes the natural and beautiful color of her skin pop out even more and it makes her hotter and delectable. Simply irresistible to poor ol' me. I nodded to her direction still melting her image with my gaze, inviting her to come near me with my eyes, my lips, all collaborating to have her as close to me. She however, shook her head showing her decline to my invitation. In return to it I pouted my lips and her smile widened. She then slowly walked towards the bed climbing on top of it and kneeling before me with her upper body upright. She bent a bit forward and took my wrist peeling it away from my belly. With my wrist in her grasp she tugged on it trying to sit me up to get nearer to her. I shrugged but nonetheless complied. We were right in front of each other. She was still kneeling in front of me while i sat indian style, with my wrist still in her hand. She lead the palm of my hand upwards to her face, rubbing her soft cheek against it with her eyes closing at the sensation. Her skin was smooth and warm. She then guided my hand to her neck urging me to place a soft touch. I just let her and i pressed my palm against her skin while I continued to eye her. She then clutched the back of hand with her palm and slowly dragged it downwards from her neck, as she moved my hand I added a bit of pressure against her skin as it made its way to the vast expanse of caramel skin. From her collarbone, the top of her chest to the valley of her breast and then her toned abs. As my hand gets to explore her body with her guidance I can feel my want intensify but i held myself from making any move I want her to guide me through the pleasure she is seeking. She stopped the our hands from moving when it reached the her pelvis, instead she moved it sideways, retracting her hand from clutching on to mine when it has placed my hand firmly on her hip. She then to my other hand and placed it onto the other. With that i clutched her hips firmly.

She then placed her hands on my shoulder and lift me up into the same kneeling position to level her. When i was finally kneeling on the bed, I made my move and pulled her hips closer to my body. Her hands left shoulder and instead encircled my neck, to draw my face closer to hers. She placed an angel kiss on my forehead first. Next things I know her lips has softly touched both of my eyelids and then my cheeks. She moved further to the base of ears, I could only close my eyes as I feel the breathy kisses against the spot where her lips have been. She trailed her way to my jaw, the kisses did not in anyway became forceful they were soft matching the softness of my skin. Then her lips went down to my chin and then made its way to my lips. Her lips were so soft against mine. I didn't try to kiss back just yet. The kisses she gave me were fleeting, airy, short and sweet.

-0-

_Her kisses were hungry. It was the only way i can feel she wants me._

_I kissed her back as hungry as she has kissed me. We groped at each other._

_Even if I wanted to slow it down I can't because the need was urgent. She was kissing me hard. Like how the need should be fulfilled._

_Every spot on my body that she is able to touch with her lips she bit, and nibbled and tugged the skin between her teeth._

_The digging of her nails against my skin as she groped me scraped my skin but I ignored the hurt instead I focused on our need to be satisfied from the we haven't done so much in the last years I've been absent._

-0-

Her lips treaded from the side of my mouth to the puckered outline of my soft thin lips. Then she kissed the tips of my nose and pulled away a bit. I opened my eyes and saw her smile at me again looking straight into my eyes. I smiled back and then her hands fell on my hips. She was tugging at the hem of my shirt. She gave me a quizzical look, and i nodded in return. She held the edge of it between her fingers and slowly she lifted it up. When it reached the side of my breasts I removed my hands from her hips and lifted it over my head to enable her to pull the shirt off my body completely. After she did, she threw it behind her. She lowered her head and placed soft kisses on the path of my throat. As i felt her breath against it I swallowed a bit due to the sensation. Reaching my pulse point she caused her kisses to move across from my neck to my shoulders and then back again to the other shoulder. I felt her inch closer to me, moving forward with her knees to be closer than we already were and her hands were pushing my hips, urging it to bend to cause me to lay flat on the bed.

When I finally had my back against the bed again, she spread her legs apart to be able to place it on either side of my thighs. She took my hands again and placed both of it on either of her shoulders. She moved her face closer to mine again, she brushed her lower lips against the base of my lower lip to the top of my upper lip. I got the message of that gesture and kissed her back taking her lower lip between mine. She tilted her head a bit and continued give me open mouthed kisses which i gladly returned and we were savoring the feel of each other's lips continuously caressing the lips of the other with our own. I then felt her tongue brush my lip, but i did not allow it entrance into my mouth. Instead I waited for it to brush against my lip again and caught it with my own. Our kiss was not needy, not hurried and hungry. It was passionate, deep and savory.

-0-

_I woke up feeling sore. I saw San's side of the bed and it was empty. I looked at the clock and I thought she has gone to work._

_I walked into the bathroom to take a shower. I should be heading to the studio instead of being alone in this house._

_I felt exhausted, sore and heavy. I stripped myself of my clothes. I stood infront of the mirror and then I saw reddish brown spots on my neck. The biting and sucking from last night I guess became too much to handle._

_In no instance did I feel that san tried to smooth it out. She bit me hard and sucked full on my skin. The nibbling ached like small ant bites. She her kisses were of no moment comforting._

_I sat myself on the tub to allow myself to relax. Even on my stomach and shoulders there were the spots, the spots that were the mark of how rough the previous night was. I caressed each of the bruising spots to ease me of the pain and the sore._

-0-

When we felt like we needed to breathe out for much needed air we pulled apart while we both smile into each other's lips. She lowered herself down the length of my body while her lips touched the vast expanse of skin on the top of my breasts. She slowly pulled the straps of my bra aside and i lifted my upper body a bit to allow her to remove it and in a matter of seconds she was able to unclasp it and fully removed it. My bare chest was now accessible to her. She moved her head further downward on the length of my body. Her lips landed on the underside of my breasts alternately. The fleeting kisses around it were making me shudder beneath her. Then her kisses moved lower down my body and i felt the sensation that i was feeling in the lower region of my body heightened. I felt my shiver as she gets closer to hips because as she got closer her kisses deepened. She reached my hips and she looked at me and she hooked her fingers on the waistband of my jeans and underwear. Then her gaze fell on my body, but i caught her between my index finger and my thumb lifted it up to have her gazed focus on me as she does what she was about to do. She obliged to my silent request and focused her gaze on me and she parts my legs as she slides the offending garments slowly down my legs.

I swallowed a few times as I felt my arousal pooling between my thighs. After discarding the garment, she took my ankles in her hands and pushed it forward bending my legs at the knee. I was exposed before her in my full naked glory, she moved closer, and positioned herself between my thighs, her shoulders underneath it. She placed her hands over my thighs for leverage. She looked me straight into the eye again as she inhaled the sweet scent that she was able to find there. She placed breathy kisses on my inner thighs and made her way to my sweet spot. She placed a hand at the top of it and I gasped shocked by the tingles it sent through my whole body. She nuzzled her nose on its outer lips and I squirm and I felt it brush against me.

She placed fleeting kisses on its surface and made her lips brush against its lips. I bucked my hips up at the sensation inching myself closer to her. Her kiss deepened as it landed on the center finding the bundle of nerves therein. Even through the uncontrollable sensation and the never ending shivers I can feel within my body, she continued to brush her soft, warm tongue against it which made all other feelings escalate. But i did not tore my eyes from the sight and she too did not. She continued with her motions and her tongue went deeper in its conquest in slow tingling motions with revere. I was writhing beneath her but she held me in place. She continued to hover over it and I'm getting more soaked as she continued with her ministrations. When I felt like I couldn't hold it anymore, all that I was able to do was let out sounds of undeniable pleasure.

Though the pleasure is getting more intense, and to through hooded lids, I can still see San lovingly looking at I felt my body relaxed I felt San slowed down in her motions and eventually pulled away. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and I smiled at her although i felt exhausted. She looked like a kid who just had her favorite treat and was all messed up by it wiping her mouth to erase the trace of a clumsy habit. I tried my best to sit up lifting myself again off the bed.

-0-

_She did not wait for the moment and almost immediately she thrust inside me forcefully._

_She did not even noticed how I was not ready to be conquered that the friction of her touch against me was rough and she did not know that it hurt. A tear fell from my eye as I felt like she was ripping me apart._

_I tried my best to have her eyes on me, while she continued in her ministrations, at least to ease the pain of it and she'll eventually see that i needed more and I wanted it slow, but with the movements fast and urgent, I wasn't able to have her look at me. I figured she was just focused on the act carried away by the lustful emotions._

_So i tried, I bucked my hip and tried to follow her rhythm to ease myself of the rushed impact of the intrusion. As the thrusting continued, my body adjusted and she was now pulling out and pushing in to me with ease. But the force behind her movements did not lessen. She was thrusting rapidly like she wanted it so bad to finish quickly. I returned the favor thinking perhaps that's how she liked it._

_As I was edging closer to oblivion, the waves of pleasure came and I was thankful, but it was rushed and hurried, and void of contact. Real contact. At the last minute, before I reached my high, I tried but still she did not look into my eyes even if it was just to see if I was satisfied. We both collapsed on the bed exhausted, panting heavily and eventually pulled apart._

-0-

I pulled her closer to me, and summoned her to straddle lap. I tugged on her open shirt letting her thighs to be at wither side of mine. I slid it off from on of her shoulder and placed a kiss on the caramel skin. Slowly I pulled the shirt off her and threw it behind her. I trailed her body with kisses like how she did before it. and she lingered in the sensation of loving touches that my hands were giving her. While my lips caressed the skin of her neck, her chest, her toned abs. My hands wandered on her body, and rubbing her softly at the small of her back and her scapula and her thighs, which were tightly gripping on my hips. I ventured into grabbing her behind firmly, pulling the cheeks apart just the way i knew she liked it. I lowered my head to her pelvis and allowed my lips to hover over her hips. I removed one of my hands from her behind and placed it just above the spot where she needed me the most and where I knew I needed wanted to be.

As i grazed it with a touch of my palm. I felt Santana tense. I allowed my hand to cup it and lather it with one sweeping touch. As I did I felt her jolt and buck her hips against my hand. Her arousal was waiting to be tapped. I rubbed against once again and this time it was with more pressure that I did. I initially pleasured her through the fabric of her soaked garment. Consequently she got accustomed to the feel of my hands whose rhythm of touch she almost immediately caught and followed. I started pulling her undergarment from the behind her to lower it, to reveal her finally. She complied. She lifted herself upwards for a while and freed herself from the offending garments, from the top and bottom before straddling me once more in my indian style position. When she resumed her previous position, I started rubbing her thighs again to condition her for what's to come. I moved my hand to the spot and tapped it gently with my fingers, she however agitatedly gripped tightly on the base of my neck. I let my free hand travel the length of her body from her neck downwards while other hand continued to caress her. She was bucking her hips furiously begging to be touched more.

I gave in to her request and the moment i thrust deeper into her. her forehead landed against mine. I started the movement slow in small stimulating circles. She never whipped her forehead away from mine, but i felt the pressure it was making pressing against mine. Slowly and with the rhythm she was creating i allowed the addition of a number and another until I can feel her being stretched by it. Her reaction to this was uncontrollable even when I had gripped her thigh to hold her in place. With few sensual slow motions, I felt her tense against me. She was breathing heavy breaths and her body slamming into my hand rapidly. Until she blew a soft long breath of air and shut her eyes for a while until her movements stopped and all I can feel was her breathing. She kissed me again and i kissed her back and we again savored the feel of each other's now swollen lips and exchanging heavier breaths.

After our breaths had evened out we stared into each other's eyes and smiled back at each other happily, last of it, was a soft kiss on each other's lips.


	22. Book 2: 6

Book Two: Committed To You Otherwise

_Chapter 6: Pulling You Back_

I nuzzled in the crook of her neck, taking in her scent as she held me close to her chest. Her arm was wrapped around my shoulder and mine was placed across her abdomen. Her free hand stroked my hair gently as she placed a kiss on my forehead and i stole kisses from under her chin. It was our cuddle position. I'm happy that even through the years of my absence we would always cuddle this way and she never forgot how to hold me. The scent i was inhaling was hers and I'm relieved of the fact that an alien scent did not linger in her anymore, or maybe its because she was here earlier than usual, but like I said I'll forget everything, and make her forget the time she has spent with that woman. Just the way she looked into my eyes just moments ago proves that she is still very much mine. I couldn't be anymore thankful, that i have the chance that no other person was able to change her heart. I was stopped from my deep thoughts when I heard her speak.

"Babe...?" She said while she gently stroked my hair.

"hmmm?" I asked her urging her to continue.

"Was it okay that you came all the way home to tell me? 'coz you know you could've just told me over the phone..." She said trailing off the last part. I felt her head move a bit. I'm not really sure why she was asking she seemed happy about the fact that i was home just before this conversation, so i had to confirm that fact, i guess i had to tell her that this is permanent.

I pulled my head from her neck and lift my gaze up to look at her. "why? don't you like it that I came here to tell you?" I asked her 'coz i wanted to know what was on her mind, and by that i mean what really was on her mind.

"No, its not that, of course I want you here" There it was the gaze, the stare the transparent eyes that i used to be able to read like how i can read her mind. I knew she was telling me the truth. "always, for as long as you can, and if we can even try for good, I'm not complaining but I know you have a job back there and seeing that you can still do it even with the baby, coming back here may not have been that easy." then a smile appeared on her face.

I smiled at her words. This is the moment I've been waiting for "it was easy and we can definitely try that." a simple but lingering statement.

"we can try what babe?" she asked. I knew she would get confused because she was saying too many things.

"me here for good" I told her, nonchalantly. I didn't want to do it in declarative dramatic kind of way. I wanted it to be cool like it's something to be expected that way her reactions would be raw.

"what exactly are you saying britt?" she asked with obvious anxiety to know what I'm gonna say next.

"let's try having me here like... For good?" I asked her. I want her in to this decision. Even if I had things all made up I still want her input I still want her to know she had some say about the things I do.

"Will you be okay with that? I mean, you can still do the tour until... you know... like the 2nd trimester or so..." She asked me like she doesn't want to believe what I was saying.

"I really want to stay here for good, for the baby" I told her with all sincerity. Then i gave her a pleading look. I was like asking her to please want for me to be here. Then she smiled at me, grinned actually in a way, like she was asking if it was for real. "well actually for my two babies." Then i threw a smirk and there was that excited smile once again. People might always mistake me for childlike in my thoughts and the way i act and do things but there's that side to Santana which only I get to see. She really is a big kid that I had taken care of almost the same amount of time that her parents have.

"Baby would love that..." she said baby talking while squeezing me tighter this time, which made me cuddle closer to her. Then she let out a long sigh and then placed a kiss on my forehead. "We are gonna make the best f*cking family ever". I pulled my head away from her neck again and looked at her confused. She looked back at me.

"What?" she asked. I pouted.

"Babies don't curse." I told her matter of factly. She laughed, gave me another kiss and pinched me on the cheek. I just smiled, and cuddled into her comfortably again.

After a while we realized that both of us haven't had anything since we got terribly distracted with a different kind of hunger. We got dressed in more comfortable ensemble of sweats and tees, went downstairs and decided to order in.

"Babe, how does Chinese sound?" She asked me while she stood near the doorway in the living area and awaiting my answer .

"Like Mike and Tina" I retorted back. She rolled her eyes at me. "I'm kidding, perfect" I told her with the cutest grin.

"I know... "she said and gestured a kissed while pouting her lips from a distance, then she turned her back to dial it and I whistled while she walked throwing her hips to the side. She looked over her shoulder and winked at me. These are moments i miss, like how we can just be playful when we're together teasing each other and flirting and being simply awesome. We've always had that chemistry that some couples would need some time to develop, but us, it was instant as friends and as lovers we're always in jive. We get each other like how we know and get ourselves.

After a while, being lost in my thoughts, i was startled when a pair of tanned arms slid from my shoulders hands locking just above my chest. I looked up at her.

"It will be here in a while." She told me. "I hope that's okay, you took me by surprise, i haven't been able to prepare" She added.

I leaned in to her embrace, my eyes closed savoring the moment. "Its okay we always loved Chinese anyways" I told her. I tapped the space beside me on our couch, gesturing for her to take it and she did. Leaning into my side resting her head on my shoulder, i placed an arm around her and allowed my head to rest on top of hers.

Looking at the portrait in front of us. She spoke softly "Do you like it?"

I threw her a glance, "I love it." I told her.

"I had it made. I thought you'd love it, it's one of our best pictures" She narrated, trying to let me into that bit of information.

"I know, and just for the record i loved what you did to the house. It's cozy, and its us." I kissed the top of her head and heard her inhale while i did so. "I'm glad you fixed it". I tucked a few strands of hair behind her ears.

"I'm glad you liked it" She said back. The door bell rung and she stood up almost immediately. She must be hungry, but I am too and I guess our little baby too.

After the scrumptious dinner, we retreated back to our room and decided it was time to rest. After the long flight and her long hours of work and then our arduous activity that we finished a while ago i felt exhausted and she did too. One of the many activities we love is sleeping. We just find comfort to be at rest in each other's arms. But the previous years, it hasn't been that way. I always felt uneasy about it. It's not like how its been since I've been gone. I hope tonight it would be different, like our love making, getting back to the way it was before and unlike the last three years.

-0-

_It has been a long day of practice and we were going to spend the few hours of what's left of the day doing our homework at San's house. After we were dismissed we immediately drove home and wanted to have everything done so we could finally rest. But instead of doing our homework for the day, exhaustion fell upon us and after we changed into something more homey we laid on the bed and eventually fell asleep._

_I didn't really know what time it was but my eyes opened at the feel of something suffocating. I looked around and I recalled that i was in San's bedroom. I looked down at my body hoping to find what caused me the feeling of lack of air. I then saw tan hands clinging on to my neck. A mess of hair was sprawled onto the top of my chest. I looked further down and saw her toned thigh and leg thrown over my midsection. I noticed that mine was also thrown over her lower body and one of my arms was over her waist._

_Perhaps we fell asleep talking, while San was on the other side and me on its opposite. I smiled realizing that even if we did not mean to, we searched for each other in our sleep and even if we were situated separately we would always choose to be close and cuddling and together._

_Seeing that it was already dark outside, i knew i needed to get home in a few hours. I tried to disentangle myself from her, shifting in little movements so I wouldn't wake her. Perhaps my movements weren't as subtle as I thought because she growled in her sleep._

_"arrrrrghhh" She let out louder than a sleeping person should. I thought i should try instead to wake her up to get our homework done and of course for me to be able to free myself from the constricting position._

_"San..." I whispered to her softly._

_"Hmmm?" She sounded conscious enough so I thought I'd push it._

_"We need to wake up now. We have to do our homework now its dark and I need to go home..." I told her as if I was talking to a person who was wide awake, coupled with soft caresses on her cheek._

_"Later, stay, you're warm." She mumbled in her sleep and she inched closer only to have her hold me tighter this time. I smiled to myself and i knew that it was best to stay and wait for her to wake up on her own. I closed my eyes and shifted to a more comfortable position. I held her tighter too maybe everything can be done later when we feel fully rested. I kissed the top of her head and let myself to fall into sleep again until later, we could just stay in each other's arms this way, resting, peaceful, and warm, and maybe could even do this forever._

_-0-_

We pulled away the covers and she got under it. When she has placed the pillows properly she positioned herself comfortably. She had her arms wide open and motioned for me to get in. 'Cuddle and sleep' I thought to myself, who wouldn't want that.

"C'mere" She told me. I dove into her.

I placed myself between her arms and rested my head on her chest and nuzzled in the crook of her neck. I threw my arms around her waist. She embraced me with her arm around my shoulder while her other arm placed comfortably on top of mine. She rested her chin on the top of my head and placed a kiss on my forehead. I kissed her on her chin and said our good night's. 'this is the life' i told myself. We then pulled the covers up to cover our bodies.

Perhaps i was jetlagged, I felt my consciousness even with my eyes closed. I didn't know what time it was but perhaps my body and mind can't help waking up. I still need to adjust to the time difference, but it was too weird to be awake, maybe it was still dark. But i guess i just have to keep trying to sleep.

But i figured it was not only that, I felt cold. I felt that the covers were halfway down my body. My arm was outstretched across the bed while the other rested on my side. I was still turned sideways but what was most glaring was the body which was supposed to be cuddled into mine wasn't there. I can't feel it.

I tapped the surface of the bed further within my reach, searching. I slowly opened my eyes and there I saw. Santana curled in almost a ball. She was fully facing the opposite direction. I can see her back rising and falling evenly, which tells me she is still so much asleep. Her arms were thrown to the same direction she was facing. From my position I can see that a pillow was clutched tightly in her arms.

I sighed. Maybe, it can't change overnight. I don't even know if I should be glad that perhaps she didn't cuddle with that woman when they slept, because it was our thing. She didn't cuddle with Puck and with any of those other guys. Because she only cuddled with me. But seeing this now, I feel disappointed that her subconscious self can't even recognized the body that was beside her anymore. That she was so used to being alone on this bed that she'd choose a pillow over my body. I can't help but feel sad, but in the same vein, stronger to change things back to how they were before.

I lifted half of my body from my lying position. I moved closer to San. I turned her around to face me, even in her state of sleep. It was easy she wasn't heavy. I took the pillow from her arms. As I did i heard her mumble, but it immediately faded. I positioned myself comfortably and let her head rest on my shoulder I placed her arm around my waist and encircled her in my embrace. I rested my chin on the top of her head and kissed her. I pulled the covers back up to cover our bodies.

I know i couldn't change back the things in one sweeping breath, not even in three weeks in Lima, or more so in one night after I told my wife I will be here for good.

But my determination got stronger.

To make things, like before, our thing, our shared moments, our life together.


	23. Book 2: 7

Book Two: Committed To You Otherwise

_Chapter 7: Did You Forget Something?_

I looked at her sprawled across the bed with her hand across my chest. A hand, her hand, has reached me. That's enough for now. Considering the previous days, I wake up at the feel of her distance and every night I would drag her back to me, cuddle her close, only to wake up in the morning finding her in a cocoon again, away from me. So a hand, this morning, is enough, it suffices, at least that one part of her can identify me. If every night i have to wake up unexpectedly just to draw her closer to me, I would do it in heart beat.

I took her hand in mine and kissed her palm. I then placed a kiss on her forehead. I slowly removed her hand from my chest and slipped out of the covers to get a head start for the day. It's still pretty early but i love waking up early, i got into the shower to freshen myself up.

After I have showered, i dried my hair and pulled it in a bun. I got into some comfy sweats and a wifebeater, I threw a glance at her and saw a serene image of my sleeping wife. I glanced at the clock sat on top of my bedside table 6:00 am, clearly it's early. I went downstairs and made my way to the kitchen.

I haven't been up this early the past days, perhaps adjusting to the new environment mixed up my body clock. I woke up at three and then slept again and then wake up to the sun high up in the sky, with no Santana beside me.

Since I have no particular activity lined up for the day, I run, then go to my small studio and stretch and dance a bit not straining myself too much. I watch a little t.v. on some days and fall asleep at midday on the couch. San arrives with dinner at hand.

Like how we used to do when i still had work only back then I would be in the studio, continuously training. Then arrive late to a sometimes sleeping Santana. Today, its different I'm getting used to this staying at home thing. But I can't deny how clueless I am as to being a stay at home wife, like how i should be doing things. I know what to do its just that the opportunity hasn't been there.

I've been trying but haven't been really successful. I wake up in the middle of the day and all I can see in the kitchen is an empty cup of coffee sitting at the counter. It makes me sad that even up to now she's still content with just having coffee and not having a real meal to start her day. The thing about her is, she knows herself too well. Sometimes she can ignore something which she actually needs. Not the big things really, just the small ones, like breakfast. Which makes me hate myself more, if only I was here to remind her everyday, to force her to eat and not let her get away with it. Being here makes it awful lot different than just reminding her over the phone that she has to. Considering the thinking she'll be doing for the whole day i bet she needs the boost of energy she'll get from it.

So today, i think, is the perfect opportunity, since I've managed to wake up ahead of San. I wore my apron with a duck embroidered on its pocket and turned on the stove. It's really not that hard to cook, I've learned that through years of being alone. I needed to cook for myself sometimes, especially during the days when I get really tired of take-out food from the nearby deli or everyday for that matter eating lunch out and dinner too.

I cracked the eggs in a bowl and started beating them, it's a good thing i got that thing settled if there really is an egg inside of it or a baby chicken, now I don't really care i just know they make for a very nice breakfast. I poured in some milk. I like those soft and creamy. Next came the strips of bacon and then the bread, i decided on french toast, I know San used to like them like how she likes pancakes.

I turned on the coffee maker and started to brew. I'm pretty sure that's one thing that shouldn't be missing in her everyday routine. I remember her preference, at least, black coffee. I put in some freshly squeezed orange juice and ice cold water. That should be a start.

Midway to preparation being done I heard footsteps from upstairs. 'She must be awake by now' I continued to mixed the eggs in the pan and flip the strips of bacon to have make it crunchier. Not so healthy breakfast, but nevertheless enjoyable. I will soon get the hang of this and soon enough i would have to come up with more creative ideas for breakfast. I can't feed San french toast, bacon, and eggs everyday. Now i can see being domesticated seems to take a lot more than I thought. But really i don't mind. I will never forget my first attempt. San almost turned me down, if I was someone who easily gets offended or wasn't as determined as I was at that time I would not have even tried, considering the circumstances, and of course, simply because it's San who said it. Thankfully, I knew the chicken caserole like the back of my hand, so that was a good starter, then all other things i managed to prepare the other nights until mom arrived were I guess okay, cook books did the job. But I never really had the time to contemplate whether that would suffice for everyday life.

Considering my active lifestyle working I'm just not quite sure with myself if i can keep up with this. It's not like I'm the only one expected to do this but I'm the one who hasn't been here. It takes a little getting used to both for San and myself, so I better start now, since I guess i'm expected to stay at home with being pregnant and everything.

Our time in Lima has been good practice, and besides, San has fixed this house then I guess my part would be to make it feel like home for both of us. 'Life together' that's the key to doing these things. We don't really have to designate certain roles but you know at least i'm able to pick what i want to do and i want to do these little things for San. It's not gonna be ultimate married life revamp but at least it's a start.

It's too fresh to impose rules or what actually our life should be. It takes time, i know that, but i hope these little things would open the doors to a happy life together which we both know. It's foreign to me and sometime i still feel like i'm a transient in a foreign country, which by the way the life i've mastered the last five years but now it's different. I'm back at 'Home Base' and its should feel like it. It's like you'll feel its where you're safest and where you actually belong. Not just for myself but for San too. But of course, I don't wanna go back to thinking how it could have been had I been here, that's torture enough. I'm not gonna batter myself over and over again because I'm here to change things, but I can't change the past its done. What i have is here and now and that's what I'm gonna focus on.

Perhaps some good minutes have passed, as I have been putting the food in their respective platter and making sure each of the simple things in this combination is enticing enough for my wife to devour. I will get the hang of it. I will set the table for two, meal together, early in the morning...'I just hope she likes it'. I poured the juice and water into the glasses at the side. The aroma of black coffee fills the kitchen.

As I was setting what I have prepared in the dining area, I heard her treading the stairs going down, then stop, then up again, then down all the way. I heard the opening of doors and thought to myself 'she must have went into the study' I decided I needed to check, since it felt like she was rushing. I peeked in the hallway and saw her, her back turned to me. She was in her gray striped power suit, portfolio in hand, some files tucked in her arm. Her phone and purse clutched securely in her tiny hand. Her hair, shiny and curly at its ends and cascading freely down her shoulders and with the warm sunlight peeking through the window down the hallway 'So that's how my wife looks like in the morning when she goes to work' I thought to myself. As she rummages through the bowl of keys for her car key. I was mesmerized by the sight of her, in all her glamour and authority emanating from her. Any other woman would take advantage of that especially when I wasn't here. It's different when you see her midday or after work when she gets home. Seeing how she starts her day gives me a clearer picture of how she has lived alone in this house, it seems like she never looks back in any other part of the house looking like that.

Suddenly I saw her walking towards the receiving area perhaps on her way to the front door to leave. I panicked a bit but managed to call out to her peeking through the doorway from the dining area.

"Babe!" She looked over her shoulder with a bemused look on her face. I smiled and walked towards her.

"I thought you went for a run or something you weren't there when I woke up" She told me and eventually she smiled.

"No." I told her. I smiled and took her hand and started dragging her back to the direction of the dining area.

"Where are we going babe?" she asked again, i just continued walking and dragging her, almost skipping to the rhythm of the good mood I was in. Then she spoke again.

"I'm gonna be late babe..." Just then we reached the doorway. And i turned to her not letting go of her hand.

"I made breakfast and we're having it together." I told her, and turned on my back again still holding her hand in mine this time i made our way to her seat.

"Aww babe... But you know I'm not really one for breakfast, besides it might make me late for work." She said reluctantly. I'm not one to be rejected this time. I'm pretty sure she can make some excuse or even drive faster to get there.

I pulled her seat and pushed her down on it. "No excuses" I told her keeping my stern look. I took her hand in mine again and said, "remember what i told you when we were in Lima, you should get used to this." I narrowed my eyes at her with a mischievous smile, she sighed defeated but let a smile grace her lips. "and I'm pretty sure you won't be late and you can drive faster if you have to beat the time. So coffee?" I asked her.

"That should be first." She told me. I poured a decent amount of black coffee into the cup. I placed the pot back down. Right after I did. She looked at me.

"Do we have milk or at least creamer?" She asked and I was confused, I was pretty sure she liked it black before.

"You always liked it black..." I told her, not letting my face fall on my now wrong information.

"I found out it's better with milk or cream." She told me and I like that she let me in into the new information. I immediately went into the kitchen and got what she needed. I poured some milk into her coffee and she just told me when it was enough.

I grabbed the platter of eggs and put some on her plate. I got the bacon and did the same. Before I can serve her the french toast she got it and put some on her plate. She looked at me and asked.

"I thought we were having it together?" I tilted my head to the side as she gestured for me to take the seat across from hers. I put almost the same amount of food into my plate as I've done with hers, and we started eating.

After having tasted a little bit of everything, she spoke again.

"You're really getting better at this babe, You might be spoiling me..." She said in between bites and chewing.

"Thank you. And go ahead and be spoiled all you want" I told her flashing her a smile while i took little bites of my food. We were both startled when we heard a mobile ringing.

_Superstar, where you from, how's it going?  
I know you, gotta clue whatcha doing  
You can play brand new to all the other chicks out here  
But I know what you are, what you are, baby_

I figured it was mine I knew I had that tone but I can't seem to figure out where I placed my phone so without getting up I had my eyes looking around for it. She was just looking at me.

_Look at you, getting more than just a re-up  
Baby you, got all the puppets with their strings up  
Faking like a good one, but I call 'em like I see 'em  
I know what you are, what you are, baby_

I was trying to feel it in the pocket of my sweat pants, but it wasn't there. She just kept eating and I just let her, she looked like she almost was finishing up which made me glad since she actually liked breakfast.

_Womanizer, woman-womanizer, you're a womanizer,  
Oh womanizer, oh you're a womanizer, baby_

I stood up and started looking for it for real, San was just drinking her juice when I heard her almost choking on it. On the seat beside me I saw my phone.

_You you you are, you you you are  
Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer (womanizer)_

"Found it!" I told her while she coughed a little more. I walked towards her and started rubbing her back as I answered the phone. She reached for the water and drank it.

"Hello Puck!" I said . I looked at San and mouthed to her that it was Puck. I didn't mean for San to hear that tone. I just really assigned that to Puck so when I heard it I knew instantly who was calling. It just really took much longer to find this phone so as for the tone to reach the chorus. But I didn't really mean anything by it.

"Yo, Blondie!" Puck greeted.

"What do you want ?" I asked him instantly. While I continued to rub San's back until she finally relaxed.

"I hear you were back in town" He said. San was now drinking the rest of her juice. I went back to my seat.

"Yeah, why?" I asked him still looking at San while she mouthed asking what Puck wants.

"Quinn suggested we do lunch or dinner" He said.

"Sure... just let us know when..." I told him while I held a hand to San motioning for her to wait and then I went back to picking little bites from my food.

"Okay I'll ask Quinn and let you know" He assured.

"okay see you soon! Bye" At that I heard Puck end the call and I placed it back down on the table. I looked at San again.

"He's asking if we wanted to have lunch or dinner" I told her.

"When?" She asked while placed dow her cup of coffee.

"he said he still have to ask Quinn" I told her.

"Just let me know so I can free my schedule " She said. While I finish the last bits of my food.

"I hope its soon." I told her just as she was standing up.

"have you scheduled a check up for the baby?" She asked me as she gulped water from her glass standing fully this time.

"Not yet but I will" I told her as I drank my juice.

"Tell me when you do. I really have to go" She told me as she picked up her portfolio, purse, phone and keys and walked slowly to the doorway to head to work. She called out

"Bye Babe!" As she disappeared from the doorway and after a while I heard the front door shut.

I piled up our plates and carried them to the kitchen to wash them. It was a good morning. Except that call from Puck which kinda distracted San. I had just placed the dishes in the sink when I heard the front door open again.

'why was she back?' I thought to myself. I felt the need to ask. "Did you forget something?" I called out to her.

Just as I turned on the water to have it flowing from the faucet to wash the dishes. I felt a body next to mine. I turned to face her and I was surprised when a pair of wet lips landed on my cheek.

"Thanks for breakfast" she said as she pulled away from me. I looked at her amused by what she has done.

"I forgot that" she said while grinning at me. And then turned on her back and started walking out again.

"Oookay... I'll see you later Babe!" I told her as she disappeared from the door way again.

She called out as i heard her footsteps coming from the kitchen "I'll see you later."Then I heard the front door close.

I smiled and happily continued washing the great breakfast dishes.


	24. Book 2: 8

Book Two: Committed To You Otherwise

_Chapter 8: Which Is Which?_

After what seemed like forever putting together the dinner with the Puckermans, we we're finally able to have it schedule. San preferred dinner anyway so it can be after work. We decided to have it at home. Since I got better at preparing meals as I got used to staying at home, I've managed to learn some decent entree which is quite appropriate for some special get together. I'm not yet done with the preparations but since we've set it rathere late then i'm pretty sure it'll be done just in time our guest arrives.

I find it odd actually calling them as such, collectively at least. I don't even know why Quinn agreed to be Quinn Puckerman, considering her maiden name Fabray, the sound of Puckerman with her name well let's just say, and let me quote Judy Fabray, sounds more like a demotion, at which comment Quinn would always wince upon hearing. As to Puck, no pun intended. I'm pretty sure even Quinn would have agreed, before and if she has not accepted her fate when she eventually fell in love with Puck deeply if i would emphasize, and of course there would always be the little angel that has put them together. Beth has always been everybody's little angel, and I guees she always will be. In the big glee club family it's like she has some birth right of some sort being the first born. There was just no way, of not getting her parent's back together ever since they had gotten Beth back and Puck, the mohawk and bad boy image aside has definitely softened up with his little girl's charm. I'm actually excited to see her, since they tell me she has grown a lot from the last time I have, and considering that I wasn't able to see her during the anniversary party, I guess she must have grown more now.

I will never forget how San particularly asked me once upon a time, for a family, and back during that time I just couldn't give it to her. I always did try to give her anything she wanted especially it was her birthday that day. She particularly asked me for a family like that of Puckermans and I thought it was just her fascination with Beth. Maybe i was too caught up back then when she did ask me and I knew a baby is a big responsibility. I didn't want it back then, since I know I wouldn't be able to stay longer to actually take care of it. I just can't give birth up and leave. Back then, I thought it was too early to abandon my chances, I was still yet to prove my worth in the industry I've chosen. Even if San would carry the baby, I didn't want me to not be here when that happens and have the baby not know me after it is born since she hasn't seen me in months, or weeks or even just days. And then all the other circumstances didn't go my way after that. And it was just sad, that everything went downward spiral from there. Things that I didn't expect happened, the death of my beloved mother in law, occurred when I was able to get the biggest break there is on the tour. In the short span of time I've managed to step up the ladder and actually dance with the probably the biggest most outstanding artist I've ever had the pleasure of working with.

-0-

_Thankfully the last rehearsal was now done and all of us were just winding down. Though we were continuously stretching our body for a much needed cool down after the gruesome training we've been through these past days. We were being trained separately from the artist so as not to be dependent on each other's moves, perhaps it was imperative for the artist to learn it on her own rather than stop and let dancers take over the moves. The songs to which we were dancing to is rather upbeat and most definitely must be accompanied by pretty complicated dance moves, more than that it goes with singing high hitting notes by the artist. It must be really tiresome to say the least to perform it with all the other performances lined up for the whole tour and to be doing it again and again and again in the coming months._

_I was just about to retreat to home exiting the studio when Louie's assistant approached me and told me that Louie wanted to see me in his office. I did as I was told. It made me nervous though its not very common to be called to the Lion's den as some dancers would call it. It can only be two things good and bad. As I made my way to the office, i prayed real hard that it be for a good reason. I reached the door and turned the knob. I opened and the door and peep my head through it._

_"You called for me?" I asked, seeing Louie comfortably sitting on his desk._

_"Yes, Brittany please come in." He told me while he gestured for me to come over with his hand. I walked in rather slowly. Louie was intimidating especially when he is dead serious and right now he is looking way too serious for me._

_"Take a seat" He added gesturing to the seat in front of his desk. I took a seat just as he directed me to and i just looked at him waiting for the next thing he is going to say._

_"I have a problem. Only a few dancers will be needed for this performance" He started and my nerves were getting the best of me he sure sounded like he was going to cut me off. I didn't speak and just continued to listen._

_"I had the artist and her management team, watch you guys while you rehearsed and she made her choices on who to join her in dancing her carrier single and you were one of them." He lift his head up and looked at me. My eyes widened at what he just told me but i was too shock really to form a coherent thing to say._

_"But problem is it would require longer hours and more rigid training for you and Lily especially since you'll be like her personal back up. Like as much time as she is on stage you have to dance with her all the time. While the others' appearance will be momentary just tiny bits of the song." He continued and I nodded. I just continue to look at him still with that frozen look on my face._

_"So are you willing to have your take on it?" He asked me. As amazed as I was it didn't actually register that I needed to respond._

_"Brittany?" He asked again and that second question seemed to have broken me from my trance._

_"Of course, it's an honor really. It's just...thank you!" I told him while i had my head bouncing up and down, grinning like a fool._

_"That's great. If you remained as determined as you are, you would definitely go places Brittany" With that, he reached his hand to me and i shook it. I left the studio and headed straight mine and Lily's apartment._

_I entered my room and place my bag down on the floor I was tired but I'm happy. Finally, I've been given an opportunity to show people what I can really do. It's not much, but at least this might lead to greater and bigger opportunities. As I was pulling my shirt off to take a shower and finally get ready to rest my phone rung. It was San._

_"Babe..." I almost said it in a sing song voice. I wanted to tell her immediately what had transpired in Louie's office. But I was abruptly prevented from doing so when i heard sobbing on the other line. Then somebody somehow took the phone away._

_"Brittany?" I heard the voice from the other line. It was my mom._

_"Mom?" I asked to confirm._

_"Yeah, I'm with Santana sweetie." She said. I felt the need to ask what's going on since I heard San crying I was sure it was her voice i heard sobbing._

_"What's happening Mom why are you there, why is San crying?" I asked her not really minding how many questions I was asking her._

_"She's here in Lima, something happened." She told me and my nervousness just heightened to whole new different level._

_"What? Just tell me... you're not doing me any good." I didn't mean to sound disrespectful but I was totally clueless and i needed to know badly._

_"Eva she...her cruise ship sunk and they can't find her..." She told me in a broken voice. I'm not really sure what i was feeling i just felt like... I hope badly that it be not true what would come after that o the consequence of that._

_"Mom just give the phone to San... please." I told her, i knew that more than anyone, more than the details it was San who i needed to talk to. It was her who needed to hear my voice. As soon as I heard the sobbing again. I knew that i had to comfort her and give her reassuring words._

_"Baby... everything's gonna be okay." I told her with gentleness in my voice. While I hear her agreement with the different tones of her sobs. "They will find Mama, okay? They will." I told her more reassuring than before. "I'm gonna be there as soon as I can, okay? I love you Baby." I heard her sobs one more time perhaps trying to tell me the same thing. Then the phone was passed to my mom again._

_"Sweetie we have to go... and...uhmmm... check some bodies at the coast guard, we'll call you back" She told me. Even as she told me I can hear the devastation in her voice._

_"Call me immediately and please make sure San is okay. I gonna be there as soon as I can." I told them._

-0-

But I wasn't able to come home. I wasn't able to keep that promise to be there as soon as I can. I cried myself to sleep that night, but none of them were able to take me to Lima to ease the pain of everybody I loved. They never found my mother-in-law's body. George and San specifically told me it was not necessary to go home but I guess I should have read between the lines when it came to San since definitely at that time she needed me. Thinking about it now I regret every moment of it. Not coming home when I promised I would as soon as I can, and more so even if I really can't. Just the thought of that time still clenches my heart with the hurt and regret.

But now that everything is falling into place. We're having our own baby. Our little family. I guess all of the hurtful things are in the past. These past few days I've allowed myself to forgive myself slowly. I can't erase what I've already done but I can make things better at least those that I can control now. And I'm gonna make it up to her in every possible way. I can feel that perhaps everything about that other woman, with everything, and with how well San is responding to me perhaps its over with her. It was a one-time thing, I was right. I'm still the only one who occupies her heart. 'Stop thinking about her' I told myself with all things going great, I should brush away negative thoughts.

I continued to mix the salad in the bowl and was broken from my thoughts when a pair of hands made it's way through my sides and encircled my waist and I felt my shoulder being peppered with soft kisses. I glanced sideways and saw her grinning at me, I smiled back and peck her on the lips. She squeezed me a bit tighter locking her arms atop my belly. I leaned back to her front.

"How was work?" I asked her. While I felt her inhale my scent while she rest her chin space between my neck and shoulder. I closed my eyes at the sensation of her touch.

"It was good. Well it always is so, what's new right?" She said while she scrunched her nose trying to be goofy. I just smiled and kissed the tip of her nose while I continue to toss the different mix in the bowl.

"I'm glad. Now, you should go upstairs and change so you can relax for a bit before they arrive." I told her. I knew she must be tired.

"Okay, I'll come back down to help." She said.

"Nope, got these all covered. Go." With that she kissed me on the cheek and made her way upstairs."

After i was sure that the food for tonight is all set and all i needed to do was to plate them I made my way upstairs to prepare myself as well.

I entered our room and saw San napping peacefully. 'She must be really tired' I made my way to the bathroom to shower. I'll wake her up after I'm done.

After a few minutes I walk out of the bathroom and saw reclining on the bed, reading. She looked up at me and smiled.

"Hey babe I'm done now." I told her

"I'll just finish this and then freshen up." She smiled. I made my way to our closet in just a towel. "You're hot by the way." She called out from the room.

"I know" I said teasingly from where I was standing in our walk in closet. After getting what i was going to wear since i've decided on it hours earlier, I scanned San's closet to pick one dress and one shirt for her to choose. I walk out to ask. I was pretty sure she hasn't gotten in the shower since I haven't heard her move.

"Hey Babe!" I called out to get her to look at what I'm holding. She looked up and I continued to ask. "Red dress or Black dress shirt?" I asked her holding out each for her to see. She didn't respond immediately. She was just looking to my direction blankly, like she zoned out or something. I called out again.

"San...?" I said her name prolonging its sound in my tongue. She blinked. And then stood up immediately and walked towards me. When she was in front of me she look down at the two articles of clothing.

"uh...? Black" She said quickly she kissed me on the cheek and said "I'll just go shower now." I shrugged and went back into the walk in closet to finally start preparing. The Puckermans might be here any minute now.


	25. Book 2: 9

Book Two: Committed To You Otherwise

_Chapter 9 : We Are Family_

When I heard the doorbell rang i immediately went downstairs to answer it. I was pretty sure who were at the door anyway. In my fairly decent casual attire i treaded the stairs and made my way to the front door. When I opened it an ecstatic Beth immediately threw her arms around my waist.

"Aunt Britty!" She said, her voice almost sounded just like a squeak. I rubbed her back and i dropped to my knees to fully engulf her in a hug.

"Aww sweetie i missed you" I told her. I hugged her tightly this time and she cooed into my side. She's not that little girl anymore. She was taller, unlike before when I would have to really lower myself into kneeling to be eye level with her. Considering that she is already twelve, she should now be considered a young lady.

"I missed you too. " She placed a kiss on my cheek. I can't help thinking that soon me and San would have our own, just like Beth, doing those sweet gestures to us. "Where's Aunt Sanny?" She asked right after she pulled away and looked at me.

I looked at her adoringly. I can't actually contain it within myself to tell our friends of our good news. Seeing Beth makes me feel more excited about our own little baby. "She's upstairs getting ready" I told her Before I rose to my feet to greet her waiting parents.

"Glad you noticed us..." Quinn said sarcastically to which i gave her a smile but I figured I just had to comment on what she said.

"Well you two really aren't that special to catch my attention" I batted my eyelashes at them as I said it. "so unlike this one." I looked to Beth again and stroked her head lightly, and then tucking a stray blonde hair behind her ear.

Quinn rolled her eyes to which i scrunched my face. "C'mere" I told her as i opened my arms wide to receive a hug from her, to which she gave in. But then we were interrupted by the small cough that Puck let out while he looked up at the ceiling acting innocent. I rolled my eyes at him and pulled away from Quinn. I jerked my head to the side and then he pulled me into his embrace. We were then interrupted by the voice from the stairway.

"Okay cut the hugfest and just come in, I'm starving." San said with gusto. As soon as Beth saw San, the young lady immediately ran to meet her as San treaded her way down the stairs. As soon as they met halfway, Beth pulled San to embrace her. I saw how Santana's face lit up as she wrapped her arms around the kid, her eyes closed as she squeezed Beth. I watched their interaction and I can't help but think of how San can be so loving around kids and that we are so ready to have this family. I ushered Q and Puck to come inside and we lead our way into the living room following San and Beth who were already well on their way there, to relax a bit before I've completely set it up and start with dinner.

It didn't take long before we were all sitting at the dining table sharing the modest dinner I've managed to prepare. I'm quite proud to have been able to prepare it, i've becoming more and more skilled in being domesticated and I am happy. It may be odd compared to my life of independence the past years, but you can become active at home, preoccupied to say the least. The past five years have been the topic of our conversation for a few good minutes.

"So Britt... Didn't you just had your break from last month, how come your back?" Quinn asked me as she took a bite of the roast chicken I've learned recently.

"Well..." I look to San before I continued. "Me and San..." San took my hand in hers, and sent me a look, allowing me to go ahead with telling Quinn the big news. "We're pregnant!" I told the couple across from us with so much excitement.

Both their eyes widened and simultaneously stood up. Quinn took my side and Puck went to San. They hugged both of us with each to each one of us.

"I'm really happy for the both of you Britt." Quinn said excitedly. While i heard Puck expressed his glee to San through the usual banters.

"You're not really the motherly type Lopez, but I'm happy for you" San rolled her eyes and hit Puck at the back of his head. Beth face had the anxious excited look and almost immediately she jumped out of her seat join her parents and gave San and I a kiss simultaneously.

"Yay! Aunt Sanny and Aunt Britty are having a baby." She said clapping her hand. She will always remain a kid to me.

Just as they were all making their way to their seats, Puck came to halt. He looked back to me and San and gave us a confused look.

"wait wait...Who is?" Quinn looked at us anxiously awaiting for the answer. I rolled my eyes at my question and San narrowed her eyes at Puck, but gave him a rather sensible answer, also I've realized it was really a legitimate question since both of us are have child bearing ability.

"Britt is" San said calmly, as she took a bite of the salad. Quinn then felt the need to ask further.

"When did you decide? I mean we just saw each other during your anniversary party." Quinn pointed out, surprised at how we didn't or we forgot to tell them about it. Upon hearing the anniversary party Beth's face fell and as she continued to eat quietly. Quinn smiled at her apologetically as she looked up at her. Beth wasn't able to come that night. Quinn knew it would be a late night for them and didn't want Beth to be to tired but the kid did badly want to come at that time. Seeing their interaction, made me linger on the feeling that soon me and San will be venturing into that with our own little bugger. I saw San looked at Beth.

"It's okay kiddo, you're here now." and with that Beth smiled at her and went back to eating her food. I looked at her and then she spoked. "Actually we've been talking about it. After the anniversary party we decided it was time." She looked at me took my hand and kissed my knuckles. I smiled at her and then to Quinn and Puck. I was surprised that San took the opportunity to answer the question, more so that she answered it with so much conviction. We both know, it was my plan, just my plan actually, yes we decided on it after I talked about it with her, but im pretty sure my decision took her by surprise too. But then again the way she told Quinn that it was our plan, our decision, basically what we want. That's how we become one, that even with just one look she knows, I couldn't answer that by just saying I planned it, then told San and had it done. With what she said it becomes a cohesive thought of both of us, a form of togetherness something we just did together which emphasizes us as a couple. Quinn smiled at us.

"I'm so happy for you" as she took a bite of the roast chicken. "So B... how about the tour, 'til when will you be working?" Quinn asked curiously.

"I've quit the tour. I'm back for good this time" I replied with a grin on my face, and then I looked at San. Somehow telling them that since I'm back gatherings like this one will be a regular. To my surprise Puck piped in.

"Well, that's what i'm talking about. Its good that you decided to finally be here for good" He while he greedily munch on the food in his mouth. Quinn looked at him with and slap his arm reminding him of his manners. "What?" Looking at Quinn confused as to what she wants. "I've always wondered, how Lopez here" he reached his hand out to San. "was able to live without it when you're not here..." He smirked he looked at us and then to Quinn. They let out a laugh at the same time.

"Yeah, we both know you and Puck have that in your top most necessity, how do you cope?" Quinn added. San narrowed their eyes at them and I just looked at her. Puck butted in again.

"Yeah Lopez, got used to making the kitty purr?" Puck added and with a laugh.

San was just about to respond to the mockery but before she can speak, i knew I needed to catch her just like how she caught me earlier. There are things between the two of us that should remain just between the two of us. In midst of a situation where one of you is put to jeopardy. You save each other. Its how you communicate no words are needed to know that the other needs help or something like this would put one to a dangerous place. You preserve each other because you are one person.

"Oh, We have our ways... besides, every other time its epic, before Sanny can even forget it, I'm back here again" I told them with confidence. Then looked at San. She didn't have to answer that. I don't want her to feel vulnerable around our friends and eventually feel uncomfortable around them answering that question. We were all surprised when we heard the kid at the our side speak.

"Daddy, Aunt Sanny can't make a kitty purr it does that voluntarily, like when its cold or hungry." She pointed out to Puck oblivious to the real meaning of what her father said. Quinn the other hand, glared at Puck and hit his head lightly. Puck was quick to retort to save the innocence of his only daughter which I thought was really fatherly of him.

"What did I tell you when adults are talking?" Puck looked at her waiting for her to respond to his question.

Beth rolled her eyes, but gave her father the answer she knew he needed. "Not to interrupt and not to interfere"

"Good... so eat your food young lady" Puck told her and the Beth did as she was told.

2 weeks after our dinner with the Puckermans, I was scheduled for a pre-natal check up, San made it happen. She was the one who decided on the doctor and she had us scheduled. Considering that everyday it was becoming a such a job just to stay awake most of the time. I would wake up happy and energetic and then not long into the day I would fall asleep not even realizing it and then San would arrive and find me asleep on the couch. San owuld always smile as she wakes me up and take me up to our room and let me sleep some more.

My body is rapidly changing. I feel like I'm becoming heavier, making my regular routine of exercise and dances a bit more tiring than it usual is. I even wonder sometimes why they call it morning sickness when it comes at anytime of the day, and soemtimes it doesnt even come in the morning.

San's been very attentive to me and responsive to my wishes. Just two days ago, I wanted to dip some pickles into vanilla ice cream. So i texted her and asked her to bring me some and she did. After eating it for a while, San was looking at me, and I saw her swallowin as I ate, so I wondered whether I was being selfish, so I shared it. She was modest at first and told me she had bought it just for me. I told her that it would upset me if I knew how much I was enjoying it while she couldn't. More than eating it just moments ago, I felt so happy seeing San enjoy it for herself. I felt so glad to be able to share it to her. Especially since she finished it in record time, it was actually really fast, like she didn't even take time to chew on it that she even choked, it made me think of how much she really liked it so i told her to savor it and just go slow on lingering on that taste.

Then last night, I wanted to have PB&J so i made one. But when I took a bite I felt like it was lacking something so I contemplated what taste I was looking for. I wanted that for dinner, and to prevent what happened the previous night I prepared some just enough for me and San. San arrived and was suprised, I felt like i was really right in preparing just as much to accommodate both of our hunger. It wasn't too much, because i was eating really heavy these days. I prepared like a pile of it. Ten four layered PB&J sandwiches, five for San and five for me, in the layer of peanut butter I incorporated mayonnaise, and in the layer of jelly there is good amount of mustard, each . It was modified to the taste it was lacking from moment ago. I did not tell San that, I wanted it to be a surprise. So when she tasted it and asked me what was in it that's when I told her since of course then she knows. Like the night before, she ate it fast, even faster than the night before like three bites and its gone. It pleased me to see her finish it. i think she really liked it.

This morning I drove her to the office since I was on my way to pre-natal yoga and since we were scheduled for the check this after noon. I would just drive her back and wait for her, it would be more efficient that way. The car came to halt infront of building where Bell & Ward was. San was standing by the sidewalk waiting for me since I texted her that i was near. She immediately went to passenger side. I noticed she was caressing her stomach and her face somehow distorted with discomfort.

"What's the matter Babe?" I asked while I let my other hand free of its hold from the steering wheel to caress her hand holding on to her stomach.

"Its nothing, just that my stomach's a bit upset." She told me then gave me a half smile. I started to think it was because of what i prepared and I can't control the wave of emotions i was starting to feel, evetually a pout made its way to my face and i asked.

"Was it because of the sandwiches..?" I sniffed as i asked, my tears were welling up and I can't help them. I swear they were really good, and my stomach wasn't upset like hers. But before a tear could fall San almost immediately explained.

"No it wasn't the sandwiches, I think it was the turkey sandwich Evelyn got me for lunch. Those sandwiches you made were great babe." She told me with a wide grin and it made me smile to know that she it wasn't the cause of her discomfort.

We arrived at the clinic to be met by a doctor who I think was a around 40 or so. Dr. Brown. She looked kind enough to me. I like her. She looked like someone who was really caring. So i easily got comfortable with her.

"So Mrs. Pierce-Lopez?" San and I smiled at her knowing that Mrs. Pierce-Lopez was too general as between me and San knowing that refers to either of us. I immediately retorted back to diffuse the confusion it might bring.

"You can call me Brittany, and this is my wife Santana." I told her and I pointed to San later on. She smiled and asked me a bit of my medical history, she said its SOP or something.

"It's very nice to meet you two, So shall we start?" She asked me lie back on the bed adn remove my undergarment. I spread my legs to allow the doctor to examine me.

"this will feel a bit cold." She told me as she held the vaginal probe near the entrance. It actually did feel a bit cold and i felt tingles as it was push into me.

"Ok so here it goes" as the probe moved further into me. San looked at me and smiled and I smiled back at held hands and watched as movements appeard on the screen.

"You see that bigger pouch like image?" She asked, San and I nodded at the same time. " That's your uterus, the smalled image in it... the fruit like one... that's you're baby." She told us. I looked away from the screen and chanced a glanced at San. She was looking intently on the screen with eyes that glimmered in the light of the room. She had a big smile on her face. "Can you hear that?"she was referring to the thumping sound the probed the room. We looked at her again. "That's the heart beat". Then the doctor smiled. "We can have a picture of it if you would like one?" She asked and San politely asked. "Please.."

After getting dressed and getting up from the bed. The doctor gave us the details that the baby is about 13-17 mm, that since I'm nine weeks into it, the baby's nose, lips, are beginning to be more defined while the toes are beginning to form. She aslo pointed out that the baby is a wiggler like how it moved during th ultrasound however I will still not feel it because it is still too small. She recommended the proper diet and the foods which are essential at this stage of the pregnancy and also the vitamins which i needed to take.

After the consultation, we made our way back to San's office. During the drive San was looking intently to the picture of our baby.

"Can you believe it Britt? It's our baby!" She said looking to my side and holding up the ultrasound picture we got from the Dr. Brown.

"Yeah, its great, I really can't wait till I feel it move... you know when it gets bigger." I told her, while looking at her for a while and then immediately focusing back on the road.

"I feel excited, when that happens it can kick me in the face everytime i try to it and i won't mind" She said it while she beamed with a glow i really couldn't explain.

I took her hand in mine and kissed it and smiled at her. Silence overtook us but it was a good silence and a happy one too. She was so happy. And I'm glad she is , actually, that we are. It was far from how i know she felt whe we first tried it out, she was hesitant. She did not need to voice it out back then because i felt it. But looking at her now, i know she means it, she has changed her mind, and wants it the way I do, I couldn't be happier about it.

We made our way to her office, to wait a while before we got back home to allow her to finish up some things she needed to do for the day.

We went up and we stayed there until she was finished. As i was about to step out the door. I saw a familiar walking through the hallways. I instantly smiled and she smiled back.


	26. Book 2: 10

Book Two: Committed To You Otherwise

_Chapter 10: Things Are Better, Right?_

Seeing me, she stopped in her tracks and stayed right where she was maintaining a distance between us. She was my wife's subordinate, i had the initiative to start the conversation, it was enough that my wife was her boss, i didn't want to be adding to perhaps the intimidation that she would be imposing.

"Hi!" I immediately greeted her as we were face to face with each other.

"Hello Ma'am." She said meekly without actually looking straight to me. Perhaps it was a sign of respect. I found a bit unusual since she wasn't actually like it the first time I saw her. Maybe a bit but not as hmmm... can't find the perfect word she's seems a bit stiffer now.

-0-

_As soon as I have dismissed the other dancers for a long lunch break, since all the dancers I'm handling here in New York while I was on my supposed vacation were all on hold awaiting another show the training was not as rigid while you're actually on tour. Recruitment is a must and everytime I was on my rest months, work still does not stop we still go out of our way when we're in our area and spot new dancers and train them. I had called Evelyn right before I ended the last round of routines, I called San earlier but she wasn't picking up, i left a text too but she didn't reply, i figured she must be in an important meeting. So I tried her secretary, and had that fact confirmed and left a message, that I was going out for lunch and if she wanted to have lunch with me. Evelyn assured me San would be amenable to that, and that I should give her the details which I did._

_I rode my car and drove to Boulud Sud. It didn't take long since it was near the studio. Evelyn specifically told me that San would be there, I didn't know she fancied that restaurant, but her secretary said she was there with some clients, it was best that I go there. I bet she has eaten but I wanted to take my chances, no matter how small. I knew this vacation wasn't like any other. I'd take every opportunity within this period to assess my chances of whether or not I could fix this. If need be I'd ask Louie for an extension. Besides I'm no newbie now I can have some requests which some dancers can't and he knew the reason behind this, plus the fact I'm still working even if it wasn't for the tour that should count._

_As soon as I was in front of the restaurant a valet attendant was outside my car ready to assist me as soon as i got out. I got out and handed him the keys and made my way inside. My phone vibrated, it had a message and it was from San, finally she replied to me._

_**x-x**_

_**From: Mrs. Brittany Pierce-Lopez**_

_**To: Mrs. Santana Pierce-Lopez**_

_**-We're here at the back-**_

_**-meeting with clients-**_

_**x-x**_

_I asked the hostess to usher me to where it was and I was thankful that she knew. We got there and almost immediately a woman clad in a corporate attire almost like San's stood up and reached her hand out to me._

_"Hi you must be Mrs. Pierce-Lopez?" She said. I took her hand and shook it. I wondered who she is and how she knows me._

_"Yes, you are?" I asked immediately, i'm not used to talking to strangers. But she smiled brightly enough and sounded nice so i knew there was no need for me to be afraid of her._

_"I'm...uhmm... Ashley Hayes, I'm your wife's associate, from Bell & Ward." She told me, with a look like she's waiting for me to confirm that identified with what she just told me. Now, that at least diffuses my confusion. She's not really a stranger since she works with San._

_"Oh, so you work with San? Are you a lawyer too?" She smiled. I wanted to ask. I'm not really sure, since she might just be like Evelyn, i know she isn't a lawyer._

_"Yes, but your wife is my boss." She said it with a smile. So at least i didn't actually mistake for someone like Evelyn, I felt good that i asked._

_"You can just call me Brittany, I know its hard to address us as Mrs. Since we both are Mrs. But uhmm... may I ask where is San?" I told her, i like to clarify things, knowing that she worked with San. San is like her boss, i don't want her to feel uncomfortable around and treat me like I'm somebody as important as my wife._

_"She's still talking to some clients" She looked at me. Then looked at the back "right there" pointing a finger to where San is. True enough I saw my wife intensely talking to some corporate looking men. "She asked me to meet with you and have lunch, since I'm not actually needed there, and she said she would just catch up after talking with them" She explained further. I was kinda disappointed that San was so busy. But I guess, that would be fine having her trying to accommodate me and all this and give me what I want knowing what is currently happening to us. It gives me hope that I can still fix it._

_"Oh okay... I hope we're not imposing on you, I'd be totally fine waiting for her." I told her in all honesty. I felt like San gets all these people to attend to what she should be attending to by herself just like Evelyn, makes me think even more that she's being such a boss. The type that subordinates hate, and i totally didn't want that idea. I can be super nice to them as her wife, she can really be handful sometimes._

_"Of course not Ms. Brittany, it's okay..." Ashley tells me with a light touch on my arm. "its no problem really. I'd rather be talking to you than boring myself with details of the case." She continues flashing me a sincere smile. "besides those talks makes me hungry, so we better be eating now, and its on your wife which makes it a lot better" She told me whispering the last part which caused me to giggle, it was funny, this woman is funny. I like her. I'm glad San is working around people like her and Evelyn._

_"I am too, so what do you say, we start milking the cow, with a feast?" I told her. She called for the hostess to usher us to a table a bit away from where was San was holding her meeting. I sat down and Ashley followed. I shot my head up wondering when San can actually join us. I really hope she would be able to join us, and soon. I threw glances to where she was, looking for signs of conclusion to anything they are talking about. I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to see Ashley looking at me with a smile, handing me the menu._

_"You're first to choose Ms. Brittany, its your call" She told me as I took the menu in my hands and tried getting my attention to it. Then Ashley's voice caught my attention again._

_"What?" I asked her. I didn't quite catch what she was saying._

_"I said, they would be done soon, she'll be able to join us don't worry." She told me her voice was soft even if at first i didn't hear her, she wasn't irritated at all, and i just smiled and looked over the menu._

_After I handed the menu back and given the waiter our orders, I look back at Ashley and smiled while she continues to look at the menu._

_"Ashley... can i call you Ashley?" I asked it, i wanted to make sure that i wasn't being too comfortable calling her that considering we just met. She looked at me after I got her attention._

_"Sure, Ms. Brittany." She told me reassuringly._

_"How long have you been with Bell & Ward?" I asked curiously. San haven't mentioned her to me so I was curious._

_"oh, almost a year. I'm fresh meat, so I start at low ranks, but i really like corporate practice." She told me and i don't think I understand what she was saying._

_"Haven't been that long, you're quite new. San has been there almost three years" I told her, not so long ago too, but I knew my wife was that good to have ranks in that firm._

_"Yeah, but she must be fierce, when i was assigned to her i was so nervous, she seems frightening" She told me and i felt a bit of tremble at her voice while she relives the memory of being assigned to San. "at first, I thought she's really a bitch... but as we worked she seems cool and not so uptight." I can hear that she is impressed with my wife and it makes me proud that its not only me who can see that San really is good at her job even her subordinates admires her, but it made feel sad at the same time since i didn't really get to see her, blossom into this awesome lawyer that we are talking about and that I wasn't part of any of it._

_"yeah San can seem like that, but she is just plainly awesome when you get to know her." I settled for a simple general terms that would describe her._

_"She has told me stories about you, you know when we casually talk not about work" She smiles at me. Somehow Ashley makes me feel less awkward. "So you're a dancer?" She asked. And I kinda like the change of topic. I don't want to be caught unprepared about the talks about San's working habits or how she handles it since i wouldn't know._

_"Yeah I am a professional dancer, I go on tour with several different artists, sometimes i do choreography but not professionally but hopefully soon" I told her._

_"I'm sure it will be, your wife always says how great of a dancer you are" She told me and I smiled._

_"She can over adulate sometimes." I told her. San really can exaggerate but i love that fact that she talks about me with other people. Now, Ashley can't be that girl, especially if San talks to her about me and she wouldn't let her sit with me if she was._

_"I think you are Mrs. Pierce-Lopez." She told me as we saw the waiter and Ashley gave him her order of food. Before we even fell back to our conversation we heard a voice from over our heads and we both looked up at the same time._

_"am I too late for lunch?" It was San._

_"Nope we just ordered" i told her. She leaned down and placed a soft peck on my lips._

_"Good. Sorry about that, took longer that i expected." She said as she went around and took the seat beside me. She then looked at Ashley from across the table._

_"Hayes are you keeping my wife entertained?" She asked as she grasped my hand in hers._

_"Definitely Ma'am" Ashley said and almost immediately she bowed her head and started to play with her phone._

_-0-_

Her eyes before had a glimmer which was cheerful and right now she seems to be just looking down and looking everywhere but me. I found it a bit unusual we are not close friends but, the first time I met her she was just different she can look straight to me. Not really very friendly but she talked a bit more and I'm finding the silence now a bit odd. So i had to talk.

"How have you been? Too bad you weren't able to attend our anniversary party...". I told her regrettably. I really wanted to have her there more so when i found out about the gift.

"Yeah, I'm sorry I wasn't able to come, I was just really tired from my trip." She told me apologetically. I smiled reached my hand to shake her by the shoulder.

"it's okay, and really thanks for buying the gift for San" I told her having remembered the sculpture San gave me for our anniversary.

"It's nothing, I'm glad I was able to get it for you, she really wanted me to find it, and thankfully I did." She told me the details which makes me think even more how enthusiastic perhaps San was about celebrating our fifth year celebration, knowing that we would be together this time.

"Are you on your way home?" I asked I was curious as to why she was wandering the hallway.

"yeah, I was just waiting for Alex" She told me. Alex, of course San's buddy, how can I forget. "How about you?"

"Yeah, San's just finishing up, we just came from the check up, she came back to get a few things done I wonder what's taking her long..." I told her.

"It's just how it is here, Check-up? Is there anything wrong are you both alright?" She asked and i can feel her concerned, i can feel my face just lit up since really I've been wanting to tell people what's going on, I wondered however how come She didn't know, I'm pretty sure Evelyn knew, and perhaps Alex too.

"San didn't tell you? We're pregnant." I told her enthusiastically. I am always proud to tell people.

"Oh, she might have forgotten, i got transferred to another division, Alex's actually." She told me and she spoke fast, but thankfully I got all the things she said.

"That's why, she didn't mention though... are you getting promo-" I was just about to ask when San appeared and scrambled out the door.

"I'm ready to go" She said rather loudly as she slowly lift her head and closing the door. I smiled at her.

"San, look who i came across" I pointed to Ashley. I narrowed my eyes a bit "You didn't mention she got transferred" Then i pouted. She gave me a half smile and nodded to Ashley's direction and looked back at me.

"It must have slipped my mind." She told me and then she continued. "We have to go baby" I looked at her then to Ashley. "You need to rest" She said further.

"Too bad, kinda wanted to catch up" I told her shifting my gaze from her to Ashley.

"We'll catch up some other time Ms. Brittany" Ashley said and she smiled at me and then to San. I kinda feel like they were both tired and I nodded in agreement. "Be safe, and congratulations to you both" She said giving us both a smile.

San looked down and took my hand and we gave Ashley a thank you before we started to walk away.

A few more pre-natal check-ups and San decided we should have a room fixed for the baby. There's no anticipating here, I was actually surprised to see that the room she has designated for the baby has been well designed for its purpose. Yellow walls which of course is a neutral color, we still don't know the baby's sex but the color would work. The child proofing has also been done in the room. San said, when the baby comes the whole house would be made child proof.

I can look at her all day as she envisioned these things she has on her mind. She's like walking on clouds while she tells me her plans. San says she'll be doling out all her money to buy the things for the baby's room for our baby to have all the things it needs. I tried telling her that we should wait 'til we know if its a boy or a girl so that we can pick the things out carefully and it will suit the baby best, but then again she's so excited and she said will just buy those things for general use first. We'll make sure the color's are neutral.

So that's what we did we both a crib, a car seat, a walker, a baby swing, a stroller, a video baby monitor, a newborn napper, a carrier, a baby swing, a rocker, a lounger, playmats, the musical one and the plain one, whichever the baby would prefer, its there. Even if it wasn't necessary, it seems San wanted to buy it and put it all in the Baby's room. Seeing all the other things a baby can have these days, we also bought a soothing glider, a bouncer, a play gym, and even a high chair which i told her wasn't necessary yet but then i guess she can't be stopped. After the feeding paraphernalia and a variety of beddings we left the store, and had everything delivered. I even shook my head in disbelief when all the things arrived. I was gaining weight, but the bump wasn't as visible as it can be and I felt among the neighbors with all the baby things that are being delivered to our house. But i guess i should just be happy since San was in this with me and it shows, no, its very well manifested.

We were again scheduled for a pre-natal check up today. I arrived early so San wasn't there waiting for me. I decided to go up to their floor as a bit of exercise haven't been running like before since San said I should lessen it a bit. Making my way to her office would be a good stretch for the drive somehow made my joints ache from getting stuck in its position during the drive. I texted her but she hasn't replied. So i made my way up and decided i could just wait for her there.

I rode the elevator and pushed the button for San's floor. I got off it and walked towards her office. Making my way their I heard voices, usually its a quiet hallway, perhaps because the people here remained confined to their offices focused on their work just got out to talk and then back into their office again. They are serious like that, I guess I should be thankful San hasn't turned into a robot of some sort. I walked slowly and before i turned to the hallway to San's office, I heard the voices clearly. One of them was my wife's. I stopped in my track when I saw her standing there and saw who she was talking to. I wanted to approach them but I felt that something within me was holding me back. It's the feel of their conversation was intimate. San was just looking down and the person she was talking to was doing the same. San used a soft tone of voice which she usually just used with me, that voice was only for me. The way they were talking was the thing i didn't particularly like. It's like an aura of two person's intimately having a nice romantic dinner in restaurant corner. It's like they were inside a bubble which enveloped them and everybody that was outside of it cannot intrude. It was the vibe they were sending, and hearing those they were saying I can't believe she befriended me. Ashley just told San whe is with Alex now, like San needed to know, like San asked if it was true. I listened intently as they continued to talk.

"Are you happy?" San asked her voice was still lowered.

"I'm starting to be" Ashley answered meekly like she was not proud of it. "Are you?" She continued to ask San.

"Never better" San said her voice was still soft but i can sense she was happy with the way she said it.

"That's good to know..." Ashley said and then continued. "and the baby... i mean it congratulations" She said.

"Yeah, about that, it's not because of that Ash" San said it seemed to me like she was trying to explain. The term had a glaring tone to my ear and San had never called Ashley, Ash when she talked about her.

"I know, you don't really need to explain...I understand what happened" Ashley offered sparing San's explanation. "I'm just really happy for you, for both of you actually" She continued to say. Which made me winced. I know this type of conversations i know why people have this type of conversation and I was on the verge of tears, hearing this conversation take place. Like my heart has been hit by an avalanche but i kept my composure.

"I love her... you know that right, it will always be her... it's just that nah... but I'm happy for you... you have to know I mean it for you and Alex" San told her. I don't know if any of her words were relieving me of my rage. I know i might be emotional due to the pregnancy but i felt something shoot within me. I am a fool. The way Santana spoke to her, the way she considers her feeling with her words tells me its more than sex its more than a one-time thing and its more than... its more than that. I wanted to cry, but i knew I can't i felt my breaths we're starting to get heavier, it's like i can't breathe holding back my tears.

"So we're good?" San continued to ask. She even smiled shyly. To which the bitch smiled back.

"Thanks, and... of course we are... friends?" She asked. San offered her hand. As Ashley grasped it tightly then pulled San into a hug, San smiled and patted her.

I really don't know how i felt about it. Their conversation was a conclusion, but more than that, the consequences of what happened dawned on me, was it really over... but San's word to her i felt like she isn't over it. Like the feel of its consequences was more than that she drifted away. But instead she let another into her heart. That's how I felt, like her love for me was tainted with another. I shook my head, and composed myself. Right this very moment i have to show someone what's mine remains mine. They pulled away and smiled at each other. I let out a deep breath and straightened out. 'San's mine, right now she is.' I kept telling myself. I marched down the hallway and pretended like I just came in. San immediately greeted me and called for me.

"Baby, I'm here." I looked at her and walked towards them. As soon as I got to her, I grabbed San by the waist and kissed her on the lips. I turned to San as I gripped her tightly. Letting Ashley know to whom San belongs to.

"Ready to go?" I asked San with an air of irritation at the sight of Ashley. San looked at me confused, and I just smiled. I then looked at Ashley and gave her a fake smile.

"Hello Ms. Brittany" Ashley piped in she was smiling shyly. 'again' I just feigned a grin and continued to say.

"I didn't see you, hi" I told her. My voice laced with sarcasm, at least for me it was sarcasm. She gave me that smile again. 'I hate her' I told myself. "i think we better go" I continued to tell Santana pulling her away, i intertwined our hands and started to walk off. "Bye" I muttered under my breath. San said bye too and we made our way to the elevator. I still can't contain my feelings. I was conflicted at how mad I am. But i'm not the confrontational type. I hate violence and I don't like it.

Right now she's mine, but I don't know what I want to do knowing that she has ripped my heart opened and got her heart back and gave it to another.


	27. Book 3 Chapter 1

Book Three: Loved

_Epilogue: Tension_

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I woke up this morning and fell into the routine of my everyday. I had my morning shower, i got dressed into my corporate suit. I then went into my study and picked up my portfolio and files. I walked out and stopped by the hallway and got my keys, my purse and my phone. I had my cup of coffee and placed the empty cup on the counter top, I exited the door and walked my way to the driveway.

I reached my car and i knew i had to keep on going. I opened the door and hopped into it. I wanted to just sit there and look or go back but i can't. I needed to go. With a heavy heart i did. I put the key into the ignition and i turned it. Somehow every action i had made that led me to here and now, i was able to remember. Those are things i will never forget. Because even if I tried to I can't. I just can't, since all its consequences are glaring sites in front of me.

I fastened my seatbelt and got ready to leave. Every gauge in my car was ready except me. To my surprise even my feet were ready to step on it and drive in reverse and away.

This lifts off everything that had happened in the past. This morning seems like the longest drive i will ever take from here to there. I did not turn on my radio, neither did i play any music of some sort to entertain myself, i wanted silence. But silence was never my friend, it made me think of things, and neither was time. My worst enemy i guess was fate.

-0-

_I took the keys from Britt and decided I should drive. She has been quiet since we walked out of my office. I figured she must be feeling tired. We made our way to pre-natal check up driving in complete silence. I found it unusual because in the previous days, Britt, seems to be more like a happy pregnant woman. Emotional but not the angry type of moody, it bordered between sensitive to happy. But either way I didn't want to get on her bad side. Even in the previous days, I'd eat anything she fed me just not to get her upset, keep her happy. I've been happy._

_Blissful is the better term to use to describe our current state. I realized these couple of days that doing the right thing definitely paid off, more so this baby is a blessing, an angel. It may not have been the driving force to get me back on track, but i'm glad i decided on it even before it came._

_I can't believe how involved i am now with this, considering how i felt back then before we did it. I'm just glad that I was able to fix myself up before it came. Like the heavens opened up and told me 'this is your chance Lopez'. I'm just glad i grabbed it with both hands. 'this is the life I really wanted, always wanted with Britt beside me, and now our baby'._

_I looked to my side and I see Britt looking out the window, just silently . 'Maybe it was a show she watched before she came here that got her upset, damn daytime drama' I thought to myself. I know how much television she's been watching since i told her to lay off a bit on the running to prevent her from tiring herself out. I just told her to control it a bit. I even told her, even if she gets a bit bigger, i'll get bigger with her if that's what she wants and she smiled and handed me a bowl of her ice cream and this time, the pickles were in the mix, there was no way to avoid its taste, eating it mixed with vanilla._

_Seeing her here, like this, beside me, 'what a dream come true' I could repeat it to myself over and over like mantra. I was surprised that she went home and decided to quit the tour. I can't say i loved the touring as much as she did, seeing what it has done to me, i can't say to us, as far as I'm concerned we're intact, but i knew she loved it, and loves it still, but now i just...i don't know, I'm just glad i decided to end everything that might have hurt her since hurting her, was a thing i never wanted to do. But i guess i was weak, i was childish, and most definitely i was wrong. I did not know any better, and i can say i regret it everyday, knowing it happened._

_But fate is favoring me, I feel so lucky to have had the chance to fix everything, everything that happened to me. It was like a bad dream and finally I've woken up from it, and when i opened my eyes boom! A beautiful reality hits me, waking up, with Britt beside me, she's there in the flesh like none of the other lay i had, really existed._

_I'm just glad i settled things with Ash, I feel happy that she's happy, which makes what i did just right. There was really no other right thing to do than that. I'm just happy i did it for the right reasons. Seeing her like that, like she has a better chance at love even if it is with Alex. I will not deny it hurt, when you know you fell in love with someone, and see them move on from that, seeing them with another person, it will hurt no matter how much you try to hide it. To deny it. But it did hurt more before, that just a couple of weeks ago Ash was like a zombie walking around. She tried not to see anyone who is passing her by, expecting that it might be me and she wanted badly for that not to happen. Seeing her like that, was a feeling somewhat like that of a murderer. Like you killed someone and their ghost is after you but when you look behind you, there's none. There's no one there. That feeling you had, if distinguishable was just what's within you. You created it, you felt it because you allowed it to be there. It's just there eating you up. That feeling was worse than any other, well besides the guilt i felt for Britt, since, i did what i did. But Ashley knew everything, and that's the thrust of things. She knew and i did to. And I can't deny it. i can't deny i caused it. Or can i. i don't know, I just know what i know and its right there slapping me in the face._

_Seeing her happy moving on, I knew it was a better than what i felt seeing her like she wasnt existing. Okay, so maybe i didnt actually see her, see her, but the fact that she's avoiding me, and the talks i was getting from Evelyn i knew she was in a very bad shape. Even her work was suffering, that's why she took it upon herself to be transferred to another division. I was not one to oppose, I granted it to her and gave my recommendation. I wasn't in the position to hold her back from anything especially now. I had no right whatsoever. I had no right to prevent her from moving on._

_Moving on and letting go, have always been a tandem it's just too bad that as concepts they went together. But if it applies to a pair, two people taking one for each, they would definitely not be together, those two. But if both concepts are in one person, it sure as hell hurts twice as bad. I let go of Ash and she's moving on, and it's with Alex the dork, to whom I've supplied a plenty amount of dates. But i know he's a good guy, he's my friend, just a bit naughty around women when he gets to know them, i know Ashley can handle him well, and He's good for her. I guess it kinda hurt a bit, it's more of a territorial thing, I knew she was mine, before, but i am somebody else's, i gave my heart to Britt a long time ago, maybe I forgot I didn't have anything to give Ashley, that's why she is the one who lost here, she really was, while my heart is secured and locked away in a safe place. I held hers, and it is unfair not to give it back when I know, i shouldn't be holding anything else, and that there's no room for it too, because my wife's heart had always been there. More than the territorial thoughts, my happy and well wishes to her was most overwhelming. I can't deprive her happiness and be selfish, when I am living in complete bliss. I don't want her moping around crying over me, when I am at home, being loved back and happy, and living my married life._

_She even became a better person when she politely talked to Britt the last time she was here, and the baby news came about, i guess it was like a bulldozer to her heart. When I bumped into her this afternoon I just knew i had to say something. I had to tell her it wasnt because of that. Because, first i don't want my baby to be used as a reason, like its something that is readily available and can pulled around to save a marriage. I don't want Ashley thinking its all about that. I want her to know that, I meant it when I said I wanted to make things right for my own reasons, that I love Britt, and I'm married to her because I love her, I'm making things right because I want to make things right by her. That's the message I wanted to send across with my recent actions. Even if I did have feelings for Ashley, I knew it wouldn't always compare to what i feel for my wife. It was the void she has made that any other one of these women were trying to fill, and i knew for a fact it was only her that i would love that way._

_I'm just glad that we were able to talk after all this time, and when i said that we would be good, i meant it, I was happy for her more than anything, she might not be easy to forget, but, i'm on my way to that, and i just hope she is to. I can see that she is._

_We arrived at the clinic, I opened her door and took her hand, to let her out. Seeing my wife go through this pregnancy, these little things that i can do for her are, i think, my little contributions, my participation through this whole process. We are a family and I wouldn't have it any other way. Britt was particularly quiet, 'really damn the young and the restless'. I intertwined our fingers, and tugged at it a bit. I looked at her quizzically. I kissed her cheek and somehow she gave me a half smile. We entered the clinic ready for our check up. If i'm not mistake, 'coz ive been counting, the baby would be about twelve weeks now, time goes by so fast since Britt has been back i can't we believe we are racing to finish the first trimester._

_I'd hate to think I'm being rewarded for my indiscretions, but seeing how smoothly things are going. I wouldn't have it any other way. Everything's over now, there is nothing that can ruin this for us now. Honesty, its a cliche, i just think that like any other story, there are two sides to it. My side of the story i'll keep that hidden. There's no need for it now to be out in the open. 'C'mon i may have decided to do what's right, but i'm certainly not stupid.' Seeing how things are now, I built it, we built it and i'm not about to ruin it with my stupid mouth. Everything is perfect and i'm not having it any other way._

_-0-_

But i was wrong. Fate has its way of rewarding good deeds and surprise, surprise, definitely bad ones too. The glaring effects of my best buddy fate, are right here, while I drive, while I make my way to there. Because it wasn't as easy as i thought it would be, to do things right by myself. There were people involved and there were things said and done. Like any other good memory, bad memories just don't go away. You can't wake up the next day and say it didn't happen, 'coz it did.

I should have kept it in mind however, that in nature there are neither rewards nor punishments—there are consequences. I may have decided on the right, and did it, no doubt i made it happen. I may have struggled but I knew i made it. But everything else just had to come in and burst my bubble, and tell me 'you aint getting away that fast Lopez you're so not' because of the past. Because what i did would haunt me, and it sure did, when it reached me it pounced hard on me. So now, here i am living its effects, rather its consequences. I'm not complaining because i chose it, to happen, to do, every bit of it.

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I went about my daily run and picked up my morning paper. I wanted to read a bit of news. I'm like a wide reader now. I want to be aware all the time. Considering what happened in the past, pretending you don't really know anything, lead me to lots of trouble. But was it really trouble, or was it just because it hurt. If it was trouble, that i actually made, then i would be able to do something about it. But it wasn't was it.

What i got for somebody else's trouble was hurt. It's agonizing to think that pretending, or at least, shaking things off your mind, not only causes you to think you're stupid, but since you took upon that role, you have to actually hold everything within yourself, what you knew, worse than that, what you felt, but I guess it wasn't that easy. You can only be too patient, too kind, too much of a fool to hold it all in.

-0-

_She took over driving, maybe she noticed that I was acting like snuffleupagus. Slow, sleepy and mopey. I just hope that's exactly what she is thinking. Given that she knows me pretty well. 'please let her misinterpret my actions' i called internally to myself. I wasn't ready to be asked what's wrong. I still don't know how i feel. I wasn't sure if i wanted to scream at her, curse her, and tell her all the awful things i can probably think of. But i'm not really one to be all rage. As much as I can I try to say the things i have to say in the most diplomatic way I can. That's why we are so much, the opposite of the other, that's why i used to think we perfectly fit. San is the fire while I remain to be like the wind._

_She keeps glancing my way, maybe she's wondering why, i'm just looking out the window. But i can't look at her directly, at least not for long. Especially since what i'm feeling right now can explode any minute. I need to calm myself down and let me think of a better way to absorb everything that i just heard and felt. But really it just hurts so bad. A lot of questions are running in my mind. Why this had to happen when everything almost seems so perfect. Then i found out about this. Maybe I should have just covered my ears earlier, that way i wouldn't have heard it. More so I should have closed my eyes, then i wouldn't have seen the careful touches she was giving her. It's my fault that i now know of this. It's my fault that I am hurt because i made myself believe that everything would be okay once i came back. Most of all it is my fault that everything happened._

_I was surprised that we have arrived at the clinic and she has kindly opened, then again, the door for me. She's looking at me adorably and I can't help but melt. I don't really know what to say, and she's not talking too so i remained quiet. I'm feeling a mixture of everything i shouldn't feel when she is looking at me like that, taking my hand in hers, and leaving a kiss on my skin. I 'm supposed to feel, only one feeling, I'm supposed to feel loved. But right now, it's not how i feel What is going through my mind is how much of that love is really mine, and how much of it is as she would call her "Ash's" I love the sound of her name with apostrophe s since, it sounds like ashes, that's what she is, if i wasn't the person i am she would turn exactly into that. Her face and the way she speaks so softly to her, its like she's luring her everytime, and I'm not one to throw insults to anyone. I'm not, it's not who I am but I can't help it. I'm mad, I'm hurt, I feel betrayed, by them and especially San, but i can't break down here, i have to keep my composure, I have to stay calm because stressing myself might do something to our baby. But then again i can help feeling this way. I can't and anytime now i just might burst into tears or I just might slap San. I want to forget what I found out, what i heard and what I saw, like before, let it go, move on, but i can't I need answers and i need them now._

_I hate to think that my sacrifices, my hopes, we're all wasted and let down the moment I heard what I heard and the moment I saw what I saw._

_-0-_

I thought keeping it to myself would allow it to go away. But when you're too hurt, too scarred, and too much is going on, it really becomes confusing. When there's too much that has happened, you have to go through all of it, and try to forget everything and then figure out, you can't. Every little thing that you try to forget, takes a little from you. A little work, a little effort to do so. Until you feel like it has taken all of you to do so. You feel tired. Then that's time it all comes back to you and you figure out you just can't make it disappear.

If i can only wish on a leprechaun, to take it all away, I guess I would. To free my mind of bad memories, and even the effects and its consequences. But like before, i know there's no leprechaun to wish upon, because I faced the consequences and i got hurt and bruised in the process, it will have you scarred which will constantly remind you that it happened, and you can't do anything about it.


	28. Book 3 Chapter 2

Book Three: Loved

_Epilogue: Truth_

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_-0-_

_The car came to a halt. I looked at her and she still hasn't said a word. Oh yeah she did, answering some of the doctor's questions. 'Why do pregnant women have to be so emotional? Maybe I should have the channels programmed to strictly Disney movies.' She got out of the car fast, before i can even open her door. I immediately followed her inside. As I close the front door, I didn't see her in the receiving area so I called out to her._

_"Baby?" I waited for her to respond but she didn't. "Where are you?" I waited for her response and thankfully she did._

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_As soon as she stopped the car, I got out, walked to the door and entered the house. As we got closer to here i felt like i couldn't contain my emotions. I can't face her now and pretend like nothing happened. As much as i can i wanted to control how i feel, I wanted to be sure how to confront her. I can feel the urgency of what i wanted to know. Feeling how hurt I actually was. So I tried to prolong it for a few more minutes. I rushed to go upstairs with the intention to lock myself in the room or in the bathroom._

_I heard her enter when the front door open and i knew there was no escaping this. I heard her voice calling out to me. I waited for her to ask what's wrong. But thankfully she didn't. Instead she asked where I was so I decided i could respond to that. Just as I was about to respond to her, i saw the one thing that I didn't know would strike a nerve in my brain, and i felt like I was overwhelmed with anger._

_Displayed outside our room was the linked pinkies sculpture that impressed me. But on the way here I have the thoughts and the events interwoven in my mind putting it all together. I approached the item that sat solely on the display stand, took it with my hand and mercilessly threw it on the floor. It was smashed, the pieces of glass scattered on the floor._

_I felt like I didn't know what i had just done. I just stood there with pieces of glass surrounding me. I eyed each of it, but none of the things i was seeing relieved me of what i was feeling. I did not even realize that it would create a dreadful sound which will echo through the house. Before it occurred to me, i heard rushing footsteps racing upstairs to where i was._

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_I waited for a bit for her response, while closing the front door shut and securing the locks. I was startled when I heard a smashing sound coming from the second level of the house._

_Panic settled in me, and before i can complete the task i had at hand, without second thoughts, I rushed to go upstairs. 'What could it possibly be, was Britt hurt?" those were the thoughts plaguing my mind as i made my way upstairs. 'god just let her not be hurt.' Her present condition was the aggravating thought to what might have happened. I repeated my wish over and over, reciting it to push the bad thoughts of her being hurt away from my mind. 'She's pregnant' that thought alone, was draining the blood in my body, I could faint at the thought of her and the baby not being safe._

_I reached the top of the stairs and i made my steps quick and almost fleeting. Searched the not so many rooms, and when i turned at the corner to the narrow hallway leading to our room, I saw Britt standing by the display stand surrounded with pieces of shattered glass by her feet. It was the piece Ashley gave us for our last anniversary. There was a sigh of relief that she wasn't hurt and so was the baby. I quickly made my way to her and just as I was about halfway to her. i asked her._

_"Babe, what happened?"_

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_I started to feel jittery and panicky, and I didn't know which way to go, seeing the sharp pieces around me. I almost didn't see her approaching me until i heard her voice asking what had happened. I looked to her direction and saw her coming in, fast approaching. As i took in a heavy breath, I felt tears flowing down my cheeks. I didn't even try to wipe it, i just lifted my head up more upright than it was before and held my hands up to her stopping her from moving further._

_"Don't" Was all I was able to say._

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_As soon as i saw tears flowing down her cheeks, i felt weak. Its one thing to see Brittany smile and to see her crying, sniffling was like different too. But the tears they were flowing non-stop and i felt my heart clench at the thought. 'was it about the broken piece, was she upset about it, she really doesn't have to be it just display, its not that big of a deal, but why was she crying like that' I thought to myself. I continued to walk but then I heard her stop me just saying don't. 'what does don't mean, i don't have a f*cking clue' But even with my internal struggle, i knew i had to have more patience, and be more understanding than I have ever been. I stopped in my tracks and firmly stood on the spot I was on last. I had my hands infront of me as a gesture. I just really have to ask and tell her its okay._

_"Baby it's okay, it doesn't matter...it's just display... you don't need to be upset about it" i told her while I stuttered with the words i was saying, and i'm a lawyer, I'm not suppose to stutter. Then I realized she wasn't finish when she took a breath in and her lips moved to speak._

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_I didn't know what she was planning to do moving towards me. But I only had one thing in mind and I had to say it. I had to say what was on my mind. I guess this is the time to tell her. I was beyond confused and my emotions were driving me mad. I didn't know what to do. So i said what was in my heart even when I heard her say it's just display and it doesn't matter. She's oblivious and I can't blame her because I was the only one who knew how i felt._

_"Don't even try to pick those up infront of me" I cried but continued. "I'm just gonna try and shatter it into smaller pieces 'til there's nothing left of it." i told her. It venomous, hurtful and stinging coupled with a stare that was burning my own eyes which I was throwing directly at her. i can see the panic in her eyes and I can't help but feel vulnerable when she is. I'm scaring her beyond what she can possibly think of. I held my hands in a fist at my side and started crying more. I didn't know what else to say but it came out just the same._

_"it's from your lover Santana, Ashley is your lover isn't she?" I told her, yelling at her. It wasn't actually a question but an accusation, more so, it felt like stating a fact. I saw her sigh in defeat._

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_I wasn't gonna pick those up, it doesn't matter. It's senseless. It doesn't mean anything. But what shocked me was the last string of words she said to me. 'Did she really know? Or was she just jealous' I can't even place a finger on it. I was stressed, i was f*cked up. I didn't know what to do. Like I've always done in situations like this, i avoid it. There is no reason to be ruining this if she was just jealous. I shook my head almost in defeat, but I'm not gonna lie to her I just can't, especially now. So i said what I thought was best since she wouldn't step away from the shattered pieces. I don't want her and the baby to be hurt. That's really all I'm asking right now._

_"Babe just calm down, we were just talking a while ago" I told her initially, I knew it wasn't a question, but I'm after what drove her to ask that, i felt the need to settle it for a bit without lying. Then I continued. "Just Britt, please, step away from there, you're pregnant, I don't want you to hurt yourself and the baby, let's just talk about it, just not there, babe you're scaring the hell out me just being there, just take my hand and step away from there. Please baby...please" I told her calmly with tears in my eyes. I didn't know what came over her to think that way. More so to ask me that, 'F*ck, I just need the Miranda Rights to be read to me now.' I thought to myself._

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_As calmly, patiently, and as scared as she looked and sounded. I gave in, the welfare of the baby occurring to me. Which for a moment, because of my rage i almost forgot, and I wiped my tears away and let out a heavy breath, calming myself down, she came closer, reached her hand out to me. I took it, and made a big step avoiding the pieces of shattered glass. I didn't want to take her hand, but i had to. When I did, i felt it was cold and sweaty. I really did scare her. She was shaking and it didn't escape me, even when i felt that my whole body was shaking too. She held my hand loosely perhaps feeling my reluctance to touch her._

_When we reached the bedroom door she opened it and I immediately entered and she ushered me inside taking me to sit on the bed. I had my hands atop my belly. 'I'm sorry baby' inside my mind i apologized to our baby. As soon as I was seated she kneeled infront of me and kissed me on the forehead, as she uttered "i'm so glad you're okay". But truth is I'm not. Even with sniffles, I felt my eyes were dried up and myself exhausted. I then felt her pull away and then felt the back of her hand touching my cheeks perhaps wiping the tears away from my eyes. But I just stared blankly into the space before me like i was numb and didn't feel her touch me. I said the next thing that came into my mind._

_"I should have believed Daddy when he told me" i said, not too loudly, just enough to be heard. She pulled away from me and looked at me straight in the eye._

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_Thankfully she gave in to my plea and allowed me to bring her into the room. I kissed her, letting her feel there's nothing for her to be upset about and how relieved I was that she wasn't hurt. But then again she spoke and when I heard the words that came out of her mouth I can't believe what i heard, so I felt the need to ask, to clarify._

_"What was that babe?" I asked her even though Ive heard what she said previously. I maintained a distance but not too far just enough to see her face. I held her arms in my hands not wanting to detach myself from her completely._

_"I should've believed Daddy when he told he I'm gonna be hurt more than i think I can be hurt with you cheating on me" She said it one more time with a straight face, staring blankly into nothing. I didn't know how to react to what she just said. 'She knew, F*cking Thomas told her' Was what immediately entered my mind as soon as the term daddy and cheating fell on my ears._

_Then I felt myself losing my grip on her and my body slowly slumping into a sitting position, drawing away from her. Our distance slowly becoming wider. She didn't prevent it from happening. She just sat there still looking into nothing._

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_I can see it in my peripheral how she slowly became weak at my words. She slowly slumped into the ground from kneeling into sitting. No words coming out of her mouth, just her hands which were previously gripping my arms, were at a lost, until it clung to her hair, as she continued to run her fingers through it agitatedly. So I preferred to continue with what I was saying. It was true, as Daddy has told me he wanted to protect me from her, because he knew i was going to be hurt more than I already was when he told me about it. But then again, no. I refused to believe I was going to be hurt. I refused to believe it was true. When I confirmed it, I refused to believe it was more than what I wanted it to be. Then again no, it was exactly everything I didn't want it to be._

_"I told him it wasn't true, that you could never do such a thing to me, i tried to prove that to him in Lima and I thought I prevailed. But i was wrong." It sounded more like a monologue. It was like I was talking to myself. I was calm, yes definitely. But it wasn't because I was at peace. It was because I was exhausted. It was because my tears had dried out and did not feel like flowing anymore. Then I heard she sniveled. I paused._

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_I cannot look at her, as she did say it once again. 'Traitor, traitor' were the words running through my head thinking about Thomas. I was contemplating to ask her whether her father told her how he knew. But almost immediately i went against telling her what went down that night at the club, it's not gonna do her any good, not right now when she's so broken, it's not gonna do me any good either. I never attributed my acts to anyone. Deep within me i knew, Thomas would always protect her. As hurt as I was, I understood him, why he told her. But I didn't know what to say to her. I don't want to convince her to feel otherwise, because, her feelings were raw, her feelings were fresh. I'm not going to deprive her of that avenue to feel how she really does and impose something that she has to feel for me because I wanted her to forget about it, it would be selfish._

_Then perhaps my silence has been for too long she spoke again and her words stung right through my heart. She has known for that long, and she succumbed to the pain for a long time. I cannot imagine my Britt-Britt hurting for that long of a time, or hurting at all. I knew and I felt she was, but i thought it was just because she thought, with the distance, we have drifted apart. But it wasn't. I still cannot look at her. I cannot see her like this, like how broken she was. It would kill me on the spot to do so, to see it, more so with me knowing, I caused it. But i felt like i cannot change her mind about it. The words were strong and I felt its impact hitting me over and over. I didn't know what to say. I just wanted to listen to her, because i didn't want to lie to her anymore. I never did. Lies wouldn't do us any good right now. I didn't want to say anything, and i neither can. But the feelings in my heart poured out, not with words, but with tears. 'f*ck you Lopez for hurting this woman' I cursed myself over and over in my head. I wanted to protest to what she just said, because it was in Lima that we had found ourselves again. Because she was right by that time, in my heart I knew it was done, and i felt like i had to tell her and let her know that._

_"You're not wrong babe, you never were" I told her sincerely even through sobs, i was able to tell her._

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_I could've laughed at what she just said. 'never wrong, I was never wrong , but here I am freaking bleeding' I felt the need to say the thing that prevailed in my mind._

_"If I was never wrong then perhaps I was really stupid." I can't help the venomous words coming out of my mouth. Santana hates it when I called myself that, but it was exactly how I felt. I felt wrong, stupid and fooled. Then i felt her scramble her way towards me. She wrapped her arms around my waist and rested her head on my lap. Then just when i thought it has all dried up, a tear flowed from my eye again._

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_The moment I heard her say that she was stupid my heart felt like it was dropped to the ground. i made my way to her and hugged her. I murmured into her lap._

_"No, no, no, baby you're not. I was, it was stupid what i did. I was stupid for doing such things." My tears were flowing. I can't help it, I wouldn't stop it. I repeated the words over and over again and never stopping. Never allowing a second to slip, just wanting to erase that thought from her mind. I never fooled Britt, I may have fooled every woman, I've been with, even Ashley, but never Britt, never her. I felt her move her hand to her face. She was crying again. I gripped on her tighter. Like I was holding on for dear life. I don't need to be read the Miranda rights now. I admit it. I'm guilty I'm the culprit. Just don't let Brittany be the victim of this. I can't have it, i wouldn't allow it. I was a cheater, for a very long time, I was and I have never called myself that because i didn't want to admit it because I don't want to believe everything that I felt back then were real, but unfortunately they were._

_I didn't want to be mad at her, but I was and I was insecure and immature to have dealt with it that way. I never wanted to hurt her. Never. That's why I spared her from everything. But it was wrong. She did feel everything and I hate myself for making her feel that way, because we were one._

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_I wiped my tears as i felt her grip on me tighten. She was almost rocking me in my seat, never wanting to let go from me. "I know I haven't been perfect, and it iS my fault that everything turned out this way. But you fell ... " i felt like i couldn't continue speaking because i can't breathe holding back my tears again but i knew i had to. "...You fell in love, with another person, when all this time I thought I held your heart..." I almost broke at the last words I choked out in between the sobs and the air i was struggling to breathe. But I still continued "i told myself... As many times as I can... As I had to... that none of it was true that it was nothing it was fling... Oh it was just a one- time thing Britt, no matter how many they were , she's yours... and only to realize now you weren't" I cringed at the last thought, I felt like I was just about to throw up thinking about it. I broke into more tears but I did not falter looking into nothing. I just allowed the tears to flow as heavy as it was and even if it made my vision blurry. I then felt her move from my lap. I still didn't move even if my hand were now free from her restraint._

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_I heard her say that I wasn't hers I felt the need to defend it because it wasn't true. I was never not hers every single one of my women knew that they never had a hold on me. I knew in myself no one has held me fully captive to one person besides her. I had to tell her that. I had let her know it wasn't true, to change her mind and even more to make her believe that it wasn't her fault. It was me, I was the one who was mistaken. I looked at her even if she didn't return my gaze I shook her a bit shaking my head in denial._

_"no babe that's not true, it's not your fault, it never was..." I didn't mind the tears I just allowed them to pour and cover my face. I gasped and continued to speak "I'm yours, always been... believe me please... please, they never had me, they never had my heart" I told her while furiously tugging at her arms that I was holding. I took a deep breath "it has always been yours, it had a void without you... They can never fill that void... Only you can do that please believe me. " I was panicking but i continued to say everything I was feeling. "baby it was a nightmare... all I wanted was to wake up from it... " I gasped "I didn't want it, never wanted it, I was just so lost without you" I continued to tell her although it felt like she wasn't listening. If I had to tell her over and over again I would. "it's over babe, I promise you, all of them, they are gone. They won't bother us...they're gone." i had to convince her, tell her everything that's true that was in my being. I'm bearing my soul to her even if there was nothing left I would, if that's what she needs me to do._

_I let my my hands slip down to her hands and grasp them. "I need you to believe in us Britt. I love you, I never wanted to hurt you"... Ashley and I we're over, I told her that long before you came back, i promise... we we're just talking this afternoon. It meant nothing, I did not let it get to that point, I did not let her i never wanted her to get there" I really didn't know what else to say. But i can't stop talking knowing that convincing her would take much more than this. I felt desperate trying to get her to at least listen to me and understand what I was saying. I can't expect and I can't demand. I could only hope she would, but true to my heart, my mind, my whole being even, the words i was letting out of my lips, were the truest things I know, I can and have to tell her, deeply from my heart and I just hope she feels that because right now its all i have to give her, I could only do much if she would let me and I hope she does._

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_I heard her say all of those words, those promises she wanted me to believe and I couldn't take it not to look at her anymore. I wanted to scoop her up and fix her and be everything she wants me to be and do everything she wants me to. Because I should've known that she really is feeling those things._

_With every word she said, i felt her desperation. Her hold on me never faltered to make me feel that she meant every word, everything that she said. I wanted to believe her, and my anger was now coupled with pity, seeing her like that, hearing her say things like that. How weak she was, and no matter how many times she denies it, I'd still know I caused many of those things to her. i wanted to tell her i wasn't mad anymore, but I still am, and even if i wanted to tell her that her words erased all of my previous feelings, i can't, because it didn't. it was still there, I still felt hurt, I knew she still did. I did not doubt what she said, it's just that, I can't have myself to just accept and forgive everything with a snap of a finger, because right now I just can't, i didn't feel like i can, i wanted to ask her one more thing and i hope she gives me the one answer I wanted her to give me to strengthen my resolve._

_"did you ever think of leaving me?" I turned my gaze down at her, it was stern, it was strong, it was serious. This i knew i needed an answer, i don't just need a confirmation. She has to answer it, as abruptly and as immediate, as i have asked her, I needed her answer._

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_I continued to cry, not knowing what more i can possibly say. But I held her still as tightly as i have the first time I've had my grip on her throughout this whole conversation. With the hope, that if my sincerity not be bridged by words that my touch definitely would. I wanted everything she thought she has done wrong be erased. I wanted her to break her beliefs of this blaming she was doing to herself. Because I did it all. I was the one who was wrong, and for the first time during all this time that i've done those things, I'm taking the step to be held liable for it, to the person who mattered, to the person to whom I owed an explanation and to the one person i was answerable for all this. My wife, the love of my life. The moment she opened her mouth and asked the question with the tone of finality to all of this, I knew the answer to it, i didn't even need to think about it, because it has always been true, and it never crossed my mind to do that, so when her gaze fell on me, and she spoke the last words of that question. I answered it, from the recesses of my being. I blurted it out with finality, because as much as things have went on and by, I never had that thought in mind._

_"Never" i told her, staring back at her. As soon as the words left my lips, i felt her lunged forward wrapping her arms around my neck._

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_The moment I heard her say the word, as I hoped, as i wanted and with the urgency of wanting to hear it. it was as immediate as i wanted it to be. Right after I asked, she gave me the answer, which internally i prayed she would give. I figured, as to now, seeing how broken she was, and how broken I was, maybe that word was enough to let her know I was still with her. That we both did something wrong and I wanted her to know how sorry I was too about everything that happened. I told her my resolve, for now, it was what i felt I could do. I held her tight as tightly as she was holding me and I whispered to her ear._

_"I'm gonna try." I told her, with the words tasting bitter on my tongue. It was not what I wanted to say, but it was all I can say for now._

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_Feeling her arms around me, tightly as i had my arms around her, i felt like she listened, like she did not ignore everything i just said and explained even without seeing her eyes right now I'd take it. With all the wrong things I have done which have hurt the one person i truly did love and allowed myself to love more than myself. Hearing her words that she was going to try, and when it comes from Britt I know for sure it means everything that involved this and us. She was gonna try, i truly and genuinely felt it was enough for me. When i felt like there was nothing else i can probably say. I said that one true thing i knew from the start of all of this, of all of us, and i mean every word._

_"I love you Babe, and that's enough for me." I turned my head to place a kiss on her cheek, that somehow gave me relief. It's a start, again, and i'm gonna do everything in my power to make it all alright._

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As soon as I was able to park my car, i got out and made my way to the supposedly familiar place, that has cradled me for years.

My steps were small and the pace was slow. Like I was prolonging the agony of seeing it, of being there. This has been home for a good number of years, and everything I would see around that room would remind me of who I was, more so it would remind me of who I am. But there's no turning back and I had to do it sooner or later and there's no question. I'm here now, so it means it has to be done now_._

As soon as I entered the place the cold wind of memories hit me. Everything here spells out my name and I can't help but linger in the feeling. The walls the floors, every little trinket of my being was scattered all over this confined space.

The thought of leaving it clenched my heart. But if I was looking forward to something brighter, a fresh new start maybe, I knew I had to leave all this behind.

I moved a little further and saw the empty boxes. I know what they're for. I have to put all the things I've owned into those. There's no time to waste. The sooner I am able to do this, the sooner i will be able to move on, or at least, try to. I had to, i don't regret it at all. I knew it is for the best hence it's worth the try.

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I've parked the car and got out almost immediately. The drive was short and it didn't take long for me to arrive at my destination.

First, before i can enter the place. I opened the trunk of my car. It revealed to me some boxes which I have packed earlier containing some personal items which i needed for this new... let's just say... adventure. I like the sound of that. It sounds magical and exciting. It gives me something to look forward to. I took the box out one by one, carefully putting them down near my feet. 'How to carry the little packages?' i thought to myself. Almost immediately I figured i could perhaps take three at a time. I piled the boxes up ready to carry them in one scoop. But then I figured I can't see anything when these are placed right before my eyes. Maybe i could just do this thing by instinct, the door was not too far anyway, I can try getting there and hopefully with no trouble.

I closed the trunk and as soon as I did I scooped the boxes up again. As soon as I was sure they securely placed in my arms, i started making my way to the door. Unknown to me were the pieces of pebbles, scattered in my way, that was before i stepped on them and started to lose balance, hence the boxes were in danger of falling off my arms. Before I could possibly fall, face flat on the boxes. A pair of strong arms, caught me and the boxes I was holding. Even without seeing the face, i was immediately thankful for his kindness. He took two boxes from my hold and and as he did, his face was revealed. A stranger has helped me. He flashed me a wide smile and i returned it with one full of energy. The day, i thought just got better.

We made our way to the door talking whilst we carry the not so heavy boxes. When we finally reached the door. I opened it. As soon as I did, it revealed to me a place which seemed so quiet yet peaceful. Soon it's gonna be filled with colors and music, but right now it's enough for me.


	29. Book 3 Chapter 3

Book Three: Loved

_Epilogue: Consequences_

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_Just when I thought we've fallen back into normalcy, seeing that we were doing the things we usually do. The things she has been accustomed to doing since she has arrived has been her daily routine and I wouldn't ask for more since too big a step might appear less sincere and all than what it really was. As we have committed to do, we are making us work, and it means having a life together like the past few months she has been back and that like I have promised and even done, I hadn't given her or done anything to make her regret giving me another chance but I guess things weren't as I thought they would be after everything had come out in the open. I knew it was going to be difficult, but its much harder than that. Everyday I can still see how broken she was about everything. The once bright and colorful personality that is within Britt has been clouded with gray and I can't help but blame myself._

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_I thought knowing the truth would shed light into our future but I was wrong. I didn't know it but everyday I felt heavily burdened with fear and anxiety and everything that I don't think I've ever felt before. I knew it wouldn't go away easily, that things wouldn't be the same but I can see she is trying her best and I want to do that to, I badly just want to be my old self, even before when I just found out about it, but it felt like I can't control what my heart is holding within me. Everytime I look at her, I can see how hard she tries and I want to tell her she doesn't need to do that, she doesn't need to do this. But I felt like I can't. I was trying really hard to forget it. To tell her let's forget everything that happened but I can't since everytime I look at her I see them, I see her with them and it hurts so much that it becomes uncontrollable even if months have passed since I told her I would try I still can't reacquaint how I felt that day i found out, I still can't forget it._

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_I had called Britt earlier to tell her that I had to stay because of a case conference and that I might be late for dinner and told her to not wait up for me since I knew she needs all the rest and I want her to be resting well for her welfare and for the baby._

_I arrived home later that night and saw that I had my dinner set aside for me in the kitchen. I even told her to leave the dishes as to not work herself up too much and I'll attend to it when I get home. But she did prepare me dinner and she had washed the dishes. After I've eaten I made my way to our room as quietly as possible so as not to wake her, it was pretty late and I figured she should have been asleep by that time. I entered the room and to my surprise she was still awake and watching t.v. Upon hearing me enter the room she directed her gaze to the direction of our bedroom door and looked at me._

_"Babe , why are you still awake?" I asked curious and worried at the same time since I really wanted her to be resting at that time._

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_When I heard the front door open, I gave out a sigh of relief, figuring it must be her. I continued to wait for her to come upstairs. I didn't want it to be obvious that I was waiting up for her since she said she will be home much later than usual. She told me the reason but somehow it didn't quite settle with me. So I did wait up to relieve myself. Usually before we had the talk her latest hour to be home was around 9, and I so wished that night that she would be home at such hour and to prove to myself I had nothing to worry about, thankfully she did get in at 9 and I couldn't have been more relieved. I was lost in pretending to watch some uninteresting cartoon when she opened the door and immediately asked me why I was still up._

_"I was just watching t.v and lost track of time." I told her, I didn't tell her I had waited up since I didn't want her to think I doubted whatever she said._

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_Her eyes didn't quite convey what she said. I can't blame her though, but I really don't want her to be stressing about this since her and the baby's welfare and health are of paramount interest. I didn't react and just accepted what she said. I don't want to confront her if she was thinking of something or if she had some doubts and wanted to ask me something. I can deal with this and if I had to do this forever I would because we're building our lives again, and if that's what she needs I would let her have that. So I said what I thought was best at the moment._

_"I ate the dinner you prepared and I'll change now and after that we'll sleep, that okay?" With that I kissed her and went to the bathroom to change._

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_"Okay, it's almost done now." I told her and looked at her retreat into the bathroom._

_After a few minutes she went back into our room and laid beside me held me in her arms like she always does every night. I cuddled closer to her and inhaled her scent. She smelled exactly like how she would, that smell of hers I always knew and not like anything else, the thought relieved me and eventually we fell into a deep sleep._

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_I brought some work home and decided to work on it in my free time. It was a few contracts that I needed to draft for Mr. Bell's client and he allowed me to actually bring it. I promised Britt I would cook her dinner tonight since I knew I will be home early and since she was the one always cooking, I wanted her to be rested all the time, one of the reasons why I also hired someone to help her in the house while I was at work._

_I put off drafting the papers to cook dinner and then eventually get back to it after. While I was chopping some ingredients with Britt watching me go around the kitchen while I do so, my phone rang and I saw that it was Mr. Bell, therefore important, so I had to answer it. So I did. I can't quite hear him so I went into the living room and talked to Mr. Bell. After talking to him I placed my phone on top of the display stand in the hallway and immediately went to the study room right across it to check the contract he called me about._

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_She exited the kitchen and took the call. It made me all sorts of nervous to think who might be calling her. I didn't try to follow her into the living room since it would have been too obvious if I did so. So I waited. After a while I felt like I couldn't take it any longer to wait for her. I stepped out of the kitchen and made my way to the hallway. She wasn't there but her phone was sitting on the display stand. Before I knew it, I was holding her phone and scanning through it's contents._

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_It didn't take long for me to check what Mr. Bell had asked me and I made my way back to continue my dinner preparations. When I was about to step out of the study I saw Britt in the hallway holding my phone. I closed my eyes at the sight and waited until she was done. There was nothing to see in there so, if that thought would relieve her doubts I would let her and wait for her until things get better._

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_I scanned through the messages and pictures and phone calls and found nothing, but Mr. Bell as the last call she received. The thought relieved me. I placed the phone back down immediately before she even sees me holding it. I didn't want her to think I was being paranoid about these things and of course the last thing I want was for her to think I was invading her privacy, but I can't help it, it's like tempting to do so, I wanted so badly to erase what was running through my mind but I can't even if I want to. It was there and I hate the feeling and I didn't want it._

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_I saw her drop the phone back on the stand and make her way back into the kitchen. I sighed convinced myself it will get better. I got my phone and made my way back too. I placed the phone on the counter, smiled and kissed her while telling her it was Mr. Bell who called and I even told her what he wanted, like it was just a story I was sharing to her, she smiled back at me and asked me like she didn't know, like she haven't checked it on her own. We continued talking while I went back to chopping and told myself 'Everything's gonna be alright, we're trying real hard' I told myself._

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_She nuzzled in the crook of my neck and I embraced her tightly and held her closer. As close enough as her small baby bump would allow. As I close my eyes to wait for sleep to fall upon me. I felt her blew a heavy breath to my neck. Then I felt her move her head slowly and small kisses being placed on my neck._

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_I nuzzled in the crook of her neck and felt her warmth. It wasn't unusual, this is how we usually sleep. But tonight even before we lay on the bed to sleep I felt the warm need that enveloped my body. So I initiated and placed soft gentle kisses on her neck, seeing that she was almost closing her eyes awaiting sleep to fall upon us._

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_I knew what this move by her meant. We have been intimate a couple of times even after everything that had transpired. We can't help it, we have needs. Although at times I felt afraid to be intimate with her because of her condition, the doctor gave us a go to be intimate with each other even during the pregnancy and even with that I felt like I had to still be more careful and cautious. But who was I to deny her, I need it just as much as she does. 'Carefully' I told myself feeling the baby bump and being reminded of the pregnancy._

_I opened my arms a bit wider and pulled back a bit. I turned my head to the side to face her and almost immediately captured her lips with mine. Our kiss started slow and after a while it deepened and I felt her tugging at the hem of my shirt._

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_I tugged at the hem of her shirt to let her know what I really wanted. She immediately understood. We pulled apart and she removed it. We pulled away and from each other and stood up at each of our side of the bed. I stripped myself naked and so did she. As soon as every article of clothing has been peeled off our bodies, we pulled the covers lay back down on the bed. We resumed to kissing and eventually deepening it again. I allowed my hands to roam her body caressing her. However even if I wanted to pull her on top of mine but she wouldn't shift our position perhaps she feels she might hurt me or the baby so we remained laying side by side facing each other. I opted to tangle my fingers into her hair pulling her face closer to further deepen our kiss._

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_MY hands roamed around her body but I didn't quite know where to let it rest because I didn't want to put pressure on her sides near her belly or her hips. I settled to grip on her thigh instead and let it rest on my hip._

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_I felt her pulling one of my thigh and letting it rest on her hip. I felt my body getting eager by the second and I felt like I needed her inside me. So I let one of my hands snake through our bodies and find the sweetest spot that needed my attention to get her to start._

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_I felt the urgency of the moment and when she moved her hand to that intimate part of my body I reached out for hers too and gently allowed myself to feel her and allowed myself into her._

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_When I felt her touching me, I made my move and directed my hands to touch her too. Reaching the spot I let myself into her, pleasing each other at the same time._

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_The soft caresses and the passionate kisses continued to ensue. I felt the sensations in my body rising to heights as I felt her tightening around me._

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_I felt her writhing beside me with my every touch and myself slowly becoming weak to the sensation. I wanted to look at her as I felt my body losing control and then an image of her in the same situation flashed into my mind. I felt afraid to look at her. I wanted to dismiss the image like how I want to dismiss it from my mind everytime it flashed in my sight everytime we were intimate. I closed my eyes and turned my head to the side._

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_As uncontrollable as the sensation and pleasure was I can't help but see the look on Britt's face everytime we are in this situation. Unlike the times when we had done it before everything was out in the open, I noticed that Britt would almost always avoid my gaze, turn her head or close her eyes, at first I thought it was because of the sensation or some uncontrollable feeling. But I knew it wasn't so I decided to say what I knew she needed to hear._

_"Baby look into my eyes" She did not respond so I decided to continue speaking without pulling apart. "look into my eyes so you'll see there's only you" I told her firmly and surely. Because if she did look into my eyes she'll see that in this moment and every other intimate moment it was only her that I see, always._

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_As close as I was to the peak of pleasure, I furiously turned my head and tightly shut my eyes. I never faltered in my movements though I continued to move in her._

_When I heard her, I took a moment for it to register. To allow myself to not be afraid to look into her eyes, see for myself that what she was saying was true. Eventually I felt myself clenching on her. She was furiously shaking beside me._

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_I felt her movements getting faster, but she hasn't opened her eyes, she hasn't looked at me. I felt myself shaking and breathing heavily feeling the uncontrollable waves of pleasure flowing through my body. My eyes closed almost involuntarily, I allowed myself to linger in the sensation until I felt her pull out and I did the same. I kissed her on the forehead and then my back fell on the bed._

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_I opened my eyes as she pulled out. I felt a tear stream down my face as she kissed me on my forehead. I didn't see it because I was scared, I missed the chance to look into her eyes because it frightened me to do so. I saw her shake her head a bit as she allowed herself to lay back down on bed. I felt tired, not because of what we had just down. I'm hurting myself and hurting her too and I knew there was just one thing to do. I was tired of trying and I felt that every single thing I was feeling crumbled._

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_I felt disappointed that she didn't look at me as I held her in my arms and as she held me. After catching my breath, I took her in my arms, I just held her tighter, to let her know that it was okay that I can wait. But then I felt warm tears stream down her face and I knew she was tired and still broken and still hurting and it hurt me. Then she said the word and I felt like my world has been crushed "Sorry" was the last thing she said and I closed my eyes and let my tears flow too._


	30. Book 3 Chapter 4

Book Three: Loved

_Epilogue: Letting Go_

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After I had placed everything I owned into the few boxes that were left empty for me to use, I left the place as soon as I was done. The afternoon sun was approaching and I was definitely feeling myself getting hungry by the minute. Considering I only had coffee for breakfast. It's really odd, in the past coffee always did it for me, even if it was the only thing I would have throughout the whole day, but I guess I've gotten used to having breakfast and now that I've only had coffee its torturing to think how hungry I actually feel.

I put the car to a stop when I spot my supposed destination. Seeing it, its not too big, although it is a bit smaller than where I used to be, I still can't help but smile, inwardly I cheered to a new start, to a new life.

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Whilst carrying the boxes into the confined space, me and my new found friend, Steve got introduced a bit. He's also a dancer trying it out in Broadway, and he has lived here for a few years. It's a perfect opportunity that we had found each other today, when I was about to start with this new venture. I will definitely need some help. As if it wasn't enough that he actually helped me carrying these boxes, he offered to help me with the rest of my task at hand. Painting, decorating, hanging up of frames, I could've done it all by myself, but a helping hand definitely made it easier.

After the last of the boxes have been brought in we settled to start with everything we had to do inside.

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I stepped out of my car and went to the back to open the trunk. I carried one box out, and as I close the trunk to have it secured while I carry the box I was holding upstairs to my floor, I saw a familiar face waiting on me to see her.

Clad in a casual attire unlike in the office attire I always see her in, was my friend, confidante, the most loyal assistant I guess anyone can ask for.

"Ma'am!" She called out to me as soon as she caught my eye.

"Hey woman!" I told her whilst giving her a nod as I did so.

"It's about time you arrived I've been waiting here for about half an hour." She told me.

"So you're complaining now?" I asked her, daring her to defy me. "You could've met me earlier you know" I added not giving her the opportunity to answer. We were supposed to meet earlier, but she wasn't up for it at how early I got started.

"Not my fault you decided to do things earlier than what we agreed on" She reasoned out. Then before I can counter what she was saying she spoke again. "So what did take you this long? I'm guessing a trip down memory lane?". She shot back rather convinced with the reason and masking it with a question.

"Shut it" I told her while I scrunched my face for her stop messing with my head. "I wanted to start early, but then you know how traffic is at this time of day." I told her half lying and half being truthful. Maybe I did have a little trip down that road of memories, but definitely it didn't take all of my time. I can't help it, the place was so full of it. Besides it's where I saw the meaning of success. Seeing that we were on the sidewalk it wasn't a proper place to be contemplating on my thoughts so I pulled myself out of it and called Evelyn's attention. "Well seeing that, we have wasted much of our time why don't you take this box from my hands and start moving faster." I told her raising my eyebrows at her. She grunted and then extended her hands to me, taking the box that I was holding, she can really be stubborn, but reliable at best.

"Fine boss, but just so we're clear, you're still a bitch" She told me and then flashed me a wide grin. I could only laugh at her. She was never afraid of me but always obedient. I could totally have her as one constant woman in my life. I gave her a smile and walked back to the trunk of my car to get another box. We totally have to move faster. There's only the two of us and besides, we're way up another floor. 'this is gonna be a ton of work'

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"Where do I put this?" I heard Steve call out to me from the far corner of the place. I turned my head to look at him and scrunched my face while I try to figure out what to tell him as to where he should put the frame he was holding. It was a picture of a ballerina, I think pictures like that seem fitting for the place. This is my place now. Every corner of this place has a touch of me and I couldn't be more proud. I squinted my eye a bit.

"Just put it there" I told him pointing to the wall at the left. He did as I instructed seeing he has positioned it lower than my liking, I didn't hold back into telling him where I wanted it. "Center, a little higher" He continued to move the frame as I've instructed, when I thought that it was perfectly in place as I would've liked it. I blurted out a reassuring agreement. I nodded and told him. "There! Perfect" He smiled at me put the frame down and started putting up where to hang it on the wall.

I continued to eye the wall which I've painted earlier. It's good that I'm only doing this now. Had I been pregnant I don't think I can bear being near these chemicals when I knew I had a baby on the way, it's just not healthy for the baby. A few moments and I'm still applying paint to this wall, occasionally pulling away to check if I've applied it evenly. I was broken from my concentration when the door swung open. I threw a glance to its direction to see who it was. There she was. My friend and confidante who had graciously agreed to come home and work with me. Lily. With sunglasses over her eyes she made her way towards me. Like she promised she is here and will now come to work with me.

"Sorry I'm late, still can't adjust to the time difference" She explained as she removed her sunglasses which covered her droopy eyes which looked like she is still in dire need of more sleep.

I dropped the roller I was holding and met her halfway. I engulfed her in a hug. I pulled away for a bit to look at her. "It's okay, I totally understand. Besides, Steve is here to help me." I told her with a very enthusiastic smile.

She looked at Steve, who gave her a half smile but didn't stop with what he is doing. Then she looked back at me quizzically. She moved her face closer to my ear and asked in a whisper "Who is Steve?" I smiled at her.

"Lil you don't have to whisper." I told her matter-of-factly. "Steve is my assistant…" I told her but I felt the need to clarify. "New assistant." None of my words however had put Lily at ease since she still had her questioning eyes.

"Since when?" Her voice was still soft and low. I just rolled my eyes at her.

"Since this morning silly, I met him outside and he helped me with the boxes." I told Lily wanting to ease her worry. She's really not one to open up to a stranger even if they're nice. She's always on guard, inquisitive and doubting.

"Just like that…" She told me with an appalled expression on her at the idea that I had easily welcomed this new addition. "Really Britt?" It wasn't really a question it was more of a warning.

"Yeah, really, Just like that" I told her nonchalantly and she looked at me with abhorrence with what I just said, well not really as bad as that, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't like it.

"Well I'm not happy about it." She stated with resolve. Then her face fell, perhaps realizing I'm not changing my mind too so she spoke again. "yet" raising her eyebrows at me, I smiled at her and hugged her. Scrunching her face, I knew what I want would prevail. It always does, there was only one time when what I wanted didn't prevail, and from then on I learned it. Oh well, it's all in the past. Besides Steve would be my personal assistant, she can have her own too if she would like. Steve really just came at the perfect time since he would be a great addition, I was definitely looking for one. As unfortunate as it was, Addie exclusively works for Louie and as much as she wants to, she can no longer be my assistant. "So why don't you introduce Steve to his new semi- boss?" I heard Lily speak, she totally is giving this a chance and I couldn't be happier. I smiled again and immediately took her wrist into my hand and dragged her to where Steve was. As soon as we were in front of him I dropped Lily's wrist, faced Steve and spoke with glee

"Steve, this is Lily, Lily Miller, my business partner." I then turned to Lil and spoke again introducing Steve to her." Lil, this is Steve Cox." As soon as I was done speaking Steve dropped the frame that he was holding safely and wiped his hands on his jeans. He reached a hand out to Lily and greeted her.

"Hi" with a bright smile on his face. Lily flashed him a hesitantly fake one and greeted Steve too.

"Hello" She reluctantly took his hand which she eventually shook.

I smiled at their interaction. I can totally see the possibility of the three of us working together. Besides I can do away with the formalities of assessing Steve's fitness for the job. He is kind and that seems to be my first consideration. He was kind enough to help me earlier and I presume he can dance since he is auditioning for Broadway, I guess it wouldn't hurt to help him out by giving him a more steady job, Lily and I could sure use his help organizing this place since, we are just starting after all. A few moments have passed but I noticed that this boy in front of me and this girl beside me has been holding each other's hand quite a bit longer than how two people who were just introduced are supposed to shake hands. Steve is smiling goofily but is never tearing his eyes away from Lily, while Lil is trying to avoid the intensity of the stare being thrown her way but peeps occasionally through her lashes. I coughed out a bit to break what seems to be a silent understanding. More like they were in a trance. Perhaps catching their attention with my fake cough worked when Lily immediately pulled her hand away which Steve gladly let go, taking his hand back to his side. Lily turned away and as she did, she called out.

"We better get back to work" She said in a rather low but stern voice. Steve with a silent laugh shot back rather loudly to Lily's direction with a nod.

"Back to work!" He said and picked up the frame he was previously holding. I rolled my eyes at the childish antics and made my way to where I initially was.

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When I entered the place earlier, I was greeted by a rather large, well-framed sign, and seeing it,I couldn't feel more proud. Having taken all the boxes that I've brought with me to the upper floor where we were situated, Evelyn and I, started to pick the little things from the box, which I guess have been waiting for me for more than a year now.

After taking a leave of one full year and right after I eventually decided to leave the place that has been home to me for the past few years, and if I must say very successful years at that, a few months after that I decided to have my own firm. Having complied with everything that was necessary to have this, during those months, here I am just about to start it.

The place isn't anywhere near what I had before, it is small, and quite amateurish, considering the experience and the clients I've encountered before, but this, this is mine. There is no better feeling than that. What has made me make that decision, it was true, staying would have been easy, but my life and every little aspect of it needed a new start, this is part of it. No regrets. Having this, something of my own, is part of that. I don't really mind starting from scratch, I'm still young.

Here we are, after we have carried all the boxes to the upper floor where we were supposed to be staying. Evelyn started to open the boxes and eyed the things which I have packed in there from Bell & Ward.

I'm standing near my new desk, the distance gave me room to observe Evelyn. 'Could I be more thankful for her' I told myself. The moment I said I was leaving the firm, Evelyn with no hesitation was out and about ready to go with me. It's a good thing that the firm allowed her too, more so, they gave her the benefits which she was entitled to. She has been under many bosses before since she had been associated with the firm for a long time, but never has she left the firm for any of them. But then, when it came to me, she stuck with me. I wouldn't complain, you don't just find somebody as loyal, as reliable, as dedicated as she is everyday. It's rare and I'm glad I've found an assistant and a friend like her.

I wouldn't have notice that she was staring back at me, with a quizzical look on her face had she not spoken.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" She asked, puzzled as to why I was keenly observing her. I realized she has stopped putting the things on the shelves that surrounded us and was just staring back at me. I smiled at her and simply said the reason for my staring.

"Nothing… just… Thank you" I told her sincerely. There was no better way to say it but just like that. She returned a genuine smile. I turned my head to the side to break the silence that overtook us. I don't like these mushy moments, but sometimes you can't help it. I just diverted the thrust of our conversation. "Let's finish this so we can eat, I'm starving" I told her hoping to get back to our normal selves.

"You can go and eat, I'll stay here and finish this, besides I was late, so pretty much I ate brunch." She told me while she continued to place my things on the shelves. "and just so you know I've started on my diet." She told me in voice which was rather proud.

"Really…?" I asked while raising my eyebrows. I want her to think I don't believe a bit of that information.

"really, and this" She pointed to her blouse. "Used to not fit me, and tends to show all the bulges of fat from my belly." She was trying to convince me and sure it was true. I can see how loosely the blouse fits her now. " And look at it now" She said with pride and a smirk on her face.

"Well… I haven't seen it before, so I can't say I'm convinced" I told her with a doubting expression on my face. Her face fell seeing how I looked at her and her blouse.

"Oh c'mon boss… just this once be supportive" She told me stubbornly. "You don't know how many meals I've cut down, to be in this size" Definitely she has lost weight compared to how she looked like the last time I saw her. I laughed at her disappointed face and she figured I was just messing with her.

"You know I'm just messing with you, now continue living healthy.." I told her while pointing to nothing in the air. "You'll never know, you might turn out to look as hot as me and then you'll be on the market" It's not impossible she still can find that man she just wouldn't believe me everytime I did tell her that. I continued to taunt her. "Like I've told you time and time again, someone is out there to tap that, and if I may warn you again, as virtuous as it is, remaining celibate, is not very healthy, sometimes you need to use that" I told her with one eyebrow raised and with a nod. She gave me a disgusted look.

"Uh.. whatever… we're not talking about this again.." She is so losing this, I know she easily gets disgusted and irritated by the topic of her sex life. She spoke again before I can even add to my brilliant ideas. "besides I bet it's just hunger that's doing that to your mind." She shot back, knowing that I might be hungry and it really is almost lunchtime. She continued to speak, obviously not done with this banter. "Remember you can't miss lunch today." I smiled at the thought yeah I can't miss lunch. Being her most caring self or for me to just be gone and quit making fun of her. She added again "This will be done even before you are back in this office, and before your associates are here for your first meeting with them, so go!" and shooed me with her hand. So I dropped the frame I was holding on my desk and started walking out of the office to make my way downstairs.

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When I finished painting the one wall in the lobby that would break the monotony of all the other walls which were colored lightly with beige and unlike that of the studio's which were covered with mirror's I decided to try out our new place. Wanting to see if it was a perfect fit to its purpose and that all the things surrounding this place would actually draw you and convince you to dance, I went into the studio and played one emotion driven song. I would do a freestyle and wait for the music to just carry me and see for myself if indeed the place is conducive to dancing. I docked my IPod to the system to have the song playing in the whole studio as the same was attached to the sound system, since, well there was only the three of us there. I'm pretty sure no one would mind. It's the perfect opportunity for me to see Steve's dancing abilities if he could follow my rhythm as spontaneous as it may be then he must be one good dancer, he can then be a substitute instructor just in case there is a need to have one. I took a peek at the door way and saw him wiping the frames he has hung on the walls. I gestured for him to come inside the studio. As soon as he got inside, I told him the purpose of this.

"I just want to see what you can do, but I'm gonna dance first and you would have to follow me."

"Okay" he nodded and gave his agreement. I smiled at him.

"this is not a test, I just want to dance…so… you don't really have to be nervous." I told him convincingly and he smiled which was I think indicative that he was shedding away the nervousness which I noticed when I told him about the dance earlier. I chose the song. Easy interpretation for freestyle I bet he'll keep up, but usually ballet is hard to anticipate, and that's what I'm gonna be performing. I pressed play and placed myself near the bars so I can start there, I held on the bar as I waited for the song to play. Then I raised my arm in the air as an initial stance.

_I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart  
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start_

_You put your arms around me  
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go  
You put your arms around me and I'm home_

As the first part of the song started to play. I started moving my free arm like it was floating in the air and landing on my chest following its movement with my eyes. As the beat changed, eventually I allowed myself fall down on the ground by letting go of the bar .

I can see from the mirrors how Steve was mimicking my movements at first.

_You put your arms around me  
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go  
You put your arms around me and I'm home_

As the song hit another verse he left me on the ground and started spinning away from me. 'commendable move' I must say. I immediately lifted myself from the ground as soon as he started spinning. In full use of my limbs and arms. I started to take the opposite direction of his spin.

_How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around  
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown_

He continued to move and like we were independently moving but somehow our calculated fast but graceful movements were united in a way. I'm loving how he is not just following me and I can see he picks up fast.

_I hope that you see right through my walls  
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling  
I'll never let a love get so close  
You put your arms around me and I'm home_

_The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved  
I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone_

_You put your arms around me_  
_And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go_

We continued to spin this time in unison. He followed the direction of my body gliding in different directions. With my arms in the air, and he did the same as soon as any part of my body was moving, his, moved too.

_I hope that you see right through my walls_  
_I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling_

_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

_I hope that you see right through my walls  
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling  
I'll never let a love get so close  
You put your arms around me and I'm home_

_The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved  
I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone_

_You put your arms around me  
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go_

I let my body reach the center of the floor and let my body fall again into a cocoon. With arms wrapped tightly around my body mimicking a fetal position

He made his way to me gliding and spinning alternately. When he was standing right behind me he took my arms and lead me to rise.

_I hope that you see right through my walls_  
_I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling_  
_I'll never let a love get so close_  
_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

We extended our movements with our bodies close together. Left to right and back again, not stopping and just letting our body movements be dictated by the music. I loved how he knows how to lose himself in the rhythm.

I heard his fast movements moving around me…

_I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth  
And I've never opened up  
I've never truly loved 'Till you put your arms around me  
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go_

I closed my eyes and continued to move, getting totally lost in the rhythm of the song

As I felt his hand about to land on my arms, I pulled away, and like a theatrical act he reached for me from afar.

I wasn't stopping, but the thoughts in my mind regarding Steve's potential weren't stopping too, he really is good I must say. Until I heard his movements have quieted but it didn't bother me.

The song was coming to an end and I wanted to finish it. So I continued to glide not seeing where I was headed.

_I hope that you see right through my walls_

_I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling  
I'll never let a love get so close  
You put your arms around me and I'm home_

_You put your arms around me and I'm home_

As soon as the song came to an end and I felt my body has stopped moving, I felt arms catching me from my spin. The body behind me had one hand on my waist and the other holding my arms to an embrace.

I wanted to pull away but almost immediately another song started. The arms which were holding me were not in anyway letting go of me and I felt its familiarity and it's like I needed to dance once again. I smiled at the thought.

As the next song started to play, we started to sway to it. The hold on me was getting tighter and I was loving the closeness of our bodies.

_Heart beats fast_

I felt my right arm being lifted to extend to the right, then it fell on the side of my head.

_Colors and promises_

Then my left arm in the same movement falling on the other side.

_How do be brave_

_How can I love when I'm afraid_

Then I felt the hands on top of mine directing my head to move in circular motions. I allowed it.

_To fall_

_But watching you stand alone_

Then I felt myself being pushed away from the body which was so close to mine moments ago, the wind hitting my back as the distance of our bodies was created.

_All of my doubt_

_Suddenly goes away somehow_

Then I was pulled backwards again closer and the hold on me was even tighter.

_One step closer_

Then I felt our bodies gliding together. I allowed myself to be led.

_I have died everyday_

_waiting for you_

I was let go then again, but our hands remained intertwined. For the first time since the dance started, I saw her face, I wanted to laugh at how serious she was with this dancing.

_Darling, don't be afraid_

She extended her arm and I extended mine. She spun me around her never letting go of my hand.

_I have loved you for a_

_Thousand years_

I continued to walk around her with our hands together, holding each other supporting our movements.

_I'll love you for a_

_Thousand more_

Then she immediately pulled me back possessively, catching me. As soon as our bodies were close together again with my back against her front, she led my hands to rest on her neck. Each one on either side of it. I felt her arms encircle my waist.

_Time stands still_

_Beauty in all she is_

_I will be brave_

_I will not let anything_

_Take away_

_What's standing in front of me_

_Every breath,_

_Every hour has come to this_

Breathing so closely I felt her inhaling my scent and i lingered in the feel of her breath against the skin of my neck. With both our eyes closed, I felt us swaying to the music with no direction and just savoring our closeness yet again.

_One step closer_

Then again I felt her release me. Pushing me as I went about spinning away from her. While she remained standing at the center of the floor.

_I have died everyday_

_Waiting for you_

_Darling, don't be afraid_

_I have loved you for a_

_Thousand years_

_I'll love you for a_

_Thousand more_

I continued to spin, to revolve around her. As she turn to every direction I go, following me, every angle of my movement with her eyes and with her body eventually,.

_And all along_

_I believed_

_I would find you_

_Time has brought_

_Your heart to me_

_I have loved you for a_

_Thousand years_

_I'll love you for a_

_Thousand more_

When I felt myself stop. I turned around and saw her standing right across from me.

_One step closer_

I took the step closer to her and she did too, until we were almost right in front of each other.

_One step closer_

We took one last step until we felt our bodies were pressed against each other, this time we were facing each other. She tightly secured me pressing my body against hers by wrapping her arms around my waist. I placed my arms securely around her neck. Being face to face with her, I rested my forehead on hers and allowed our noses to touch. We both smiled and let our eyes close.

_I have died everyday_

_Waiting for you_

_Darling, don't be afraid,_

_I have loved you for a_

_Thousand years_

_I'll love you for a_

_Thousand more_

We continued to hold each other not minding whether our swaying was still in keeping with the rhythm. What mattered was that we were this close. We were holding each other. i slowly opened my eyes, without fear, more than what i will see, it's what i felt that mattered. I started to mouth the last words of the song, singing along to it, staring straight into her eyes.

_And all along I believed_

_I would find you_

_Time has brought_

_Your heart to me_

_I have loved you for a_

_Thousand years_

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Hearing her say the last words of the song as soon as she opened her eyes. I cut her to it and said the remaining words along with its last melody, returning her gaze.

_I'll love you for a_

_Thousand more_

Then she smiled at me again which I immediately returned. That moment, I just wanted to kiss her. But instead we chose to linger more on our closeness. Holding her like this always gets me. I savored the feel of our breaths hitting the surface of our skin. I felt exhausted due to the dance. Thankfully I still have some natural rhythm within me to follow her movements considering I haven't danced in a long time.

When I entered the studio, I saw her dancing. I'll never get tired of watching how graceful she was. So, wanting to surprise her, because she seemed to be so caught up with dancing with trouty-mouth-look-alike right there, I wondered immediately who he was but nevertheless, I didn't let that curiousity get in the way of wanting to cut in to surprise her. I removed my shoes and tapped trouty's impostor's shoulder to step away and let me take over dancing with Britt, he immediately did and then I thought he wasn't so bad, but I'd still have to know who he was.

Lost in my thoughts and the high of just being this close, continuously swaying when we knew the music has stopped playing moments ago. I didn't catch everything Britt just said. So I asked her.

"What?" I clarified, still with the goofy grin on my face.

"I said, You're so cute… and so kissable right now" She said once again. Without pulling away from her, feeling all tingly inside I dared her.

"So… kiss me…" I told her pouting my lips and closing my eyes yet again. I felt her face pressing closer to mine as close as we were I felt her breath hitting my face harder and our previously touching noses now being pressed on the tip but it doesn't hurt, I just felt her tilting her face to the side. Then I felt the surface of her lips almost touching mine. Just when it was about to crash, to press against mine, we heard a voice.

"Ma! My!" We turned our heads to the direction of the little voice which interrupted us. By the doorway, we saw Mandy, holding the source of the startling occurrence. I blinked then smiled. I saw Sophia clapping her hands with so much glee as I smiled at her. We've been teaching her to say mama and mommy fully but then she manages to always say the last syllable of the two terms but I know soon she'll get the hang of it.

I didn't even notice that Britt has started walking to make her way to our little angel. She's not even two and already a cockblocker and considering it was just an almost kiss. I shook my head and followed Britt to where Mandy and Sophie was.

"Nice timing you two" I told Mandy with a pat on her shoulder and with a tight lipped smile.

"Sorry, we thought we were supposed to meet you at lunchtime and then you were too adorable to watch" Mandy stated apologetically. "I specifically told this little one right here to be discreet" She continued pointing to Sophie. "But I guess she didn't listen." Mandy touched the tip of Sophie's nose with her finger, which my Brown-eyed Brittany immediately swatted away with her palm and rapidly recovering from the previous irritation she clapped her hands again and smiled. She then reached her hands to me, meaning she wanted me to carry her to which I immediately obliged.

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When I heard our baby's voice, I immediately turned my head to look her way. I bet San is thinking what a cockblocker our baby was at this young age. I guess I got too caught up with dancing and I didn't realize it was in fact lunchtime, and we specifically asked Mandy to bring the Sophie over because we had to leave early this morning because of the many things we had to do setting up our new ventures today. I wanted to carry Sophie but then she was stubborn and reached out to San instead, San immediately caught her and said.

"Let's go…I'm starving" Holding Sophie securely in her arms and she took a step forward. Then I noticed something was missing. So I spoke up.

"Babe, you don't have your shoes" I pointed out and Mandy and I started laughing.

"Oh" She said. "Here" She added facing me. "Hold her while I put my shoes on" She continued. I cradle a puzzled Sophie and gave her a puzzled look back.

"Mama has to put her shoes on" I told her in my baby voice.

Not a minute has passed and San was back. She reached for Sophie again. I gestured to Steve and peeked at Lily's office to tell her I was off to lunch. I wonder what the two of them are gonna be up to after we left. I'll catch up as soon as we get back.

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As soon as Britt was done telling the people in the studio that she'll be out for a while, we made our way to the restaurant nearest to our building. We decided to walk since the place was two blocks away. I took Britt's hand and intertwined our fingers whilst I hold a not so heavy Sophie in my other arm resting some of her weight on my hip.

Silence took over upon us as we walked the way. We just love how things are. Like a family we ought to be, we are here together, building our lives again. The peacefulness and the content we feel now justify the silence. It's a day of beginnings and it sure feels good to be together welcoming it.

It didn't take long before we arrived at the restaurant and we got a booth in the center of the place. We got a high chair for Sophie.

The waiter handed us the menu and we checked it out whilst my hand made its way to hold Britt's.

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I felt San take my hand in hers and it felt like we're toying with each other's fingers. I looked at our hands and as high as the afternoon sun was, the dim light from it which made it's way to our part of the restaurant fell on the wedding bands the graced our fingers. I smiled. Thinking of what we've been through.

It sure is a reminder of every single thing that we've gone through, of what we were and what we are now and perhaps what we would be in the future.

If a person perhaps knew everything that had happened in the past, the very question that such person would ask is how did it happen that we are still together. The simple answer to that is because that was what we chose, to be and that's what we chose to do.

The road to here wasn't easy, that I can confidently say so. But then again the reason why I am married to her is because I love her, that is the ultimate reason why I forgave her. Maybe it's not the same for everybody. After everything that had happened, I promised her I would try, but I got tired of trying, of just trying and I felt like instead of just trying I should be doing it. What I should've promised was to just do it, to just fix it with her, because trying is like being half hearted. I felt tired of being mad, of being angry, being doubtful and of being afraid. I just wanted to feel the good feelings of being with her, because, after all the anger, the doubts, the fears and she finally is there, that is the time that i felt most peaceful, most secured. It was with her that i felt that, only her.

It was true, that some would say, cheating, it was dead end. You would have to have limits as to loving somebody, and the easiest way is to bail out. But I had my flaws too. I had at the very least, abandoned her, I allowed it to happen because i settled for the security that is marriage and i thought nothing would change because I had banked her, I had tied her down but it really isn't like that. Everyday like young relationships, old ones, budding and stagnant once, you never stop working on it. You never stop doing the things you are doing or you used to do, not because you need to but because you want to.

The easy way would've been to end it and leave her, find another person who would make me happy, who wouldn't do what she did and forget everything and not to think about it and about her. But ultimately, if you think about it, at one point in your life you chose that person, to be with ready for yourself to wake up in the morning with the same person everyday of your life, that even if you would want to wake up only with yourself you won't because not only would you always be together but in concept and in heart, you are one and like a dollar bill, you can't just be torn apart, because tearing it apart would render the other half use less. I thought about it many times, would I love another person the same way, I knew i won't, and I would always wonder what would've happened if i stayed.

They say that love is like fire, if it is strong enough the wind will blow and will only make it bigger. if it is too weak then when the wind blows it will die down. But If you have that love, do really take it out for the wind to blow it away and let it die down, shouldn't it be that you would try to sustain it, shield it from the wind and then make it stronger, give it air to make it bigger and let it blow into flames

To err is human and to forgive is divine. When people get married, they pledge, they promise, they commit to that person, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do you part. But what really is better and what really is worse. Rethinking it, how easily some people would give up on marriages and just walk away after the other makes a mistake. Cheating was San's mistake, leaving was mine, and she accepted and lived through it, although the way she coped with it, was not the way i would have had it. But seeing that she has done something wrong, do I tell her I can't take this, this is the limit I have set as to when I will say we're over. But it wasn't done whimsically, was it. It was a weakness, it was a flaw, which I had known since we fell in love that she can be weak and she can be afraid, and the moment it occurs, do I leave her, if i did, it means I couldn't bear the worse in that promise, because the moment I said I do, I committed to accept everything about her and so did she and even through the worse she didn't leave, she didn't abandon me and god knows how she felt during that time.

I didn't take this commitment lightly and neither did she, unlike how some people these days do, because when we made this vow, more than the security more than the commitment, the driving force was love. I love her, more than anyone else in the world and when the anger, the doubts, the hate, and the fears have faded and after letting go of it all, what remained in my heart was love. Because that's what I chose to feed, to grow and continued to harbor and all through those times, I felt loved too, because behind all the things that had happened, We, in this marriage. resemble a pair of shears, so jointed together that they cannot be separated, often moving in opposite directions yet always punishing anyone who comes between them. That's what we did with everything that happened and i can confidently say we are now stronger, and if someone was to ask whether it will happen again, I would say, we would do our best for it not to.

I love her and she loves me and we are holding on to this love tightly as we ever imagined we could and somehow, that's all that matters.

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I noticed that Britt was somewhat lost in her thoughts looking at our intertwined hands, so i thought I'd take her out of it. I figured I'd asked her something surprising.

"Do you mind me topping you?" I asked her nonchalantly.

.

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When I heard the word topping i was broken from my thoughts, I mean really...? in a restaurant? do really have to talk about that in a restaurant, with Sophie. So I asked to clarify.

"What?" I asked her confused.

"I said do you mind me topping you" She said still eyeing the menu in her hands.

"San can we talk about that later, we're in a restaurant." I told her in a low and stern voice.

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"Britt, how can you think that way..." I told her, feigning a shocked expression at her dirty way of thinking. "I was talking about the building floors" I told her innocently. when I knew my statement, definitely had a double meaning.

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"Oh, I thought... anyway no I don't mind." I told her, whilst Sophie played with the fingers of my free hand.

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"Why not?" I asked her. This conversation is just fun, it's random and we just... we just enjoy it. "Are you sure? I mean we can exchange, if you want." I told her, wanting to see what she has to say to that.

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"I'm sure. Besides I top you all the time I wouldn't mind this one time" I told her, if she thinks she has the hand in this conversation, well now she knows she doesn't.

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With that I knew I lost, it was true and sexy, and I don't mind. "Fine" I rolled my eyes and she smirked. I immediately smiled. "I love you" I just blurted it out. It's like an admission I just lost, but i really don't mind.

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"I love you too" I immediately replied with a wide grin on my face. Just as I thought, I won. She can't say anything to that. She smiled and me and almost the same time we turned our heads to the side.

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We were goofily smiling at each other when we heard the little voice piped in. "Wuf woo" We turn our heads with our eyes bulging out. At same time we told Sophie

"Say it again" but our little angel just clapped her hands and smiled and just like that, we looked at her together and we retorted back at the same time in our baby voices, ... "Wuf Woo Too".

~FIN~


End file.
